Fear of other people

[JonnyMaddox]

I do pigeon rescue. Maybe I'll talk about pigeons ‍ jk, most people hate pigeons sadly.

 

[bgwh]

The edit button only appears on desktop mode, not mobile.

Reading your post, if you were my friend, and I was coaching you, i'd be like "Dude, you need to pat yourself on the back more". Celebrating successes speeds up progress like nothing else.

At earlier times I would be extremly nervous doing and saying the stuff at the supermarket, but I did it without being much nervous. At the checkout I even turned fully around to the people in the checkout line and looked at all of them while doing the checkout. Usually I would not be looking at anyone (with my eyes down).

Celebrate this as a big win, and notice how the bigger wins start coming faster and faster.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Thx for the uplifting

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Ok, another wasted weekend. Couldnt do anything. But at least an improvement. I'am now using a technique called 3-3-3 it's to cope with anxiety. When I'am anxious I focus on three haptic things, three sounds and three visual things. I mostly do it with haptic things and sounds a bit. It's to distract from bad feelings and thoughts. It helped me in some situations, for example standing near a big group of people in their eyesight. Just doing it while being busy with the three things in my mind.

Another thing that annoys me: When I see a women, that I want to talk to. I sometimes, when I'am close to her, feel that my heartbeat first goes up, then I feel nervousness. Then after like 20 seconds, it goes aways and I'm ok to begin talking to her. It comes from too much thinking I guess. The coping technique helped me with that too. But there werent many situations in which I could test it. Anyway, tomorrow next session on sunday. At least I made a few improvements.

Also I need to focus more an the women directly. I want to try it in groups like in a train, just go to her and saying hi or sitting next to her. General principle is reaching her. Of course with caution, i'am not going to annoy any woman or something in a train, where there's no escape !

 

[JonnyMaddox]

There's another thing I want to tell you. In my life there have been a few instances were a girl or woman said to me: "You never smile!" or "Why are you never smiling?"
That's a few years ago, but I still keep thinking about it. Once I tried to train smiling and made kind of exercises like trying to push my lips into a smile position. But I stopped because I found it too hard to train it like that and it seemed unnatural. A few months ago I read something about smiling and the muscles in the face. And it said, that smiling doesn't come so much from the lips as from the upper part of your face and from your "eyes". Now the best smiles I always find are the "mischievous smiles" with squished eyes, like this. At least they look very attractice in women (as i get them sometimes). I got deep-seated eyes, with which I easily can do such a smile. Now I combined squishing my eye with a little smile (as much as I can). And now I always automatically make a smile, when I squish my eyes, or at least smiling now is easier for me when I squish my eyes. I can do it on command now. It's still a bit too much of squishing I think, but i develop it. But still I havent been using it much with real people, still the shyness. But there are a few good women at my work and I will try it a little bit on them!

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Today there was this super cute teen girl at the bus station. I guess she's maybe 18-19 years old. I missed my bus at the station. She was standing next to me and I asked "Did the line 20 already arrive ??" And she responded, sadly looking, "oh yes, it arrived at the same time when I was here". Then she gave me this beautiful smile with her long her waving in the wird. She looked like Katie Holmes I said something like OK while not paying attention much. Then again I looked at her, again this smile, but me saying nothing. That's also I thing that annoys me. Sometimes when I have interaction with female strangers (something like asking about train/bus and so on, or at the cashier), they always or often give me this face:

Corners of the mouth pulled down. This happend often. I don't know what it means and why they do it.

Heres another one, which is a bit over dramatic:

You get the idea I hope. And the girl at the bus station also did it.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Ah btw: After I asked if the bus arrived, she look sadly to me. But the face with downward pulled mouth came later.!

 

[gameboy]

So did you take any action to change yet?

 

[JonnyMaddox]

So did you take any action to change yet?

No. I tried, but got nothing done. Well, but i don't give up.

 

[gameboy]

It's hard. But it's doable.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

It's hard. But it's doable.

Whats curious is that it seems my interactions with people improved. I'am much more open and have much less anxiety less nervousness, thoughts come more naturally. But I didn't use this so far with cold approach. I need to overcome this blockade. I think I got too much negative thoughts. When I'am walking and I see some girl, I just try to think about nothing and at the same time to approch. And it helped think as little as possible. Tomorrow I will try again on my way to my job. Wish me luck

