Second Transformation

[Proper]

Went out for Cold Approach today.

Goals:
- 8 sets
- give my name out at least once
- ask for a number at least once

Didn't reach my goal, but wasn't terrible either.

Sets:
1) Saw a caucasian girl in the subway station reading a book I had read. I approached her and told her I loved that book. She seemed very warm and friendly. I talked a little bit, but quickly ejected and told her to have a nice day. I think I should have tried to keep talking.
2) Saw a bunch of people in line for something, asked a girl what it was all for.
3) Walked by a caucasian woman and told her "pretty outfit". She didn't even look at me. I think I should have paused my forward momentum to deliver the opener. It was a bit too much of a "drive by opener".
A little after this, I was at an intersection, looked behind me to see a caucasian girl, then I walked forward. I let her pass me, and as she passed, she fixed her hair once. I think this was an approach invitation, very subtle though? I didn't act on it.
4) Saw a girl reading an Octavia Butler book. I walked up to her, waited until she looked up, and said I loved that book. She was very warm and friendly. We chatted a bit about the book, but then I ejected out of the conversation. I think I should have kept talking, but I just felt super awkward. Also, my approach to her could have been more diagonal. I feel like I walked straight up to her.
5) Told a caucasian girl waiting in line that her dog is cute
6) Was waiting at a crosswalk intersection and saw an asian girl. I approached her from the side, waited until she looked up, and told her "I like your outfit, it's very stylish". She responded "oh thanks". I also made a comment about the cheesecake store whose bag she was holding. Her response to me was very neutral/lukewarm, perhaps she has a boyfriend or didn't like my looks. Either way, I think I should have tried to continue the conversation a bit more.
7) Walked by an Indian girl, told her her dog was very cute. She smiled and said thanks. My voice sounded very muffled and unclear, so I'm surprised she actually heard me. I guess my side approach and presence were good.

So I didn't get up to 8 sets, was too exhausted. I also didn't give my name out, or ask for any numbers, so no progress there (even a regression from last week).

Overall, I'm way more comfortable delivering an opener, especially to stationary girls. One particular weakness I have is opening a girl coming at me on the street. There were quite a few sets that I missed out on that seemed perfect for this. I think next time I will walk past her, then turn around quickly, and open her from the side with a side wave and "hi".

The other big thing I'm working on is continuing to talk after delivering the opener. I need to get better at making small chitchat, and eventually deep diving a bit, and asking for numbers.

Total sets: 27

 

[Proper]

Another full day of Cold Approach.

Goals for today:
- 7 sets
- Direct Open a girl from the front, as we're walking towards eachother on the sidewalk (haven't been able to do this before)

Went to Soho first, but ended up buying stuff and wasn't really feeling it, and was wasting too much time. Went to Chinatown for a bit and didn't find many young girls, then went to Koreatown.

Sets:
1) In Soho, I walked up to the side of a caucasian girl, looked over my shoulder to the right at her, and got her to look at me naturally, so a pre-opener. I could have verbally opened this one, but didn't.
2) Asked an Asian girl in the subway station when the train is coming. She answered my question, but wasn't warm or receptive at all.
3) In the same train station, I walked near a well dressed caucasian girl, trying to elicit an approach invitation, and as I came near, she gave an approach invitation by fixing her hair, and looking around a little bit. After just 1.5 seconds, she walked away. I should have opened this one.
4) Outside Koreatown, I told an asian girl walking towards me "cute outfit", with a loud assertive tone and with eye contact, and a slight pause in my step. She replied "Thanks!" and we kept moving. I should have paused more, and introduced myself. But this was actually my first direct opener in the front, which is great!
5) Walked to the side of a caucasian girl while she was walking. I turned to her, said "I like your outfit, very stylish". She smiled warmly, and said thank you very much. I should have introduced myself.
6) I told an asian girl in front of me "cute outfit". She looked away and kept walking, despite me pausing and looking at her and making eye contact, so I'm not sure what happened here.
7) Elicited another approach invitation. An asian girl was walking into the store with her boyfriend, and I eyed her intensely. She made eye contact with me, then looked away, then fixed her hair a few times.
8) told an asian girl her dog is really cute
9) Walked to the right side of an asian girl (have only done left so far), semi waved to her, then said "I like your outfit". She said thanks, and quickly and dismissively walked away.
10) An asian girl was standing perpendicular on the sidewalk. I walked up to her, and told her "I like your outfit". She then took off her earbuds, said "I'm sorry?" I repeated, then she said "oh thanks" then walked away. She wasn't interested.
11) While almost home, I told a Caucasian lady walking next to me on the crosswalk "cute outfit". She then looked down at herself, as if questioning "what am I wearing that's cute", which I thought was funny. Then she replied "oh thanks", and kept walking.

So overall, a success. I managed to do more than 7 sets, I managed to direct open a girl from the front, and the majority of my opens were "cute outfit" or "stylish outfit", which is better than most of them being indirect openers.

I think I'm getting quite a bit more comfortable with delivering a compliment direct opener, and side-openers are getting a good response. My front openers still need a bit of work, as sometimes the girl ignores me, or we keep walking.

Next time, I also really need to followup the opener. It's a great achievement that I'm able to non-awkwardly open girls now, now I just need to keep talking to them.

Total sets: 38

 

[mirj23]

I recently got back into cold approaching (similar time frame as you), and was debating about starting a journal. Read through yours and its funny how similar some of the experiences are. I've had some lays/casual relationships come from daygame in the past (and 2 from my most recent venture into daygame). Even so, it is incredibly difficult sometimes.

Wanted to say a couple of things in case you needed any reinforcement:

You're clearly progressing, and I think that is the biggest thing when it comes to AA. Can't wait for you to have some real tangible success from daygame. Sometimes I'll be out on a date with a girl and find myself thinking, "Damn, its kind of crazy that I caused us to get together." In the past, I had often felt like I was kind of a passive participant in seduction, so it is sometimes still an odd feeling. Hopefully you can use the intermediate progress that you've made as ammunition (use the first number to motivate you to get a first date, and the first date to motivate you further, etc.).

