I'm fukt

[archimedes]

Hey all.

I'm fucked. Maybe not, but I need to turn things around fast. So much wasted potential. Blah blah yada yada this man is 42, btw over six feet btw over 6 figs and some real estate so doing ok but nothing special, could have been farther, could have gone to MIT if my parents gave me any counselling yada yada. Just giving you the background. Basically I want and have always wanted a fam and kids. I need responsibility. I was always eager to take on responsibility but never managed to get as much as I wanted to satisfy me. I don't know why I got wired this way. I fall in love easy, but from the heart. I have lust. I think my Test is normal but I have a heart. Women often call me sweet (as they reject me) but I don't endeavor to be a nice guy. People (here) just don't get me. They are nice. I am just not petty.

Anyway why am I fukt? Man it's killing me. I need more opportunity. Everything in my life goes in cycles and I'm in a phase again, of pain and sorrow add a couple more years. I'm realizing how different, and cruel seeming women can be from men. As the man Chase said a man won't suddenly lose interest in a woman he liked and then just ghost her. Bad texting probably cost me so much love and I've been one of his latter categories the witty guy open or the engaged conversationalist.

I like younger (adult) women. Obviously they are beautiful physically but their minds are also usually better. They are nicer and more open. I scored 95th percentile on openess in the big 5 trait. That means 95 percent of people are more close minded than me, but I try not to judge.

I don't get laid much. I have gotten laid. I need to fix this bc people say I'm generally attractive. I can attest, it's all about personality.

I don't really like america and American in many ways, not that I'm trying to be uber critical. I appreciate everything and I love free speech, but I like humble down to earth people. I don't even want confidence. Conf might be necessary but I always preferred humility and work ethic, and not making a big a-- deal about myself. I try write my story brief to not waste your time. I hate the arrogant.

Anyway I'm fukt because of demographics. Until I get where there are a lot of women- and younger women in particular or innocent open minded early 30s women, I'm fukt because it's going to be an uphill battle.

I don't want to chase women who are not that interested or chatting multiple men, out of desperation. It's easy to fall into that pattern, not because I'm needy, or a dependent personality but just the psycho-desperation due to numbers and isolation. It's hard. The flesh is weak. I try not to judge but it seems people make the biggest deal of nothing.

I had tons of opportunity the last two years, through a church group I led of young adults but I chased the wrong person for too long and lost opportunity. Man, escalation windows are real. I Don't get it but they exist. I'm amazed, Chase hits the nail on the head with so many things. I have to digest that stuff.

To be transformed by something for the better, it's three phases. You have to understand, then accept and then integrate. I can accept in principle but you can only really accept (emotionally) to the degree you understand. Then you have to figure out how to apply and integrate, specifically. All this is work, but how else do you transform yourself? I don't want to live in my imagination. I don't know how Chase or some people get so good. I know hard work is a factor but many people work hard. There is a grace and gifting aspect to it. I'm a hard determinist. It is the truth I think, and helps me deal with regret.

It's popularly said men regret the sex they didn't have and women the sex they did. I certainly relish the times I did, as kind of victories and also times of love expressed and pleasure experienced and growth experienced, but I do regret the times I didn't, and there are a lot, and they could have been transformative.

I think I'm very psychologically strong, and always have been... but the problem is I'm also a fool out of touch, so while I have a strength and leadership capacity, it gets crushed out the gate.. kinda think of Ned Stark or sth although I also have a dark side or an awareness of the edge. I try not to be actually immoral but I drive fast. I can push the limits.. but I have Stark's weaknesses for sure, his blindnesses.

I regret the sex I didn't have, and it hurt and cost me.. and also the relationships I didn't and probably could. Part of me didn't' want to use people. I didn't want to be the guy, the sinner, who gave the woman the regret. I have never wanted to hurt women- not for my own short term pleasure. I didn't know if I was misguided in that aspect. This might be part of my toxic responsibility pattern.

I need demographics.. in the short run at least, to be in my favor so I can play the game more equally. I don't feel there's much equality. Not trying to complain but things seem extreme now. I'll try use my wits. I dress up now everyday, in black jeans, a nice white collar shirt, 20 from amazon and a black sportcoat type thing. I don't have to think about what to wear and I always look good. Variety is overrated in men. Seriously who has time for that.

Oh one of the areas of resistance of applying what I'm sure would work.. because we have to know ourselves, and resistance is a thing- is coming off as feminine- happy feminine or positive.. gay kind of. Sometimes I want to be serious and not smile- gravitas and stuff. Sometimes I can't afford to even fake things a little but you can be sure if I do smile in these moments it's genuine and that I'm present. Sometimes I can't afford too much- it's humiliating to act in a way I don't feel and even a little bit is expensive. I'm Glad Chase wrote explicitly about this as a tradeoff in his SMS book. The fact he acknowledged it and the tension made me feel validated as a man. No generation prior could have prepared us for texting. It's so unnatural from our genes, yet now women have naturally fallen into given expectations based on their psyches and we have to just know, and researchers like Chase have to split hairs figuring stuff out. It is what it is but let's take a second to recognize how much humility is required. I'm no Roman centurion that I can boast or act put off, but I mean my spirit is one at least.

I need demographics in my favor quick. I'm not getting younger and I was ready for fatherhood years ago. I am old fashioned. I'm an idealist in a sense.. for sure but I hope not a naive one but still definitely an idealist. I think ideally men and women should get married young, and be part of a culture.. like a strong russian culture or whatever. I kinda want to marry a Scottish woman. I love that country. I love auburn red hair. I'm joining more meetup groups and stuff. I don't really want to do what I don't want to do. I used to be busy and active with different stuff. I'm getting back into stuff now but finding the good group where I have status and where there are numbers are key.

We all have it objectively easy in this life with much freedom- materially and all that, but people are stressed psychologically more than ever, by their pseudo choice. I think women are drivers for much of men's stress directly and indirectly, through politics, but women don't choose either. We are all determined. The key and power is in knowing why. Everything is cause. Merovingian was the best char in the matrix and only one I really truly liked and identified with over time. It's all causality. Losers have to go back to the drawing board. Winners don't need to study. Women don't need to study or know anything, even themselves, if they are beautiful. It's a different world. Everything reads humility.

Many times I was given great opportunities, offramps even maybe.

I am NOT afraid to approach or talk. I'm not that shy about talking to people, but shy with my heart sometimes but that's kinda different. I'm not afraid to approach but rejection sucks but investment sucks worse, investing before she does. It all boils down to investment, doesn't it? I got and get kinda turned off of approaching not because I'm afraid of rejection there but I'm afraid of pseudo success, gray zone ambiguity plaguing me for days leading nowhere and have been stuck in this ambivalence for years. If I find the solution maybe I will get more energy and confidence back. I do approach and talk to people. In general when I'm excited I talk faster and listen less. I went on 4 dates with this girl recently. Dating is not what I thought it would be. When young I thought it would be a good faith man and good faith women in love with each other drinking each other in, enjoying each other. It seems like that was maybe a fantasy because successful dates now are when I'm kinda jaded and I just escort women to different places and they enjoy themselves. Is that the price of being good?

Maybe i need to polarize people more quickly. Get to know more quickly. I do that sometimes, because there's not much to lose or it minimizes the risk of a drawn out torturous period of chasing, even if it also nips a possibility in the bud. I've been taking that approach more last several years. At my age, several years is nothing. I'm scared- scared of growing old alone. I'm scared. Sometimes I feel like a motherless child - van morrison, is on repeat now. Great song. I've always identified with the yearner and striver, but also a doer and a worthy man, salt of the earth worth more than 10 men type. How's that working for me?

I want to polarize women more quickly to see if they're into me or not but first you have to meet them. They don't seem super hungry for relationships. In the Christian church the young ones do, so I'm going back, and I want a moderate. I like those traditional values without the fundamentalism.

Demographics screw me. Even if you know what you should do, the fewer women you have, the more you naturally obsess about a few even if deep down you're solid. In dating it's the surface that matters and I naturally invest in the depth. I'm healthy and doing alright but otherwise am not in a good place in life wrt meeting and getting a young girl. I'm on a ledge, on a tree branch I feel, but still I'll never be younger. I have to get after it.

No one has real free will I think. There's always some subtle force that causes you to turn one way or another. There are always external influences. Maybe it's a moral sense, maybe it's a parental influence. Why the F do they cut baby boys and yours truly? I wanna see things as they are and understand the world big picture. I wanna be free. Chase's stuff is... really amazing, but a man still has to digest it, to understand, accept and implement it in the specifics, as needed, and then he can kind of improv.

You go too fast and you're screwed. You go to slow. You go where there are no women or not enough, and you're kinda screwed demographically. I know someone likes me. She's not at the threshold for marriage and is part of a christian community. She honored me, she's a good woman, good heart etc, and there may be others. I wish other girls had her heart, or I could do polygamy. One can, but how really? Why could I have multiple woman if I couldn't get one? It's a paradox but I think it's true. Limiting yourself to one and only one for marriage puts the pressure on you and you let a lot of people go. Someone has to tick enough boxes at which time you're invested, and lacking experience you need an act of God. I realize I should have at least dated these women I wasn't sure about. Hypermorality or old fashioned idealism. I can't regret and I can't feel shame because that only weakens one but yeah.

I want (more) money and be able to travel more, and be free. I don't want to be fn trapped, a salary slave. How does a man become truly free, in every material respect? It's probably for the few- I'm trying. I always had too much self doubt, and giving others the benefit of the doubt. I often overestimated people, on account of 'conservatism'. I see that now. They got to market first, while I was busy being an 'engineer and scholar'. I wasn't afraid of action. I just wanted to do right action, when the feeling came over me, plus you get other guys. Noise is kind of alpha in a club. Loud stupid noises. In my home and places of business I always like quiet. I love quiet but in the bar noise is pretty much alpha. It's reduced to that. So be it, I'd like to be able to as it suits.

One time I made love to a woman, I ended up naturally doing a tantra like thing. It was great. I gave her an O before even taking off her pants or touching her kitty. I have never been truly weak. Just a fool. Just .. a lot of people don't get me. They have their heads down. I have so much GC to ingest, but it has to be ingested, not just scanned. I know how to read a book now-- slowly and methodically. Women and men are so different. All women read is fiction. How do they even do it? Who has the time?

When I'm known and trusted I often do ok with women, or when they have to see me over time, like back in the old days when working in an office, or through a group but in every day anonymity ... it's my failure. Maybe I should live in a small town but are they any different now? People are still transient these days. We are not adapted to this anonymous supertribalism. It hits (life in Desmond Morris's Human Zoo). I think manners are so rare. I think people think I am putting them on a pedestal when I just try have good manners, because I want to, but it's my job to get my meaning across.

I always knew women face risks, so I am sensitive of that and make allowances for that but in many dimensions I didn't know to make allowances because I wasn't aware. I wasn't aware how they have a fantasy mind typically and if you don't match it- or maybe employ other methods to make them suspend it with intrigue, then you're done. Who thinks like this? How can someone change their feelings so fast too and permanently? I don't need women to "chase" me, but I need them to invest in me, and some have. It's not about hacking, or engineering success. I hate those notions. To me it's about adhering to the principles- and former generations didn't have to because things weren't so crazy and extreme. Even the grocery store was seeming extreme to me- the fact we have all this global and factory food at our fingertips versus hunting for it or farming. Things are extreme with dating apps and such. I do have fears that I have to break through. I might be afraid of my sexuality or of showing it in public, and that is huge. I mean just the energy.

I thought i was avoidant attachment because I have pulled back from girls who liked me, for different reasons. I also think I might be anxious. I think I can be either depending on the context but what is necessary is secure. avoidant attachment is also based on anxiety. Really avoidant signifies a behavior and anxious an emotion so I think they misnamed these. I'm no expert but I think they should have named them both after behaviors- chasing versus avoiding styles for example. I think I can be either and both. One ought to be secure- receptive and steady.


I don't want to just wait to die. Sexuality lifts my sprits. Some growth, learning something or succeeding does too temporarily but really I need to get my sexuality out. Fathers of daughters need to be cool with me, if I'm interested in her and she in me. I guess I worry about things too far in advance. I want someone committed and loyal to me. When I read Chase's article about signs a woman will be good for you or sth, she chases you, listens, helps etc I realize I undervalued this and especially the meaning of it. I mean the implications. I'm sure this is night and day over the long haul. Who else teaches this stuff? Who in every day life is fit to? All my ancestors reproduced successfully thus far. What happened? Female psychology rules, totally rules the landscape. I don't mind the privilege or anything like that. It's when the psychology gets in everywhere, it's hard to see reality. It is half of the pop but it misses the other half, which hurts the female half indirectly too. As always, small groups benefit and large groups suffer.

I had no idea women wanted friends, more than guys did. Can women and men be friends? I always assumed that question would have a 50:50 split even when I knew gender differences existed. I didn't understand the role of using guys, which is actually fine if there's clarity.

I can't understand women's refusal to receive feedback. After dates go nowhere you have to ask for feedback and it's hard to get, and they never want yours, even when they're getting older. We are so different. It's like they are really wired to be followers, and weaker. They are entered. They give their whole bodies during sex so I mean it's just a logical extension. Maybe that's why the man feels like a moral failure when he can't lead a woman properly to the place of mutual goodness.. even if it's because of her modern mindset or issues and totally not his fault, he naturally assumes fault. Women don't seem to ever want feedback. How crazy is that? Yet we assume their roles are the same. I know they can do stuff like men, like be university professors, and they are great at language and other things, but when it comes to dating, they are no longer adults. Even the good smart ones often regress to the minds of kids I think. It's like they switch off that autonomous center of personal responsibility. Maybe it's because they have to. They kinda have to do it during sex, so why not in the lead up, but then the man who can't do it, can't lead along or attract, for whatever reason, even good reasons, has to bear the responsibility. He has to get all the feedback, hyperanalyze and stress about it all like a mad scientist if necessary. This is too much. Sometimes. Somethings things and life are just too much. I'm working on not having a righteous mind, but they are so much. I don't want to die old and alone. I want to scandalize the church community, through sexual experiences (mutually enjoyed but unexpected). Oh a part of me really does. It hurt me, or i hurt myself by it, even as it gave. It must continue to give, despite my past experiences, my precedents (great concept Chase) or I can't respect it. I need something I can respect. I need to receive respect. So many guys and girls I know in it matched so easily. For me nothing is easy and I'm trying to live and work in different systems, as needed, until one works. I went all in before, and GC gives too much true and valuable insight. I am seeking wisdom and understanding, to not be a fool that has to be beat (see proverbs). I need to take. Women want to be taken right? Everything about women is about plausible deniability. Another role the man has to take on, and mr tate knows this, is the bad guy. Women are never responsible. That's the rule. That's actually fine if men get respect and support and women have value to give- and they do. ngl they do but sometimes it's harder to find and get it but even in my life many women over the years have tried to give it tome but i was blind or stupid in most of those cases. I could be with somebody if a year ago I didn't mess up, and she's great, from a great fam but now she has another. Escalation window, practially ball i think and the set up was great, natural with her, social circle she found me but now that group is all dispersed and I don't want to go climbing all the time every week too, especially just in the hope this same pattern will happen (it probably won't) but who knows, maybe I'll go back.

I am not that much in my head- well not until I get invested. All this is a lifetime of thoughts. I'm 42. I've had 24 years as an adult to think this sht. i wanna put my smn in some good women. it's not like an extra special thing anymore. it's just like natural and necessary, the most old fashioned thing to do in the world. Everyone of my ancestors did it. We modern people act like it's a revolutionary act now. We have been so turned around, values wise and perception wise. I think it is the feminine psychology and institutions. I don't care about politics but about love in life. Unless something changes, inside or out, I'm fkkd. Demographics and supply are the most important things, which will help me emotionally apply the principles but how do I find these groups? University or young adults stuff would be good but I'm not super young anymore. I'm afraid. I'm worthy of someone great. Multiple people sure if that's what it takes, but I'm worthy of something.. in terms of the cost and price and sacrifices paid and made and my honor and character. I think I'm worthy and deserve it but convincing my surface self in the moment as well as getting it is another thing. It is not good for man to be alone.

 

[Skills]

why guys have the urge to write this type of block of text.... can you do a tldr version.... Brother! you need to have calibration, like who is going to sit there and read this block of words...

 

[archimedes]

why guys have the urge to write this type of block of text.... can you do a tldr version.... Brother! you need to have calibration, like who is going to sit there and read this block of words...

what for, I'm not trying to pick you up.

