Large age gap crush

[carolinagirl21]

Hi, I am 21 and have a huge crush on a guy who is 49 years old. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him and keep wondering if I even should. It’s probably super unrealistic I assume?

Makena

 

[StrayDog]

Hi, I am 21 and have a huge crush on a guy who is 49 years old. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him and keep wondering if I even should. It’s probably super unrealistic I assume?

Makena

what are the circumstances under which you two are aquatinted?

 

[carolinagirl21]

what are the circumstances under which you two are aquatinted?

I am friends with his nephew and have met him on a few occasions at various events

 

[bkw]

If it's a fling thing, and if it's not negatively affecting anyone else, then I see nothing wrong with it, as you are both adults. The only consideration is if you develop something long-term then obviously you'd have to consider generational differences perhaps, and even open to the idea of becoming a caretaker, but that would be way, way down the line. That's my take anyway.

 

[carolinagirl21]

If it's a fling thing, and if it's not negatively affecting anyone else, then I see nothing wrong with it, as you are both adults. The only consideration is if you develop something long-term then obviously you'd have to consider generational differences perhaps, and even open to the idea of becoming a caretaker, but that would be way, way down the line. That's my take anyway.

Thank you for your take, it is very much appreciated. I am so torn and have no clue what to do

 

[Will_V]

Hi, I am 21 and have a huge crush on a guy who is 49 years old. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him and keep wondering if I even should. It’s probably super unrealistic I assume?

Makena

First of all, what do you want with him, just a fun time, or some kind of serious relationship?

If it's a fun time, I think you know what to do.

If it's a serious relationship, you'll have to find out if he's ready/willing to give you what you want. And for that you'll have to rely on a mix of a) your own intuition and judgement of him as you know him right now, and if he passes then b) getting to some level of intimacy with him, feeling him out, broaching the subject in a fairly chill/indirect way, and testing him in various ways.

Because a man is the active/dominant figure in a courtship, when he's at a loss for what to do it's easy to tell him "do this and that". For a woman whose role is much more passive, the advice is mainly "test this and that". At this point, it seems you don't really know him very well at all. Is he the sort of guy who can take a 21 y/o seriously? Will he take you seriously and give you what you want and need? You'll have to find that out for yourself. Not every guy is capable of running atypical sorts of relationships.

For a woman, advancing the relationship sexually is easy. But making sure you get what you want from it is the skill. If you are evaluating a guy for the long term, you have to get into the habit of testing. Not by simply being abrasive or combative, but by putting a guy in a position where he unconsciously reveals to you something about who he is and how he sees his role. And when you see something you aren't so sure about, find ways to reveal it even further.

I can't tell you if this guy is going to be able to give you what you want, if having a relationship of the type you want with him is plausible or not. He'll have to show you if he's both willing and capable of it.

 

[carolinagirl21]

First of all, what do you want with him, just a fun time, or some kind of serious relationship?

If it's a fun time, I think you know what to do.

If it's a serious relationship, you'll have to find out if he's ready/willing to give you what you want. And for that you'll have to rely on a mix of a) your own intuition and judgement of him as you know him right now, and if he passes then b) getting to some level of intimacy with him, feeling him out, broaching the subject in a fairly chill/indirect way, and testing him in various ways.

Because a man is the active/dominant figure in a courtship, when he's at a loss for what to do it's easy to tell him "do this and that". For a woman whose role is much more passive, the advice is mainly "test this and that". At this point, it seems you don't really know him very well at all. Is he the sort of guy who can take a 21 y/o seriously? Will he take you seriously and give you what you want and need? You'll have to find that out for yourself. Not every guy is capable of running atypical sorts of relationships.

For a woman, advancing the relationship sexually is easy. But making sure you get what you want from it is the skill. If you are evaluating a guy for the long term, you have to get into the habit of testing. Not by simply being abrasive or combative, but by putting a guy in a position where he unconsciously reveals to you something about who he is and how he sees his role. And when you see something you aren't so sure about, find ways to reveal it even further.

I can't tell you if this guy is going to be able to give you what you want, if having a relationship of the type you want with him is plausible or not. He'll have to show you if he's both willing and capable of it.

This is a super helpful and thoughtful response, definitely gives me something to think about

That is one of my biggest concerns, that he wouldn’t even take me seriously because of my age. And I can certainly understand that if it is the case