Raised standards after a break up?

[Darius]

Hello everyone,

I recently split up with my girlfriend after a relationship that was super close (6 months together, spending time together 2-3 times a week) and I am ready to hit the dating pool again.

This ex-girl was really good for me, she was what I normally thought to be way outside of my league. She was cute, dressed and smelled nicely and was super submissive with me, literally took care of all my needs. What I notice right now is that when I meet a lot of new girls that I would have liked before, I'm just not really attracted to them. Like not even sexually. Stuff that I never used to notice e.g. "oh this girl is nice but she's not that pretty" or "oh she looks good but man, that attitude really kinda stinks", now become quite important and make me just want to kick them out of my life.

Is this a good thing? Either I "levelled up" to a different calibre of girl from this relationship, or I'm still comparing everyone with my ex somehow. I still get attracted by a lot of girls, but right now I don't feel like fucking everything in sight, like I was pre-relationship.

Thoughts appreciated!

Darius

 

[Skills]

This is totally a normal reaction post break up... You still have not heal and this is one of the symptoms most normal healthy dudes will experience This will not be permanent eventually you will go back to base level... Read this post and answers, and resources...

Break Ups - Break up dynamics for secret society members (seducers, women, gays)

Most break up posts, blogs, videos are mainly accurate but from a normal person view, not from a secret society (specially seducer/player) perspective. What is the difference you may ask? A secret society member is able to access sexual partners fairly quick and usually do not get onitis...

www.skilledseducer.com

 

[Rain]

Do you desire your ex or are there no feelings left?

 

[Darius]

I would take her back, but by the end of the relationship she was quite disrespectful of me. I know what I did wrong with her, I was too cold with her and I sent her into some deep auto-rejection, and I will change that. However I won't accept disrespect, which is why I broke up with her.

I like her and I wish her the best, but she's no longer the girl she was, at least not around me. So I am moving on, and if she starts chasing before I find another long-term girl, well, we can give it another shot.

Darius

 

[Darius]

Update on this one. Saw her in a social circle meetup, and she was flirting/touching another guy in the group. Like they were sitting next to each other on the couch and touching feet etc.

Guys, I uh... need some help on this one. It really, really hurts. All my memories of her came rushing back when I saw her being happy. And it hurts that I know she'll never really be mine again. It's so freaking tragic. It's like she's dead to me, but to some other guy she's exactly the same. How do I move on? I don't even want other women, I really just want her.

And deep down I know that even if somehow we do end up together, it'll be for a shit reason. The guy is relatively cool, so fuck, if they don't end up together then it means he didn't want her, and I'm the "second choice".

 

[Lover]

Update on this one. Saw her in a social circle meetup, and she was flirting/touching another guy in the group. Like they were sitting next to each other on the couch and touching feet etc.

Guys, I uh... need some help on this one. It really, really hurts. All my memories of her came rushing back when I saw her being happy. And it hurts that I know she'll never really be mine again. It's so freaking tragic. It's like she's dead to me, but to some other guy she's exactly the same. How do I move on? I don't even want other women, I really just want her.

And deep down I know that even if somehow we do end up together, it'll be for a shit reason. The guy is relatively cool, so fuck, if they don't end up together then it means he didn't want her, and I'm the "second choice".

I only regret one thing after my last LTR, and it's that I didn't meet girls - any girl that fit a minimum of standards - to get my mind off my ex for six months. You're going through grief from your loss, and your mind is playing games with you.

It's an inevitable process. But if you don't take control of your actions, your mind will dictate how bad your mood and your feelings should control you.

Avoid what I did. Instead, meet and sleep with other girls for six months. And then look back if you still miss her and want her back. If you don't start now, you will laugh at yourself and wonder "why didn't I do this sooner" once you get started

 

[Skills]

Update on this one. Saw her in a social circle meetup, and she was flirting/touching another guy in the group. Like they were sitting next to each other on the couch and touching feet etc.

Guys, I uh... need some help on this one. It really, really hurts. All my memories of her came rushing back when I saw her being happy. And it hurts that I know she'll never really be mine again. It's so freaking tragic. It's like she's dead to me, but to some other guy she's exactly the same. How do I move on? I don't even want other women, I really just want her.