To me the internet is just for whatever. If I need a community I'll join one in real life.

I try to use this as a workspace to unfuck myself so in real life I am more free, kind of like the Picture of Dorian Gray. He put it all on his picture. I don't care if i'm ugly online anonymously. I care deeply how I am when talking to people.

I don't know why I'm so burdened or messed up. Well I have theories. It's complicated. Parts psychology, burdens, bad parenting, over-responsibility, missed milestones, excessive intelligence, etc but I've always tried my entire life to unfk myself.

I don't know why guys try to live online in forums. I pop in and out. I do it here sometimes because where else? Literally where else? I could pay 1000s for a psychologist and maybe they'd help maybe not, and I have, but where can I know myself and unwind and understand my fk up thought processes? I'm an attractive and charming enough guy on the outside at least if I'm not after anything with anybody, but with a fkd up mindset somehow.

Where else can I unravel this sh-t? Where else? Block of txt. I have 500+ books at home many of them classics in many fields. This isn't a boast. My point is how can a short little post and a short little reply fix anything, just fix me just like that? How would that work, just some generic statements and platitudes? At least if I unwind myself a little I might be able to get at something

 

[KJ Francis]

Where else can I unravel this sh-t?

Right here

 

[KJ Francis]

My point is how can a short little post and a short little reply fix anything, just fix me just like that?

We are not here to fix you. If you want advice, it needs to be presented in a digestible way.

Also read this

None of the Sexual Gambits work

Whenever I use them, they seem to make the girl angry and defensive, rather thqn aroused. Here's what I usually do: I need to transition into the sex talk somehow, so I use anger: "You know what REALLY frustrated me a while back? I was arguing with a friend about who has it easier, men or...

www.skilledseducer.com

And I know I am on a bit of an extreme Mystery kick right now, but this advice applies.

 

[Skills]

what for, I'm not trying to pick you up.

To me the internet is just for whatever. If I need a community I'll join one in real life.

I try to use this as a workspace to unfuck myself so in real life I am more free, kind of like the Picture of Dorian Gray. He put it all on his picture. I don't care if i'm ugly online anonymously. I care deeply how I am when talking to people.

I don't know why I'm so burdened or messed up. Well I have theories. It's complicated. Parts psychology, burdens, bad parenting, over-responsibility, missed milestones, excessive intelligence, etc but I've always tried my entire life to unfk myself.

I don't know why guys try to live online in forums. I pop in and out. I do it here sometimes because where else? Literally where else? I could pay 1000s for a psychologist and maybe they'd help maybe not, and I have, but where can I know myself and unwind and understand my fk up thought processes? I'm an attractive and charming enough guy on the outside at least if I'm not after anything with anybody, but with a fkd up mindset somehow.

Where else can I unravel this sh-t? Where else? Block of txt. I have 500+ books at home many of them classics in many fields. This isn't a boast. My point is how can a short little post and a short little reply fix anything, just fix me just like that? How would that work, just some generic statements and platitudes? At least if I unwind myself a little I might be able to get at something

You are too reactive, you qualify yourself too much, you ramble.. all not attractive... Start trying to solve those things... Any basic seduction material can help... Strat with the game by strauss is a fun read...

 

[Chase]

Hey man,

Welcome to the forum.

I know you're looking for a lot of input here.

The guys here want to help but you've gotta be able to work with the other human beings on the other side of your monitor if you want their aid.

e.g.,

what for, I'm not trying to pick you up.

Presumably, there WAS something you were hoping to get out of other members of the forum by posting, however.

Such as... input? Advice? Diagnoses?

When you want something from other people, you need to approach getting it the right way.

If you approach getting it the wrong way, you will not get what you want.

How to Get Anything from Anyone: The Law of Social Exchange

You can get anyone to give you whatever you want. But to do it, you must obey the Law of Social Exchange (and all its small wrinkles). Contents 1. What Do You Bring to the Table? Tag Alongs “It’s So Unfair!” 2. The Law of Social Exchange Unstable Social Exchanges Wrinkles to Exchange Value 3...

www.girlschase.com

To me the internet is just for whatever. If I need a community I'll join one in real life.

That's cool. Sounds like for you personally it'd be a better fit discussing your situation with a community in real life then?

Alternately, read this:

New to Forums? HOW TO BEHAVE to Make Friends & Not Be a Drama Queen

Welcome to the Boards! You’re new here, and that’s exciting. There’s a TON of very valuable information in this forum, some exceptionally high level members, plenty of other enthusiastic playboys who will be happy to join forces with you on your journey, and many excellent times ahead. Not...

www.skilledseducer.com

Cheers,
Chase

 

[archimedes]

Hey man,

Welcome to the forum.

I know you're looking for a lot of input here.

The guys here want to help but you've gotta be able to work with the other human beings on the other side of your monitor if you want their aid.

e.g.,



Presumably, there WAS something you were hoping to get out of other members of the forum by posting, however.

Such as... input? Advice? Diagnoses?

When you want something from other people, you need to approach getting it the right way.

If you approach getting it the wrong way, you will not get what you want.

How to Get Anything from Anyone: The Law of Social Exchange

You can get anyone to give you whatever you want. But to do it, you must obey the Law of Social Exchange (and all its small wrinkles). Contents 1. What Do You Bring to the Table? Tag Alongs “It’s So Unfair!” 2. The Law of Social Exchange Unstable Social Exchanges Wrinkles to Exchange Value 3...

www.girlschase.com

That's cool. Sounds like for you personally it'd be a better fit discussing your situation with a community in real life then?

Alternately, read this:

New to Forums? HOW TO BEHAVE to Make Friends & Not Be a Drama Queen

Welcome to the Boards! You’re new here, and that’s exciting. There’s a TON of very valuable information in this forum, some exceptionally high level members, plenty of other enthusiastic playboys who will be happy to join forces with you on your journey, and many excellent times ahead. Not...

www.skilledseducer.com

Cheers,
Chase

Hey Chase,

That's why I posted in the journal board. I thought it would be freer and not clutter people's spaces.

I have much respect for you. You're a great writer and on point with so much, and very intelligent. I didn't even think we'd see you on here actually let alone get a reply - not that you're a celebrity but this is your site.

I'll read your sticky rules later. There are always rules rules rules. My personality is to be respectful but to only follow rules that make sense. I speed all the time but bottom line is I know nobody can give me anything helpful on a forum. That's why I did the wall 'o text here in journal. I wish I wasn't this way but I got so much pent up. But people can try if they want. They can feel free to comment whatever they want and I'll read it. Take anything I say and comment, or not. The reason why I don't take online feedback well is that I'm already hard on myself.

IRL I'm no drama queen. In fact I'm probably not emotionally expressive enough IRL and don't get me started about responsibility. I take on too much: my work, my family and friends and all my tenants-- I need less but I want more but I'm the pillar for others.

Also I do like sharing. I do like feeling seen and stuff, and being entertaining or maybe dropping things that people will appreciate. Like one actor once said, I don't like watching my own stuff though.

Anyway I appreciate you. I love your writings.

PS I was gonna post about learned helplessness. I think I have it. I'm throwing in the towel. What can I do that I haven't done? I have been to counsellors and therapists, I have done several boot camps (many many years ago), I have got a 6 figure career, I have travelled the planet twice and many other countries besides, I am part of or have been part of groups- climbing, church, skydiving etc. I read and study a lot. Yes I have had opportunity, a lot of interest in Good Women in these times but it didn't work out. I have had a few hookups and affairs and short term things on and off.

I definitely think I failed because i failed to build momentum. I failed to secure a few good ones for whatever reason which could have built up my reference experience. I missed a LOT of exists, either by ignoring them (being distracted), not seeing them or actually trying to take them but screwing up when it was being given to me, and regarding the latter it has been sometimes probably from having too many pick up ideas in my head and sometimes from just failing normally.

I admit, and I'm not ashamed of it, I've become a very impatient person now.. but reasonable and respectful. This has gone hand in hand with me being driven. A great example is driving- when someone in front of me on the one lane around the lake drives the bare minimum speed limit of 20 and stops completely at each sign, it really jives me. My personality is one that wishes to always KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

I could name so many names over the years, MOLLY, LAURA, ABBY, SARA, ANNA, ANA, KATE, and so many more etc but we all could but my point is this is how a normal person does it, and then they're done. Maybe once or twice and then marriage. For me this failed somehow and even having been exposed to this stuff or maybe because, it still didn't work.

I don't know
1. How I can make myself substantively better
- maybe get really good at a specific thing like swing dancing but I don't love it. I love ballroom but it's not that popular and I'd rather focus on business
2. How to meet more people in community, quickly and effectively, ideally where I have some degree of status.

But there's a paradox of self help and dating self help. Giving someone advice is important and helping them get confident is important but sometimes they need to feel they're good enough. The ones that fail feel too responsible and they have to drop that, so when pointers are given, and the person shrugs them off, they maybe need to learn how to see themselves as good enough. This can make them difficult students but if they need confidence and the feeling of not being a moral failure, it can be hard. Also with any new idea, it has to be understood, defined, accepted and integrated. It is not easy to do that with new ideas. What I take from words or terms like confidence or challenge might be something completely different than the author or another takes. I like extreme specificity over textual media.

Let me be clear, regret is a hard emotion to bear and since I don't believe we really have any free will anyway, we kinda should not be feeling tons of regret or feeling like we're losers but I'm reading a good book on the power of regret. I just started but it was speaking to me. I don't like people who dismiss regret either. We need to feel it. I'm just saying everything we did was what we thought was best at the time, optimal.

I can't snap my finger and get another opportunity tomorrow. I hate online dating. I actually did and do much better in person, in the right context but I'm just here at home not knowing what to do with myself now, trying to not just be busy for the sdkae of being busy (sorry Ben Franklin). It needs to be more; I need to pull back, but then what?

I go to church and I like a lot about it, especially the young adults. They are a different type than older folks. The older guys are like my dad. They just go there to feel good. It's a feel good club but I don't find them very masculine or impressive. I went to a Monday men's group and I wasn't impressed. There doesn't have to be chicks. I'd have loved to hang around all men for a while but I wasn't impressed by the caliber at a new place, but my experience around younger adults is different, and I have something to offer, and I did offer a lot and in general I like the church and its role in western civ but..

I've also been thinking lately about indian thought - specifically karma and samskara, or impressions that govern fate, imprints on the brain. This goes in line with my thinking of free will vs determinism and regret and all that good stuff. I think India provided a good model for understanding a lot of this stuff. Why can't my mind optimize to get what I want and need, sex and love? Why does a man self-sabotage? I'm not a hard-karmaist where it has to do with things like past lives and 'just deserts' but general karma sure. My father just visited and stayed with me over the weekend, first time in 5 years. I bring him up because of samskara. I think he imprints on my brain, parasitically. Like never once, I realize, did anyone have my back. In fact they held me back. Damn bro.

My grandpa, his dad, and then his dad's dad were very successful people in town too and threw big parties and had big families. My dad has no ambition. All he cares about is jesus and politics. He's weak. That's not the point and this is not a rant. I could go on and on but what this is about is that somehow his energy drills down into the lower parts of my brain and lodges there. It puts me on great tilt, ever time until I haven't seen him in a while. What the holle is this?


I want to be someone great, someone like William Wallace-Braveheart. I want to be like someone free and awesome and good and/or at least make love to a woman.


Yeah, I don't know why I have the karma I do, not to be self absorbed. Paid a lot of the cost for things, emotional and financial, don't usually tend to play the victim. Was always an optimist, now I'm more a happy pessimist. That's a change. Love my "Woods of Ypress" "Grey Skies and Electric Lights" (You're welcome) but I'm still high energy and know if I can work on the subtle things I have hell a lot to offer.

Always thinking of what I can do rn but my mind comes up blank. RN after work it's go to the coffeeshop and read or stay at home and read (or look for meetups but it's raining and dark) or lay in bed just feeling what I feel. I'm not lazy but I literally don't know what else there is to do that is any more meaningful rn. I need a rolodex of girls, cause I gotta find someone in the next ten days to take to Les Mis. I can't miss that. I already asked a few. That would be a tragedy but it's normal. I sought strength and wisdom, and I still do but you also have to seek a target, pray for a target to apply them to otherwise you'll go crazy.

I don't want my life to keep going in the same circles and loops. People think people who write this might be low functioning losers. Sure, guilty. But actually I'm high functioning but I need more from life, need more challenge. That'swhy I like buying rental properties but there's my passivity arising from learned helpless

I'll kill the hours, reading and writing or whatever, then sleep, then I'll wake, I'll meet people, one or two may like me. Maybe something will even happen. I have had affairs before. I think Chase is right, about the momentum thing, the reference experience thing. I really shot myself, took a risk putting too much hope in one girl or so, and trying too hard to not hurt women, not break their hearts being too old fashioned.

I think subtle shortcomings and failings and subtle forces really compounded and like interest and investments, you have to make the compounding work in one's own favor. I'm overdue but if I am too much older it's not going to happen at all and I want to see my grandkids. Every girl I've ever got made it easy for me, pursued me kinda. Never have I gotten a girl that I had to pursue much, and there have been a good number that were into me. To know me is to love and respect me. That also adds to the learned helplessness, that I have to join groups and wait for people to know me and be single and get the courage. It's a very slow process but I've tried being the active one. Anyway the Girls Chase philosophy might be right on the edge, where the guy shows up, is present yada yada but she actually does the positive work. Maybe that's exactly what I need to do, fine tune and all but first I need communities and events, and useful things to do with my time. Ideally, especially at my age, I'd be raising kids, not playing the kid but it is what it is, right?

 

[KJ Francis]

My bad I actually did not notice this was in the journal section. I saw Skills reply in recent activity and was like "sheesh I know right..."

So are you airing it out for own thought process self reflection, or is there a question here?

Can you boil it down to 1-3 questions that are no more than two lines each?

 

[Skills]

My bad I actually did not notice this was in the journal section. I saw Skills reply in recent activity and was like "sheesh I know right..."

So are you airing it out for own thought process self reflection, or is there a question here?

Can you boil it down to 1-3 questions that are no more than two lines each?

yeah i did not see it was in a journal either....

 

[KJ Francis]

I don't know
1. How I can make myself substantively better

Is this your main question from all that? "I am at a total loss. How do I get better with girls"? I did not even see this question before lol

If so, Chase answered it today with a step by step process from zero to hero.

Secrets to Getting Girls: Positive Reference Experiences

The man who excels with women is the one who possesses enough very positive reference experiences with them. These SHAPE his mind & behavior toward women! Want to know an absolutely ENORMOUS secret behind every guy who’s successful with women? The BIG secret behind guys who are ‘naturals’ who...

www.girlschase.com

 

[Chase]

My bad I actually did not notice this was in the journal section. I saw Skills reply in recent activity and was like "sheesh I know right..."

Whoops! +2 on that.

Sorry @archimedes. Thought you posted a huge request for help in Beginners or General.

You're journaling... very different story!

PS I was gonna post about learned helplessness. I think I have it. I'm throwing in the towel. What can I do that I haven't done? I have been to counsellors and therapists, I have done several boot camps (many many years ago), I have got a 6 figure career, I have travelled the planet twice and many other countries besides, I am part of or have been part of groups- climbing, church, skydiving etc. I read and study a lot. Yes I have had opportunity, a lot of interest in Good Women in these times but it didn't work out. I have had a few hookups and affairs and short term things on and off.

Do you have any learning or personality disorders?

I put this in here to say I have seen your issues a LOT with men who have Asperger's:

• High activity levels + success in business, career, fitness, sports, hobbies, etc. vs.
• Huge difficulties finding, initiating, and maintaining romantic relationships
• Utter confusion about WHY their dating & relationships are not working out

Typically a neurotypical guy will be able to intuit what his social problems are, even if he's not been able to fix them yet.

e.g., "I just don't have enough social experience and keep making faux pas," "I know what I need to do but I have too much anxiety to do it," "I'm really good with less attractive girls but with the hotter ones I just freeze up," etc. (these are the nature of what you will hear from guys who learn social skills intuitively -- self-diagnoses that tend to be fairly close to the mark on what they need to improve)

I definitely think I failed because i failed to build momentum. I failed to secure a few good ones for whatever reason which could have built up my reference experience. I missed a LOT of exists, either by ignoring them (being distracted), not seeing them or actually trying to take them but screwing up when it was being given to me, and regarding the latter it has been sometimes probably from having too many pick up ideas in my head and sometimes from just failing normally.

That doesn't explain failures happening now though.

e.g., if you talk to 15 pretty girls this week, and nothing comes of that -- why not?