I also think that you are clearly mindful of appearing creepy. I think too much of this just fuels avoidance, but you really really don't want to be the person who doesn't recognize societal norms and gets yelled at or whatever. Its never happened to me, but I've read some posts on here about it, and I've seen some infield footage that makes me cringe a ton, so I think its great that you are mindful of it (and also mindful of when that just becomes an excuse, its obviously a fine line). Nothing that you have written has at all made me feel like you are even close to the "creepy" line btw, in case I wasn't clear.

None of this comes from the place of an expert (I'd consider myself an intermediate), but I've had some lays from what you're doing, and certainly relate to the anxiety/ejecting out of sets that you really should have stayed in. I feel like a complete fuck head when some cute girl reacts super warmly to a compliment, and I just let her resume walking like an idiot.

Super curious to see where you go from here, hopefully we can both eliminate the majority of the lingering anxiety, or at least get it to a point where it isn't inhibiting us at all.

 

[Proper]

I recently got back into cold approaching (similar time frame as you), and was debating about starting a journal. Read through yours and its funny how similar some of the experiences are. I've had some lays/casual relationships come from daygame in the past (and 2 from my most recent venture into daygame). Even so, it is incredibly difficult sometimes.

Wanted to say a couple of things in case you needed any reinforcement:

You're clearly progressing, and I think that is the biggest thing when it comes to AA. Can't wait for you to have some real tangible success from daygame. Sometimes I'll be out on a date with a girl and find myself thinking, "Damn, its kind of crazy that I caused us to get together." In the past, I had often felt like I was kind of a passive participant in seduction, so it is sometimes still an odd feeling. Hopefully you can use the intermediate progress that you've made as ammunition (use the first number to motivate you to get a first date, and the first date to motivate you further, etc.).

I also think that you are clearly mindful of appearing creepy. I think too much of this just fuels avoidance, but you really really don't want to be the person who doesn't recognize societal norms and gets yelled at or whatever. Its never happened to me, but I've read some posts on here about it, and I've seen some infield footage that makes me cringe a ton, so I think its great that you are mindful of it (and also mindful of when that just becomes an excuse, its obviously a fine line). Nothing that you have written has at all made me feel like you are even close to the "creepy" line btw, in case I wasn't clear.

None of this comes from the place of an expert (I'd consider myself an intermediate), but I've had some lays from what you're doing, and certainly relate to the anxiety/ejecting out of sets that you really should have stayed in. I feel like a complete fuck head when some cute girl reacts super warmly to a compliment, and I just let her resume walking like an idiot.

Super curious to see where you go from here, hopefully we can both eliminate the majority of the lingering anxiety, or at least get it to a point where it isn't inhibiting us at all.

Really appreciate the thoughtful words of encouragement. It does feel like a "nose to the anonymous grindstone" at times, and it's nice to hear a bit of validation from a third party.

Will be happy to continue posting about where I go from here!

 

[Proper]

Day 6 of Cold Approaches

Met a girl on dating apps a few weeks ago, and she spent the night last night, which was nice. It would have been so easy to hang out with her all day, but there was no way I was going to be complacent, so I literally kicked a willing girl out of my apartment, to go out and get beaten down by strangers hahaha. That's dedication.

With that said, I started the day with a pretty good mindset/testosterone level, went to Koreatown again, my usual place. In a really funny swing of events, there were other "approachers" on my turf today, luckily they were approaching for different reasons. There was a pair of women handing out skincare samples, two young cute girls and 2 older korean couples who were all trying to spread the word of Christ or something along those lines. I almost approached the cute young girls, which would have been pretty awkward haha.

My goal for today was to give my name out and actually have a conversation, which I didn't get to achieve last week. I almost made it, but didn't quite.

Onto the sets:
1) Told a Caucasian woman her dog is cute. She didn't respond to me
2) Walked by a Caucasian woman from the side, said "your outfit is really cute". She looked, said "thank you", then looked away and kept walking
3) Stopping at a crosswalk intersection, I told a girl "cute outfit". She responded "thanks". Then I paused for a bit, and said "cold day today", she gave some respond I couldn't hear, then asked "how's your day going". I responded "getting some snacks in koreatown". I asked her "if she's carrying grocery bags", she said "yep", I asked "H mart", she said "yep". Then I ejected and said "have a good day", and she responded "you too". This was exactly the time to continue the set, and to introduce myself and give my name, but I chickened out and ejected the moment I felt the tiniest bit of awkwardness.
4) Told a Caucasian girl standing on the side "cute outfit", but she looked away just as I talked, and didn't hear me.

It's at this point that I made a revelation. The side approaches work really well for me because it's lower pressure. She's continuing to walk, I'm continuing to walk, she has the choice to respond, or not, or say thanks, and then keep walking. It's way lower pressure compared to a "stop and talk" front direct approach. And I was also having a lot of difficulty giving a direct approach compliment from the front without us passing by each other too fast. So I realized I can "cheat" by turning all my front approaches into side approaches. Basically when a girl is coming at me from the front, I don't make eye contact, walk past her a bit, and then turn around and re-engage from the side

5) Time to put it to the test. Saw a slow walking Caucasian woman. Walked past her, turned around, re-engaged from the side. I told her "cute outfit, I like the coat". She responded "oh thanks" very warmly with a warm smile. I should have kept the set going! I think I was running on endorphins a bit from successfully doing the front -> side approach tactic.
6) Another front -> side approach. Saw an asian girl, opened her from the side and told her "cute outfit, I like your jacket". She took off her earphones, then I repeated. She smiled, flicked her hair, and said "oh thank you!" very warmly and enthusiastically. Then I just ejected and looked away.... This would have been a perfect set continuation as well!
7) Saw a caucasian woman coming out of the subway. Stalked her a tiny bit, walked to the side, and said "cute outfit". She didn't at first register what I had said, probably because she was wearing earphones. But then she responded "oh thank you" then walked away.
8) Did another front turnaround side approach on an Asian girl, told her "cute outfit". She responded "hmmmm?", then kept walking. I guess I sorta botched this interaction, but at least it wasn't startling or creepy or awkward. I probably should have increased the forcefulness of my tone a bit.

