- Joined
- Nov 12, 2024
- Messages
- 2
Hey all.
I'm fucked. Maybe not, but I need to turn things around fast. So much wasted potential. Blah blah yada yada this man is 42, btw over six feet btw over 6 figs and some real estate so doing ok but nothing special, could have been farther, could have gone to MIT if my parents gave me any counselling yada yada. Just giving you the background. Basically I want and have always wanted a fam and kids. I need responsibility. I was always eager to take on responsibility but never managed to get as much as I wanted to satisfy me. I don't know why I got wired this way. I fall in love easy, but from the heart. I have lust. I think my Test is normal but I have a heart. Women often call me sweet (as they reject me) but I don't endeavor to be a nice guy. People (here) just don't get me. They are nice. I am just not petty.
Anyway why am I fukt? Man it's killing me. I need more opportunity. Everything in my life goes in cycles and I'm in a phase again, of pain and sorrow add a couple more years. I'm realizing how different, and cruel seeming women can be from men. As the man Chase said a man won't suddenly lose interest in a woman he liked and then just ghost her. Bad texting probably cost me so much love and I've been one of his latter categories the witty guy open or the engaged conversationalist.
I like younger (adult) women. Obviously they are beautiful physically but their minds are also usually better. They are nicer and more open. I scored 95th percentile on openess in the big 5 trait. That means 95 percent of people are more close minded than me, but I try not to judge.
I don't get laid much. I have gotten laid. I need to fix this bc people say I'm generally attractive. I can attest, it's all about personality.
I don't really like america and American in many ways, not that I'm trying to be uber critical. I appreciate everything and I love free speech, but I like humble down to earth people. I don't even want confidence. Conf might be necessary but I always preferred humility and work ethic, and not making a big a-- deal about myself. I try write my story brief to not waste your time. I hate the arrogant.
Anyway I'm fukt because of demographics. Until I get where there are a lot of women- and younger women in particular or innocent open minded early 30s women, I'm fukt because it's going to be an uphill battle.
I don't want to chase women who are not that interested or chatting multiple men, out of desperation. It's easy to fall into that pattern, not because I'm needy, or a dependent personality but just the psycho-desperation due to numbers and isolation. It's hard. The flesh is weak. I try not to judge but it seems people make the biggest deal of nothing.
I had tons of opportunity the last two years, through a church group I led of young adults but I chased the wrong person for too long and lost opportunity. Man, escalation windows are real. I Don't get it but they exist. I'm amazed, Chase hits the nail on the head with so many things. I have to digest that stuff.
To be transformed by something for the better, it's three phases. You have to understand, then accept and then integrate. I can accept in principle but you can only really accept (emotionally) to the degree you understand. Then you have to figure out how to apply and integrate, specifically. All this is work, but how else do you transform yourself? I don't want to live in my imagination. I don't know how Chase or some people get so good. I know hard work is a factor but many people work hard. There is a grace and gifting aspect to it. I'm a hard determinist. It is the truth I think, and helps me deal with regret.
It's popularly said men regret the sex they didn't have and women the sex they did. I certainly relish the times I did, as kind of victories and also times of love expressed and pleasure experienced and growth experienced, but I do regret the times I didn't, and there are a lot, and they could have been transformative.
I think I'm very psychologically strong, and always have been... but the problem is I'm also a fool out of touch, so while I have a strength and leadership capacity, it gets crushed out the gate.. kinda think of Ned Stark or sth although I also have a dark side or an awareness of the edge. I try not to be actually immoral but I drive fast. I can push the limits.. but I have Stark's weaknesses for sure, his blindnesses.
I regret the sex I didn't have, and it hurt and cost me.. and also the relationships I didn't and probably could. Part of me didn't' want to use people. I didn't want to be the guy, the sinner, who gave the woman the regret. I have never wanted to hurt women- not for my own short term pleasure. I didn't know if I was misguided in that aspect. This might be part of my toxic responsibility pattern.
I need demographics.. in the short run at least, to be in my favor so I can play the game more equally. I don't feel there's much equality. Not trying to complain but things seem extreme now. I'll try use my wits. I dress up now everyday, in black jeans, a nice white collar shirt, 20 from amazon and a black sportcoat type thing. I don't have to think about what to wear and I always look good. Variety is overrated in men. Seriously who has time for that.