If you start dating a new girl, and it doesn't lead where you want it to -- what's the reason?

I admit, and I'm not ashamed of it, I've become a very impatient person now.. but reasonable and respectful. This has gone hand in hand with me being driven. A great example is driving- when someone in front of me on the one lane around the lake drives the bare minimum speed limit of 20 and stops completely at each sign, it really jives me. My personality is one that wishes to always KEEP MOVING FORWARD.

This sounds a lot like autism spectrum.

I could name so many names over the years, MOLLY, LAURA, ABBY, SARA, ANNA, ANA, KATE, and so many more etc but we all could but my point is this is how a normal person does it, and then they're done. Maybe once or twice and then marriage. For me this failed somehow and even having been exposed to this stuff or maybe because, it still didn't work.

Again, sounds like there are intuitive social concepts you are not grasping.

This can be due to extreme social inexperience (was the case for me as a teen / early 20s; I basically had to approach socializing like an autist at first, learning mechanical rules, because I was so far behind), but that is not you -- you have had sex, relationships, affairs, etc., so you are not in the boat of "simply does not have experience socializing or with romance at all."

I don't know
1. How I can make myself substantively better
- maybe get really good at a specific thing like swing dancing but I don't love it. I love ballroom but it's not that popular and I'd rather focus on business

This is not going to fix the relational issues you are having.

It can give you a pipeline for dates though, provided you build expertise in an area with a high turnover of eligible women.

2. How to meet more people in community, quickly and effectively, ideally where I have some degree of status.

Building expertise in an area will help with that, yes.

But there's a paradox of self help and dating self help. Giving someone advice is important and helping them get confident is important but sometimes they need to feel they're good enough. The ones that fail feel too responsible and they have to drop that, so when pointers are given, and the person shrugs them off, they maybe need to learn how to see themselves as good enough. This can make them difficult students but if they need confidence and the feeling of not being a moral failure, it can be hard. Also with any new idea, it has to be understood, defined, accepted and integrated. It is not easy to do that with new ideas. What I take from words or terms like confidence or challenge might be something completely different than the author or another takes. I like extreme specificity over textual media.

The level of precision and attention to detail of word specificity/meaning again is the type of thing you see with men who have Asperger's.

Let me be clear, regret is a hard emotion to bear and since I don't believe we really have any free will anyway, we kinda should not be feeling tons of regret or feeling like we're losers but I'm reading a good book on the power of regret. I just started but it was speaking to me. I don't like people who dismiss regret either. We need to feel it. I'm just saying everything we did was what we thought was best at the time, optimal.

I can't snap my finger and get another opportunity tomorrow. I hate online dating. I actually did and do much better in person, in the right context but I'm just here at home not knowing what to do with myself now, trying to not just be busy for the sdkae of being busy (sorry Ben Franklin). It needs to be more; I need to pull back, but then what?

I go to church and I like a lot about it, especially the young adults. They are a different type than older folks. The older guys are like my dad. They just go there to feel good. It's a feel good club but I don't find them very masculine or impressive. I went to a Monday men's group and I wasn't impressed. There doesn't have to be chicks. I'd have loved to hang around all men for a while but I wasn't impressed by the caliber at a new place, but my experience around younger adults is different, and I have something to offer, and I did offer a lot and in general I like the church and its role in western civ but..

I've also been thinking lately about indian thought - specifically karma and samskara, or impressions that govern fate, imprints on the brain. This goes in line with my thinking of free will vs determinism and regret and all that good stuff. I think India provided a good model for understanding a lot of this stuff. Why can't my mind optimize to get what I want and need, sex and love? Why does a man self-sabotage? I'm not a hard-karmaist where it has to do with things like past lives and 'just deserts' but general karma sure. My father just visited and stayed with me over the weekend, first time in 5 years. I bring him up because of samskara. I think he imprints on my brain, parasitically. Like never once, I realize, did anyone have my back. In fact they held me back. Damn bro.

My grandpa, his dad, and then his dad's dad were very successful people in town too and threw big parties and had big families. My dad has no ambition. All he cares about is jesus and politics. He's weak. That's not the point and this is not a rant. I could go on and on but what this is about is that somehow his energy drills down into the lower parts of my brain and lodges there. It puts me on great tilt, ever time until I haven't seen him in a while. What the holle is this?


I want to be someone great, someone like William Wallace-Braveheart. I want to be like someone free and awesome and good and/or at least make love to a woman.

A desire to be great will always remain simply a desire until you have a thing you desire to be great DOING.

"The world NEEDS this," "My people need this," "Until I have achieved this, people will continue to suffer", "This important invention needs to be perfected and pushed out into the world," -- these are the drivers of men who achieve greatness.

Without a specific cause that lights the fire in a man's breast, all that is left over is vanity, and vanity alone cannot create greatness.

Always thinking of what I can do rn but my mind comes up blank. RN after work it's go to the coffeeshop and read or stay at home and read (or look for meetups but it's raining and dark) or lay in bed just feeling what I feel. I'm not lazy but I literally don't know what else there is to do that is any more meaningful rn. I need a rolodex of girls, cause I gotta find someone in the next ten days to take to Les Mis. I can't miss that. I already asked a few. That would be a tragedy but it's normal. I sought strength and wisdom, and I still do but you also have to seek a target, pray for a target to apply them to otherwise you'll go crazy.

I don't want my life to keep going in the same circles and loops. People think people who write this might be low functioning losers. Sure, guilty. But actually I'm high functioning but I need more from life, need more challenge. That'swhy I like buying rental properties but there's my passivity arising from learned helpless

I was going to say, the fixation on having a date for a specific plan you already have picked out far in advance also sounds like autism.

But you mention here you're high functioning.

Have you read through the thread on the forum where we discuss practical strategies for (high functioning) autistic men?

What Are the Best Tips & Strategies for Autistic Men?

Hey fellas, Some years back I wrote a piece on the mind blindness problem of autism and how it makes dating difficult for autistic men, and how it makes them so very difficult to work with as a coach or advisor...

www.skilledseducer.com

I would suggest reading the entire thread to get the gist of the various forum member's takes. There's a diversity of opinions there, including from members who've had success dating as autistic men.

I'll kill the hours, reading and writing or whatever, then sleep, then I'll wake, I'll meet people, one or two may like me. Maybe something will even happen. I have had affairs before. I think Chase is right, about the momentum thing, the reference experience thing. I really shot myself, took a risk putting too much hope in one girl or so, and trying too hard to not hurt women, not break their hearts being too old fashioned.

Yes, reference experiences are key.

However, I would not get overly hung up on that at this point.

The major obstacle when dating with autism is the mind blindness issue.

There are several autistic commenters on our forum and several in the article I wrote on it saying they managed to overcome this, and basically construct a "mechanistic empathy model" in their heads, which is the real game changer if you are autistic.

(takes time to build and is mentally taxing to run, but it will improve your romantic/social outcomes in ways that nothing else will)

I think subtle shortcomings and failings and subtle forces really compounded and like interest and investments, you have to make the compounding work in one's own favor. I'm overdue but if I am too much older it's not going to happen at all and I want to see my grandkids. Every girl I've ever got made it easy for me, pursued me kinda. Never have I gotten a girl that I had to pursue much, and there have been a good number that were into me. To know me is to love and respect me. That also adds to the learned helplessness, that I have to join groups and wait for people to know me and be single and get the courage. It's a very slow process but I've tried being the active one. Anyway the Girls Chase philosophy might be right on the edge, where the guy shows up, is present yada yada but she actually does the positive work. Maybe that's exactly what I need to do, fine tune and all but first I need communities and events, and useful things to do with my time. Ideally, especially at my age, I'd be raising kids, not playing the kid but it is what it is, right?

Well, you're a good guy, you have attractive qualities, obviously there are women who want you (enough to do all the work to get you!).

Your major obstacle is the mind blindness issue, where you're "guessing wrong" about other people because you can't see what's in their heads.

If you can fix that to an extent, through reverse engineering the empathy model that most people run automatically in the backgrounds in their heads, you can change the game for yourself.

Chase

 

[archimedes]

I love you guys! I was going to say that before I read your replies, but your replies are also too sweet. Yeah I am kind of airing, but airing so I can self reflect. Where else? And anyone is always free to comment, not required. I hate forums.. Love hate. I hate them in general but especially pick up. I dunno I always feel .. I Don't really konw. I'm scared to see what people's reactions are going to be. I'm a man of courage out in the world in many ways, 100+ skydive jumps.. but some things scare me. Dunno.

I likely have aspergers. Never been tested but I made it into mensa. I didn't even know i was that smart until like 3 friends from childhood had told me without me asking, so I was like let's see, and I got into it. I never go and let it lapse. I value intelligence but I don't rank it as more important than attitude and character.

Actually my dad said once he and my mom thought I had Asperger's. That made me so angry when he said it, matter of factly. It didn't bother me that I might have it. In fact it is a nice alibi and I've used it on occasion, with him and elsewhere. It's my Asperger card. It made me angry because he did nothing to help me in life, did nothing beyond the bare minimum to help me grow. We come from quite a fam but it stopped with him. Him and his wife my mom, they are useless.

They gave me 3 square meals a day and a safe house, which is not nothing, but they had not one career conversation with me growing up, which could have saved decades. My grandpa and great grandpa were ballers in business and throwing parties in their towns - actually in this city where I live now, not far from where he grew up, this city of lakes.

My dad does nothing, but goes to church, sputters non sequiturs and is like a boy. My mom was highly intelligent but always unhappy, face scowling, never admitting she needed help. Despite all this I never tried to make excuses. I had a hero's mentality. When I learned fairly recently about growth vs fixed mindsets, it surprised me that people could have fixed mindsets.I know there's such a thing as fate and limits placed on you by life and where you're born but you should always try to optimize your mindset.

So yeah I probably have Asperger's.. and that's cool to know.

I don't know if this is an Aspie thing but a part of me wants to rave. I was driving in my jeep blasting techno les mis and just loving it driving to the store. I want to accelerate life. I don't think I've fully lived my potential or even opened up halfway. People are slow and that's fine sometimes but I want to flow.

Anyway I made it to Les Mis. I was so happy to. This 21 year old from church went (I'm 42). We went as friends. I'm not going to try reframe that when frames are strong. Also who doesn't like a friend. She's super cool. She drives a big ass blue truck and works in drywall - cute short tomboy energy. Glad I could see it and I'm going again with some others. Love the show and hate to miss opportunities. I want to celebrate life. That's why it sucks not having wife, kids, gfs, to celebrate life. If I do open up and live, I think I'm a very very very late bloomer. I don't think I'm typical but I really do not try to be different... I think I'm logical and generous.. and longsuffering. I'm also taking my sister to Les Mis when she visits and 2 friends, guy and girl and I asked another girl. I buy all the tickets thank you. Oh and Danielle... the girl I took - I suspected this the last several weeks, and then I tried it when out, and then after I got back I found and read it in your book (I had your ebook printed into a physical book for $30), and it worked. Touch. Try to do everything without touch. It's maddening. I don't know how I became a non toucher.. but I kinda did.

I'm gonna touch so much more now. That's like my singular focus. Also at this german group this lady, the leader- a super elegant cool girl but she's taken- she always gives me the longest eye contact, and it just makes me feel good. It does something deep in the brain. I think touch is probably more important, because it is more mutual and barrier breaking but Eye Contact rocks too. I see it in your book but I think it has to be instinctive. Are we not men?

So... in light of those things (the power of touch and eye contact) and in light of the fact that the day gives stress, and
whereas, I'm doing well enough in business and career and am on track and whereas that doesn't even matter if I don't have love and family, and whereas this can be good-- success can be uplifting and afford more opportunities but can also be distracting or false hope building,

I've therefore just this night while walking the street decided to consider everything to do with dating besides touch and eye contact, to be in support of eye contact and touch, and everything outside of dating- career and everything to be in support of dating in support of touch and eye contact... for the indefinite aion until I decide otherwise.

As to advice-- I've always sought council and wisdom. This stuff is very personal so maybe it's harder in that sense. I also feel like I've heard it all. Maybe I haven't but it seems like that. And I 'know' a lot. I do indeed but it's another thing to integrate it or be smooth with it. I'm just kinda skeptical. The value is in the execution. I need some successes, some tin cans more than theory.. I think at this point. My friend said once that work begets work. I think success begets success in dating and I have been the nice guy too much in the past. In particular I've been too good. At times I wouldn't sleep with or even date someone who was giving me signs if I wasn't sure I was best for her. Now I realize.. I was dangerously overcautious and over-responsible, and superstitious. No more. Life is still going to twist us, mess with our minds and I don't really believe in free will but that's my attitude here.

I like how you care. you get it.. I think. I don't want to be fully a pua or anything. I want to be a 'natural', even if such natural is built. When I was leading young adults.. I don't remember if I said this above, I got so much love and respect, and signals from girls. I failed to act on a single one really for various reasons... distractions, chasing the wrong, superstitions, and not wanting to risk the valuable reputation... but it was amazing the love I got, from men and women, elders. The older men's groups at churches I find are not good. They are too boyish and feel good which you think would be the opposite. The younger adults.. they are more down to earth. It is strange. I guess maybe marriage makes the guys complacent. I also find, getting back to the 21 year old-- I find that women are more mature when they're younger. I danced with a high schooler at swing yesterday and that's normal there but mostly it's college people. I find they are more mature when younger and as they get older they get less mature. Not all, but many. It's weird. It's strange. I do not get it. It's women.

Everything I'm doing now I want to be about eye contact and touch-- all my dating actions and efforts.. and all my business efforts.. ultimately. I mean what that means in practice is you audit and review the big picture stuff and ask if it's serving. I do have purpose there. I had a call to a bookkeeper I'm finally getting hired. I've always done my own books (really failed to do them). I love numbers. I just hate entering them... but I guess I'll audit how things are serving me- my day job, my real estate.. because we need them, we do like them, but they are not ends in themselves. Dating is not an end in itself. Touching and eye contact is. I don't know if this is an Asperger's thing but I sometimes reduce things down like this to increase the odds I keep my eyes on what matters.

---

Ok I said what I was thinking to say. Now I read your post Chase. Thank you. Thank you.

I will read that spectrum thread shortly.


I don't care if I'm autistic but I do find the judgement from society funny. If it's not cruel judgment, it's othering and what I find funny from them (not people here) is that I find them basic, boring and predictable. I think I am both logical, yet unpredictable, which I think is kind of cool, and you get the best from me when I'm challenged, at work and outside, otherwise I often tune out. People are basic but they think the world was made for them to judge-- and they have the majority so they have the high ground.

I will read and learn. Incidentally, there's a movie. Have you ever seen Scent of a Woman with Al Pacino? The Godfather is alright but I LOVE this movie. I saw it when I was maybe 12 or 14 in the 90s and was blown away. Way before I had any life experience, I felt him and was taken in. My views on the movie haven't changed since and having read some online reviews, other people do not get it at all.. and they are so critical of my guy (in places where it is not due!). I mention this because maybe it is an autism thing? Maybe the character of Pacino, Lt Col Frank Slade has autism? He exhibits many of my traits. I think he causes a fuss at Thanksgiving not just because he doesn't feel accepted, and he feels depressed and useless, but also because he feels the conversation is too boring, and too passive. No joke my cousin is half norwegian american and half italian american and he compared for me the two holiday events growing up. Our norwegian side was people sitting around doing nothing, bitching or gossiping. I think Pacino's character was also highly intelligent and passionate yet stifled... and saw the stifling and lost potential of others. His Nephew said "why don't you go down to the bowry with the other drunks" but he didn't want that. He didn't want to just get drunk. He wanted family but he wanted passion. He wanted the blend.

Anyway at a young age and still I resonated with his character and to me this was common sense, move forward or move out of the way, and support your people. Now I know life is tough and there is competition. It's not like I'm Elon Musk but at least we try. So anyway.. i guess he is misunderstood the whole movie, and even Charlie doesn't understand him. Maybe his niece he lives with (actually).. and now we're living in the anxious generation and that hits women too. Anyway I might be similarly misunderstood-- but boy could he sweep women away. I'm still working on that, and on my courage, but that's what I've always wanted. I want women. Flesh. Love... but if you could guarantee me a basic woman for a night NSA, I just had to listen to her prattle away for an hour, and in bed she's a fish and she is unresponsive in text, I don't think I would take it.

Sorry for writing so much. I am passionate about that movie but I think it might be telling, because at such a young age I vibed with it and it was about a depressed but talented old man who had lost hope.