So, overall quite an improvement on several aspects:
- I figured out a way to handle front approaches (cheat and turn them into side approaches). The other really nice thing about this tactic is that it gives me a few extra seconds to compose myself as I'm walking to catch up to her. Rather than needing to open immediately at exactly the right moment during a front approach.
- Out of 8 approaches today, 3 had very warm responses, which is an incredible response rate! If I could have continued the conversations, maybe I'd have 3 numbers today!
- It was a slow start, but the last 5 approaches went very rapid-fire, so my approach anxiety has definitely lowered, and this is becoming more of a "numbers thing" to me.

As I'm starting to get more comfortable with the opener. I reallllly need to work on staying in the set. That will be my next focus.


Total Sets: 48

 

[Proper]

Day 7 of Cold Approaches

Was pretty tired socially, as I invited friends over the previous night, and had lunch with friends again this afternoon, but I pushed myself to do Cold Approaches today anyway. Went to Koreatown as usual.

Goal for today: Introduce my name to one of the sets.

1) The day started off a bit slow and anxious, so I just forced myself to find a girl and open her. This was a very stylishly dressed caucasian girl, and I totally expected to just be blown off. But I complimented her outfit, and she gave me a very warm "oh thank you". Then I let the set go. In my mind it was just a "warmup" set, but this was actually the warmest response I would end up getting all day, so I should have continued this one.
2) Told an Asian girl "I like your outfit, it's very stylish", she said "oh... thanks... then looked down at her phone". She wasn't too interested.
3) Told another Asian girl "I like your outfit". She gave me a very slow "thank youuu", with a smile. It was probably above average warmth, but felt a bit weird.
4) Told another asian girl "cute outfit", but she had earbuds in with loud music, so she didn't realize I opened her.
5) Told another Asian girl "I like your outfit". She looked down at her outfit, and didn't reply, or gave a reply that was so quiet that I couldn't hear it.
6) Walked to the side of an Indian girl and said "I like your outfit" But she had earbuds in, and looked down at her phone right at that moment, so she didn't hear me.
I saw a very pretty girl on the other street, I chased her down a bit, and was about to open her, then suddenly she turned to the side, and I was now in her periphery, and she walked into the CVS. I guess the moral of the story is to move faster, anything can happen. I felt too stalkerish to wait for her to leave CVS to open her haha.
7) Saw a cute girl with her dog, and her older mom. I told her her dog is cute.

So overall I didn't complete my goal of introducing my name to one of the sets, in fact I didn't continue any of the sets beyond just giving the opener, so a bit of a failure in that regard.

But on the bright side:
- 7 sets in 40 minutes, definitely a record. I'm wasting way less time just doing nothing, and I'm more aggressive in chasing down sets and making them happen. I skipped way fewer sets than I use to, mostly due to figuring out the technique of turning around to re-open a girl from the side after she passes me in front.
- Opened my first duo, didn't get blown out
- I feel way less anxious opening girls in general, and getting 7 sets is just "another day of work" rather than this big thing that it used to be.
- Hopefully I can make these direct openers really really natural for me, and then I can focus on the next step in progression, actually staying in the set and chit chatting.

Total sets: 55

 

[Proper]

Day 8 of Cold Approaches

Knowing that it will be raining heavily this weekend, I decided to shift work around and get out for a full Cold Approach session on a Friday, during the twilight/sunset hours. The vibe in Koreatown on a Friday early evening was very similar to a weekend afternoon. I guess I've eliminated the excuse that I can only work on Cold Approaches during the weekend, so from now on I'll probably go out at least 3 times a week (1-2 times on a weeknight).

One thing I noticed though, the vibe became more intense, stressful, and guarded as it transitioned from twilight to full-on night. I honestly rarely noticed the difference as a male in NYC, but because I was very attuned to all the women around me, I could immediately feel that their guards were up higher at night, and opening without startling them was commensurately harder. I realize I'm definitely more of a casual, lazy, mid-afternoon daygamer, as I've really become a morning person recently anyway.

Onto the sets:
1. On the way to Koreatown, while stopped at a crosswalk, told an Asian girl "I like your scarf", she responded "thank you", but didn't seem too warm.
2. There was a very stylish and tall asian girl taking a photo. I told her "I like your outfit, very stylish". She said "thank you", but then looked down at her phone and wasn't interested.
I missed a perfect opportunity to open a pretty Asian girl. I was walking behind her, and about to open her to the side, when she suddenly moved to the side of the sidewalk, and bent down to the ground. I saw that she dropped her earring. I should have offered to help and pick it up for her.
3. Told a girl her dog is cute
4) Walked up to a girl from the side, and said "I like your outfit", she said "I'm sorry?". I repeated, and she said "oh thank you". I realize, when she doesn't hear you at first, it totally kills the vibe and the chance for a warm response.
5) Walked up to a girl waiting for bubble tea, asked what's the best here. She told me she usually gets X. I really didn't know what to say next. Maybe "btw I like your outfit"?
6) While walking across the crosswalk, I told a caucasian girl "I like your shoes", she looked behind and said a quick "thank you", but wasn't very warm.
7) Walked to the side of an Asian girl, told her "I like your outfit". She only eyed me out of the corner of her eyes with suspicion, and gave no response. It was weird. This was definitely the coldest response I've received so far, but I don't think I was particularly startling. I guess sometimes you get really bad responses.
8) Stopped by Whole Foods on the way back, and saw a cute Asian girl with her dog in the aisle. I walked up to her, told her her dog is really cute, then reached into the freezer to get something random. She responded "Oh Thank You", in a pretty warm way actually. This was probably the warmest reaction I got all night. I didn't know what to say next. Maybe "doing Friday night groceries huh?", or "I like your outfit too!". It was nice to get a warm reaction at the groceries though (first time). Also, I realize the best way to casually open at the groceries is wait until she's examining an aisle, then pretend to get something in the aisle next to her.

My goal for this weekend was to give my name out during a conversation, and ask "how's your day going". So that was a failure for tonight so far. I'm plateauing a bit at this phase of "getting comfortable with the opener". I need to push myself to go to the next step of trying to engage in a conversation. I should probably be a bit more bold and try to strike up a conversation even if I don't get the warmest response. My new "excuse factory" is "waiting around for the perfect warmest response", which I know there never is one, just like how I use to "wait around for the perfect girl/situation to open".