Oh one of the areas of resistance of applying what I'm sure would work.. because we have to know ourselves, and resistance is a thing- is coming off as feminine- happy feminine or positive.. gay kind of. Sometimes I want to be serious and not smile- gravitas and stuff. Sometimes I can't afford to even fake things a little but you can be sure if I do smile in these moments it's genuine and that I'm present. Sometimes I can't afford too much- it's humiliating to act in a way I don't feel and even a little bit is expensive. I'm Glad Chase wrote explicitly about this as a tradeoff in his SMS book. The fact he acknowledged it and the tension made me feel validated as a man. No generation prior could have prepared us for texting. It's so unnatural from our genes, yet now women have naturally fallen into given expectations based on their psyches and we have to just know, and researchers like Chase have to split hairs figuring stuff out. It is what it is but let's take a second to recognize how much humility is required. I'm no Roman centurion that I can boast or act put off, but I mean my spirit is one at least.
I need demographics in my favor quick. I'm not getting younger and I was ready for fatherhood years ago. I am old fashioned. I'm an idealist in a sense.. for sure but I hope not a naive one but still definitely an idealist. I think ideally men and women should get married young, and be part of a culture.. like a strong russian culture or whatever. I kinda want to marry a Scottish woman. I love that country. I love auburn red hair. I'm joining more meetup groups and stuff. I don't really want to do what I don't want to do. I used to be busy and active with different stuff. I'm getting back into stuff now but finding the good group where I have status and where there are numbers are key.
We all have it objectively easy in this life with much freedom- materially and all that, but people are stressed psychologically more than ever, by their pseudo choice. I think women are drivers for much of men's stress directly and indirectly, through politics, but women don't choose either. We are all determined. The key and power is in knowing why. Everything is cause. Merovingian was the best char in the matrix and only one I really truly liked and identified with over time. It's all causality. Losers have to go back to the drawing board. Winners don't need to study. Women don't need to study or know anything, even themselves, if they are beautiful. It's a different world. Everything reads humility.
Many times I was given great opportunities, offramps even maybe.
I am NOT afraid to approach or talk. I'm not that shy about talking to people, but shy with my heart sometimes but that's kinda different. I'm not afraid to approach but rejection sucks but investment sucks worse, investing before she does. It all boils down to investment, doesn't it? I got and get kinda turned off of approaching not because I'm afraid of rejection there but I'm afraid of pseudo success, gray zone ambiguity plaguing me for days leading nowhere and have been stuck in this ambivalence for years. If I find the solution maybe I will get more energy and confidence back. I do approach and talk to people. In general when I'm excited I talk faster and listen less. I went on 4 dates with this girl recently. Dating is not what I thought it would be. When young I thought it would be a good faith man and good faith women in love with each other drinking each other in, enjoying each other. It seems like that was maybe a fantasy because successful dates now are when I'm kinda jaded and I just escort women to different places and they enjoy themselves. Is that the price of being good?
Maybe i need to polarize people more quickly. Get to know more quickly. I do that sometimes, because there's not much to lose or it minimizes the risk of a drawn out torturous period of chasing, even if it also nips a possibility in the bud. I've been taking that approach more last several years. At my age, several years is nothing. I'm scared- scared of growing old alone. I'm scared. Sometimes I feel like a motherless child - van morrison, is on repeat now. Great song. I've always identified with the yearner and striver, but also a doer and a worthy man, salt of the earth worth more than 10 men type. How's that working for me?
I want to polarize women more quickly to see if they're into me or not but first you have to meet them. They don't seem super hungry for relationships. In the Christian church the young ones do, so I'm going back, and I want a moderate. I like those traditional values without the fundamentalism.
Demographics screw me. Even if you know what you should do, the fewer women you have, the more you naturally obsess about a few even if deep down you're solid. In dating it's the surface that matters and I naturally invest in the depth. I'm healthy and doing alright but otherwise am not in a good place in life wrt meeting and getting a young girl. I'm on a ledge, on a tree branch I feel, but still I'll never be younger. I have to get after it.