But I am not here to just fantasize or wish. I want to actually touch. I want to actualize and kiss and club and marry-- and then later have kids and travel and bring them to places like Montreal and Vilnius, Edinburgh, Kyoto and Reykjavic so like Kevin O'Leary they grow up with experience. But it has to start with touching. How amazingly touching her on the elbow a few times broke down all the tension and awkwardness and even the creepiness. Touch is truth.

Thank you love you

 

[archimedes]

I got carried away in my last post but I don't want to edit and I still stand behind it. i was just showing my aspie. Still have to read the linked thing. Will do. I know it's the issue.

Td:dr -
1. Went out yesterday night.
2. my focus needs to be on 1- MEETING, 2- TOUCHING, EYE CONTACT AND ESCALATION and 3- TAKING HER HOME, and everything else (conversation skills, fashion etc) is just support for this line of attack


I wanna say/reinforce... everything has to be about escalation. I think most people get into this and get trapped in some sub-area. It's a mental puzzle kinda-- you can always get better at reading body language, or framing whatever. I call these head things or non tactile things. Plus combine the fact that you worry about coming off bad trying to touch someone or get them to your place... that goes on the back burner.


NO MORE! Nada Mas.

And on top of that, you try max your life- career max, wealth max, etc. It's just so convenient to try that versus .. what has the biggest impact. Touch and escalation. if you escalate, they don't feel disrespected and you're not in danger. What happens is that their windows don't close. you may fail with some that you would have gone farther with but you might not fail with an equal or greater number that you would have before. In other words there's two ways to err-- too slow or too fast.

I'm going to be touch centric. I mean, eye contact and touch is the whole focus.. everything else is to support that. Conversation, etc. And more than touch centric, I'm going to be 'take her home' centric.

But before I do that, I have to meet them. So the three areas of focus- almost the three exclusive areas of focus, are Meeting, Touch and Eye Contact, and taking home.

I know this aligns with Chase's philosophy. I didn't realize but I've realized lately (should have been a long time ago) how definite windows are, and how cruel they are. You are loved and welcomed by a woman into her world, her friend circle, everything.. until you miss the window and then you are outcast. This is extreme but it's happened.

And they imagine and interpret and assume so much about you, based on your escalation rate or non escalation rate.. or it seems like they do, and rather than try to (logically) try to get them to question their assumptions, which is a huge pain and never works, it's better to fulfill them.

And women are good at playing dumb... even though they're really smart and verbally smart. They are good at playing dumb so it confuses me. So many things confuse me but I think the key is being sexual.. even if you think you want something long term.

I need to meet them. How and where one meets them makes all the difference. There are two things- the volume of women you meet somewhere, the warmth and and quality of the meeting and the status you have where you meet them. I NEED TO FIND where I can meet more women better- and people generally. This is a huge problem. Nobody likes cold approach or cold call or cold anything, least of all when you're in your 40s.

MEET
TOUCH AND EYE CONTACT - GET COMFORTABLE WITH THIS
BRING HER HOME

I guess the last two girls I slept with, were once I brought home right away and I wanted a relationship from one but it didn't work out. Long story short, I found that early sex was not enough to secure a relationship, and then I ended up doing a lot of things with the Christian community AND a third girl before these two, my condom broke and she was one I would not want to have a child with, so I decided I only want to sleep with someone I'd be fine getting pregnant. So long story short I stopped bringing them home or trying to bring them home right away. I see this was an overcompensation.


A man should not over anything. not overestimate or underestimate. Not overcompensate. It is hard but you have to get things just right.

How can I max the best way to meet people? I went to sbux today, where I'm now, to work on some lead paint abatement grant forms.. and there's a big football event here on campus. The vibe is good and cool. I like being part of things. I like where the vibe is good. I'm kinda a natural sigma but I don't want to be too much of one. i want to belong. this is the best way to meet people, adn where the best people are.

Be someone in a community or place. Meet lots of people. Escalate escalate escalate. It's weird but a perception came to me [writing is remembering] that no matter the look of the girl, the personality, the background or difference, or "hotness", if I could touch them while they're talking and I'm listening, I could make any and all of them love me, or at least like it and feel good. I really think so but it's getting there. Then it's getting them home. But first it's meeting them. This is this aion (age) and then the next one is fatherhood but one aion at a time.

I get obsessed kinda and hyper focused because I've found that's the only way I can really get something done if it is not already habit or convenient. Meet obsession (and I am NOT meeting enough people), Touch obsession and Bring her home obsession. A man can't just change his personality overnight, but he can start. He can start attacking it. He has to.

--

And do his business and work and career, but know that's very lowly correlated to success in today's age. I think A LOT of incels and such are actually otherwise well adjusted, successful, outwardly attractive men, not obese losers living in their parents basement playing video games.*

--
*Many people think all involuntary celibates are misogynists by definition. I adapted Bayes' theorem to calculate or account for this, to tease out the truth (as I'm learning probability). We would just need the base rates-- and then we could estimate the likelihood this is true.
P(M|I) = [P(I|M)*P(M)]/P(I).

--

I went out yesterday. I walked the clubbing area of my local city, which is only a few miles from where I live. it was chilly, but people came out, around 11. I didn't engage with many people but I did a few, briefly. It wasn't super populated because it was late in the season and the weekend before thanksgiving I assume but I saw three girls walking in front of me.. The middle one, blonde was really cute and nice looking. She had baggy pants and a fluffy shirt but I could still see her general shape underneath, and this kind of stuff is motivating, if I can maintain confidence and vibe. It's demoralization and discouragement that causes one to.. falter but if you can maintain it you can keep talking** I guess.

--
**Talking is kind of a misnomer, I think, because it is more-so listening.. and reading body language, especially microexpressions.. and now I see, also touching and sitting close. Elbows and shoulders and back are the easist, but legs touching, maybe holding the hand. I gotta get better at asking for the hand or taking the hand- especially if/when sitting across from table on dinner date, so that's a priority. That's a high priority for me because touching is not just a high priority but first and foremost the thing of focus, after meeting, and before getting them home.
--

I didn't know the best dance clubs to go to. I would have gone to one and danced and had a few vodka cokes.I will have to do my research.. but I don't thing this is going to be my main meeting method. I think I will meet more women in church, especially if I socialize generally and stay cool. I have to be ready to escalate there.

BTW some of this, much of this seems 'vampiric' - touch, the the direct path to sex and taking them back, going where they are.. so that put me off. I don't want to be a vampire.. but so be it. It's largely in my mind. It's actually masculine right? I think a lot of modern men are actually functionally strong, but denying themselves, because the only way to defeat a strong man is to turn that strong man against himself, in his mind. They think vampires are sexy. What's the alternative- a man living in fantasy AND probably creeping her out or annoying her by doing nothing? I just want to say some of this seems vampiric but they (apparantly) require men to be the aggressor or initiator (AND they require fast or expedient escalation) so there you go? How else can you get that? People get off on being considered a good person, and nobody likes to be a hypocrite so you try do the same things when nobody is looking, but even in the church the older men are out of touch and are all 'feel good' but no depth of heart. There is NOBODY guiding or guiding wisely, or who can command respect, more than I can command with myself. So these are all things to weigh and consider.

Just my thoughts.

 

[archimedes]

It took years to prove a theory, that I probably knew was true, or kinda true, but there's an upside.

That business success or life success or liking your life even relates to success with women.

I'm closing the ticket on this big thing that played in the background.

We all have to make choices. We have limited information and resources in life.

In a way it is true.

I didn't date much in high school. I have two brothers with down syndrome but worse I think were my parents. I don't think I could have brought people home. My dad just visited me at my home here and it was torture. The man is such an idiot. He'll need to grow up. There's a reason my mom is dead, by suicide, but she has her own problems. Anyway I didn't date much in high school. My friends tried to set me up a few times. I was too -- nice is not the word. Invested is closer but it's not that either. Old Fashioned or too quick to take the approach I did, though it felt perfectly natural. To care and be interested. Those didn't work out. I did hook up with someone at a party once. That was high school, just trying to survive.

Beginning of college I tried to to date. I met this girl before college started, and we kept in touch. Email was still pretty new at the time for most people. I mailed her on yahoo. We went on this pre-college camping trip as a group but this other guy got her, and dumped her. Anyway it's alright. Her uncle or someone was a famous baseball player. Anyway other girls showed interest in me in college.. one molly malone. That's actually her name. She died young. I guess i tried. She was gorgeous. We studied together once, but I couldn't progress things. I hooked up a few times but not that much. I felt sometimes a little out of place at parties, or at least I wasn't the cool person. It was a small rural college. I should have went to a big urban university (and did engineering). Anyway. The cross country/track parties, I belonged in but I quit that and those weren't my real people and I quit that after two years. They were just what I found. If hockey were my sport in high school like it was for my extended family and for my dad even, things would have been different. I'm not full of regret here actually. I've processed these things. It's just easier to give the deets than not.

I studied abroad my junior year, in scotland and then travelled. I hooked up a few times. This is where I discovered game or the pua community, or actually discovered it a just prior but went all in. I went too much in I think. I should have just built more of a network of friend organically, kept in touch, been more normal but it is an experience i look on very favorably. Love Scotland. Coming back to small college town was a little weird. I lived in international dorm my sr year-- actually had a 3some, amazingly.. with a czech and a russian girl. the chubby russian was just kinda passed out, more with the czeck. I'd been on stage briefly wearing some international african or whatever fashion thing for 2 seconds that someone asked me last minute to do.. not the normal course of events. Then at dining hall later these international people noticed me, who came from the college over.. and then we went out that night the college dance event. Was so .. different than normal flow. it just happened. drank vodka i had.

But... in general it was not a good experience. I didn't progress in any kind of career and I didn't get a girlfriend or LTR which is what I wanted.

My theory of this is that I didn't have a career and know where I was going-- not success per se but direction, and therefore I didn't have confidence and wasn't ready.. particularly as I was past the freshmen and sophomore age.

This is largely true. I didn't have confidence and wasn't ready, and that would have helped if only psychologically. My CC friends were at least studying cool useful stuff, chemistry, math etc. I did "financial economics" because it seemed more conservative for jobs. They didn't have pure finance... but even that's math and I love math now. I love science now. What a joke that nobody had a conversation with me growing up, considering my grandpa, great grandpa and so many of my uncles were/are studs and high performance people. Neither here nor there. Just background water under the bridge but it's part of the story.

But if on the other hand I would have understood college- a place to connect, just have fun, I would have also been better off if I'd have just got wasted.

Also I had a trust fund. Yeah. Don't know how that changes or changed things. Not super rich but in the 10s of thousands, low hundreds. College was all paid for but I paid for it with time.. and self esteem. I paid in other, worse ways.

But then over the years, after college seeking jobs here in the city (finally i lived in a big(ger) city and saw what that's about), and then going overseas to teach english (japan, thailand), and then going to california to try organic farming, and then back overseas to teach more (Europe and turkey) (all in my 20s) and then going back to hometown university (not small town but hometown) for two years to polish up an accounting degree to charge me into getting a career- which is what I kind of always wanted, as a way to have a family and be in the professional world, but I didn't know how to crack it. Yeah.. I'm a lot different now. I know how to focus and work hard and push yourself. I know the rules for business success are different than dating. You can pester people for jobs. You don't have to work at being cool. Just do it. Just go after it. No one feels stalked. I got better at this.

While doing the accounting, I took on so many side jobs- sprinkler irrigation the first summer/fall from coming back from europe, then sugarbeet factory (full time while studying full time but only for one year), and other stuff, tax internship at tiny firm. coffee shop at the Student Union my senior year not at all for the money and only one or two days a week but it was fun. Mostly girls and they'd mostly make the drinks. I'd ring up the customers. Was fun having that connection. I like being around girls where I don't have to speak. Some trusted me right away and were so warm and awesome. Others, hot ones, are shy or whatever but time builds trust.

No way could I have established that connection in the real world, that unspoken connection. It takes time to build trust with some types, and so I have to be part of things. Work became healing and therapy for me and still has remained that in a way, though now I work on line from home as a dev and do real estate. I also had a similar experience connecting with people I don't usually have the ability to when I did a volunteer spring break trip. I don't even have to talk. People laugh at things I say when I'm not even trying to be funny, and sometimes they don't get me when I am, but being part of something is the key, groups. I'm getting older and that's sad but groups are the key. Finally I get the respect and trust I'm worthy of. I'm not unworthy. Aspie shit maybe. BTW it kind of pisses me off that they're always changing how they view us.. on a spectrum whatever. it feels political or censored, as in one FB group I requested to join doesn't let you use the word Asperger. It's autism spectrum. So many dumb rules. WTH men.

Too much moving around in my 20s. I should have fucked more. Should have drunk more actually, perhaps. Ah well it happened what happened. Had a few little things overseas, no LTRs. what's wrong with me? It's like I suppressed a part of me that I had discovered and honored much earlier, in my early 20s. I was also not eating much meat, because that's what people said not to do until I learned finally that's bullshit. Now it's horseshoed, and I'm eating mostly meat lol. I look and feel my best, but I'm old so old 42 lol.

I've always wanted to be a father as well as lover/partner/husband/whatever. that's the tragedy, I think i'd make a fucking great one, and I don't have all the time in the world anymore. Anything can happen too, I could get hit by a car. I also know there's a declining birth rate. All the signs say get laid focus on this have kids stop overthinking, so that's what I'm trynna do, because I have proved my theory or that bit is done. Success and stability is nice. Women suggested I needed it to be datable, and you probably kinda do, if you want to e a father or attract a woman like that, and at 42 it would be ridiculous not to have it, but still it is not what creates attraction or gets women into bed.

So what is necessary is to meet women. meet lots of women and people. I never figured this part out. At some point (after doing lots of jobs and having hobbies and getting more self confidence from that, over which I could relate to people) I got better at talking to people I was meeting, and being equal or whatever... but now I need to be in environments where I meet good people naturally and they see the best in me. It's not that complicated. That's what is meant by meeting.. not (just) doing cold approaches, which is off putting or at least discouraging. It's not that complicated but one needs community. One needs a stream... of people.. inbound. Church I guess. Hobbies.

Also in this timeframe I have described above.. we went from barely having the internet.. and most of my high school friends getting married well before dating apps existed, to all that.

Also I have spent the last 9 years in a certain city which may be kind of a cultural bubble. I think my hometown, or a smaller town might give a lot different of a vibe... but it is not easy to just move like I used to, and also I have real estate and tenants to take care of. if i got a manager it would cost much and I don't think they'd do as good a job. I took a 3 week trip to europe this last summer/fall, having not been there in over 10 years. Saw lots of places, old places like germany and poland and new places like lithuania and slovenia. I drove around in a rented car for the first time so I saw the country but .. this is not a solution.. what do passport bros do? How do they do it? I don't want a mail order bride. And there is much abundance here, if I can crack it.

I know I need to met more, and touch more. More physical touch.. and escalation. This is what's been lacking. I don't know why.. because at one period it wasn't. Maybe I got too many ideas in my head from different places. I don't know.

Success and where you're at in life has something of a relationship to one's dating life. I think I could have used it, or more direction in college. I don't know though.

There was this nice girl the last few years that was into me giving me signs that I should be with, 27, climbing partner but fd up. I was chasing another. I was stupid. Now she's dating another.. not that different from me. I bring her up just now only because ... it just clicked with me yesterday.. I think her dad is like me with autism or aspergers. Her mom is the talkative one. He always just stands there quiet but present.. and he's even an engineer. I wonder if this programmed her to like people like me. I fkd that up. There are more but if I'm going to be married and have kids I have to stop fucking things up sooo badly. I have more than earned it. I wanna beat down anything or anyone that gets in my way (metaphorically of course). I want to escalate with 'her' (whoever) the rationality out of her mind, because rationality in women is the enemy. I do like them, as people, but their minds and logical thought processes are their own worst enemy and mine. Almost never does any man align. She'll say she had a nice time, and she did, but her mind will talk her out of even the best man, for one who gives her tingles. Shame on me for not seeing it or being weak, and on my dad for not knowing and teaching it and on everyone and everything that led me astray, including parts of my own psyche but that has to be the way, being strong in my needs and rights as a man, the right to give women feelings. I'm well aware of the hypocrisy, that we can't talk about how the world actually works, out there. The need for safe spaces is real.. and ideally i wouldn't need to talk. I've never hurt anybody and never will but people get scared, by words and misunderstandings, because that's how they're wired out there. Gotta give them feelings and I think that is pretty much ONLY done through touch, or only done in a cemented lasting way. No touch, no cementing of feelings = windows close and you're cast out and it's all awkwardness and regret from there out. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I have no clue what I'm talking about.

