Break Ups How to proceed with an ambiguous breakup

[enrico]

Thanks @Will_V what I want and expect from her is to talk about this like adults, to understand why I lied and understand that it's a little issue that we can move past.

What I've done wrong is lie to her, I should've been honest when she asked if I went. What she's done wrong (in my opinion) is created a false sense of understanding telling me she isn't bothered if I went, allowing me to admit it to then react like this. She's reacting to the lie, not to what I've done but I feel like I've been set up. She had to be prepared for this to tell me she wasn't bothered if I went.

She has every right to be hurt, upset and angry, but this shouldn't be a deal breaker because we had clear communication and can work through this.

I'm not sure how to present that which is why our previous talks go round in circles. I admit I lied, I explain why I lied, I take full responsibility and let her know how much I care about her (guidance from the getting caught lying article) but she'll frame it that I don't care about her because I wouldn't have lied to her.

All the time I know she just needs reassurance that I do care for her and that I understand how she feels but when I say anything that would provide reassurance she'll pick my words apart. Sometimes she'll calm down and we'll default to normal and then she starts to bring it back up.

I feel like I dropped the ball to set a frame when she said on the phone that we're not ok so she's not feeling good, it was late, I was exhausted and in bed about to sleep when she called. I could only think of saying that we'll be ok and we'll work through this but decided not to because I'd seem overly invested or dismissive to her feelings which would be torn apart. I opted to give a long pause.

I don't desire to win her back, I desire to be a man and establish in myself the knowledge of who I must be in all my relationships. I know I can replace her, she's very insecure with how many girls talk to me when we're out together, as much as I like her I can walk away from her. I know it's weak and soft but I genuinely like having her by my side which is why I'm posting here instead of being done with her

Enrico

 

[TomInHo]

I don't desire to win her back, I desire to be a man and establish in myself the knowledge of who I must be in all my relationships. I know I can replace her, she's very insecure with how many girls talk to me when we're out together, as much as I like her I can walk away from her. I know it's weak and soft but I genuinely like having her by my side which is why I'm posting here instead of being done with her

Enrico

Please stop the cap

You want her back and don’t really give a damn about being a “Man” or whatever

If you know you can replace her and do better then we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place because you’ll be to busy fucking and spending time with women that treat you better

Get your stuff, move on and prove to yourself that you are strong enough to live without her

If she thinks you’re a jerk who the fuck cares. At least you’ll be a happy jerk rather than a miserable lovestruck puppy

 

[enrico]

Please stop the cap

You want her back and don’t really give a damn about being a “Man” or whatever

If you know you can replace her and do better then we wouldn’t be having this conversation in the first place because you’ll be to busy fucking and spending time with women that treat you better

Get your stuff, move on and prove to yourself that you are strong enough to live without her

If she thinks you’re a jerk who the fuck cares. At least you’ll be a happy jerk rather than a miserable lovestruck puppy

@TomInHo I want her back, I don't need her back, that's the difference. I'm either winning or I'm learning, every experience is a learning opportunity.

I know I can replace her, I'm better at attracting girls than I am being in a relationship. I'm not a great seducer by any means but I can meet new girls. I do like this one but I can let her go.

I could live without her before, I can live without her now. I understand your sentiment but this isn't a cope, I don't have oneitus. I know you're trying to motivate me with the tough love, thank you for that, and I mean that, that isn't sarcastic.

I'm not bothered if she thinks I'm a jerk if we're done, I can be as cold as ice and completely ignore her if I see her out. Currently emotions are high. I just don't feel like she means what she's said and that we can both still get what we want. Maybe it's wishful thinking and I don't have a clue, it could be false hope that I'm giving myself and I'm in deeper than I think.

I'll be sad to see her go, she's been a huge part of my life for over a year but I'm excited to get back out on the market.

Enrico

 

[Will_V]

You don't yet understand what it means to lead a relationship, instead you're coming at it as 'two adults figuring things out together' which is the mainstream politically correct view but things don't really work like that.

Thanks @Will_V what I want and expect from her is to talk about this like adults, to understand why I lied and understand that it's a little issue that we can move past.

Your frame here is 'I need her to accept my lie as a little thing'. No. You do not need to convince her of anything. You have already accepted responsibility for it, there is nothing else to do. Don't get caught in a muddle of continuously trying to prove that it was 'just this little thing'. It could be a huge thing or a little thing, it doesn't matter because you've already corrected yourself and suffered the consequences of violating your own principles. If you show her that, then it's time for her to accept that or move on.