No one has real free will I think. There's always some subtle force that causes you to turn one way or another. There are always external influences. Maybe it's a moral sense, maybe it's a parental influence. Why the F do they cut baby boys and yours truly? I wanna see things as they are and understand the world big picture. I wanna be free. Chase's stuff is... really amazing, but a man still has to digest it, to understand, accept and implement it in the specifics, as needed, and then he can kind of improv.
You go too fast and you're screwed. You go to slow. You go where there are no women or not enough, and you're kinda screwed demographically. I know someone likes me. She's not at the threshold for marriage and is part of a christian community. She honored me, she's a good woman, good heart etc, and there may be others. I wish other girls had her heart, or I could do polygamy. One can, but how really? Why could I have multiple woman if I couldn't get one? It's a paradox but I think it's true. Limiting yourself to one and only one for marriage puts the pressure on you and you let a lot of people go. Someone has to tick enough boxes at which time you're invested, and lacking experience you need an act of God. I realize I should have at least dated these women I wasn't sure about. Hypermorality or old fashioned idealism. I can't regret and I can't feel shame because that only weakens one but yeah.
I want (more) money and be able to travel more, and be free. I don't want to be fn trapped, a salary slave. How does a man become truly free, in every material respect? It's probably for the few- I'm trying. I always had too much self doubt, and giving others the benefit of the doubt. I often overestimated people, on account of 'conservatism'. I see that now. They got to market first, while I was busy being an 'engineer and scholar'. I wasn't afraid of action. I just wanted to do right action, when the feeling came over me, plus you get other guys. Noise is kind of alpha in a club. Loud stupid noises. In my home and places of business I always like quiet. I love quiet but in the bar noise is pretty much alpha. It's reduced to that. So be it, I'd like to be able to as it suits.
One time I made love to a woman, I ended up naturally doing a tantra like thing. It was great. I gave her an O before even taking off her pants or touching her kitty. I have never been truly weak. Just a fool. Just .. a lot of people don't get me. They have their heads down. I have so much GC to ingest, but it has to be ingested, not just scanned. I know how to read a book now-- slowly and methodically. Women and men are so different. All women read is fiction. How do they even do it? Who has the time?
When I'm known and trusted I often do ok with women, or when they have to see me over time, like back in the old days when working in an office, or through a group but in every day anonymity ... it's my failure. Maybe I should live in a small town but are they any different now? People are still transient these days. We are not adapted to this anonymous supertribalism. It hits (life in Desmond Morris's Human Zoo). I think manners are so rare. I think people think I am putting them on a pedestal when I just try have good manners, because I want to, but it's my job to get my meaning across.
I always knew women face risks, so I am sensitive of that and make allowances for that but in many dimensions I didn't know to make allowances because I wasn't aware. I wasn't aware how they have a fantasy mind typically and if you don't match it- or maybe employ other methods to make them suspend it with intrigue, then you're done. Who thinks like this? How can someone change their feelings so fast too and permanently? I don't need women to "chase" me, but I need them to invest in me, and some have. It's not about hacking, or engineering success. I hate those notions. To me it's about adhering to the principles- and former generations didn't have to because things weren't so crazy and extreme. Even the grocery store was seeming extreme to me- the fact we have all this global and factory food at our fingertips versus hunting for it or farming. Things are extreme with dating apps and such. I do have fears that I have to break through. I might be afraid of my sexuality or of showing it in public, and that is huge. I mean just the energy.
I thought i was avoidant attachment because I have pulled back from girls who liked me, for different reasons. I also think I might be anxious. I think I can be either depending on the context but what is necessary is secure. avoidant attachment is also based on anxiety. Really avoidant signifies a behavior and anxious an emotion so I think they misnamed these. I'm no expert but I think they should have named them both after behaviors- chasing versus avoiding styles for example. I think I can be either and both. One ought to be secure- receptive and steady.