 

[archimedes]

I'm aspie. I'm sure of it. Gonna take a test soon. I think that's a But For factor. But for it, I'd be married with kids.
But there are other factors.
- I've also been hyper moral- hyper conscientious at times. This has reduced my getting laid at least a few times.
- BTW I'm also introvert INTP per the tests. I also scored 95% in open mindedness, and I made mensa. Not saying these things are only liabilities but they are extreme traits.
- I'm well read and well traveled so cultural norms are even less respected, or I have tasted good things. I know too much so I compare, and get bored more easily or see the plot more easily.. I guess.. though I can also slow down at times.
- Bitterness and resentment? I am 42. I had chances with a lot of women in the past that I missed. I had a weak dad and an unhappy cold but intelligent mother. A lot of people have that but maybe it makes it worse.
- General loneliness that creates an echo chamber. This is transient.. but in the moment it produces a lot of bad effects, like too many texts, posts, etc. That's where I am now. When I had community- first skydiving and then young adults at church-- it made a huge different. A HUGE difference. Community is Best. I wish I could have been part of the college ballroom dance community. I've been accepted by them (and they are great) when I see them at events.
- General fears -- not excessive paranoia per se but wanting to manage what you say to people- a desire for privacy as more privacy can only be better than less, all else equal. Having said too much, offline or online can impair your bid for presidency of a company or whatever.
- low key guilt about doing pick up stuff or have others know it. This has always existed but is not always active.. but it's always there ready to pop up. Consciously I don't think it's bad
- have a hard time accepting new norms of operation.. society seems too degenerate sometimes, not in a harsh condemning way but just lower standards of conduct.. and I don't comport and it causes issue
- so much more. one thing i was gonna say but forgot. placeholder for other blockers

It's just the cluster of things I want to share. Maybe they are not all independent events. Maybe they are dependent and are often seen together. Either way those things are so.

I have mind blindness but I also have norm-disrespect. Arrogance maybe. I wonder what Schopenhauer was like. I want to be greater than these. I don't want to follow any guy. they wouldn't want followers.

Quote from an article:

Why would a woman become romantically involved with a man who has Asperger’s?


Initially, a woman may admire the man’s intelligence, knowledge, good manners, old-fashioned sensibilities, unconventional charm, child-like qualities, and his practical, rational way of looking at the world. He may have a good job, often as an engineer or in an IT-related field, such as computer programming.

OMG She just described me to a T, especially in the bold.

I also think a few more things about Aspergers, in my brief study of it.
1. I think it can be created by life events.. such as not having a gf at early times. Not all development comes from the first 7 years and your parents. Your peers and even the period of your 20s and 30s also plays a role. It changes the brain. And it can be fixed. Brains are plastic and therefore so are minds.. but it requires getting what you didn't have.. warm love etc. There is the Matthew Effect to work against.. so you have to bootstrap. "But for not having a gf or more sex, I wouldn't have AS" you could say. In this I may kinda disagree with mainstream
2. I think one of the events above.. can actually be just studying the sciences, or trying to be a master at anything. Pursuing mastery at your craft can make you self absorbed and oblivious to other more personal things. It can be even harder when you're studying things that get you in your head and use a lot of computational resources-- studying probability and linear algebra and tech, as I was doing recently. It puts you in your head. Men already context switch worse than women.. if you want to ride both horses, you have to switch really well.. so I think studying math and engineering and technical stuff can drive AS type symptoms, or maybe even Asperger's itself as such. My tragic flaw, my hamartia may be ambition to know and understand and learn.
3. A lot of the "bad" traits may come from modelling people..for whatever reason. People in the past once told me I talk like a professor. I didn't get it. I didn't think I was. I really try to fit the language to my context, especially in speech. Writing things is kinda different. I try to have a flair. But anyway if we read books that were fancy or articulate, we might try model using the best word. I remember reading the blog of Heartiste and he used words nice and fancy. I wonder if he was AS. In other words, sometimes we may be doing things, or have developed a habit of doing things, because we are modelling others we like, or we value knowledge, culture, etc. Not to be arrogant or manipulative, but I want to elevate the culture by dropping references, and be more entertaining..give something for everybody- but I do not mean to be condescending. that's why I get mad when I get judged. Usually I get silently judged and I don't think that is fair. that's passive aggressive. I'm in MN and they are passive aggressive here and passive. They drive so slow. They follow all the rules to a T. They are a rules culture. They stop COMPLETELY at stop signs when there are no cars in sight.

If they dindn't want us to be a certain way, why did they assign us those books to read, those classic works, etc? I was just trying to complete the assignment. School is kind of a joke because not everyone really needs it and they don't really expect you to learn the stuff or retain it-- but some where along the line, because I'm smart, I decided to knowledge max. Ironically before I decided this I think I did better with people. I think I could still love people and give orgasms and give empathy... but.. just my karma. my loneliness and all things combined put me in a temporary trap.

I could get out of it in two ways. I could get the wife and have kids and be monogamous. that would be great with the right person. 7 kids with a person is better than multiple LTRs with no kids.. FOR ME. I mean that's the ultimate whole point of sex drive, right? BUT I could also get out of it with dating multiple people and fulfill my missing needs and regrets. I would like this and there are advantages to this too.. and maybe risks.. of falling down a level of conduct.. and reputation. Not necessarily- I think I can have my cake and eat it too.. if I'm smart.. but there's a risk. OR.. I could fail to get either. That would suck... but I had a lot of interest I never acted on.. that come as part of cycles of life. If I just act next time and date someone without worrying if she's marriage material.. that might help...

 

[archimedes]

One more post, another day another destiny. Again with the Les Mis lol. I have some thoughts and ideas to put out there (I know nobody is reading and nobody cares and I don't need them to). I'm feeling kinda normal-sad but chill. In the evenings I get to read and relax, no more events like I used to have, and learn about the universe, and think, and try to solve my psychological problems, my repressions, more on that later. During the day, I was working from home. Got an easy job, pays too well for the amount of work required, but still it has its moments and it's dull. It's becoming dull and it doesn't give me the meaning I need to suffer like that-- but it's better than being broke or homeless, so what can you do? I need meaning. I always thought I'd be a great father and have wanted to be.. that's probably where the meaning is supposed to come, but the involuntary crap.. or the conditional involuntary singleness etc. I'm not bitter whiner. I'm aiming for clear mindedness and it's actually kind of clear in a way. I have new theories and ideas.

First of all that comment on aspergers opened up a new road for me. I've been reading a lot about it. I've learned a thing or two, ordered many books, have ideas and emerging opinions on things related. One facebook group bans that word aspergers. I didn't realize I walked into a minefield and people are so touchy. I think I am aspie. It explains a lot.

I was thinking just tonight about repression though, sexual repression. It takes many forms. Any kind of repression does. Some of it is external but much is internal- emotional conflict, barriers. For instance, I want to have more sex and love and romance- three different things but I say yes to all of them.. but I don't want to invest the time to get them. I have important and interesting things to do and a part of me thinks investing the time with a girl would be that time wasted. Maybe that's just from my experience. Maybe that's an ill trained brain. I wrote a post on the autistic FB group called 'the well trained brain' that I thought was good but it got declined. I thought autists would at least appreciate depth ideas. Anyway maybe I don't want to invest time with a particular girl that I could get with because life has trained me that it is a waste of time that doesn't lead anywhere. I don't know. It's a maybe. File that as maybe.. but the other interesting thing is I want to hook up with and have romance and sex with girls but I don't want to hook up with any that I can't get to know, that want to just jump in the sack. I need to invest time with them, getting to know them, and I want women who are traditional, who need that. You see, I realized there's a contradiction in me. Contradictions are natural. There can be multiple parts in your psyche, or there can be multiple reasons in reality why one thing is good in some ways and it's opposite is good in other ways.. but this particular contradiction doesn't make for good loving. Now I would take some beautiful women up on the offer to instantly sleep with them or have romance, but let's be honest that's not gonna happen soon and that's a limited special case, even if it did happen. The best is when things just click. I never expected the magic of things 'just happening' when a man does nothing, even though that's actually how I got with most of my girls of the past.

I don't like being invested.
But I don't like not being invested and committed to anything.. a contradiction.

I guess.. kisses.. what's the deal with a kiss? It seems girly to talk about kissing. When I was younger I'd be more passionate about that but now I'm talking about it from a different perspective-- a thing you have to give girls.. so they catch feels. I think it is an important crossroads.. she has some drama and excitement and something to tell her girlfriends about... so it's something I have to do (not that I wouldn't enjoy it) but also I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I don't want anything to be a big deal- approaching girls, escalating etc. I don't want to get emotionally hooked. I want them to be hooked, or if they don't get hooked, then be on the same wavelength, with well mannered classy ladies that have some level of dependability and respect.


You have to escalate I guess and it has to be properly timed or sequenced. I see it now. You can't go too fast but the risk of that is probably less than going too slow. You can't just return to a girl realizing you like her and then try to escalate. That's never worked for me. This is probably my autism or whatever but I'm in my own head about my reality. I always ask "why not"? Why is there such a rule you can't do this or that? Rules schmools, rules for fools.

Many things can be repressive, sexually or otherwise.. and I want to expand and explore and parse this concept in the coming days. There is tension stress, as I described above. There is also just distraction. I've read about crazy autistic-like people like Henry Cavendish, who was an amazing man who created the science we use and is almost unheard of. I admire and respect him but also people like Casanova-- the ladies man and socialite. The problem is.. how can you bend two bows at once? I want to live and excel in BOTH worlds.. and it's not easy.

I want freedom, and meaning.. and love and sex. Duh, who doesn't.. but I mean I want to make that happen. i want to find the combination, release the brakes, etc. Seems Elon is quoted as saying "If I'm not in love, if I'm not with a long term companion, I cannot be happy." "Going to sleep alone kills me". Well la die da. I like his honesty and I didn't know he thought this way. That quote was like a little dagger in me.. well a little one. I want mine lol. What's stopping me? That's a good question to ask yourself really- what's stopping this person? The answer is usually- it's complicated, but then start differentiating.

I don't believe in free will. I'm a determinist but there is a layer between the external and the behavioral that I call the internal intermediate. It is the layer of the self, the layer that is 'alive' and you see as you. It is your mindset, your attitude, your memory, your 'well trained brain'. It is your will in fact, and things that make it up, but it is not free. That's the difference, but it is a living will. Even though it's internal and internal things can theoretically change quickly, and you can change your mindset, it is otherwise relatively stable, so you can depend on it in yourself and in others. This is where programming kicks in as well as trauma. In fact the word 'dimensions' keep popping up- in my study of machine learning and linear algebra, in personality and in data warehousing, and elsewhere. I created an abstract personality model. It is simply a vector or list of traits as measured, each one representing a dimension. You pick what you think belongs. Each of the MBTI represent a dimension. You can squash that into one dimension if you like, with 16 values. I guess when they combine in different combinations, emergent properties emerge that aren't in the individual items. Other dimensions can be attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, anxious avoidant, and secure, or 0-3), as well as trauma/abuse (scale of real numbers between 0 and 1, autistic or not [0-1] as well, and anything you want there in that vector. That vector can then tell a lot in a summary way about a person as long as we are doing that kind of thing. It can't tell everything obviously, but in the age of AI it makes one wonder, if there were 516 dimensions, how much could it tell us? Probably heck of a lot and this jives with my determinism. Given enough dimensions, it's these values in some ways that make us do things in response to stimuli. Oh and also it should be said that not all dimensions need be independent. I'm sure some will overlap. Introversion may correlate with Aspergers.. or not.. but it is noted that there may not be perfect independence, even though that would be the ideal.

The vector may look like this P = [MBTI, AttachmentStyle, Traumtized?,Spectrum, ... etc etc etc]

But anyway life is in the dimensions. Behavior is in the dimensions. That's all neither here nor there. it might be off topic but I find it interesting.

But.. life is good when you're not sexually repressed. I think that's the norm. I don't think it's good. Time has to be spent getting unrepressed. This is important and serious. Fantasy is not enough. Repression has to be seen as an enemy. Repression I think historically was usually something forced, externally, and if not, you'd live free. I think we internalize things and become our own jailors. This is kind of serious. If we are willing to self suppress our behavior, we should be paid for it, and only do it for a time, for critical things- like being well mannered in the work place, but we should arrange our lives so that we are fulfilled. It's a sad life when you don't get your dreams and desires to come true, when you lose at love.. and sex. Two different things, both great.

I live in a nice quiet place, central but tucked away. My place is becoming a library. I might be soon getting two more properties- whooop whoop. Tongue in cheek. There's risk but there's also freedom.

Women are repressed too. I just read in How to Text a Girl by Chase that women often won't respond because they're nervous. I tell ya if it ain't one thing it's another-- and there's so much on our shoulders these days, us men. it makes sense why the rich get richer at love- the Matthew Effect.. you have to be either just in the zone naturally or be an engineer, because what guy wouldn't stumble at this mistake and confusion. Wait she doesn't text me back because she likes/liked me more?! It's an engineers and gamers world.. if they can crack the code... because things are complex.. because there is no community where you'd get to know people organically.. and yada yada... the modern world.. yada yada. Women are people too. It's hard to see that because they don't like giving feedback, and they like being secretive. I honestly always thought I could understand women and understand them deeply, particular women deeply, I had and have a gift-- but only when they open up. I can tell when they're closed and that's usually what they are, but I realize or have found it is also the case with their girlfriends. It is not cruel or guarded behavior to me or to men - it's their natural way and I saw it in my sister when she visited. Ug they are fearful and closed. I can deal with one or the other but that combination makes it hard to love or like them. So... lacking explicit communication on their feelings, or any kind of feedback and signalling, it falls back to cultural and social norms, and mind reading, the two things autists are terrible at. Maybe they're ok at norms but i'm not. I don't always respect them, they're arbitrary and always changing, and dating norms take a long time to learn and a lot of experience. I don't like arbitrary limiting rules like speed limits but i'm a man of respect and I will leave the shop at our before closing time out of respect but rules and norms are the thing now and mind reading and that's what it comes to be about. The fairer sex is fragile. I can't love them or treat them well if they're not open- plus I have my own trauma or cynicism or whatever you want to call it, my trained brain.

But other times I feel good. The feelings at any given moment determine everything, but what is behind them?

There's so much complexity but I don't think the game has to be complex. Maybe if I just focused on non repression and on eye contact for a month and did amazing eye contact, that would change my life. I think I don't always do enough eye contact. I am a believer that while there are so many barriers and walls in today's society there are always ways through and around them, somehow and it's also as always a time of opportunity- if one can be free.


Power. Specifically the kind that comes from an unrepressed personality. This is necessary. It's the difference between a man who watches p-rn and one who makes it - for home use. Most is utter crap though. Srlsly why is everything about step brother step sister, and they go strait to bj and all that. If you've seen 1 you've seen 99%.Very few are psychological or engaging in any way. In many ways certain still pictures are better because things are still left to your imagination, but the real world is the best and the man should be living this in his daily life. I guess most unmarried people are sexless past a certain age, or out of relationships. most hooking up happens in relationships-- i'm told by the youtubers. I'm also sure there are notable exceptions- such men as frequent these parts, as well as people like ravers, college students etc.

I know it's just a fantasy but my heart is in Montreal. I was only there for a few days, and for the first time but I've built it up as this place that's free and awesome. One cute girl did look at me and give me eye contact as I was coming down from Mount Royal. I smiled and it made me very happy but 5 minutes later I regretted not going to talk to her. Could have created a montreal connection- or could have gotten her text and texted for a while trying to create a connection, only to stall out and have it die like a lot of the others. I wasn't afraid to approach. I've done a lot of scary approaches in my life. That's not what's stopping me but the feeling they'll be a waste of time. I'm afraid of succeeding at opening only to -- the ill trained brain.. but that's not what happened in this case. In this case I was happy and just kept going down happy.. until I imagined the alternative when it was too late. This is a good metaphor or analogy for a lot of other things.. I didn't escalate with someone because I didn't need to, I was happy with the things currently even though I found them attractive.. but then in the future i regretted it. I need to default to pursue. Women have desires too, and clocks too. Women are people too. We always fall back to our defaults, so if you want a changed behavior, change your defaults, somehow.