And deep down I know that even if somehow we do end up together, it'll be for a shit reason. The guy is relatively cool, so fuck, if they don't end up together then it means he didn't want her, and I'm the "second choice".

This why the no contact rule is there I said that in the article and video, now you got a start heartbreak and onitis from 0... bro no contact no going to the places she goes etc.... don't ask for advice if you are not going to follow it

 

[Darius]

Thanks for the level-headed advice,

It's an inevitable process. But if you don't take control of your actions, your mind will dictate how bad your mood and your feelings should control you.

Indeed. It's insane how the mind and feeling can work, I'm normally very cool and detached. I never imagined my brain would pull a sneaky on me like it did.

Avoid what I did. Instead, meet and sleep with other girls for six months. And then look back if you still miss her and want her back. If you don't start now, you will laugh at yourself and wonder "why didn't I do this sooner" once you get started

Honestly I'll try doing that. I'm thinking of ditching this particular social circle for a while and starting a journal and running day game. I never did it and it's always something I wanted to try.

I will say this -- going from a place where sex was literally offered to me on a silver platter at my beck and call (from this girl and I had a FWB on the side which broke it off with me not 2 days after the breakup, lol), to being 100% sexless for a couple of weeks now, is really making me needy as fuck. Perhaps that is also the cause why this hurts so much.

 

[Darius]

This why the no contact rule is there I said that in the article and video, now you got a start heartbreak and onitis from 0... bro no contact no going to the places she goes etc.... don't ask for advice if you are not going to follow it

I didn't know she was going to be there, and we hang out with the same social circle. I didn't want to break off from the entire group because of her. If anything she should be the one leaving, she only joined recently and I'm quite popular in the circle and have some very old friends there.

But good point, should have left when I saw her. Especially when I saw her being close with that guy. From now I'll follow the advice more seriously

 

[Will_V]

I'm going to give a different perspective here. I think the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself (and, incidentally, for her) would be to contact her and express your regret for being cold with her in the relationship with complete honesty. And then move on from her.

As I've already mentioned once or twice, I think the beginning of the end of any relationship is the point where one person refuses to correct a mistake because of a mistake that they perceive the other person made, such that they feel defeated by being the first one to 'capitulate'.

This is, of course, the fearful, reactive thinking of someone who perceives themselves as inferior, and is precisely the opposite of the behavior of a man who operates according to his own established principles.
...

As men, there is a tendency within us to dominate women by sheer strength of will - and this is not only a good thing but absolutely necessary. But the problem with it is that it quickly becomes tied to our ego, such that we are always pushed toward 'testing' it to remind ourselves of how strong and dominant we are.

This is exactly the trap I fell into with my last relationship, where I gave less and less in an attempt to force her to submit to my frame regardless. It worked for a short while, but as it went on, I needed to do it to greater and greater lengths to prove that I was really still capable of it. And then, at some point, she became very cold with me - exactly as you described - and no typical masculine thing I did would bring spontaneous warmth out of her.

At that point, things become extremely complicated and dangerous for a man, because you have ventured further and further away from a balanced set of principles until you have wrecked the very thing that would allow you to return to it. There is only one way back, in my opinion, and that is to declare the truth of your mistakes with as much honesty as possible, and accept the consequences.

Looking at it now, I believe this kind of dominance game in a relationship is only good when it is a temporary, emotional means to reinforce a man and a woman's natural roles, but regardless of the outcome, a man should always return to a state of reason, calmness, honesty, and open communication to remind her that while he can overpower her emotionally, she can still rely on him to not be led astray from his principles, either by her behaviour or anyone else's. A good woman will not only accept this premise but will be very happy with it.
...

Incidentally, my ex was the first to make the mistake of tying her own responsibility over her behavior to my correction of something she perceived as wrong that I had done. But my real mistake (which was much worse, because I am the leader of the relationship) was to follow her down that path, until - metaphorically speaking - she possessed the means for me to return to being the man I wanted to be, and refused to give it to me.