I don't want to just wait to die. Sexuality lifts my sprits. Some growth, learning something or succeeding does too temporarily but really I need to get my sexuality out. Fathers of daughters need to be cool with me, if I'm interested in her and she in me. I guess I worry about things too far in advance. I want someone committed and loyal to me. When I read Chase's article about signs a woman will be good for you or sth, she chases you, listens, helps etc I realize I undervalued this and especially the meaning of it. I mean the implications. I'm sure this is night and day over the long haul. Who else teaches this stuff? Who in every day life is fit to? All my ancestors reproduced successfully thus far. What happened? Female psychology rules, totally rules the landscape. I don't mind the privilege or anything like that. It's when the psychology gets in everywhere, it's hard to see reality. It is half of the pop but it misses the other half, which hurts the female half indirectly too. As always, small groups benefit and large groups suffer.
I had no idea women wanted friends, more than guys did. Can women and men be friends? I always assumed that question would have a 50:50 split even when I knew gender differences existed. I didn't understand the role of using guys, which is actually fine if there's clarity.
I can't understand women's refusal to receive feedback. After dates go nowhere you have to ask for feedback and it's hard to get, and they never want yours, even when they're getting older. We are so different. It's like they are really wired to be followers, and weaker. They are entered. They give their whole bodies during sex so I mean it's just a logical extension. Maybe that's why the man feels like a moral failure when he can't lead a woman properly to the place of mutual goodness.. even if it's because of her modern mindset or issues and totally not his fault, he naturally assumes fault. Women don't seem to ever want feedback. How crazy is that? Yet we assume their roles are the same. I know they can do stuff like men, like be university professors, and they are great at language and other things, but when it comes to dating, they are no longer adults. Even the good smart ones often regress to the minds of kids I think. It's like they switch off that autonomous center of personal responsibility. Maybe it's because they have to. They kinda have to do it during sex, so why not in the lead up, but then the man who can't do it, can't lead along or attract, for whatever reason, even good reasons, has to bear the responsibility. He has to get all the feedback, hyperanalyze and stress about it all like a mad scientist if necessary. This is too much. Sometimes. Somethings things and life are just too much. I'm working on not having a righteous mind, but they are so much. I don't want to die old and alone. I want to scandalize the church community, through sexual experiences (mutually enjoyed but unexpected). Oh a part of me really does. It hurt me, or i hurt myself by it, even as it gave. It must continue to give, despite my past experiences, my precedents (great concept Chase) or I can't respect it. I need something I can respect. I need to receive respect. So many guys and girls I know in it matched so easily. For me nothing is easy and I'm trying to live and work in different systems, as needed, until one works. I went all in before, and GC gives too much true and valuable insight. I am seeking wisdom and understanding, to not be a fool that has to be beat (see proverbs). I need to take. Women want to be taken right? Everything about women is about plausible deniability. Another role the man has to take on, and mr tate knows this, is the bad guy. Women are never responsible. That's the rule. That's actually fine if men get respect and support and women have value to give- and they do. ngl they do but sometimes it's harder to find and get it but even in my life many women over the years have tried to give it tome but i was blind or stupid in most of those cases. I could be with somebody if a year ago I didn't mess up, and she's great, from a great fam but now she has another. Escalation window, practially ball i think and the set up was great, natural with her, social circle she found me but now that group is all dispersed and I don't want to go climbing all the time every week too, especially just in the hope this same pattern will happen (it probably won't) but who knows, maybe I'll go back.
I am not that much in my head- well not until I get invested. All this is a lifetime of thoughts. I'm 42. I've had 24 years as an adult to think this sht. i wanna put my smn in some good women. it's not like an extra special thing anymore. it's just like natural and necessary, the most old fashioned thing to do in the world. Everyone of my ancestors did it. We modern people act like it's a revolutionary act now. We have been so turned around, values wise and perception wise. I think it is the feminine psychology and institutions. I don't care about politics but about love in life. Unless something changes, inside or out, I'm fkkd. Demographics and supply are the most important things, which will help me emotionally apply the principles but how do I find these groups? University or young adults stuff would be good but I'm not super young anymore. I'm afraid. I'm worthy of someone great. Multiple people sure if that's what it takes, but I'm worthy of something.. in terms of the cost and price and sacrifices paid and made and my honor and character. I think I'm worthy and deserve it but convincing my surface self in the moment as well as getting it is another thing. It is not good for man to be alone.