For example, you say something like 'Look, I lied because I wanted to avoid your drama and it was stupid, that's not the sort of man I am, I'm the sort of guy who isn't afraid of being honest and clear about things, that's how I live my life. It's not going to happen again. That's all I have to say, if you can't accept that we can't go on'.

You do NOT go:

'Look I know I lied but it was just a little lie, can't we just pretend it never happened .. ?'

What I've done wrong is lie to her, I should've been honest when she asked if I went. What she's done wrong (in my opinion) is created a false sense of understanding telling me she isn't bothered if I went, allowing me to admit it to then react like this. She's reacting to the lie, not to what I've done but I feel like I've been set up. She had to be prepared for this to tell me she wasn't bothered if I went.

No! This is what women do all the time. It's not a setup, it's simply the modus operandi of the submissive in a relationship. Haven't you ever heard of these:

"You can look at that beautiful girl, it's fine I won't be mad" You look. She blows a fuse.
"Does my ass look fat in this, it's fine to be honest I won't be mad" You say "yeah actually it does". She blows a fuse.
"You can tell me if you've been meeting up with that other girl, I won't be mad" you spill the beans .. RIP.

It's not her job to be some logical operator. It's your job to know how women work and calibrate accordingly, without being deceptive.

She has every right to be hurt, upset and angry, but this shouldn't be a deal breaker because we had clear communication and can work through this.

You might have had clear communication, but not the right communication. You need both.

And since when does she have 'every right' to behave however she wants as soon as you do something wrong? Where's her loyalty to you, or your boundaries? You're acting like a follower.

I'm not sure how to present that which is why our previous talks go round in circles. I admit I lied, I explain why I lied, I take full responsibility and let her know how much I care about her (guidance from the getting caught lying article) but she'll frame it that I don't care about her because I wouldn't have lied to her.

Yeah, you're chasing her for her forgiveness and not showing that you are actually the judge and jury of your own actions, and not holding her accountable for her faults.

'No I do care about you, I lied to avoid your dumb drama. But I won't be doing that again, I will simply be straightforward and honest from now on and if you can't deal with me doing what I want to do and celebrating my friend's birthday, then that's that."

All the time I know she just needs reassurance that I do care for her and that I understand how she feels but when I say anything that would provide reassurance she'll pick my words apart. Sometimes she'll calm down and we'll default to normal and then she starts to bring it back up.

Bullshit. She doesn't need any more reassurance that you care. She needs reassurance that you are resolute and in control of yourself, and not driven by fear about what she'll do.

At this point there's nothing you can say to her about how much you care that will change her behaviour, because you have already proved yourself to be weak and submissive to her.

I feel like I dropped the ball to set a frame when she said on the phone that we're not ok so she's not feeling good, it was late, I was exhausted and in bed about to sleep when she called. I could only think of saying that we'll be ok and we'll work through this but decided not to because I'd seem overly invested or dismissive to her feelings which would be torn apart. I opted to give a long pause.

Well you certainly didn't need to feed her with any more reassurances.

I don't desire to win her back, I desire to be a man and establish in myself the knowledge of who I must be in all my relationships. I know I can replace her, she's very insecure with how many girls talk to me when we're out together, as much as I like her I can walk away from her. I know it's weak and soft but I genuinely like having her by my side which is why I'm posting here instead of being done with her

Enrico

It's not weak and soft to want a good woman by your side. It's weak and soft to pander to her, to respond to her drama with endless reassurances, and to rely on her 'accepting' what you've done before you'll be done with talking about it. Remember, you're still vetting her, and this isn't a ringing endorsement of the kind of woman she'll be in the future - and imagine how the shit would be hitting the fan if she was like this after you started a family or got married.

You correct yourself, you apologize if necessary, you clarify your frame to her, and if she doesn't step into it in short order, you start disinvesting in the relationship pronto.

 

[Lover]

what I want and expect from her is to talk about this like adults

Hey enrico. I see from this quote that you do have standards for how you want to bring up relationship issues with her. Does she know this? And does she know how it will help you guys - and especially your affection for her - if she does it that way?

Let's assume she knows how you want to conduct a conversation about relationship issues. If she can't do the bare minimum, you tell her at some point how it affects you if she doesn't live up to it. It won't always be necessary to talk about how it affects you if the girl gets it. But some girls only understand these standards if they know (or have seen) that there are rewards or consequences.

Say, you have a conversation like adults. Although you don't agree completely and she needs some time to think, you still managed to have a conversation like adults. Reward her with some affection.