Looking back on my progress, I'd say.... it's a mixture of disappointment and contentment. It could be worse. I could still be suffering from crippling approach anxiety weeks in (which I've largely gotten over). It could be better though. I would have thought I'd have 1 number by 50 sets, but the learning curve of going from opener to number is definitely a lot steeper than I thought.

As I mentioned, it will be really raining this weekend, and I have a date from a dating app girl tomorrow afternoon, so I'll try hard to work some approaches in. Would be useful to learn "rain day game" anyway.

Total Sets: 65

 

[Proper]

Day 9 of Cold Approaches

Wow. Right after a disappointing previous night, I broke through some plateaus the next day!

So, as I mentioned previously, it's a rainy weekend, and I was planning to get some situational approaches as I went throughout my day, but wasn't planning to make any real progress since I wasn't devoting specific time to cold approaching. But it seemed that casual mindset really helped me out.

1) On my way to an errand, upon exiting the subway, I spotted a cute, well dressed asian girl coming up the stairs behind me. Once on the surface, I walked up to her and gave her an indirect opener, asking her for directions to ________. She pulled out her phone and showed me the map, and directed me. Then I thanked her. Then we sort of walked to the same intersection waiting for the crossing light, and I re-opened her with "so are you a local?" She responded "yes, but I'm terrible with directions". She then asked me where I come from. I explained I'm from _____, and we continued some light banter about the weather and preferences and how she's planning to move to LA eventually. Somewhere in there, I said "btw I'm ______, and she gave me her name". Unfortunately, at the very next crosswalk, she had to make a right turn, and she already explained to me that I should keep going straight to get to ________, so I kind of froze as to how to continue the interaction. She actually paused quite a bit to give me directions again, I think she was waiting for me to ask her for her number or something. I definitely should have done something, but the interaction was just so new to me, that I really had no idea what to do. Upon reflection, here are some smooth possible actions I should have done:
- Just straight up ask her for her number. Something like "hey, I know this is sort of random, but you seem like a cool person, want to give me your number and we can grab coffee sometime?"
- Tell her, I'm not in a rush, I can keep walking with you
- I should have tried to "cold read" her, and ask if she's Japanese
- Mixed into the conversation, I should have complimented her on her outfit, which would have been a very genuine compliment, because I did like it

So, on a rainy day that I wasn't planning on seriously Cold Approaching, my very first approach satisfied my goal for the weekend, which was to make a name introduction with at least one girl, which signifies we'd have at least a tiny conversation. I was feeling really high and accomplished after this! But the day isn't even over.

2) On the way to another dating app date, I was walking along, and spotted a cute asian girl walking a bit behind me. I started walking slower, and waited until she was almost past me on the left. Then I told her "cute outfit". But she had earphones on and totally didn't hear or acknowledge me (curse apple earpods! Happens to me so often!). So I figured I'd drop this. But then when I got to the actual date location, she was also waiting there for a minute or two. I walked up to her to "re-open" her (just like this morning!), and said "so are you also waiting on late friends like me?" I'm pretty proud of myself for this smooth situational opener that I came up with immediately. She responded yes, and we started a light banter about museums, what kind of museums/art we like, where we come from, what our jobs are, etc. At some point I introduced my name and got her name. This was going quite well, but I didn't think she was super cute, so didn't end up asking for her number. I probably should have just to push myself. But anyway, eventually her friends did meet up with them, and she actually introduced me to them, and I said "don't worry, I'm just a stranger, we just met and were chatting outside. Enjoy your time!".

So I reached a named conversation with 2/2 of the approaches of my day!

3) Feeling pretty high off exceeding my weekend goal, I saw another cute very well dressed asian girl waiting in line. I walked up to her a bit, and gave her a really genuine compliment "I like your jacket, it's really stylish". She didn't hear me because of EARPHONES AGAIN. But when she took them off, I leaned in a bit, and gave her the compliment again, and she warmly replied "thanks". I then walked away, which I probably shouldn't have. BUT, she actually chased me down and RE-OPENED ME! She asked me "are you Korean?" explaining that she just moved from Korea, and is looking for new Korean friends. I explained I'm not, but I can help her with English (*smiled*). She then asked if we can connect over Instagram. And I told her the truth "I'm not on Instagram, but I can give you my number". She then hesitated a bit, and said "I usually need to get to know people first on instagram, then maybe exchange numbers". Which I thought was totally silly, because there's no functional difference between an instagram connection and a phone number (but I of course know what she was getting at, she didn't want to appear too eager, and it seems more casual to exchange instagrams). Anyway, I firmly reasserted "I'm not trying to be creepy or anything, I honestly don't have instagram". She asked "why?". I explained that I think Instagram an social media in general are unhealthy, and I'd rather interact in the real world rather than the virtual world, which she seemed to agree mildly with. Anyway it was funny seeing her hesitate and do some mental calculus again, then she offered to exchange numbers with me and pulled out her phone. I typed my number, then called it. Then on my own phone I texted her back my name. Then I said "well it was nice to meet you, I need to meet my friend now, but please enjoy the event".

I think it was honestly amazing that she re-opened me after I bailed on the set. I owe that to tight fundamentals (fashion improvement, posture, voice tonality, confidence, vibe). And also she could probably sense that I was just feeling great (after having just finished set 2 spectacularly), and it was also a genuine compliment delivered from a genuine place. I was honestly happy after the outcome of set 2, and I wanted to make her happy, rather than "trying to reach a number of compliments, or trying to pick her up". So this really illustrated the power of vibe and inner game to me.

So. My goal this weekend was to give my name out once. I gave my name out 3 times out of 3 approaches today, and all were very warm and natural conversations, and I skipped to the next plateau of getting a number. I got my first number from Cold Approach! On the 68th set! Technically I had gotten 2 cold approach numbers before many years ago, but they never went anywhere, and so I don't really consider them as part of my current journey.

I don't know if the number will actually go anywhere (I'll text her tomorrow), but it's like a massive achievement for me in and of itself.