I'm fucked. Maybe not, but I need to turn things around fast. So much wasted potential. Blah blah yada yada this man is 42, btw over six feet btw over 6 figs and some real estate so doing ok but nothing special, could have been farther, could have gone to MIT if my parents gave me any counselling yada yada. Just giving you the background. Basically I want and have always wanted a fam and kids. I need responsibility. I was always eager to take on responsibility but never managed to get as much as I wanted to satisfy me. I don't know why I got wired this way. I fall in love easy, but from the heart. I have lust. I think my Test is normal but I have a heart. Women often call me sweet (as they reject me) but I don't endeavor to be a nice guy. People (here) just don't get me. They are nice. I am just not petty.
Anyway why am I fukt? Man it's killing me. I need more opportunity. Everything in my life goes in cycles and I'm in a phase again, of pain and sorrow add a couple more years. I'm realizing how different, and cruel seeming women can be from men. As the man Chase said a man won't suddenly lose interest in a woman he liked and then just ghost her. Bad texting probably cost me so much love and I've been one of his latter categories the witty guy open or the engaged conversationalist.
I like younger (adult) women. Obviously they are beautiful physically but their minds are also usually better. They are nicer and more open. I scored 95th percentile on openess in the big 5 trait. That means 95 percent of people are more close minded than me, but I try not to judge.
I don't get laid much. I have gotten laid. I need to fix this bc people say I'm generally attractive. I can attest, it's all about personality.
I don't really like america and American in many ways, not that I'm trying to be uber critical. I appreciate everything and I love free speech, but I like humble down to earth people. I don't even want confidence. Conf might be necessary but I always preferred humility and work ethic, and not making a big a-- deal about myself. I try write my story brief to not waste your time. I hate the arrogant.
Anyway I'm fukt because of demographics. Until I get where there are a lot of women- and younger women in particular or innocent open minded early 30s women, I'm fukt because it's going to be an uphill battle.
I don't want to chase women who are not that interested or chatting multiple men, out of desperation. It's easy to fall into that pattern, not because I'm needy, or a dependent personality but just the psycho-desperation due to numbers and isolation. It's hard. The flesh is weak. I try not to judge but it seems people make the biggest deal of nothing.
I had tons of opportunity the last two years, through a church group I led of young adults but I chased the wrong person for too long and lost opportunity. Man, escalation windows are real. I Don't get it but they exist. I'm amazed, Chase hits the nail on the head with so many things. I have to digest that stuff.
To be transformed by something for the better, it's three phases. You have to understand, then accept and then integrate. I can accept in principle but you can only really accept (emotionally) to the degree you understand. Then you have to figure out how to apply and integrate, specifically. All this is work, but how else do you transform yourself? I don't want to live in my imagination. I don't know how Chase or some people get so good. I know hard work is a factor but many people work hard. There is a grace and gifting aspect to it. I'm a hard determinist. It is the truth I think, and helps me deal with regret.
It's popularly said men regret the sex they didn't have and women the sex they did. I certainly relish the times I did, as kind of victories and also times of love expressed and pleasure experienced and growth experienced, but I do regret the times I didn't, and there are a lot, and they could have been transformative.
I think I'm very psychologically strong, and always have been... but the problem is I'm also a fool out of touch, so while I have a strength and leadership capacity, it gets crushed out the gate.. kinda think of Ned Stark or sth although I also have a dark side or an awareness of the edge. I try not to be actually immoral but I drive fast. I can push the limits.. but I have Stark's weaknesses for sure, his blindnesses.
I regret the sex I didn't have, and it hurt and cost me.. and also the relationships I didn't and probably could. Part of me didn't' want to use people. I didn't want to be the guy, the sinner, who gave the woman the regret. I have never wanted to hurt women- not for my own short term pleasure. I didn't know if I was misguided in that aspect. This might be part of my toxic responsibility pattern.
I need demographics.. in the short run at least, to be in my favor so I can play the game more equally. I don't feel there's much equality. Not trying to complain but things seem extreme now. I'll try use my wits. I dress up now everyday, in black jeans, a nice white collar shirt, 20 from amazon and a black sportcoat type thing. I don't have to think about what to wear and I always look good. Variety is overrated in men. Seriously who has time for that.