Assume you are not having a conversation like adults. If she can't do that here and now because things are heated, you have to tell her that you won't go into the issue until things between you are more calm. If she escalates at this point, this is potentially worth a soft next or a temporarily seperation of you two (i.e. going to different rooms or going out for a walk)

This is one example of showing leadership. And since girls are not mind-readers, you have tell it to them at some point. What else can they work with?

Know what you want. Set boundaries. Know how to reward and "punish" her.

to understand why I lied and understand that it's a little issue that we can move past.

If you talked like adults and she's still convinced it's a big issue you lied to her, you know what you do?

You let her figure it out herself.

There is no point in having long-drawn discussions for days or weeks, going in circles about the same topic. Now it's her job to come to a final conclusion.

I think most guys - and I can definitely be guilty of this - have a need to make a gf understand our side 100% and come to the same conclusion as ourselves. Almost as if we are thinking "if she juuuust understands me completely, all things will be good!"

But that is impossible.

In my opinion: let go of this need. Own your arguments. And let her figure out things for herself.

 

[Skills]

Thanks @TomInHo this is the same girl, the strategic position of weakness was horrible after I said another girls name in bed which is why I haven't used it here. I'm not very experienced in relationships and used the tactic at the completely wrong time. I've learned from that mistake.

She is overreacting but like you I can also see her point. Originally when she asked me if I was going I told her that I didn't know because I had a lot on and had to be up early which was true, so she asked why I didn't tell her when I decided to go which was a last minute decision from me and I turned up late and left early because of what I had on with work.

She used her recent interactions where she's text me and asked if it's ok if she goes somewhere. I've never asked her to do this and I don't particularly feel like I need to ask her for permission.

As for passing judgment, when this got brought up she said how she told me the next day where I didn't tell her I went until days later and if she didn't ask about it I'd have never have told her. I didn't think telling her I went to my friends party for an hour had to be mentioned.

You're right the frame is all jacked up, when she gets angry like she is now everything is black and white and it's impossible to deny she has text and asked permission and I haven't and saying I don't need to isn't reassuring to her, not that I'd promise to do the same.

I clearly really like her but I do need to bulldoze this frame and take control. I do think cutting contact and learning from this is the better option.

Enrico

again dude, i told you not the goal for that post.... strategic position of weakness is not for this type of scenarios.... I told you last time you used it for the wrong purpose and ignore the disclaimers of the article, read the disclaimers on the post again dude... Actually don;t use strategic position of weakness at all, you don't understand the post... again here is from the post dude:

BIG CAUTION.- The only time you do not want to go into strategic positions of weakness is when she is trying to break up after you have been together cause she is checking out and the move here is to actually be closer to the door/out... This is not what this post is about is mainly pre lay women or women you have laid less than 3 times (which is the investment threshold sweet spot in my opinion)


BIG CAUTION 2.- If she is tooling you too much nexting is a good strategy, but you can combine strategic weakness with a cool disclaimer of boundary in it (ideal)

Big CAUTION 3.- In relationship you want to be careful when she is trying betatization attempts, this post is not about relationships... In my relationship i actually hardly ever apologize to the point they go numb and then stop betatization attempts almost completely..."

 

[enrico]

again dude, i told you not the goal for that post.... strategic position of weakness is not for this type of scenarios.... I told you last time you used it for the wrong purpose and ignore the disclaimers of the article, read the disclaimers on the post again dude... Actually don;t use strategic position of weakness at all, you don't understand the post... again here is from the post dude:

BIG CAUTION.- The only time you do not want to go into strategic positions of weakness is when she is trying to break up after you have been together cause she is checking out and the move here is to actually be closer to the door/out... This is not what this post is about is mainly pre lay women or women you have laid less than 3 times (which is the investment threshold sweet spot in my opinion)


BIG CAUTION 2.- If she is tooling you too much nexting is a good strategy, but you can combine strategic weakness with a cool disclaimer of boundary in it (ideal)

Big CAUTION 3.- In relationship you want to be careful when she is trying betatization attempts, this post is not about relationships... In my relationship i actually hardly ever apologize to the point they go numb and then stop betatization attempts almost completely..."

@Skills I didn't use a strategic position of weakness this time. I learned that I used it at the wrong time the last time and read the disclaimers for the post. (I hadn't read it in a while to remember the disclaimers before, I know I fucked up using that)

I agree that it was horrible and I shouldn't have done it. I haven't repeated that mistake this time.

Enrico

 

[enrico]

Thanks @Will_V for an incredible post, that has helped greatly.