Total sets: 68
Total name exchanges: 5
Total numbers: 1

I feel like I got really lucky today. I'm trying to post-process what happened ,what I learned from it, and how I can apply this to improve future results.

Thoughts:
- situational openers are dynamite
- not that scary to open a stationary girl (all three were stationary, and I previously avoided these because I felt awkward that both of us didn't have an obvious bailout maneuver (just keep walking)). But somehow I managed to not come off too strong for all three stationary girls today.
- genuine compliments work way better
- it's not that awkward to give my name out!
- maybe I will have better success if I'm casual in my own mind (just on my way doing errands, or meeting up with friends anyway), rather than being in serious "Cold Approach Day Mode"
- be happy and excited to meet the girl, rather than scared and anxious! This unintentional inner mindset caused an "unbelievable to me miracle" on the 3rd set, where she basically gave me her own number.

 

[Sapphophire]

If you wanted to have sex with her, what was 'sincere' about not escalating? The reason she wants to be friends is because you weren't sincere, and broke her trust.

Good on you for realizing what you did wrong and cracking on with your journey, I would just suggest to paying attention to your own perceptions of women and sex, and learn to accept what you want without self-judgement.

Female pov: I disagree. I think you were smart. sounds like it was a great connection in person but she didn't like your text game. In a pre-texting era she would have shown up again to find out what's next.

If you had sex with her, she could very easily have written you off as 'just like all the others.'

 

[Will_V]

Female pov: I disagree. I think you were smart. sounds like it was a great connection in person but she didn't like your text game. In a pre-texting era she would have shown up again to find out what's next.

You're looking at things selectively. The fact that 'being sincere' is connected with 'not having sex' already hints that there is an incorrect assumption about how females look at sex - that it is insincere if done too fast. And on top of this, you have not seen that this very action precipitated the neediness and desperation that followed, the desperation of a man fighting his own desire in an attempt to be virtuous.

If you had sex with her, she could very easily have written you off as 'just like all the others.'

'Just like all the others' - are you trying to tell me that the typical experience of a woman with an interested male (who she didn't meet on the dance floor of a grungy club in Vegas) is him leading her quickly to sex? that ain't what I'm seeing all around.

Also, you've taken the male after-sex perspective and cast it as the female one (which is not surprising, women usually operate with reference to the male perspective). It is a man who typically judges a woman negatively for 'allowing' herself to move too fast with him - which is a ridiculous notion conceived by a society of people who are not in touch with themselves, their desires, and the many dimensions of sexual attraction. But I have never seen a woman devalue a man based on how much he desires her - quite the opposite, in fact.

A woman might preemptively autoreject if she feels that the man views her a certain way the morning after, but again, it's a case of her trying to predict the man's perspective and save herself from hurt. If he wants to keep her around, it's the man's job to manage that and set the right frame - one where she feels safe, understood, and valued - immediately after they've slept together. In my experience, that's the only assurance she needs to feel happy continuing with him into whatever type of relationship happens to emerge.

 

[Proper]

Another day of Cold Approach reporting

Going to stop numbering them (but will keep a count of results), because they're not really "days" anymore. I'm beginning to work them in basically whenever I leave the apartment, which is a good thing. And also, I seem to get the best results when I'm not actively going out for Cold Approach, but rather on my way to something when I spot a cute girl.

So as I mentioned last week, I would try to work Cold Approach into the middle of the week, since I no longer have the excuse that it's only a weekend thing.

Onto the sets:
1) Went to the mall to pickup an item and try on some clothing in the middle of the day. It was pretty deserted, but saw a pretty asian girl walking very slowly on the second floor. I walked up to her, and told her "I like your outfit, it's very stylish". She looked at me, and clearly heard me, but then just looked away and totally ignored me. I'm not really sure what happened. Maybe she was just surprised because strangers don't compliment her in the mall that often and she had no idea how to react. I didn't sense any fear or discomfort from her. Anyway, I just walked away.
2) While walking on the 2nd floor, I saw a cute asian girl at a directory. I asked her if where's the nearest exit. She responded relatively warmly that she didn't know the place well. I didn't continue the set, but I probably should have.
3) While on the subway, I sat down about 3 feet away from a woman, looked at her, and told her "cool mask", because she had an interesting pattern on it. She seemed to remove her earbuds, then I repeated it, and she just ignored me without responding.
4) While walking out of the subway, I saw a cute asian girl just standing waiting for the train. I was going to open her, but the train started moving and was extremely loud, and I was already in motion, so it would have been too awkward to stop walking, stand there, wait for the train to leave, and then open her, especially since I was in her frontal field of vision, so I walked past her and let it go. But then she started walking out of the station as well. I slowed down a bit, let her pass to the side of me, then complimented her "I like your outfit, it's very stylish". She told me her outfit is just for work. I asked what work? She said she worked at the Rolex store. She said her normal outfit is way less dressy/professional. We chitchatted more, about my job, and California, and NYC. After about half a block, she said "I have to go that way", and pointed left. I was too new, and just said okay, nice to meet you, and waved her goodbye. I really should have asked for her number but I didn't have the balls. I then looked at my phone to find out where I'm supposed to go, and so I turned around and walked to the intersection. The girl came to the same intersection, and greeted me. It seems we were both lost in the conversation and were going the wrong way... This was fate giving me THREE CHANCES (passed her on the subway, then didn't ask for her number as she was pausing to go left, and now she was once again at the intersection). So I sorta awkwardly threw my hands up, and said "now that we're at the same place again, want to meet again sometime?". She gave me a very warm smile and said "sure", and took out her phone to exchange numbers. We exchanged numbers, then continued walking a bit. I told her which restaurant I'm going to, and she said she loves that place. We continued chitchatting a bit until we parted ways. Then I hugged her and said "see you soon".

So, got my second number 4 approaches later. The first number has been proven not to be a total fluke! In both numbers, I was on my way to a dating app date when I got the number. Something about the vibe and carefree excitement of being on my way to a date seems to make my response rate wayyy batter.

Total Sets: 72
Total Conversations: 6
Total Numbers: 2

 

[Proper]

Another weekend, had 2 dating app dates today, but spent the intervening time on Cold Approach.