Oh one of the areas of resistance of applying what I'm sure would work.. because we have to know ourselves, and resistance is a thing- is coming off as feminine- happy feminine or positive.. gay kind of. Sometimes I want to be serious and not smile- gravitas and stuff. Sometimes I can't afford to even fake things a little but you can be sure if I do smile in these moments it's genuine and that I'm present. Sometimes I can't afford too much- it's humiliating to act in a way I don't feel and even a little bit is expensive. I'm Glad Chase wrote explicitly about this as a tradeoff in his SMS book. The fact he acknowledged it and the tension made me feel validated as a man. No generation prior could have prepared us for texting. It's so unnatural from our genes, yet now women have naturally fallen into given expectations based on their psyches and we have to just know, and researchers like Chase have to split hairs figuring stuff out. It is what it is but let's take a second to recognize how much humility is required. I'm no Roman centurion that I can boast or act put off, but I mean my spirit is one at least.
I need demographics in my favor quick. I'm not getting younger and I was ready for fatherhood years ago. I am old fashioned. I'm an idealist in a sense.. for sure but I hope not a naive one but still definitely an idealist. I think ideally men and women should get married young, and be part of a culture.. like a strong russian culture or whatever. I kinda want to marry a Scottish woman. I love that country. I love auburn red hair. I'm joining more meetup groups and stuff. I don't really want to do what I don't want to do. I used to be busy and active with different stuff. I'm getting back into stuff now but finding the good group where I have status and where there are numbers are key.
We all have it objectively easy in this life with much freedom- materially and all that, but people are stressed psychologically more than ever, by their pseudo choice. I think women are drivers for much of men's stress directly and indirectly, through politics, but women don't choose either. We are all determined. The key and power is in knowing why. Everything is cause. Merovingian was the best char in the matrix and only one I really truly liked and identified with over time. It's all causality. Losers have to go back to the drawing board. Winners don't need to study. Women don't need to study or know anything, even themselves, if they are beautiful. It's a different world. Everything reads humility.
Many times I was given great opportunities, offramps even maybe.
I am NOT afraid to approach or talk. I'm not that shy about talking to people, but shy with my heart sometimes but that's kinda different. I'm not afraid to approach but rejection sucks but investment sucks worse, investing before she does. It all boils down to investment, doesn't it? I got and get kinda turned off of approaching not because I'm afraid of rejection there but I'm afraid of pseudo success, gray zone ambiguity plaguing me for days leading nowhere and have been stuck in this ambivalence for years. If I find the solution maybe I will get more energy and confidence back. I do approach and talk to people. In general when I'm excited I talk faster and listen less. I went on 4 dates with this girl recently. Dating is not what I thought it would be. When young I thought it would be a good faith man and good faith women in love with each other drinking each other in, enjoying each other. It seems like that was maybe a fantasy because successful dates now are when I'm kinda jaded and I just escort women to different places and they enjoy themselves. Is that the price of being good?
Maybe i need to polarize people more quickly. Get to know more quickly. I do that sometimes, because there's not much to lose or it minimizes the risk of a drawn out torturous period of chasing, even if it also nips a possibility in the bud. I've been taking that approach more last several years. At my age, several years is nothing. I'm scared- scared of growing old alone. I'm scared. Sometimes I feel like a motherless child - van morrison, is on repeat now. Great song. I've always identified with the yearner and striver, but also a doer and a worthy man, salt of the earth worth more than 10 men type. How's that working for me?
I want to polarize women more quickly to see if they're into me or not but first you have to meet them. They don't seem super hungry for relationships. In the Christian church the young ones do, so I'm going back, and I want a moderate. I like those traditional values without the fundamentalism.
Demographics screw me. Even if you know what you should do, the fewer women you have, the more you naturally obsess about a few even if deep down you're solid. In dating it's the surface that matters and I naturally invest in the depth. I'm healthy and doing alright but otherwise am not in a good place in life wrt meeting and getting a young girl. I'm on a ledge, on a tree branch I feel, but still I'll never be younger. I have to get after it.