I tried to avoid apologising again, I've said I'm sorry once, I won't repeat it, though I think I might have to say it once more when I set the frame. I also didn't want to say it won't happen again, I initially felt that this was pandering to her and begging for forgiveness but it didn't feel like that when I read your example.

I did say that I pride myself on being honest to which she ripped apart because I've lied 3 times and she holds the fact that she's never lied to me to the moral high ground. I then find myself in a tough spot where I use the fact that I'm always honest immediately after I lie but then she says I shouldn't have lied to begin with.

You're completely right with everything, I've corrected myself, I'll apologise and I'll clarify my frame. If she doesn't accept it then we're done. Thank you for the advice

Enrico

 

[topcat]

Thanks @Will_V for an incredible post, that has helped greatly.

I tried to avoid apologising again, I've said I'm sorry once, I won't repeat it, though I think I might have to say it once more when I set the frame. I also didn't want to say it won't happen again, I initially felt that this was pandering to her and begging for forgiveness but it didn't feel like that when I read your example.

I did say that I pride myself on being honest to which she ripped apart because I've lied 3 times and she holds the fact that she's never lied to me to the moral high ground. I then find myself in a tough spot where I use the fact that I'm always honest immediately after I lie but then she says I shouldn't have lied to begin with.

You're completely right with everything, I've corrected myself, I'll apologise and I'll clarify my frame. If she doesn't accept it then we're done. Thank you for the advice

Enrico

your frame is already dead. if you want to go some way at fixing your frame move on from this girl and replace her. only then will you have the correct frame to handle her properly.

further engagement will only destroy your frame more.

move the fuck on seriously.

 

[Skills]

your frame is already dead. if you want to go some way at fixing your frame move on from this girl and replace her. only then will you have the correct frame to handle her properly.

further engagement will only destroy your frame more.

move the fuck on seriously.

yeah is too late, only way around this is you ending and coming back a different dude (but for me, once you are done you are done no point)...

 

[enrico]

Thanks @Lover she understands I have standards and like to conduct such things in person. She usually always conducts herself appropriately and she gets affection when she does this. I never thought about it before but that's how it usually unfolds.

She invited me over the following morning to talk, usually this is where we patch things up. Even if she doesn't fully understand me, we usually progress physically and default to normal. If we're acting normal after, I'm not bothered about the fight, I ignore the bs and pretend it didn't happen. It's pointless bringing up any drama after we've moved past it and had make up sex.

Unfortunately on this visit she fell asleep, I was working from my phone, I let her sleep hoping she'd wake up in a better mood. She did temporarily.

If she's not acting mature I'll walk away, which usually prompts a phone call and we sort things out.

I guess I've left her to figure it out, which when we talked the following night and defaulted to normal I thought she'd worked it out but then ended up annoyed. It's in a weird place now

Enrico

 

[enrico]

Thanks @topcat and @Skills I totally agree that my frame is dead. I accepted to my friends that we're done and there's no recovery this time a few days ago but after accepting that I had glimpses of a possible turn around.

I thought when she said on the phone last night (after she called me) "we're not ok so I'm not going to have a good night" that I could turn this around and I was hoping @Will_V frame suggestion could do it.

I do think it's a lost cause at this point. Half of me wants to try everything to turn it around, another half of me wants to accept the loss and not cause further damage and just move the fuck on.

Enrico

 

[TomInHo]

Have some self respect and move on

 

[Lover]

Judging from your last couple posts, I agree with the rest to move on instead of waiting. It seems like you're barely holding on to something unsolvable, and you will be better off taking control of the situation

 

[enrico]

I want to update this with my latest fuck up. She text last night saying how she misses me and wants me in her life, I told her I missed her too. She brought up the lie to which I followed @Will_V frame suggestion and said that it won't happen again.

She sent a huge text saying how I don't care, I replied following the blueprint that I do care, it was stupid and it won't happen again. She sent another huge text that I didn't read but explaining how she sent messages pouring her heart out when it should've been me doing that which shows how little I care.

She phoned me several times, waking me up at 5. I took the call to her crying her eyes out asking if I could go and see her. I stupidly think this is a great moment to flip it and capitalise on the window available.

I go round to see her, she starts off nice but she sits with a cushion in-between us preventing us from touching to much like we usually do.

All of a sudden we go from a nice conversation to a barrage of frame attacks about lying. I stuck to the blueprint and said how it won't happen again. She ripped it apart, going in circles why did you lie, you don't care, you don't care or you wouldn't have lied. If you knew it would upset me why did you go? So you don't care about my feelings? Oh so you didn't think about my feelings? I was tied in knots and ripped apart.