It took me a long time, and a lot of anger and pain, until I realized what I needed to do. But once I accepted my responsibility, I was able to be free of the situation and clearly judge whether she was a woman I really wanted with me.

 

[Skills]

I'm going to give a different perspective here. I think the most beneficial thing you can do for yourself (and, incidentally, for her) would be to contact her and express your regret for being cold with her in the relationship with complete honesty. And then move on from her.

Do you know most men do this already, they send (i even this this) block of text, voicemails, take them out to dinner for closure... ----> this in turn will push her more away, and she will show and brag about this to her new dude, or prospects, and to her female friends....Op please don't do this thank you!

 

[Will_V]

Do you know most men do this already, they send (i even this this) block of text, voicemails, take them out to dinner for closure... ----> this in turn will push her more away, and she will show and brag about this to her new dude, or prospects, and to her female friends....

The difference is that you are not doing it to try to get her back. You are doing it as an expression of your principles.

I do not advocate taking her to dinner or even seeing her in person. A text or voice message is how it needs to be, and you don't even have to respond if she replies.

It is not a gift to her or an act of chasing her. It offers her nothing except the truth, and expects nothing from her in return. It is in fact a gift to yourself, so that you can rest assured that the situation was no worse than it needed to be on your account, and as such, you can move on.

As a man, your character is either integrated or disintegrated by how well your actions conform to your own principles, and, in my experience anyway, there's nothing more wretched than a man who wrecks a relationship with a woman he loves, and is too afraid of damaging his ego to shoulder the burden of the truth.

In my case, I realized we weren't compatible enough to continue, and our ways of resolving conflict clashed too much. But it was still necessary to do it, and even now I consider it one of the defining moments of my life.

 

[Skills]

The difference is that you are not doing it to try to get her back. You are doing it as an expression of your principles.

I do not advocate taking her to dinner or even seeing her in person. A text or voice message is how it needs to be, and you don't even have to respond if she replies.

It is not a gift to her or an act of chasing her. It offers her nothing except the truth, and expects nothing from her in return. It is in fact a gift to yourself, so that you can rest assured that the situation was no worse than it needed to be on your account, and as such, you can move on.

As a man, your character is either integrated or disintegrated by how well your actions conform to your own principles, and, in my experience anyway, there's nothing more wretched than a man who wrecks a relationship with a woman he loves, and is too afraid of damaging his ego to shoulder the burden of the truth.

In my case, I realized we weren't compatible enough to continue, and our ways of resolving conflict clashed too much. But it was still necessary to do it, and even now I consider it one of the defining moments of my life.

i see, as a way to go through the healing process, uhmmm! interesting, i may have done this indirectly...(block of text)... I seen women do this when i get rid of them... thank you for the clarification..

 

[Will_V]

i see, as a way to go through the healing process, uhmmm! interesting, i may have done this indirectly...(block of text)... I seen women do this when i get rid of them... thank you for the clarification..

Yes, it is really an act of taking responsibility and ownership. Many women don't do this very well at all (nor do many men, for that matter) and it seems to me that both men and women who feel like losers often fake something of the sort, but it is really just desperation to get the other back.

The difference lies within the person who does it, because since it is an expression of their own truth, the only one who suffers from being dishonest about it is themselves.

 

[Skills]

Yes, it is really an act of taking responsibility and ownership. Many women don't do this very well at all (nor do many men, for that matter) and it seems to me that both men and women who feel like losers often fake something of the sort, but it is really just desperation to get the other back.

The difference lies within the person who does it, because since it is an expression of their own truth, the only one who suffers from being dishonest about it is themselves.

here is the caviat with this type of advise.... let say the op does this, she responds, she then responds, he responds, its a very risky stuff...

Lets say she does not respond... Op has onitis at she may be on the "why she did not respond" suspense type behavior, and actually backfire the whole thing... that is why i really understand what you are trying to do, but with the newer guys (i know you are not, i vote for chase to raise your ranking btw), it could backfired...

 

[Will_V]

here is the caviat with this type of advise.... let say the op does this, she responds, he then responds, he responds, its a very risky stuff...