My goal for today was simple, forget about the number of sets, try to get at least 1 conversation.

Went to Koreatown again, but it felt distinctly different this time. For all the previous "Cold Approach Outings", my mindset was to flail around with these approaches, acclimatize myself to them, and hopefully do a bit of subconscious experimentation and reprogramming. But this time, because I had 2 successful approaches convert into numbers, I had a mental model of what I was trying to recreate. Overall I felt much more at ease, focused, and motivated.

There were a lot of Church people there this weekend haha, I actually got approached by two sets of them, trying to bring Jesus into my life.

The sets:
1) Walking across an intersection, I told a caucasian woman that I like her coat. She had earbuds in and didn't hear me. If I really wanted to get her attention, I need to get a bit more in front of her and turn to her in her field of vision.
2) In a bakery, walked up to a Korean lady and said "You seem like an expert here. Which ones are the best?" She pointed at one of the bread pastries, but wasn't super warm.
I missed one set, and learned something from it. Saw a cute girl coming towards me, and I did my "turnaround approach", but I spent too long doing it, and just as I was about to approach her, she turned into a doorway and entered her apartment complex. I think I need to modify my turnaround approach so I turnaround right after passing her, or maybe as I'm passing her, and not waste opportunities.
3) Saw another pretty girl and did a turn around approach. I told her "I like your outfit, it's very stylish". She said "oh thank you", then looked down quickly, which seemed like an indication that she wasn't interested, but I'm not completely sure. Perhaps something about my body language gave her the impression that all I wanted to do was compliment her? Maybe I should have tried to extend the set?
4) Struck up a conversation with a girl waiting for her food at the food court. I asked her which is the best, and we talked a bit about them, but I didn't feel too much of a spark.
5) Told a caucasian woman standing around that I like her outfit. She did a sideways glance and said thank you. I think this was my fault because I sorta kept walking as I delivered the opener. Maybe if I slowed down more, it would have indicated that I wanted to stay around and keep talking.
6) Told a woman looking at her phone stopped on the side of the street "I like your coat". She said "thank you", then looked down at her phone quickly. So she didn't seem interested, but she wasn't cold either.

It's at this point that I got too cold/tired, and decided to grab something to eat, then head to the bookstore to wait until my dinner date.

7) At the bookstore is where I achieved my goal for the day. I saw a stylish Indian woman browsing books. I couldn't really think of a smooth way to open her, but then I realized I read the book she was holding. So I just walked up to her and said "I read the book your holding, 'The Disappearing Earth'". She asked me how it was, and we bantered about the book a bit, then talked about San Francisco vs. New York a bit, food culture, etc. At some point we exchanged names warmly. Later on, her boyfriend came over, and she introduced me to him (I didn't know she was taken since they weren't browsing the store together). A little while after seeing the boyfriend, I ejected and said "nice to meet you both". If she wasn't taken, I definitely would have asked for her number, and probably would have gotten it.

So a successful day overall!

Total Sets: 79
Total Conversations: 7
Total Numbers: 2

 

[Lofty]

Hey @mtman,

Cool to see your consistency here. Approaching is something most guys just don't do, so congrats on working towards a better sex life than all of them. Especially since you're already having success with dating apps, it's great that you're adamant about adding a stream of women flowing to your bed by way of cold approach.

Reading through your journal, I'd recommend that you read this article on transition phases. It looks like you're all good with getting yourself to approach, so I'd say the next step would be to work on hooking. Also committing yourself fully to the interaction. You're already doing the approach, so why stop at just the opener? It seems that you've realized at points that this can get a little inefficient. Imagine if your approach-to-number close ratio went way down... that'd be nice, right?

Since it seems that you like bottom-lining your progress, I'd also recommend that you consider breaking it down not by conversations, but by the transition phases explained in that linked article. @Bacchus discusses this concept further in one of the GirlsChase podcasts.

Lastly, make sure to explore the vast number of resources available around GirlsChase and this forum.

Trust me - doing so will significantly expedite your learning process.

 

[Proper]

Just another checkin before the weekend.

Had my first date from Cold Approach last week! And brought her back to my place, and began physically escalating. Didn't seal the deal, because she had to go home to let her dog out. I probably should have persisted more, but we're probably seeing each other again next week. So busted through some more plateaus, and was within spitting distance of my initial goal (get a cold approach lay before I get the vaccine).

Anyway, throughout the week I've stayed true to my attempts to work Cold Approach through my everyday life. The sets:

1) On the way to that date last week, I saw a stylish caucasian woman on the subway waiting for the train. I walked about 4 feet away from her, in her periphery, waited for her to look up at me, then told her "I like your coat". She quickly smiled and replied "thanks", then I said "it's very stylish", and she said "thanks again", then sorta quickly looked away politely.

Maybe I should have persisted in the conversation? idk, it seemed a lukewarm rather than warm reaction. Either way, I demonstrated well the "pre-open" which definitely improved things. And this was also my first direct opener in a subway. I previously had trouble getting rid of the "creeper on the subway" vibe.

2) Once again at Whole Foods, I walked up to an Asian girl and told her "I like your skirt, nice pattern". She made eye contact super briefly then ignored me. Maybe she couldn't hear me due to earbuds, or maybe she chose to ignore me. Anyway, nice that I'm able to open at the groceries, whereas I use to have trouble with that.
3) On the walk back, a black woman crossed paths with me, and I kept walking forward. She ACTUALLY DID MY MOVE (the turnaround and re-open from the side). A few moments later, I heard from the side "Excuse me?". I looked to my right. She asked "do you know where the Starbucks is?". I contemplated for a bit, and then answered "haha sorry, honestly I don't know". Then the interaction ended. I was too surprised by what happened, and only realized what was happening after the fact.

If she really just wanted directions, she would have kept walking straight, and stopped the next random person. It's quite an effort to turn 180 degrees, walk quickly up to someone speeding away from you, and ask for directions, and then afterwards feign continuing on in that direction (which is where she just came from).

So I guess she really liked my fashion or vibe, and wanted to open me. Maybe black woman might be more likely to approach a guy directly? Idk, need more data points.