She decides to lay on the floor to sleep, when I go to say bye she invites me to lay with her. I lay on the floor and she interlocks her legs with mine, I put my arm round her. At one point I made incidental touch with her boobs, she asked me to do it again. I did then made it more purposeful and tried to slowly escalate, she did ask me to touch her there... She shut that down but put my arm round her.

Just before I had to leave she flung my arm of her and told me not to touch her because she's very sensitive right now. It was an awkward abrupt ending as I had to leave and I have no idea how to follow that up. It wasn't a great meeting that got us on track.

I had a perfect opportunity and fucked up, I don't know how to follow this one up. If anything I think we're in a worst place now.

Enrico

 

[Alpha13SC]

Man, your girl has problems. You ll have also if you let her affect you.

If you care about your mental health, just end things and that s it. Who dafuq lay on the floor and start victimizing herself?

At this point, it s not even about frames, it s about stupidity.

I had an ex who followed me 2km after we had a fight and had to go to my teacher. 2 fucking kilometers and waited me for 2 hours. She was either in mad love or crazy. I believe was both of them.

Was looking through her Instagram. She has a print screen with our conversation from like 8 years ago after a fight from us, telling me how I ll regret her. She had a boyfriend for quite a few years now and that pic is still present on her profile.

Along the line, I broke up with her. Felt so relieved.

Stop fucking around. Have no mercy for things and people that mess up with your mental health.

Alpha13SC

 

[Will_V]

@enrico this chick definitely sounds pretty crazy. Please read this article.

I want to update this with my latest fuck up. She text last night saying how she misses me and wants me in her life, I told her I missed her too. She brought up the lie to which I followed @Will_V frame suggestion and said that it won't happen again.

She sent a huge text saying how I don't care, I replied following the blueprint that I do care, it was stupid and it won't happen again. She sent another huge text that I didn't read but explaining how she sent messages pouring her heart out when it should've been me doing that which shows how little I care.

This is expected, of course she's going to try to squeeze you. As long as you remain completely firm and unshakeable that's fine.

She phoned me several times, waking me up at 5. I took the call to her crying her eyes out asking if I could go and see her. I stupidly think this is a great moment to flip it and capitalise on the window available.

This is also expected, because now she's felt a little bit of solidity and resoluteness in you, and she's sensing that she's losing control of things, so she brings you closer to her so she can get her claws back in. She's still leading you, can you see that?

It was a mistake to go and see her. You need to cut contact to minimum with her for at least a week (or more) while you turn everything over in your mind and clarify it. Get a journal and start writing all your thoughts about the relationship, all the good the bad and the ugly. Write about yourself, write about her, write about your (individual) future and what you want from it. Every time you get the desperate urge to contact her, grab your journal and start writing. No matter what she says or does, keep her at arms length for at least a week while you come back to your senses.

Right now you have lost your identity and perspective on things, and are in an emotional spiral led by her from which there will be no pleasant ending if you stay. All your actions are led by the desperate desire to placate her madness. That has to be stopped immediately.

I go round to see her, she starts off nice but she sits with a cushion in-between us preventing us from touching to much like we usually do.

All of a sudden we go from a nice conversation to a barrage of frame attacks about lying. I stuck to the blueprint and said how it won't happen again. She ripped it apart, going in circles why did you lie, you don't care, you don't care or you wouldn't have lied. If you knew it would upset me why did you go? So you don't care about my feelings? Oh so you didn't think about my feelings? I was tied in knots and ripped apart.

Like I said, she reeled you in so she could have another go at you. And because you still don't have any solid perspective on things, you are swept away yet again.

She decides to lay on the floor to sleep, when I go to say bye she invites me to lay with her. I lay on the floor and she interlocks her legs with mine, I put my arm round her. At one point I made incidental touch with her boobs, she asked me to do it again. I did then made it more purposeful and tried to slowly escalate, she did ask me to touch her there... She shut that down but put my arm round her.

She doesn't deserve one bit of that attention, and you know it (as does she). That's why she throws you off soon after, because she knows you're still under her control.

Just before I had to leave she flung my arm of her and told me not to touch her because she's very sensitive right now. It was an awkward abrupt ending as I had to leave and I have no idea how to follow that up. It wasn't a great meeting that got us on track.