Lets say she does not respond... Op has onitis at she may be on the "why she did not respond" suspense type behavior, and actually backfire the whole thing... that is why i really understand what you are trying to do, but with the newer guys (i know you are not, i vote for chase to raise your ranking btw), it could backfired...

You are absolutely right, but I believe the risk is not with her but his own emotions. The reason I think it's still a good idea is because (and I'm really just guessing here, @Darius correct me if I'm wrong) the lack of enjoyment of being with other girls is partly because he faults himself for something he did - not necessarily because he wants her back.

For many of us, the enjoyment of taking girls to bed, and doing all the wonderful things we do with them, comes from knowing that we do not have to cause them unnecessary hurt or take advantage of their trust to do it. And when doubts about this creep in, because of something we do in anger or fear, it can cause a lot of internal conflict.

In the end, every man must decide for himself what he thinks is right. But if he thinks something is right and doesn't do it for any reason, that's when he is letting himself down.

 

[Darius]

Honestly for me, I love the idea. And I love the principles behind it.

Will, it's exactly the same thing I went through, and the same conclusion. This girl put me in front of everything, chores, school (med school no less), even her family. She effectively handed her life over to me. And I turned from a king into a tyrant. I used her for my own ego and purposes a lot of times without even considering her well-being. Which is why she ended up in auto-rejection and hating my guts, and started disrespecting me and so forced me to break it off.

This is gonna sound cheesy as fuck. But I want to write her a letter and say that I am indeed sorry for what I did and take responsibility. It would release a huge boulder of guilt and pain that I still have over this relationship. And there's pretty much no way she'll respond to that unless she wants to be my pen-pal lol.

Edit: took the words out of my mouth @Will_V

 

[Skills]

You are absolutely right, but I believe the risk is not with her but his own emotions. The reason I think it's still a good idea is because (and I'm really just guessing here, @Darius correct me if I'm wrong) the lack of enjoyment of being with other girls is partly because he faults himself for something he did - not necessarily because he wants her back.

For many of us, the enjoyment of taking girls to bed, and doing all the wonderful things we do with them, comes from knowing that we do not have to cause them unnecessary hurt or take advantage of their trust to do it. And when doubts about this creep in, because of something we do in anger or fear, it can cause a lot of internal conflict.

In the end, every man must decide for himself what he thinks is right. But if he thinks something is right and doesn't do it for any reason, that's when he is letting himself down.

the lack of "enjoyment" with being with other women, like i have been saying for a while, is cause the other "new women" can not replicate the same emotions that he had with the girl he had a "pair bond" this is normal and natural and this happens to everybody, also since he is emotionally connected he will not see the new women as "worthy/hot" in his "love eyes" as the previous women....

Again, i agree but could backfire, cutting contact, is the best advise proven and field tested through time, every type contact could have the potential of re- living pain from 0 again.... I even seen this with top seducer dudes...(no to mention names)

 

[Darius]

I ended up sending her a voice message (was too lazy to write everything on paper and go to the post lol). It felt incredibly cathartic, and I'm happy I did it. I feel like myself again.

It sounded super cucky and apologetic, and it may go around the social circle like @Skills said, meaning i'll take a massive value hit... but I'm okay with that. I get my old self back, and my attraction for women in general is back again. I finally moved on, with a better understanding and love of them than when I started. Which is what we're here for in the end.

Thank you for all the messages guys. This would not have been possible without you.

Darius

 

[Skills]

I ended up sending her a voice message (was too lazy to write everything on paper and go to the post lol). It felt incredibly cathartic, and I'm happy I did it. I feel like myself again.

It sounded super cucky and apologetic, and it may go around the social circle like @Skills said, meaning i'll take a massive value hit... but I'm okay with that. I get my old self back, and my attraction for women in general is back again. I finally moved on, with a better understanding and love of them than when I started. Which is what we're here for in the end.

Thank you for all the messages guys. This would not have been possible without you.

Darius

Uhmmm nah you have not moved on and is ok it takes time. .. just go no contact and avoid social circle when she is there, also women like to flirt/fuck around with you with new guys is a shit test..

P.s. edited I meant fuck around not fuck