Large age gap crush

[carolinagirl21]

Hi, I am 21 and have a huge crush on a guy who is 49 years old. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him and keep wondering if I even should. It’s probably super unrealistic I assume?

Makena

 

[StrayDog]

Hi, I am 21 and have a huge crush on a guy who is 49 years old. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him and keep wondering if I even should. It’s probably super unrealistic I assume?

Makena

what are the circumstances under which you two are aquatinted?

 

[carolinagirl21]

what are the circumstances under which you two are aquatinted?

I am friends with his nephew and have met him on a few occasions at various events

 

[bkw]

If it's a fling thing, and if it's not negatively affecting anyone else, then I see nothing wrong with it, as you are both adults. The only consideration is if you develop something long-term then obviously you'd have to consider generational differences perhaps, and even open to the idea of becoming a caretaker, but that would be way, way down the line. That's my take anyway.

 

[carolinagirl21]

If it's a fling thing, and if it's not negatively affecting anyone else, then I see nothing wrong with it, as you are both adults. The only consideration is if you develop something long-term then obviously you'd have to consider generational differences perhaps, and even open to the idea of becoming a caretaker, but that would be way, way down the line. That's my take anyway.

Thank you for your take, it is very much appreciated. I am so torn and have no clue what to do

 

[Will_V]

Hi, I am 21 and have a huge crush on a guy who is 49 years old. I haven’t worked up the courage to tell him and keep wondering if I even should. It’s probably super unrealistic I assume?

Makena

First of all, what do you want with him, just a fun time, or some kind of serious relationship?

If it's a fun time, I think you know what to do.

If it's a serious relationship, you'll have to find out if he's ready/willing to give you what you want. And for that you'll have to rely on a mix of a) your own intuition and judgement of him as you know him right now, and if he passes then b) getting to some level of intimacy with him, feeling him out, broaching the subject in a fairly chill/indirect way, and testing him in various ways.

Because a man is the active/dominant figure in a courtship, when he's at a loss for what to do it's easy to tell him "do this and that". For a woman whose role is much more passive, the advice is mainly "test this and that". At this point, it seems you don't really know him very well at all. Is he the sort of guy who can take a 21 y/o seriously? Will he take you seriously and give you what you want and need? You'll have to find that out for yourself. Not every guy is capable of running atypical sorts of relationships.

For a woman, advancing the relationship sexually is easy. But making sure you get what you want from it is the skill. If you are evaluating a guy for the long term, you have to get into the habit of testing. Not by simply being abrasive or combative, but by putting a guy in a position where he unconsciously reveals to you something about who he is and how he sees his role. And when you see something you aren't so sure about, find ways to reveal it even further.

I can't tell you if this guy is going to be able to give you what you want, if having a relationship of the type you want with him is plausible or not. He'll have to show you if he's both willing and capable of it.

 

[carolinagirl21]

First of all, what do you want with him, just a fun time, or some kind of serious relationship?

If it's a fun time, I think you know what to do.

If it's a serious relationship, you'll have to find out if he's ready/willing to give you what you want. And for that you'll have to rely on a mix of a) your own intuition and judgement of him as you know him right now, and if he passes then b) getting to some level of intimacy with him, feeling him out, broaching the subject in a fairly chill/indirect way, and testing him in various ways.

Because a man is the active/dominant figure in a courtship, when he's at a loss for what to do it's easy to tell him "do this and that". For a woman whose role is much more passive, the advice is mainly "test this and that". At this point, it seems you don't really know him very well at all. Is he the sort of guy who can take a 21 y/o seriously? Will he take you seriously and give you what you want and need? You'll have to find that out for yourself. Not every guy is capable of running atypical sorts of relationships.

For a woman, advancing the relationship sexually is easy. But making sure you get what you want from it is the skill. If you are evaluating a guy for the long term, you have to get into the habit of testing. Not by simply being abrasive or combative, but by putting a guy in a position where he unconsciously reveals to you something about who he is and how he sees his role. And when you see something you aren't so sure about, find ways to reveal it even further.

I can't tell you if this guy is going to be able to give you what you want, if having a relationship of the type you want with him is plausible or not. He'll have to show you if he's both willing and capable of it.

This is a super helpful and thoughtful response, definitely gives me something to think about

That is one of my biggest concerns, that he wouldn’t even take me seriously because of my age. And I can certainly understand that if it is the case

 

[DArtagnan]

Hi!

I could also add that it's worth paying close attention to your relationship with his nephew, and the nephew's relationship with his uncle. Are you sure the nephew sees you only as friend? If not, he might be mad if he discovers your intentions with his uncle, and this might impact any outcome. The uncle might also think you are a potential girlfriend of his nephew, and discard the idea of being with you.

Another tip about some good practices in this forum. Apparently you have signed your message using a name. I would advise you not using your true name here, since anything here might appear in online searches. The good practice is to avoid as much as possible disclosing personal information, to avoid future headaches.

Now a personal anedocte: I have been maried for the past couple of years, though I am divorced now. I'm pretty sure my ex had a crush on my father. Since the beginning of our relationship, she was always telling me I looked a lot like him. I catched them flirting with each other a few times. Nothing grew out of this tough. I think I managed to keep everything under control for our relationship.

 

[StrayDog]

This is a super helpful and thoughtful response, definitely gives me something to think about

That is one of my biggest concerns, that he wouldn’t even take me seriously because of my age. And I can certainly understand that if it is the case

could be tricky assessing this all on first blush

something to think about when you say "be taken seriously", in what regard do you wish to be taken seriously? As someone to get to know sincerely? As a long term partner?

Serious relationships happen incrementally as people get to know eachother, and not just everything all at once.

Being with this man may be nothing like what you imagine in your mind. The only way to find out is by getting to know him. There is always some risk of disappointment involved in getting to know someone. One step at a time is really the only way we can see exactly what form a relationship can take. And where our fantasy lines up with reality.

In terms of the age gap, definitely has its own caveats, but doesn't necessarily mean any more or less obstacles to relating than some other aged relationship. Just consider that the age thing may have its own unique challenges. that's all

Edit: My initial response was made while working and was kind of a mess> I edited for clarity

 

[carolinagirl21]

Hi!

I could also add that it's worth paying close attention to your relationship with his nephew, and the nephew's relationship with his uncle. Are you sure the nephew sees you only as friend? If not, he might be mad if he discovers your intentions with his uncle, and this might impact any outcome. The uncle might also think you are a potential girlfriend of his nephew, and discard the idea of being with you.

Another tip about some good practices in this forum. Apparently you have signed your message using a name. I would advise you not using your true name here, since anything here might appear in online searches. The good practice is to avoid as much as possible disclosing personal information, to avoid future headaches.

Now a personal anedocte: I have been maried for the past couple of years, though I am divorced now. I'm pretty sure my ex had a crush on my father. Since the beginning of our relationship, she was always telling me I looked a lot like him. I catched them flirting with each other a few times. Nothing grew out of this tough. I think I managed to keep everything under control for our relationship.

Thank you for the advice and support. I will make sure not to do that in the future

I am sorry to hear about your divorce and I’m sure that was hard to think your wife had a crush on your dad. I hope you are in a better place now