I've been running into this girl i used to know and have a crush on. She wants to hang out. The problem is she's gotten chubby.. and i'm less attracted and she also goes up and talks to people on the street I normally wouldn't. that's fine to a point. And she sometimes asks me for money, which I don't give. I'm scared-- of bad associations. I try control that and my reputation. I'm maybe on the paranoid end, and I think she's been with a lot of partners, and I think she did seeking arrangements.. so I probably want to avoid her but it's no struggle now that she's chubby, but if she lost weight.. who knows. I want to be sexual but also not a guy sl-t. I want to have standards, but I see her and she's a nice person and affectionate and that feels nice. I'm not conflicted or asking for advice, just thought I'd share.


She's warm to me but I think women in general expect a certain set of predetermined stereotypical behaviors from men to move forward.. and they want to classify men into one of several types,and for me I don't know the code and probably wouldn't want to follow it if I did. Maybe i need humility and patience but unless they are aspie themselves maybe, they don't like this, it confuses them and they default to distance even if they were initially warm- and this trains my brain. The ill-trained brain again. In being that way too, stereotype seekers, they make themselves into objects in my mind, less human, and exploitable by someone who knows the code. I guess it's a pool I just never jumped into. I'm spontaneous. I want to be smart, wise, well trained in the arts, but also spontaneous. Not stereotypical. I like to surprise myself. I am pacino in scent of a woman. At least I identified with him, with that one character, and not his others, at age 14 or so, very strongly. So much misunderstanding. I need perhaps to be humble and patient. I need also to be less repressed. Maybe they want the authentic self but they sense repression. Everyone likes people who are not repressed. I need to look into the mechanics of this. Often it is me that pushes others away, if not in the past then now with judgement and with turning away or retreating.

But like any man I want faces looking up at me with those eyes. I want those legs in the V for Victory pose. I want all of that.. and love. I am different but I want the same things. I don't want to have to talk about it. Let's be honest struggle sucks. I've learned to stoically tolerate struggles but that's kind of a lie. Stoicism is kind of a lie unless you need it for temporary reasons. It's not a long term solution. It's just cutting the alarm wires that something's wrong and then you end up normalizing pathology and getting numb until something like Elon Musk's quote shocks you into temporary consciousness.Yes Elon, I want and feel the same as you do, I just don't get what you get, and I know it doesn't have to do with your money or success. it's other stuff, but.. speaking of --there is no free will but I have a mind that could have done just as much, and a heart too but for early influences. As Dan Pena says 'you weren't programmed to be successful'. What he could go on to say is you were programmed to be workers, servants, serfs, asexual, sexually repressed, repressed in ambition, fearing hellfire and installed with contradictions. I've overcome are lot of that and I've updated to a decent set of conscious beliefs, and I can ask for what I want.. a lot but they don't result in a trained brain automatically.. and a lot of the meek that I know in church and elsewhere.. they are actually doing right, to the degree they fit in. They're happy go lucky and marry up. It's like I'm in the middle, the no man's land. As Van says 'too late to stop now'.

I need to meet more people. I hate the idea of dumping time into this game but the first step is getting where there's a flow of people. I need to fix myself up better, heal myself, unrepress and understand myself better, which I'm done, and I need to meet people, and then if I have done the first part well, healing myself, I can maybe get hookups or love and relationships and marriage and kids or even kids without marriage (the scandal!) and success will undoubtedly involve better escalation and physical touch. I think there should maybe perhaps always be a slight but constant leaning sexual pressure, where she senses some sexual desire at all times, and some light forcefulness in that direction, lest there is any slack in the line ever and things go south-- and not in a good way. Maybe that's true but nothing will happen if I'm not meeting people, an abundance of people. I'm a FN attractive guy- so everyone tells me.. but I guess that's the norm too. Not all involuntaries are ugly basement dwellers. I know this is true, so I don't have to feel special- only identify causes and cures. I guess.. take what you can get and keep 'em satisfied so you're never without. That was an error i made..

Things could have snowballed a lot different in life even given my uprbringing. The Matthew effect could have been amazing, I think. I've been afraid of certain risks, and thus have paid a bigger penalty, but now it is different. I want.. but don't want to waste so much time chasing. I want clarity-mental clarity, "personal power"- whatever that is, financial freedom. No one gives you these things-- clarity or freedom. You have to work and fight for them in an indifferent and sometimes hostile world.. so you can get on track and leverage the Matthew effect, but if I don't have anything else, why can't I at least have mental clarity? What's up with that?

Who are we performing for, even when no one is around watching? Ever think about that? it's weird. Why aren't we more free? Autonomous and powerful? Many reasons, many microcauses I suppose, the world fixing to train our brains and us being too tired and stressed to fight back so we get our ego boosts and our glory where we can, and take our pride, in the little coin we've earned or whatever, but it's not freedom. It's not a cope it's a compromise, it's a settling but wife and kids and good sex life and charm-- how can a man live without that? I still like my time for learning and study and property management AND i want sex and kids. I kinda wanna be like both Cavendish and Casanova. I can get lost in Cavendish for days but I need to take Casanova seriously. It's not as if I don't have those desires. They are buried if not repressed. Can anyone tell the difference between something buried and repressed and both are at play in me, so where is there my best hope? Where do I need to put my attention. Like that AI paper: "Attention is all you need"

Ideally- and I"m not saying this because I'm idolizing him. I actually know quite little of him but my ideal days would probably be like Elon Musk's. Daily discoveries and leadership and study, and nightly love. I didn't even know he has and always had this side to him. He's rocking me on both fronts and it sucks but that would be my ideal life. I have a developed sexual life in my mind. It needs to be actualized. That is the issue..but like him I think I'm also allergic to bs in this world so how does he do it? He has a fearlessness of being open that I think I lack but we are similar in some ways too. I wouldn't have thought women would have found him attractive. I thought they'd have written him off as a nerd or a stutterer. I don't get it. I have to get it. My life and future depends on it and I don't want to meet someone, even someone awesome, only to get married and divorced- although I have this belief people would love me when they know me and see how amazing I am. It's important I figure this all out though. My ideal life would include the mix of work and learning and then loving and sex with loyal women, a loyal woman. I don't want to compromise on either part.

 

[archimedes]

I'm really pissed off right now.. but in a way that can be useful potentially. I gotta get this out, get this recorded (not just vent, even though I'll probably never look back at this)

What happened was both minor and major. It's important to neither overblow things but also not minimize. It's also part of my life pattern and much context will be explained here.

My autism is just a mode. It's a mode I'm in a lot but it's just a mode. There are two dimensions to life, at least where “success” can be measured - career and love, and I've found the two have virtually nothing in common, and if you're not careful you can sacrifice the one for the other. This is what I've found in my 42 years.

I went to check out a dance studio. I was totally into it at one point but I slowly lost interest. Really, like so many things in ways I probably don't realize, it wasn't me that changed but the environment, the vibe. 2016-2019, especially 16 and 17, the vibe was really great at studio A. The people were great and it felt classy but covid, new owners, changes in crowd and venue, and I've lost interest. Subtle things make it amazing. I checked out studio B today, not remembering it as anything special and it was amazing. All the subtle things, from the color of the floor and walls (darker black walls lighter colored hardwood floor), good layout, decor, AND people. It had more younger people, and classier older people who were also fun to dance with, and good instructors. Why do I always question myself rather than blame the environment and people? It really is usually that. This is the essence of my over-responsibility. It has produced a lot of growth in me and I've discovered many things but sometimes it is just other people. Things are hard because I'm not 'meeting' enough good people, naturally. Partly there's not enough numbers, which puts pressure and I desere better.

I go to a Viennese waltz intermediate class. There are twice as many leads as follows (important). The place is great so I'm vibing well. I'm in my social mode. This is why I think I might not be autistic unless I want to be, but keep reading. Maybe I just don't give a sh-t about people who don't give a sh-t about me.

I am being social and alert. One thing I think, which may make me mind blind, is that I'm not aware how much people are able to read vibe and facial expressions. That always surprises me. How I feel- even in VERY subtle ways, or what I express on my face, even in VERY SUBTLE ways, seems to make a huge difference, and I don't know how they can read me that well but apparently people can. I was giving all I could. I enjoyed the people of the group, the space, everything. He was a good instructor I learned 3 new helpful things in just half hour.

I see this one girl, she's my type 5'10 long brown hair glasses, friendly. Super friendly to me. Super happy to see me. I'm feeling things. I'm feeling love in my heart. You have to understand I'm really bitter and frustrated about the past but I'm willing to throw that all aside, overboard when I finally can meet and have love with someone. I'm not a fool. I know nothing is in the bag. I have to be cool enough and also brave enough- but I'm gonna try be confident, vibe, do more touching. I have genuine hope and pleasure. With twice as many follows, she sure finds herself dancing with me far more than expected (because the follows are supposed to rotate).

The last time I ask her how long she's been dancing. We had made eye contact and I held it as much as I could. I'm not trying to be boring but deepen connection. She said "we've come for a year".

Excuse me? I was going to ask who is we. Literally if I had 2 more seconds, but the leader called us to change. I should have asked anyway but it was right like a movie, where they're about to say something but then switch or distraction. I never got the answer but I was 80% sure just off that it must be some douchbag.

I see her with the guy the whole night.

And I never danced with her again. I never chased her or stared at her or asked her to dance. I did my own thing. I have my pride too. I was genuinely confused, shocked and hurt but I try to appear strong, especially in public. I hate this shit so hard, but I never chased her or stared at her yet I noticed after the lesson, there was a practice party, an hour long mixed dance party and she was always on the other side as I was. Coincidence? Maybe but I'm too old to believe in that.

Who the f are women? They read such subtle vibes or whatever? It's a minor thing in the scheme of things but it's a pattern and if I'm being honest I hope she suffers. I wish I could have made her feel real psychological pain. Probably the opposite will happen, I carry a burden and she has love and joy in her life, but I hope they suffer, both. I have a right to feel that way. It's not pathological. It's pathological to be a b-tch and take all the Ls. I don't have the answers. Thee answer is not freaking out either or acting out but what is the answer. I realized a couple things


I was not being aspie, and I still danced with a lot of people, other attractive girls, and older classy ladies, but no girls as attractive as she was to me, plus I spent my capital. I kind of (I think) only have capital for one of these such experiences in a night or for a while. I kind of have to grieve-recover.. and of course I want to win at love but I do not want seconds. I'm usually done for the night. I want to make them suffer emotionally somehow, but I have no way to achieve that. What makes people think they can manipulate others like that or have no manners or soul? I did nothing wrong. I never do anything wrong. Life opened a window, let me peer inside and took it away.

I was not aspie before but afterwards I was changed, even though I put on a social mask. Afterwards I started "masking". But I sat in the chair a while, legs sprawled, playing slowly with my winter had, twisting it around on the table looking at the dance floor in front of me. I did have some thoughts, some philosophical thoughts

Slavery is living other people's expectations. You get hooked because they start small. They ask you how you are- as if they have a right to know and a right to ask. Psychological and Pyschophysiological slavery- it manifests in body language, and body frame. I don't want to be a 'boss' in title or anything for my ego. I want to have 'boss energy' because it works. It cuts through bullshit like a chainsaw but it's not easy to maintain and you have to have a purpose for where you're at. It requires some edge. There are two modes, and I've been in the other mode- solitude and study and I love my books and learning. I can just stay there and be at peace, and masturbate every night. That's not the life I want. I want to get out there, but I don't want to get smacked. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing in your eyes but I don't feel that way. I have to respect my self. If I don't respect my self what have I got.

I thought of all the game teachers or dating coaches, there may be two styles or systems. Not direct vs indirect. More like mastery versus monkey dancer at worst or odds increaser at best. See I found there's a psycho-sexual slavery, that i was put in, in a way. Know your place. The older ladies ask me to dance- that's cool but am I just to serve everybody and make EVERYBODY ELSE feel good when I never get mine, at other people's call? Usury and betrayal. But there was this tall black woman who seemed cool. Not romantically interested but she seemed cool. She walked by and then I had another thought... there are some people you can have an honest conversation with, because there's no tension, there's no burden. It's a good feeling. I coudl have talked to her. She might have been aspie too. Her shirt and demeanor suggested maybe but I felt like I could have an honest convo with her even when I was feeling like sh-t. You don't have to have this ability with anyone. Like on a date, I'm not saying you need it. Maybe you do but I can see where you don't, where you do have to carry an act or play a role to a degree, and increase sexual tension. The man's job is to not share every dirty secret or feeling.. but still so many people, I don't want to talk to because I can't have an honest conversation with them. They don't get it, and it's not an autism thing or anything. I think they just can't put two and two together.

But I felt repressed- sexually and psychologically, oh and I have to say this. The thing about incels.. it's really more involuntary single, but keep reading, you'll be surprised. I think a lot of them are actually conventionally attractive and intelligent and succesful, not like the stereotype but that's not my point either. It's the frustration of psycho-sexual prison or the feeling of being repressed or whatever, but the thing about that is it has a sexual or sexuality component but it's not even that. Sex is good, sex is great but you don't need sex to feel good, psychologically. You can be high energy, high enthusiasm, connection and feel great in yourself and not feel any lack. I was feeling that at the beginning of the night. Emotions make you feel betrayed. Incel is such a bad term because it is not about sex, it is about emotion and relationship and respect AND they are not the stereotyped losers. The prison is real though, where you feel betrayed or used and only serving others.

So the two dating coaching styles- if type II exists - I'm not even sure it exists but let's see, you can let me know. Type 1 might be good with women, they might be successful at helping others get good with women, but they don't understand it all at the deepest level, the power dynamic and their advice is at base ways to increase the odds. They might have a formula or an algorithm of stages like mystery or they might not. They cheer you on. I find this type more feminine and not good enough, and I'm getting more and more turned off by it. It's full of 'insights', random insights and even clusters of good insights. The other type is where some switch can get flipped in you and you're no longer a bitch loser. You're no longer kissing ass or whatever. Something has flipped. I don't know how to get to this state. Maybe if I get a girlfriend and start getting more sex this will happen naturally but i feel like people are guarding against that and it can't be with someone I'm settling with... but I mean maybe it's just a dynamic that arises when you're winning, and never when you're losing. Maybe it's just a function of winning, but I know too many people in relationships, who don't have the power. The truth is when it comes to love, I don't even want power. Yeah I want to lead or be a man but I want us to be a team against the world I guess and never turn our power on each other. The one who can walk away has the most power. True true but I don't want that kind of sick power. Hmm. Maybe I was stupid for not. I Don't know. I don't think I was stupid. I think I live in a sick society and most people aren't worthy of me but that doesn't make me feel better. I want to live in a society where there is an abundance of awesome people. That would make me feel good.

I'm starting to think a lot of women have pride. Too much pride. If so, then what does one do about it? But that's not gonna change. I just don't want to be in this prison. Used and dicked around. The prison extends out to society - language policing on the internet, drive the super slow speed limit like a good little boy. All this stuff is very frustrating. When people ask you how are you, say "good, how are you" like a good little boy. Maybe I am aspie or maybe people just aren't worth my time. And I'm not an ego maniac. I'm just an honest humble man, a servant of the lord or humanity, who has not got his reward.

I think the two modes of being can take away from each other. Monk mode they call the one. I think I had plenty of chances and missed my opportunities. I am bitter but I'm ready to throw that overboard. I think society has also become more asinine with norms and bs, but there are still plenty of good people out there, but I'm getting older and they play games like this one did. I'm not perfect but I go into things with good faith. All these environments start getting poisoned.

I need more strength, and leverage. I was touching people more. Having dance frame is not the same as touching. I kid you not I danced with this girl, and we spoke a bit afterward and we were about to part and I touched her arm and she turned back at me and said "what's your name", as if my touch switched something in her. Invest in this guy or whatever. It was funny actually. The only question is "are they conscious of it"? Like is she thinking "oh he's a toucher, he's not afraid to get physical, he might be a good lover" or is it completely emotional and unconscious. It was so subtle but I caught it and it was so funny. But for many things I'd be married to a good woman with kids by now. One of those things is more touching over the last 10 years.

Monk mode is fun.. it truly is an dis rewarding in a way, but it doesn't get you anywhere.. but you spent your emotional capital. Oh another thing, so many gurus or dating guys, they show photos of their successes. I'm thinking of Dan Bacon now of modern man, but others. They show pictures with girls. I'm not judging them, they're happy but I wouldn't consider them successes. I have a certain type. I'm a man for sure with a male brain. I think like Simon Baron Cohen I have the extreme male brain type of autism and I like woman but I also hate porn because if you've seen 1 you've seen 99%. There's no depth or psychology, just women going straight to bj. What's the big deal about step-siblings? And The mind control porn is equally over the top. It's just not good. It's just all the same. I don't want to just sleep with anything that moves. In some ways I have a mind more like a woman.. but I am probably also more systematizing, and less empathizing, another Simon Baron Cohen's ideas or theories of autism.