No one has real free will I think. There's always some subtle force that causes you to turn one way or another. There are always external influences. Maybe it's a moral sense, maybe it's a parental influence. Why the F do they cut baby boys and yours truly? I wanna see things as they are and understand the world big picture. I wanna be free. Chase's stuff is... really amazing, but a man still has to digest it, to understand, accept and implement it in the specifics, as needed, and then he can kind of improv.
You go too fast and you're screwed. You go to slow. You go where there are no women or not enough, and you're kinda screwed demographically. I know someone likes me. She's not at the threshold for marriage and is part of a christian community. She honored me, she's a good woman, good heart etc, and there may be others. I wish other girls had her heart, or I could do polygamy. One can, but how really? Why could I have multiple woman if I couldn't get one? It's a paradox but I think it's true. Limiting yourself to one and only one for marriage puts the pressure on you and you let a lot of people go. Someone has to tick enough boxes at which time you're invested, and lacking experience you need an act of God. I realize I should have at least dated these women I wasn't sure about. Hypermorality or old fashioned idealism. I can't regret and I can't feel shame because that only weakens one but yeah.
I want (more) money and be able to travel more, and be free. I don't want to be fn trapped, a salary slave. How does a man become truly free, in every material respect? It's probably for the few- I'm trying. I always had too much self doubt, and giving others the benefit of the doubt. I often overestimated people, on account of 'conservatism'. I see that now. They got to market first, while I was busy being an 'engineer and scholar'. I wasn't afraid of action. I just wanted to do right action, when the feeling came over me, plus you get other guys. Noise is kind of alpha in a club. Loud stupid noises. In my home and places of business I always like quiet. I love quiet but in the bar noise is pretty much alpha. It's reduced to that. So be it, I'd like to be able to as it suits.
One time I made love to a woman, I ended up naturally doing a tantra like thing. It was great. I gave her an O before even taking off her pants or touching her kitty. I have never been truly weak. Just a fool. Just .. a lot of people don't get me. They have their heads down. I have so much GC to ingest, but it has to be ingested, not just scanned. I know how to read a book now-- slowly and methodically. Women and men are so different. All women read is fiction. How do they even do it? Who has the time?
When I'm known and trusted I often do ok with women, or when they have to see me over time, like back in the old days when working in an office, or through a group but in every day anonymity ... it's my failure. Maybe I should live in a small town but are they any different now? People are still transient these days. We are not adapted to this anonymous supertribalism. It hits (life in Desmond Morris's Human Zoo). I think manners are so rare. I think people think I am putting them on a pedestal when I just try have good manners, because I want to, but it's my job to get my meaning across.
I always knew women face risks, so I am sensitive of that and make allowances for that but in many dimensions I didn't know to make allowances because I wasn't aware. I wasn't aware how they have a fantasy mind typically and if you don't match it- or maybe employ other methods to make them suspend it with intrigue, then you're done. Who thinks like this? How can someone change their feelings so fast too and permanently? I don't need women to "chase" me, but I need them to invest in me, and some have. It's not about hacking, or engineering success. I hate those notions. To me it's about adhering to the principles- and former generations didn't have to because things weren't so crazy and extreme. Even the grocery store was seeming extreme to me- the fact we have all this global and factory food at our fingertips versus hunting for it or farming. Things are extreme with dating apps and such. I do have fears that I have to break through. I might be afraid of my sexuality or of showing it in public, and that is huge. I mean just the energy.
I thought i was avoidant attachment because I have pulled back from girls who liked me, for different reasons. I also think I might be anxious. I think I can be either depending on the context but what is necessary is secure. avoidant attachment is also based on anxiety. Really avoidant signifies a behavior and anxious an emotion so I think they misnamed these. I'm no expert but I think they should have named them both after behaviors- chasing versus avoiding styles for example. I think I can be either and both. One ought to be secure- receptive and steady.