The following day I went out to Whole Foods again, and couldn't open anyone, let 3 sets pass:
a cute asian girl at the meat counter, a cute girl seated near the subway, a girl I was intending to open, walked up to her, but she suddenly turned left into my path and walked into the subway. I looked back at her and saw her fix her hair several times, which was an approach invitation. Even though I was going straight, I should have followed her down into the subway to open her...

Anyway, weekend coming up. Interestingly, all this Cold Approach has subconsciously improved my dating app game. I hypothesize there are several reasons:
1) Doing soooo many sets puts me into the "probability mindset", where it's just a numbers game and I don't get hung up on any one individual girl. I think that manifests in me being less try-hard in my dating app texts, more casual and smooth, and I give off more of a "I'm not desperate for girls on this app, I can meet them in real life, but this is just a supplement" vibe.
2) Actually going through Cold Approach -> number -> setup date for the first time, gives me a different perspective on how this could work. It's kind of like I've been too tunnel visioned into the dating app match -> number -> setup date flow, and now I have a wider perspective.
3) My timing around texts has naturally become more attractive, as I've become busier with girls and cold approach

So I have 4 dates this weekend, maybe 5, and I'm reaching a point where I'll have to tone down the dating app dates so I still have enough time to do Cold Approach.

Total Sets: 82
Total Conversations: 7
Total Numbers: 2
Total Dates: 1

 

[Will_V]

Nice work! Good you're having fun.

Just another checkin before the weekend.

1) On the way to that date last week, I saw a stylish caucasian woman on the subway waiting for the train. I walked about 4 feet away from her, in her periphery, waited for her to look up at me, then told her "I like your coat". She quickly smiled and replied "thanks", then I said "it's very stylish", and she said "thanks again", then sorta quickly looked away politely.

Just on this point, it's always good to have a couple of clear steps in mind so you don't blank or compliment her too much.

The opener is merely a way to get to the point where you start finding out about her, for example the bit where you go "I'm mtman, what's your name?". So the compliment is just a way to catch her attention and make her stop and feel good before you get to that important part.

 

[Mr STIF]

I recently got back into cold approaching (similar time frame as you), and was debating about starting a journal. Read through yours and its funny how similar some of the experiences are. I've had some lays/casual relationships come from daygame in the past (and 2 from my most recent venture into daygame). Even so, it is incredibly difficult sometimes.

Wanted to say a couple of things in case you needed any reinforcement:

You're clearly progressing, and I think that is the biggest thing when it comes to AA. Can't wait for you to have some real tangible success from daygame. Sometimes I'll be out on a date with a girl and find myself thinking, "Damn, its kind of crazy that I caused us to get together." In the past, I had often felt like I was kind of a passive participant in seduction, so it is sometimes still an odd feeling. Hopefully you can use the intermediate progress that you've made as ammunition (use the first number to motivate you to get a first date, and the first date to motivate you further, etc.).

I also think that you are clearly mindful of appearing creepy. I think too much of this just fuels avoidance, but you really really don't want to be the person who doesn't recognize societal norms and gets yelled at or whatever. Its never happened to me, but I've read some posts on here about it, and I've seen some infield footage that makes me cringe a ton, so I think its great that you are mindful of it (and also mindful of when that just becomes an excuse, its obviously a fine line). Nothing that you have written has at all made me feel like you are even close to the "creepy" line btw, in case I wasn't clear.

None of this comes from the place of an expert (I'd consider myself an intermediate), but I've had some lays from what you're doing, and certainly relate to the anxiety/ejecting out of sets that you really should have stayed in. I feel like a complete fuck head when some cute girl reacts super warmly to a compliment, and I just let her resume walking like an idiot.

Super curious to see where you go from here, hopefully we can both eliminate the majority of the lingering anxiety, or at least get it to a point where it isn't inhibiting us at all.

Nice motivational post, Man. That part were you feel like a fuckhead for ejecting from warm sets happened to me a couple of times until I was able to shed that nice guy vibe.

You're just being overly polite by giving yourself excuses and letting her walk by(she might be late for work that's why she's walking fast I don't want to disturb her). Mehn! Screw those damn lower self thoughts and vibrate on a higher frequency.

I remembered once, a curvy legged doll I saw infield while trying to practice. I wasn't warmed up yet I even contemplated teasing her(trying to get her attention). I teased her and she giggled, I slowed down my walk instead of walking with her to create that liminal bubble.

At first, I didn't even know if she giggled but she walked a few steps ahead of me, turned back and smiled in a way that seeked my attention.

I got really mad at myself that day, I just fucking cut off that nice guy vibe. I still remember that missed opportunity, it stings me in the chest even as I type.

 

[Mr STIF]

Nice work! Good you're having fun.



Just on this point, it's always good to have a couple of clear steps in mind so you don't blank or compliment her too much.

The opener is merely a way to get to the point where you start finding out about her, for example the bit where you go "I'm mtman, what's your name?". So the compliment is just a way to catch her attention and make her stop and feel good before you get to that important part.

thanks @Will-V. Push-pull works well for me when starting conversations with sets in cold approach.

Me: I like your jacket!
Her: Thanks!
Me: It's stylish
Her: Thanks
Me: reminds me of mine in university days.(I touch the jacket)
Her: haha..
Me: is this also your favourite colour?

Another scenario

Me: I like your jacket!
Her: Thanks!
Me: it's stylish
Her: Thanks
Me: it reminds me of one of my jackets. I really rocked it in my uni days.(touching the jacket) Haha
Her: haha.. How many jackets did you have altogether?
Me: about 5 or 6. But I just prefer to wear that one most time.
Her: I guess you had a thing for that jacket.. Oh poor jacket! Haha

Your first statement.. 'I like your jacket' was about her. She replied shortly without leaving it open for you to continue. The second one was about her also and she replied the same way again.

In these scenarios, I remember I'm totally a new person in her mind so she's gonna be shy and not open to conversations. So, I'll continue by talking about myself. I

Why about myself? Well it's called push-pull. Check out the second scenario where she said thanks, twice to me. I just went off on a rampage about my uni days jacket and she's into the conversation asking me about my wardrobe and consoling me for my long lost jacket.