But if you get me out of my shell, I can be social. I could even be a leader, the leader, but I have to be motivated to invest. If some other guy takes over that I don't like, I'm out. I don't want to be so monk, and I don't want to just be a silent sigma in society lurking. I want to have what that other guy had earlier. I want some connection, love and respect. They say it is built with time. Sure it is and I have put in so much time in days of yore. I never studied it and I don't think I'd like the guy but the reason they came up with concepts like speed seduction and fast seduction I think was not because we're all in a hurry desperate to get laid but speed works- at filtering and cutting out bullshit fakers, and from stalling. Women need sex too, and looking for it and signals. They are the ultimate fakers and pretenders. Sure it might not be safe for them to express it. Empathize with them all you want but they also play dumb a lot, or pretend to lack any desires. This makes them very hard to relate to. A good movie- a great and quirky movie is Zardoz, with Sean Connery. I remember he went to kiss these girls who were like zombies, and it made him really angry they were not responsive. He threw one down on the mattress. His anger actually elicited a tiny response in them. I feel like him. Women are probably intelligent, have their own specific desires and sexuality. I know they are all these things but they fake it way more than necessary. They go out of their way to convince you all of these things are not true, and then get mad at the internet when they are not acknowledged. They don't even hint. I know they're indirect but they hardly even hint... but keep in mind this is a guy who hasn't been in a relationship for a long time. But I've had friendships.

Women want friendships.. with men. I didn't realize how bad women want and like friendships. It's NOT just a man gets friend-zoned because he has high and delusional hopes. Sometimes probably sure, but this is asymmetric I finally realize- the women LOVE having male friends. I did not realize that. What else was this girl doing today? She was hunting down a new male friend but using the promise of romance and sex to get it. Sorry not sex. Love and connection. I wasn't creepy, so it can only be when she realized I wasn't that type of guy to roll over, she didn't need anything from me anymore.

I am fair. I am the most fair guy ever... including to myself. I've been hurt and I'm bitter but I'm still fair. Maybe that is my pride. I've hurt others but not on purpose and if I could make it up I would. There are all these killers with manifestos. Makes one scared to post how one feels online but if you want to know my manifesto, I have a manifesto. People of the world, women, men, be honest and fair to one another. Take responsibility for your actions, but don't take over-responsibility, responsibility for others actions and feelings. You have a right to your needs being met, your feelings, even if they are un-PC but so do others. You have a right to want other people to hurt emotionally, who have hurt you, but no physical violence or terrorizing. You have a right to the best life and that is the best revenge. How's that for a manifesto. I do not condone violence. I can completely align with kurt cobain on his sense of justice. At the same time, we have our needs. We do not owe anyone anything, not love not respect when it is not returned or reciprocated.

It felt like life issues a decree, "you will not get what you want" in the realm of love.. and it lets me think I will for a time. It was never even close to a sure thing but it was a promise, until it revealed itself to be a lie. I wasn't reading into things. She was sending signals but they were bullshit. Then the numbers are never right, where there's a natural enough abundance so everything is always a struggle and I hate it. In a legal, moral and ethical way, I need 'taking power'. The power to take. A manself controlled and self possessed, who ceases to be anyone's fool, and when something good goes by him he can take it if it wills to be taken. My father is the farthest thing from that. I use that title because calling him 'dad' feels self-demeaning. Men in my life are not the best. I have successful friends, in businesses and married, but they don't know. They just get to live a more normal life I guess. they are not cursed like I am. If I am cursed, what is the course. What is the point of this course I'm to run? (Something for the etymologists).

The world decrees I will not have, not this time. The world is abusive. I am so willing and so able to give so much, but it has to be someone I want. No sloppy seconds.. and a lot of the women my type on the surface seem to have a lot of narcissistic pride. Like "They were supposed to be the nice girls". The numbers aren't there. I found a new dance studio. That's great but I need to meet more people. In all my pain I still don't want to hurt others - i.e. women that didn't do anything to deserve it. I don't want to displace my anger. I want to be respected and admired and too big to fail. Elon proved you can succeed and succeed wildly in both modes. I'm "starting" to succeed at life in one knock on wood. I need to start succeeding at the other. I'm studying this stuff too, Chases writings, other stuff.. along with my technical and mathy nonfiction stuff.. and it's good but I don't want to delude myself. Little things help, they snowball, they tip the scales, but you also have to know what the real problem is and fix the real problems, not secondary things before you get real solutions. Life controls me to too great an extent, my day job, other things.. I keep getting sent in patterns and cycles. I need to break free and be my own 'boss' in every sense. My rental units are soon going to double in number (and I love serving tenants because it is a different kind of relationship than day job boss), but that alone won't make me free. I still have to digest this acquisition. But no it is important to be free, and connected, and successful, and when things are stuck and not moving, finding leverage. Elon proved you can be successful in both areas, and he's aspie I'm sure, and he didn't have to read these books. I don't get it, why do some people have magic- and I don't think it's the money. The fame maybe but not the money but is it even that?

Other people can still get in my head, and control my time, and call me here, and call me there, and I don't like that. And torment me romantically or make me bitter and jaded. I will not get numb. I will stay open, for the sake of those who are real, and for my own sake but I need more skills and insight to avoid them messing with me. They are always good at escaping consequence, which I despise. Cowardly losers. Women don't even have a sense of honor, I'm told. They don't have any feeling for it. Is that true? What should I do, what can I do, how can I safely and effectively win at love.. and it's offshoots, connection, relationship and family? Why am I, among all my friends, family, peers the one to pay for everything and carry the burden of others? Few people get me, even when I speak simply. They always think I mean something else. This society thinks it's a virtue to be happy and smiling. Like happiness is a social currency, some kind of token. I'll be happy when I feel like it, when I feel I've earned it and I need to be angry when it's important I'm angry. Anger can be useful and can be important. Then you just get tired at the end of the day with it, get well rested the cycle repeats. What's the exit?










Can this site teach system 1 vs system 2



They post picturesgetting with otehsr I would not even consider. Dan Bacon but anyone. they caould that as scoring.

 

[archimedes]

I'm 42 close to 43 hardly had a girlfriend but people say i'm attractive. Tall and smart and successful now but slightly aspie probably. I have to figure out why I failed. I don't know if hope is important in general but it's certainly important to not hope in vain, so hope has to be controlled. I have a negative angry increasingly pessimist view of the world now but I promise I will accept the favorable truths that I come across when I come across them to the best of my ability. The goal isn't pessimism or optimism but truth. Toxic positivity is so real, but sometimes truth is favorable. I promise to accept what is positive and use it to my advantage. That is the bargain.

The main problem with the world by far is that people are not rational. I am pretty rational. More rational than most.. and I enjoy good emotion, in their place. I do have emotional mind blindness. I see emotion.. kind of, especially when people are open with their feelings and sharing but what surprises me is how it lets them control their decisions. Don't get me wrong I know we're serving our lower brain systems in all that we do, but that's not what I'm talking about. So anyway I have an emotional mind blindness to the degree I'm surprised when people experience different emotions to different stimuli and then act on them, like fools in my mind.

It might be good to figure out why I never got a relationship or much sex or success. This is important in my life. I need success. It is not optional. I have always been about taking responsibility- but nary a guide. Nary an elder, a wise mentor, or someone to even encourage or empathize with me- yet the world expects stream of empathy, and their form of 'empathy' from you OR ELSE it's over. The one exception I think, is if you're dating a girl, if you can give her great orgasms- and not be too much of a fuck face outside the bedroom, or too needy, then she'll probably always swing back to you, otherwise she can take it or leave it.

Just because you believe in Jesus doesn't mean you have to agree with the modern church. It is superstitious and suppressive. Nevertheless it is a good community and counterbalance to a lot of modern culture but I don't think either are optimized for life and wellness. I'm no commie but maybe late stage capitalism really is a little screwy. The eye doctor wants to sell you glasses for margin rather than learn how you can help your kids restore their vision naturally. The circumciser wants to cut your kid for a hundred quid. The divorce lawyer doesn't want you to mend your marriage. Capitalism.. has evil in it. But I play the game. It still is a better game than other games. And if Jesus is real, surely he understands real talk.

I do hate the world. I do hate life. This life is worthy of scorn but that doesn't mean I am not trying to take responsibility and grow. I think that growth must entail changes in attitudes but I don't think it must require I drop this attitude. That only opens me up to further abuse and self-gaslighting. I never really hurt anybody and always tried to do right by people. I will like the world as it likes me and like life as it likes me. I think that too is a fair good bargain. What fool loves what hates him? Indeed I have often been a fool in life. I was a fool as a vegan. I was a fool many times over but I was always trying to do my best with the best intelligence I had, on my own, and my highest morality. And still I can't 'break bad' out of anger. Not in a reactive sort of way. I still must try determine what is best, and do that... but it might be good to review at high level why I never got a relationship or marriage and family. Virtually all of my friends in high school and college got this, and soon after. It's a mystery. It must not stay a mystery. It must be solved.

Not to make excuses but remember we must accept what is true even if it is favorable. I was born in the early 80s. I think when my friends and I came of age, things were different. Tinder and bumble, heck even the internet had hardly been invented. I think things were more natural.. but I wasn't ready. I didn't have confidence, from childhood, no hobbies, no career, despite college. My parents probably thought I was veal calf or waygu. That's about how they raised and insulated me, despite their parents and families being prominent and successful. No shame, no shame! But still I thought different. I adopted a stoic mindset early on, but STOICISM NEVER HELPED ME. It was a delusional or distracting ideology or way of thinking. Pleasure and hedonism and doing the wayward prodigal son would have been a better path for me probably. I think I still carried and maybe even carry a lot of their moral superstitions. They raised me very sheltered, and my college was even more sheltered and sequestered, but I knew I wanted to go out and get tough. Not tough like a fighter, which I should have done but exposed. I did travel the world. I also needed career.

Between travelling and not enough game I guess (though i tried to learn some game), I never got into an LTR. Then the second phase, I came back from overseas teaching and stuff, to really dive into career. I remember even with a college degree, companies kept rejecting me years prior. I didn't know the power of work and focus. So I came back and I did try to date some at university but I was so focused. Work gave me confidence- all types of jobs, plus studies. My confidence did increase but this didn't translate for me into dates but I think dating was also harder with apps and smartphones. I was in my late 20s early 30s. I think as I got better the bar was raised. I don't know maybe that's an excuse but now as far as work and success I'm no elon musk or anyone but I'm more successful than ever and more successful than many AND more confident and knowledgeable and convicted but I think the game is even harder. I'm chasing a moving target..

My cousin says women like older men but they expect them to know what they're doing. I think the Matthew Effect and snowball effect has stung me. I just missed the elevator so I run to the next floor and miss it again. Now I am kind of angry. I don't know what people want. If I found a good girl with a low body count or zero body count, who I was attracted to mentally and physically young twenties who wanted a family, I would marry and build a life. That's what I want the most and I make no excuses for my desires as a man and you can keep all your opinions to yourself because I'm not interested. My heart is as it always was. I've always been kind of a constant guy. But I can't take second fiddle sloppy seconds, when i'm at my best. I guess women take the beta bucks in old age and it can be a good fair transaction...

.. except I don't think I'm beta bucks. I think I'm kind of dominant and strong and good and loving. I kind of think I'm the complete package in many ways, and I've told myself, when enamored with different women, that I want to be the best husband in the world and best father, and I meant it. I don't want freebies-- and yet I feel I've somehow earned a lifetime supply of good women, or a good woman. So I don't think I'm beta bucks, which means, what's my demographic? And I hate the internet- kind of. I mean I hate internet first living and dealing. I say world first, internet as support. It's a new world, with new mindsets, new norms, new rules, new divisions and controversies and celebrities.. and I kind of hate it. It's kind of too much. I resonate with Johnny Lawrence from the Kobra Kai show.. so all this is stuff to dance around. I just don't get why I'm not good enough.

I know I know it's about feels. It's about the emotions you give women- security, validation, but not too much validation, excitement and intrigue etc. It's first about meting them and that's a challenge, to meet them in sufficient volume. Half of them are faking. They're hunting for guy friends with their sexuality when they already have a man. Those women suck. They split you in the middle mentally. They are schizogenic.. but there is first the question of meting a volume of good women, and that is hard. That is a challenge... and I'm not getting younger, and this sucks. Even fi I do meet a good woman that I want, when I'm 47- that's the main problem. I think I will be healthy because I have been and I take care of myself, but even if I get the girl, I could have issues or not have as much of a life with them. God damn I hate my life and my parents. It's like a bad dream. This world is toxic and many people have toxic attitudes and I have the least toxic attitude. I am the antidote, I am the cure. I an insanely intelligent and wise and good but few listen and it is hard for me to adapt. They are set in their ways and though I try not be proud, I try to be flexible and adapt and make things work, it is still a struggle, and I'm told I don't have 'empathy' because I don't have the specific neurotypical type that they're looking for.

I'm just looking for my break. And I've made mistakes. I had chances. Good woman who made it easy for me and yet I failed or didn't see or got distracted. All that left me with is regret, though not joy, if I dwell on that and they don't come around all day, so I am waiting for more to come around and hopefully I can close. Even though I got some breaks, did I really, if God or life didn't give me the wisdom to see and judge correctly? I need a real break. I'm not playing this con game and only receiving regret from the deal. Take your regret and shove it.

Even now I still don't know what the best mindset is, because I see multiple paths to success, or to levels of success. Crudely, the player, or the married family man etc.. and the roads that lead to each may be mutually exclusive so you have to judge wisely. I've seen in my book not very game aware or conventionally attractive men get great women. I can't believe the guy my coworker Kristen married, wtf. It's almost insulting. It's like a 9 and just some nobody. Maybe I'm not judging the heart but I think a lot of guys have a good heart. I don't think it's that. I think it's more arbitrary and random and coincidental.

I'm dancing all the time now, but there's no volume... and confidence? I hate the idea of confidence. I am just me. I like lack of fear but I like matter of fact being. Normal-good-living. I've had too many life breakthroughs to have confidence in this or that. Each breakthroughs or new environment gives me a little brief confidence and I think for a lot of guys this is enough to send them to the next level, launch them in orbit dating wise but for me it didn't happen and now it's just normal being. Wow I have a job wow I have a career wow I have a house wow I saw another country wow wow wow. This old lady when dancing this morning in a beginner group said I looked nervous. I felt the least nervous. I was dressed pretty good, black jeans dark red long sleeve pullover. I was better at the tango than anyone... but she said I looked nervous. I know she was nervous and so probably projecting. Maybe I was thinking of form and stature as I had worked- with a $300/hr coach recently in NY with my friend an international champion (I'm not that great but I know great dancers) and they taught me some frame stuff and I was trying to remember and practice it. It's easy to drop frame if you're not focusing. Anyway this old lady thought I was nervous, at the basic steps of smooth tango, which means.. and others have hinted at this too- that PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO READ ME. Sometimes they misunderstand me favorably, other times unfavorably, but I do not know what I can do or change, except be part of communities where the truth comes out, be good at empathy etc etc but what in the world made her think that? And she was not gen z. She was like late boomer. I think I fundamentally see REALITY different than a lot of people AND I think I see it more accurate or well rounded, BUT I don't think I MAKE ALLOWANCES for the others views, or even that they see it in a different way. That's an autism thing I guess, thinking everyone shares your knowledge base. I know they don't but I like to assume the best of people, while meeting them where they're at. Sometimes they are my teachers but the bottom line is I AM OUT OF TOUCH WITH OTHERS AND THEY ARE OUT OF TOUCH WITH ME. At least I try not to assume anything, but they make all these assumptions, that I am nervous or lack confidence.. or whatever. That tracks, because the slightest vibe change in me however brief, eye change.. it seems to have a catastrophic effect on a given ongoing feminine interaction, like how the fuck do they know? Do they have an ESP link into my brain? SO I have to be PERFECT ALL THE TIME, with the understanding that perfection is not how I define it but how it is necessary for me to be, as discussed here and elsewhere, a confident challenge, etc etc. But ALWAYS ONE MUST HAVE A PERFECT VIBE or it will be sensed and punished. It is crazy dudes but it feels like this is how it is. Atlas with the world on his back.. because the world has what you want- pssy and love and affection and warmth, children and a future, not that it's giving me any.