Yeah, just take a long break from her while you meditate on things and allow reality to come back into focus. She will burn up you phone, and you will have to ignore it or calmly message her that you can't see her for a while. And in the meantime, you will have to be alone with your own thoughts until they turn from an emotional jumble into something resembling clarity. You will be surprised at the wisdom they will offer you.

 

[TomInHo]

Dump her, block her calls, go fuck other girls and go live a happy life

This woman is insane and has nothing of value to offer you

She can miss you, cry and profess love for you all she wants. But you gave her a chance and her actions were trash so that’s were she is going to go too

it’s going to be hard but Enrico one year from now is going to be grateful you finally grew some balls and put your happiness first for a change

 

[Lover]

https://www.girlschase.com/article/...rderline-personality-disorder-you-must-escape

This article will be my last post in this thread. The rest is up to you @enrico

 

[Chase]

What was the “perfect opportunity” you “fucked up”? Did you mean going to her place and failing to smooth things over?

The perfect opportunity I see fucked up was her calling you crying and you not telling her she’s acting insane and none of her behavior makes any sense whatsoever. Then telling her normal people do not behave like this in these kinds of situations. Just to get her thinking about whether she might MAYBE be out of line here.

It doesn’t seem like you’re thinking about correcting her behavior at all though. It looks like you’re trying to placate her drama, which you feel guilty for / feel like you caused, by telling her what she wants to hear… then getting worried/flummoxed when she responds with hot and cold.

Right now you have “Normal Man OS” firing on all four cylinders: “Woman sad. Me do bad thing. Feel bad for do bad thing. Say sorry to woman. Comfort woman. Get woman back, smile, happy again.”

Right now, she is behaving badly… I don’t care what the issue is; the behavior is bad. She’s behaving like you promised her monogamy then fucked another chick (or two. Or... ten?). She’s blowing this WAY out of proportion, to the point where if she was in the right originally because you lied, she is now in the wrong by throwing this kind of meltdown.

You, for your part, are rewarding her for it with apologies, promises to do better, attention, and compliance with whatever she asks/invites you to do. When you reward bad behavior, you encourage and reinforce it, and set a precedent that any time she wants good things from you, all she has to do to get it is to behave badly.

This is part of the betaization process, which happens to lots of guys in their relationships:

How Women Tame Men, Pt. 1: Approval/Disapproval

As most men spend time around women, they grow tamer. What causes this effect? The answer is: women themselves… and their leverage of disapproval and approval. If you look out across the broad range of men, you will discover men of all stripes: Big men and little men Rich men and poor men...

www.girlschase.com

What you really need is a MUCH better understanding of operant conditioning and relationship precedent, and start running your relationships with a long-term view.

Operant Conditioning in Your Romantic Relationships

Something I've noticed that a number of individuals untrained in relationship management theory tend to engage in is arbitrary (that is, seemingly random) punishment and reward inside of relationships. These sort of variable reward and punishment structures inside relationships generally lead to...

www.girlschase.com

Dating and Relationship Precedent: Why It’s So Very Important

Poorly-set precedent: it's the scourge of relationships across the face of mankind. Every day, the whole of the male sex collectively writhes in agony at its own terribly-set precedent coming back to haunt it - and bit it right in the ass.

www.girlschase.com

Right now, you are fearing you did something unacceptable.

Sure, you did some small unacceptable thing. But now she is being REALLY unacceptable.

Can you not see that?

You are treating the whole thing upside down, as if what she is doing is a little bit bad, but what you did is the REAL bad thing.

The reality is that what you did was a little bit bad, but what SHE is doing is the REAL bad thing.

Until you have that frame, and REALLY have it, such that she cannot flip it by coming at you with a different angle (calm and rational, or sweet and affectionate, etc. — no matter what she does she can’t get you to back down into “You’re right, baby, I was so wrong and I will never do that to you again. Come give me my sugar now, baby”), she’s gonna have your balls in her handbag, man.

tl;dr: SHE NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU. Her trying to frame it as you doing something so, so bad, so very awful, is her trying to wiggle out of not having to apologize to you and promise never to pull these kinds of high jinks again. I suggest you meditate on this until it clicks. It is a totally different paradigm than the one you are coming from right now, where you just trying to keep making it up to her to get back to getting the sugar, and she keeps dragging it on to get more concessions from you before she gives you the sugar.

Chase

(edit/PS: the reason I am not writing "dump her" is because I think @enrico has a great opportunity here to realize his approach to drama is totally wrong, and that if he can get it to click, all his future relationships are going to enormously benefit. IF he can have that paradigm shift!)