I don't want to just wait to die. Sexuality lifts my sprits. Some growth, learning something or succeeding does too temporarily but really I need to get my sexuality out. Fathers of daughters need to be cool with me, if I'm interested in her and she in me. I guess I worry about things too far in advance. I want someone committed and loyal to me. When I read Chase's article about signs a woman will be good for you or sth, she chases you, listens, helps etc I realize I undervalued this and especially the meaning of it. I mean the implications. I'm sure this is night and day over the long haul. Who else teaches this stuff? Who in every day life is fit to? All my ancestors reproduced successfully thus far. What happened? Female psychology rules, totally rules the landscape. I don't mind the privilege or anything like that. It's when the psychology gets in everywhere, it's hard to see reality. It is half of the pop but it misses the other half, which hurts the female half indirectly too. As always, small groups benefit and large groups suffer.
I had no idea women wanted friends, more than guys did. Can women and men be friends? I always assumed that question would have a 50:50 split even when I knew gender differences existed. I didn't understand the role of using guys, which is actually fine if there's clarity.
I can't understand women's refusal to receive feedback. After dates go nowhere you have to ask for feedback and it's hard to get, and they never want yours, even when they're getting older. We are so different. It's like they are really wired to be followers, and weaker. They are entered. They give their whole bodies during sex so I mean it's just a logical extension. Maybe that's why the man feels like a moral failure when he can't lead a woman properly to the place of mutual goodness.. even if it's because of her modern mindset or issues and totally not his fault, he naturally assumes fault. Women don't seem to ever want feedback. How crazy is that? Yet we assume their roles are the same. I know they can do stuff like men, like be university professors, and they are great at language and other things, but when it comes to dating, they are no longer adults. Even the good smart ones often regress to the minds of kids I think. It's like they switch off that autonomous center of personal responsibility. Maybe it's because they have to. They kinda have to do it during sex, so why not in the lead up, but then the man who can't do it, can't lead along or attract, for whatever reason, even good reasons, has to bear the responsibility. He has to get all the feedback, hyperanalyze and stress about it all like a mad scientist if necessary. This is too much. Sometimes. Somethings things and life are just too much. I'm working on not having a righteous mind, but they are so much. I don't want to die old and alone. I want to scandalize the church community, through sexual experiences (mutually enjoyed but unexpected). Oh a part of me really does. It hurt me, or i hurt myself by it, even as it gave. It must continue to give, despite my past experiences, my precedents (great concept Chase) or I can't respect it. I need something I can respect. I need to receive respect. So many guys and girls I know in it matched so easily. For me nothing is easy and I'm trying to live and work in different systems, as needed, until one works. I went all in before, and GC gives too much true and valuable insight. I am seeking wisdom and understanding, to not be a fool that has to be beat (see proverbs). I need to take. Women want to be taken right? Everything about women is about plausible deniability. Another role the man has to take on, and mr tate knows this, is the bad guy. Women are never responsible. That's the rule. That's actually fine if men get respect and support and women have value to give- and they do. ngl they do but sometimes it's harder to find and get it but even in my life many women over the years have tried to give it tome but i was blind or stupid in most of those cases. I could be with somebody if a year ago I didn't mess up, and she's great, from a great fam but now she has another. Escalation window, practially ball i think and the set up was great, natural with her, social circle she found me but now that group is all dispersed and I don't want to go climbing all the time every week too, especially just in the hope this same pattern will happen (it probably won't) but who knows, maybe I'll go back.
I am not that much in my head- well not until I get invested. All this is a lifetime of thoughts. I'm 42. I've had 24 years as an adult to think this sht. i wanna put my smn in some good women. it's not like an extra special thing anymore. it's just like natural and necessary, the most old fashioned thing to do in the world. Everyone of my ancestors did it. We modern people act like it's a revolutionary act now. We have been so turned around, values wise and perception wise. I think it is the feminine psychology and institutions. I don't care about politics but about love in life. Unless something changes, inside or out, I'm fkkd. Demographics and supply are the most important things, which will help me emotionally apply the principles but how do I find these groups? University or young adults stuff would be good but I'm not super young anymore. I'm afraid. I'm worthy of someone great. Multiple people sure if that's what it takes, but I'm worthy of something.. in terms of the cost and price and sacrifices paid and made and my honor and character. I think I'm worthy and deserve it but convincing my surface self in the moment as well as getting it is another thing. It is not good for man to be alone.