 

[archimedes]

It's Christmas and I'm fucking alone. I could be at 'friends' or even at my dad and sisters next state over. big deal. no thanks.

ranting never changed much of anything and dumping one's thoughts. Maybe it provides a little clarity or release, but ya gotta find where the levers are and work with them. I've always tried to do self help since I was very young- for all the good it got me. other people were out socializing or partying and doing drugs and they're ahead of me in life. I've always been about the responsibility.

As to dating, I try to meet people. The first most important thing is meeting people. You can withdrawal and work on yourself for a time or get ready. There can be periods of that occasionally but i'm trying to meet people. I go to ballroom dance- some younger people but mostly older. I go to church. Where else am I suppose to go? I go to these random events. I try find what's going on. this is too much. This sucks too much. It might be an indictment against me but it's also an indictment against our whole society.

I'm trying to meet people. And I want to meet people in a place where it won't be forced or awkward. I've realized people are sensitive to awkward emotions. I guess I'm Aspie. I kind of feel the awkward energy sometimes but I push through for the sake of connection, or purpose or reason. People are pussies. Sometimes temporary bad feelings are important on the way to good long term feelings and states. Sacrifice, risk, effort. I just want them to make an effort. it seems all effort is one sided. I'm not into MRA or anything but it seems ALL EFFORT IS ONE SIDED and everything is asked of me. On that much the internet is true. Effort is so blatantly one sided.

The book on texting says to not give people too much load. Let's grade texts as A grade to F grade. I do some B grade texts, or whatever, and I don't get a reply. I'm learning to do what's best but man I'm so 'loaded' by life, and the rules of pursuing women, that it seems like they lay up a huge load on me, but give them a Fn feather. That's how it feels like. Like "would you like me to spoon feed you some squashed carrots'?

I'm a normal guy. I never hurt anyone. I might be neurodivergent. that might be my one main crime throughout the years. I think that masks as other conditions. I think it can mask as a wide variety of things, everything from narcissism(frankness, direct honesty) to nice guy syndrome (good manners and class, for their own sake, as part of one's personality), to aloofness etc...so i spent years wondering and considering these things, but if they are false symptoms they are false symptoms.

People consider me physically attractive, I have a good job, but I don't get sh-t for results. I want a wife and kids by the fire like in the 50s. i'm not like rain man. I can come off as really charismatic if I need to, and people love me, but only as long as I don't need or desire a single thing rom them (selfish pricks) and as long as i'm masking. The minute I turn or pull back my energy, people are like what's with this guy? It's subtle. It's not F grade stuff but B grade or B-. Th point is I'm not some freak show. I'd be a good father and partner. I have never had that so I don't even know what is normal and the matthew effect is probably killing me.

I don't know where the levers are. I need to meet people.

Community i good. Church is pretty good. There's a risk of people being too fundamentalist but they are also traditional and down to earth if you can get plugged into a community. Community is good, i guess because if Asperger's behavior is a thing, they get to know you past that. They, the NTs are the ones that are weird and arbitrary. I could be a great partner and I'm not a burden. I can validate, protect, lead, everything. literally everything. I have studied my whole life the things people want and need. I just can't sell. I JUST CAN'T SELL. I'm SHIT for SALES AND MARKETING- and I think a lot of that might have to do with the fact that I OVERESTIMATE PEOPLE. I realized this year I always overestimate people. They want to be babied. I don't know what 'wooing' is.. because whenever I tried selling I'd often try sell to the best and highest person in front of me if given a chance. At least .. this is hard to explain. In the context of women.. the idea is to be more hands on, more baby talk/sweet talk to her. I can't believe that works but that's what I think I need, because I overestimate people. I know people have simple tastes, like football and blah their passions and I respect them. That's not it. It's rubbing it in their face for a sale.. i thought they'd hate that but they like it just as often. Common ground? No common ground. They want to be all about them. I default always to common ground because that seems most sustainable and good but they don't want that. They want breakfast in bed I guess and they are not embarrassed by you knowing too much. They trust you with so much.

I overestimate people in other ways. "I couldn't do that yet.. but someday" when other people much less than me were doing it and succeeding.

Confidence.

Confidence means multiple things, like the word belief. We have to be clear about what we're talking about. But, here that projected Vibe. I'm learning or have learned to not overestimate people no matter the confident vibe they project.

And I step up WAY MORE, when I get an "At Bat".. but alas I hardly ever get at bats anymore, in life or dating. I am probably buying a few more properties soon. Big deal I already have several. That's good and all but it won't change anything. I'm better at buying houses or getting degrees than I am girlfriends. At one time, buying a property was an 'at bat'. Life is all about stepping up when you get a chance. It doesn't have to be dating or relatioships, although what else is there, or what do you have if you don't have love and family? Tom Jones "Without Love" ("I had conquered the world but one thing remained, without love I had nothing, nothing at all"). So true so true. My tenants for all they lack in one unit have a family

I never knew how to make things real. Then when I try make em real or whatever, people are saying "too fast". WTF? WHat.... The... Fuck. That's me with my Dan Pena face and rant. My Jesus rant. I played a happy song and you wouldn't dance, I played a sad song and you wouldn't mourn. Let me win, JFC. In reality.. it was maybe probably subtle execution and timing, I dunno but that's what it FEELS like from my aspie perspective. BTW I think Jesus as written shows some aspie signs as does Paul, and maybe many other leading figures in history. Ask Chat GPT about them. You'll be surprised what it says.

I am a thinker and I have two more ways of thinking about things. I am always thinking about cause, because everything is about cause, but to understand cause you have to understand the elements at play, the structures, as well as schemas and architectures of life. Women sitting on their coochs are the base kind of because we know everything revolves around them, because it just does, or the super top men. at least that's how it seems.. as well as the neuro-typicals. It's their world. They hold frame so strongly. Well they have the numbers. Just once I want my frame to be respected. It is a good frame. My frame is decent, valid, respectable. Our culture breeds divorce, breeds collapse. My frame is a decent frame. There is still meritocracy and subsequent inequality but it is not crazy and gone too far. I think everything is natural that's happening (causally) but we've gone too far into the madness territory. That's a good lead-in to my first new theory of the mind: subsystems.

This doesn't have to do with dating, but personality and mind is the result of integrated systems. I've been watching all the Aspie movies like As Good as It Gets and Rain Man. Why does he always want to read so much? And write so much and know so much? That's the effect. what's the cause? The cause is that knowledge is power, so we have mental subsystems for that, but he has overactivity in that system, or maybe lack of a contextualizing function or a "what for" function. Maybe, to repeat, his knowing function is dominant, or maybe his controlling perspective function is just missing.. but in real life, anyone's subsystem (or Linux-like utility component) can be triggered/activated, but usually, when things are working well, they are silent and go unnoticed. Incidentally, I have a lot of books now and I want to understand the world- the history and mathematics of it.. but i also want to have confidence, network, have negotiation skills, and take action. often the latter are more important than the engineer's mind. I've always loved knowledge AND perspective, if that makes sense, but I do love to understand things. I don't know how these subsystems relate to "subpersonalities" or "parts" on a higher level of abstraction, but that's a good segue to my next theory..

Sides. Sides of a person, and in particular of women, the side she lets you see. This infuriates me internally (because i'm a man) when they don't give me their best side but give it to others but still give me some attention- string or test me). Again I'm a determinist/non free willist so in a sense I can't fault anyone including myself, but I only want the best. Access to the best side and all sides of someone, of a woman, certainly one I'm serious with. I guess me being serious with someone is not the same as them being serious with me. Tough pill to swallow lol. And I understand limits within reason. I'm not a billionarre playboy who can take someone around on a yacht, but in general, if someone likes me, then in good and fair time, there should be no side withholding.

b.b.but women are unconscious beings. It's what the men bring out in them. Kinda true but kinda misleading. they do have a will and intellect and personality. Women can be smart/high IQ, and they demand equal respect and everything, but then they play dumb. A smart man will make them eat their words, without getting angry. He will expect accountability and give them agency, when he's seducing them, even as he knows they have triggers and weaknesses. I get all this. It might seem I'm self deceptive, and I sure have blind spots, but I think in some/many ways I have long had a lot of insight into women and dating than my results would justify. So sad. I've always been able to give pretty good and helpful advice. It's just I never get to play around and have too much fun. Occasionally I have had some, but little and short lived. Am I wrong for desiring some of this life for myself? I know I'm not. Rhetorical question, but 'others first' doesn't work, except maybe in a community.. and then it may really work, depending on the community and the subtleties.

But everything now is kind of about getting only women's best side(s)- the trusting side(s), the loving side, the aroused sides. Anything else and I can't. The problem is they string, they confuse, they trick. I keep getting tricked. I know sometimes its pure trickery because I find they have a bf, so unless they were trying to monkey branch, I didn't ruin a good opportunity. If I can't get the girl, I want the respect. Lemme be real here, I might not even get that, but if I can, I want even more than the guy she's with gets. I don't mind outshining but that can't be forced. Just if you get a chance to outshine them, you have to decide if you care about the guy and want to make him look better, or if you don't. I've done or attempted both.

But women are masters of sides. I mean I kind of new that, in a way, and everyone knows that because that's how people are, but yet this was totally neglected as a blindspot that women will treat you different on a date if they like you a lot compared to just a little or if they're bored. I'm fine being alone, a day a week or month but a lifetime no? People need people so sorry I am a little needy in some respects. Actually (file this under bad generic advice from the internet), in my desire to not be needy I probably lost more women by being aloof with my interest than my excess, but it's probably been both because my faults are in not dialing things in. Social norms can be learned in time but with dating, the matthew effect really kicks in since norms can change so much, be so relative and you can only learn dating norms by actually dating i.e. actually getting dates.

I think the girls I got with in the past, amazing ones, had some kind of neuro divergence like me. Asperger's is now a politically incorrect term. Sorry my adjectives are aspie, not autistic spectrum. christ if people can choose their own gender, but can't say aspergers. wtf. But Russia and Syria are the bad places. Not to get that political but just saying our nation and civilization or establishment is steeped in madness and delusion and hypocrisy- or maybe a set of unshared values and value priorities. They use a knife to cut things down a line that is hypocritical. They say it is principle but that's just cover. The NTs go along with it because .. I guess they just buy or swallow everything and defend the same, but if you try reference an aformentioned principle, they'll think of a reason why it doesn't apply, because it was never about principles. not to get political but just saying our society is mental. Maybe as a neuro divergent or maybe just being me, I try see things logically and rationally, but i find myself constantly going against the current, even though I pick my battles and let people fight each other, but I can say xie xer but can't call myself aspie in some groups- for two reasons (the guy who it's named after was mean, and the experts/authorities say it's just part of one bigger spectrum. as if that changes anything). So these groups which are for people who have trouble with norms are all the sudden enforcing their own stupid norms.

This is all about understanding causes, so that yours truly and you yourself dear reader can be blessed. Words are just words but do you understand causes? Do you have access to levers and dials that can make a difference?

In order to understand causes, you must identify some structures, constructs, elements or patterns. The "side" concept is one. It's too hard without these middle level things. Ok so then start asking questions- what brings out one side as opposed to another? And what brings out those things in you? Your directness (angle of attack), your humor and chill, your value in her eyes, what? You can keep going upstream, where rivers become tributaries, 1000s of them you can work with, but don't miss any big streams (blindspots). I think the human mind is self repressive, with denial systems or ignoring systems. Sometimes a glaring truth is hard to handle, so you put it out of mind. I did that for years, working crap jobs thinking it would turn into something, 'putting in my time'. I'm probably still doing it. Boldness is important too. Sucks to feel like fate is real and you're destined to nothing. I have and always had a lot of value to offer. some women saw this but I fumbled but if they really saw value in me they would have tried harder. It's nice when someone actually invests in you, bets on you, as rare as that is. Would be nice to have that. I still do the provision, take out garbage, but just that they invest in you with their time and their heart and youth and beauty.

But the world is messed up. This stuff is probably perennial, even before the 1920s, the same dynamics were in play, but things probably also accelerated. No true community, a lot of stress and lies and things that changed people's attitudes en masse.

Gotta meet people. Gotta be a good attractive person or what's the point? Gotta be chill, but not too chill you don't accelerate or escalate? There are so many demands. It's SO MUCH EASIER when the woman is already hungry for a relationship, searching for one, and you fit the bill. They have to have desire and hunger. I hate women who aren't needy in the least. They are hard to get anywhere with but if they have manners, they are fine but usually they don't. Again not to get political. I'll take a woman president but to think we almost had two that were just cold, shrill selfish. How is this condescension, coldness normalized in society? Maybe it's a neurotypical thing.

I see myself mostly as a normal guy, mostly a chill guy, but a wise man in some regards.. that because i'm usually quiet, people are projecting on. That is who I actually am, outward facing. I just want and need my basics- a family, kids wife etc. No one ever really helped me, no one was on my side. when i paid for dating help, no one ever mentioned aspergers and i didn't really grow or benefit. Neurotypicals. the battle isn't between men and women as much as NTs and NDs lol. I'm still learning a lot about that condition. I just need a life. Nobody was able to do anything for me, not my parents or anyone, though they pretended and gaslit me about that just like the government and powers gaslight you. I found a good therapist though to talk to. Gonna try that thing. She's supposed to be in network = $20/session. She thinks she is. I can't expect anything from any one person, perhaps excepting parents but then there's so much gaslighting in the world, abstract large scale population gaslighting or whatever. What can ya do? I think most people take it. Maybe most people don't even see it. Feed them and their happy? I honestly don't know. It goes back to what I said near the beginning- I don't estimate people properly. I give them what I would want, and they resent me for it because they want to be babied, coddled, made to 'feel' good. the things that make others feel good make me insecure-- because it means the other party knows too much, or maybe they're just stealing all the glory. At some point I may pay someone to do my taxes. I almost did this year. It's not even about the money. I want the glory, and the experience points-- but my point is people are different. "Do unto others as they want you to do onto them".. but I estimate this wrong but I'm learning to lean in more, lean heavier. That's what people seem to like and respond to, hands on approach, but I still have to meet people. Meet, then vibe, then keep touching and escalating and not do anything stupidly ND.. and text well for future meetups only.. and hope something comes of it, a hook up into relationship or with a traditional girl straight dating.

I put in 1Mx more work, thought and effort than the stupid NT when it comes to dating yet get worse results. This is possibly an Asperger thing learning how to mask or 'empathize' in the way they need and want. I have always taken responsibility, always taken risks, always expended effort, including approaching, my entire adult life, yet get poor results AND people consider me an attractive guy. something is messed up. Bitterness, Aspergers, just some misunderstandings, excessive expectations... some combination? But that's my story. Alone. Serving others, serving my company. A man needs to get some for himself. So many American men are weak and I am probably masking as them and it's so crazy that people see outward displays of wealth as actual wealth and other superficial things as signs of strength, or vice versa weakness. The Art of War doesn't work for dating in this regard, not where people are blind. I mean where it says look weak where you are strong, look distant when you are near. The girl is going to be like "this guy is weak". I may have picked some of that up unconsciously. Who am I kidding? I'm not even that strong- but I tried to be strong, the long road to strength and wisdom but in reality dating is more like Conor McGregor or UFC. You have to show strength and they'll believe it. People are believers. if you say something they usually believe it. It's amazing. I've been finding this to to be so true. Within all this, all of this might be some of the things that would get me or have gotten me my good wife or girlfriend.

I'm so out of touch with what's expected in a relationship. I was just doing to do my own thing, what makes sense. Lots of good s-x and communication and fun times, shared goals and projects and purposes, to keep us oriented correctly to each other (this main one being family building), as well as time apart, and underlying chemistry and attraction. I guess or I thought if you had these fundamentals you wouldn't need to care as much about (unwritten, crazy cultural) norms, and I don't think one would if she'd feel emotional investment, and attachment and bonding through these things. (I hate that this sounds so clinical.. but what can I say? When I get what i need i'm going to stop thinking about all this crap and just focus on tech and business and life). But if attachment is the glue, that may indeed work, but culture and norms might be the forces of stress, straining the glue, still things to be mindful of. My point is fuck norms, arbitrary and punishing norms at least, but I'm so out of relationships that I don't know what I don't know, that I don't know what is or could be expected of me. I think i'd be awesome but it's untested. I don't know anything- dinner with her parents, weekend plans, etc. This is sad and lame and a whole dimension/several dimensions of life i'm missing out on if you count family-- and i never did any wrong to anyone. wtf is this shit