And mind you- I'm always trying my best to add kino within the first 45seconds to one minute(thats why I'm touching the jacket).

Cold approach is a game and you don't just use your verbal skills in this game.

You gotta initiate kino(touch), it says a lot more than words could interpret to the subconscious mind. The earlier you initiate kino on the first meeting the stronger the bond between you two.

 

[Proper]

thanks @Will-V. Push-pull works well for me when starting conversations with sets in cold approach.

Me: I like your jacket!
Her: Thanks!
Me: It's stylish
Her: Thanks
Me: reminds me of mine in university days.(I touch the jacket)
Her: haha..
Me: is this also your favourite colour?

Another scenario

Me: I like your jacket!
Her: Thanks!
Me: it's stylish
Her: Thanks
Me: it reminds me of one of my jackets. I really rocked it in my uni days.(touching the jacket) Haha
Her: haha.. How many jackets did you have altogether?
Me: about 5 or 6. But I just prefer to wear that one most time.
Her: I guess you had a thing for that jacket.. Oh poor jacket! Haha

Your first statement.. 'I like your jacket' was about her. She replied shortly without leaving it open for you to continue. The second one was about her also and she replied the same way again.

In these scenarios, I remember I'm totally a new person in her mind so she's gonna be shy and not open to conversations. So, I'll continue by talking about myself. I

Why about myself? Well it's called push-pull. Check out the second scenario where she said thanks, twice to me. I just went off on a rampage about my uni days jacket and she's into the conversation asking me about my wardrobe and consoling me for my long lost jacket.

And mind you- I'm always trying my best to add kino within the first 45seconds to one minute(thats why I'm touching the jacket).

Cold approach is a game and you don't just use your verbal skills in this game.

You gotta initiate kino(touch), it says a lot more than words could interpret to the subconscious mind. The earlier you initiate kino on the first meeting the stronger the bond between you two.

Thanks for the analysis and suggestion!

I really like the push-pull idea, and also the idea of thinking of some followups beforehand.

I have a few standard openers now that I use almost on instinct:
- i like your X (jacket, coat, whatever)
- cute outfit
- stylish outfit
- your dog is cute

I'm going to spend some time thinking through the scenarios of each and have some "instinctual" followups. Hopefully next weekend will have better results!

 

[Proper]

Post Weekend Update

As I mentioned previously, I had a ton of dates this past weekend, mostly from Dating Apps. Like 5 dates and lunch with friends, so I literally had no time to go out specifically for Cold Approach. This coming weekend I've specifically kept my date count low so I can save the "afternoon prime" for going out to progress with Cold Approach. I tend to like the afternoon better. It feels way lower-key, less crowded, girls are less likely to have their guard up, and I'm more awake since I'm a morning person.

With that said, I still managed to get some sets in this past weekend and today:

On Friday night on the way to a date:
1) I walked by a cute girl slightly in front of her, and turned slowly to her and pointed and said "I like your coat". I got a soft and quick "thank you".
2) Saw a very slowly walking cute asian girl. I turned around and opened her from the side, saying "I like your outfit, very stylish", she gave a soft "thanks" and looked down slowly. I think I could have continued this set
3) While walking, I saw a korean girl talking to her friend. I made very strong eye contact with her, and forced her to fix her hair several times in reaction

On Sunday
4) I told a girl at Whole Foods her dog is cute. She turned and said "oh thank you"

Today (Wednesday), I went to Whole Foods again
5) A latino girl walked near me. I turned to her and said "I like your Trench coat". She walked a bit closer, removed her airpods, and said "I'm sorry?". I repeated. Then she smiled warmly and said "thank you". I definitely could have continued this set....
6) I saw a cute asian girl walking around. But couldn't get close and open her. Later, at the checkout, I was in back of her in line, and I saw her eyeing a magazine with a dog/cat on it. I made a situational opener "Are you a 'pet lover'?". She said "yes!". I asked "dog or cat", she responded "I have a dog". Then the line moved and she went to the register... I also checked out, and on her way out, I made eye contact with her and tried to smile, but I don't think she could see with my mask on.
7/8) On the way back home I told two girls their dogs were cute

So not much progress in terms of progressing towards the hook point and continuing the conversation after the opener, but I am becoming more comfortable at working sets into my everyday life. I opened two girls at Whole Foods today! Whereas a month or two ago, I was shaking with anxiety over trying to approach a girl at Whole Foods.

Hopefully I'll have some more progress this coming weekend.

Total Sets: 90
Total Conversations: 8
Total Numbers: 2
Total Dates: 1

 

[Mr STIF]

Thanks for the analysis and suggestion!

I really like the push-pull idea, and also the idea of thinking of some followups beforehand.

I have a few standard openers now that I use almost on instinct:
- i like your X (jacket, coat, whatever)
- cute outfit
- stylish outfit
- your dog is cute

I'm going to spend some time thinking through the scenarios of each and have some "instinctual" followups. Hopefully next weekend will have better results!

You're welcome Man. I like your standard opener.

Me: Your dog is cute.(smirking)

Her: Thanks . His name's Scooby

Me: Haha.. You mean Scooby Doo who catches the badguys. He must be one hell of a tough buddy.(rub the head of the dog). He reminds me of one of my Buddy's dog.

Her: what breed of dog?

Me: Chiwawa, small hearted fellow with a fierce soul. He saved my Buddy's life but died in the process. (pause)

You know Dogs say a lot about their owners? Just as Scooby says a lot about you?

Her: Yeah I know.. they harbor some of our soul's core identities. (pauses)

We learnt a lot from each other and now our souls are interwoven. So what do you do for fun animal lover? (smiles)




Alright Man, see what I did there. I compliment her dog, she responds well to it by even telling me the dog's name. I take this huge investment from her and tie it to me by telling her about a buddy who had a similar dog to her(just trying to show similarities with her persona).

She eats it up real quick by opening a new conversational loop that displays her interest in me(chase me) .." so what do you do fun animal lover? (smile)

Again this is the push-pull technique at work. Me asking about her dog(push), Me talking about my Buddy's dog(pull), and Her changing the subject of conversation to ask what I do for fun(push).

Push-pull is the dance to intimacy.