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Another, i think, missed chance. Today at work. There was this girl, that a few weeks ago began out of nothing to talk to me. Every once in a while we talked, when we were in the same room. And she's one of these "easy" girls, which I love. Very easy to make laugh and to talk to. Doesn't seem to have these weird high horse mentallites that some women have. She belongs in the "sexy" but not "beatiful" category. But her character and easy personality is big plus. Also she got a nice curvy body, which I also love. BUT she got a boyfriend, who also works there. He looks like one of these geeks, not very attractive and very slim with no muscles. I really don't know why she got no hotter boyfriend. But anyway. I didn't see her last times with him at work. Anyway: Today was her last day at work. I took a break and got outside, anticipating that she might also be outside. As always we had a good conversation with some funny jokes. As she told me it was her last day, i was thinking about asking for her number, but wasn't sure about her boyfriend and got nervous. After her cigaret we said goodbye and she walked to the elevator. Then she gave me a huge smile which I gave back. So. Again I'am angry. And thought about a million ways how I could have done this better without it being in conflict with her boyfriend, although I don't know if they are still together. Last time I noticed a little fight going on between her and him. But not sure. Anyway. I don't think I will see her again. Maybe only on accident because I'am sometimes at the university where she is studieing.

She wore short pants with her awesome thic legs, and now that's all I can think about. DAMN. I try to comfort myself in thinking about approaching similar girl during the day, and thinking about how others are similar. Not much I can do now. I really hate myself for this stupid inaction. On the other side, these "easy" and open girls are awesome, but sometimes you don't know if they are so open to you because they like you or because that's just their personality type. Not sure. But at least they are open and don't have this stupid arrogance some girls have.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

What's also weird at work. There are a few girls that always look kind of angry at me. Maybe they notice my needyness or something else is going on. But I don't care much about it. Because I will always remember the super hot girl a few months ago which always greeted me with a super smile But again I didn’t do anything and noticing it much later, now she doesnt work there anymore BUT if I'am honest. My selfesteem sometimes takes a hit, when I see a girl looking angry at me for whatever reason. I noticed that I got a very fragile ego in this respect.

Here's another story: Sometimes men try to hit on me. As I was younger I got even hit on a few times at the club by men. Or while I was jogging some guy, who was sitting at a bench, was yelling "can we drink some coffee together?" And similar instances. Similar things happened at work. For example there's always this older guy who greets me and gets angry when I don't respond. Then when it was hotter I was wearing a tank top. At work we sat next to each other. When I stood up get something to dring and was walking in front of him he said "ohhh god" and then asked me how my work is going. I didn’t respond and continued work

Anyway:
I think I should change my general behaviour and really try to talk to as many girls as I can at work, just some random stuff and just see how they respond without having some things in my. Same as I did with the other girl, with which I always talk a lot. She wasnt working in the last day, so I didn’t see her. But tomorrow I will see her again. And of course: still my struggle to approach girl on the street. Which is still difficult.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

I'am usually a more introverted person. Although I wouldn't say introverted. I'am much more a reflection of the person I talk to. The more closed the person is, the more I'am closed, the more open the person is the more I'am. That's what's so great about those "easy" girls. I always get along with them very well, everything is just natural without me fearing that I'am being judged by what I say or do. Especially now, that I made some improvements with less nervousness (but it still exists in some moments, i havent figured out what causes this). But again on the other side you don't know if they are open to you because they like you or if it's just their natural thing and they do this with everyone.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Sry for another post

When I was outside with the girl at work. I purposfully looked at her naked legs and in a way that she notices it. I think this may lead to that she thinks I'am interested or at least that she thinks I find her attractive (as a man). Of course I did it not in an offensive way like starring at it or something. Just 1-2 seconds while talking so that she can see where I look at. I think that's also a nice subtly to show a bit of interest and that you are not asexual or something.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

I think it's important that women can see that you are also a "sexual" man. Of course this has limits and should be only made as a subtly (if you are just get know each other)

 

[FAB DRONES]

Why is there no edit button??

It’s on the desktop version

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Ha. Today at the train station. I noticed a young girl and an older guy (but also young) walking together upstrairs to the platform. As they were walking up she said "oh that's the most happy moment of my live" looking really excited. I didn’t hear it really, but he must have approached her and said something like "you look beatiful" or cute. What's a bit funny is that after that she asked him about something about studying at the university in the city. And she used a formal way of adress. I don't think this exists in english. She said like "oh do you (Sie instead of Du, which is more personal) know where.. Blabla". (its like when you say Mister in english). I find this funny, because a few years ago I approached a young girl too and she also adressed my in that way.
Anyway. After they search together something on their phones together (about this studying thing). He more and more walked away looking into his phone, the girl too. And their ways departed. I feel sad for the guybut credit to him that he tried it.
Actually it's not that rare that I sometimes see a guy approach a girl and sometimes I saw that it worked and she gave her number.

 

[JonnyMaddox]

Tomorrow I will try again. If I'am honest today was exhausting, i had a long working day and I didn’t feel in the mood for trying something.

 

[gameboy]

Try doing the newbie challenge. My first step was just saying hi to people. Was hard enough at that point, but much easier than a full approach.