Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

I’m more optimistic than in a long time about my medium term prospects for independence and healing because I’ve now reduced it to a significantly simpler and better defined problem.

It also helps that my parents (primarily my mother) have recently done the most tyrannical thing I can recall from them since I was a minor. I hate them (kind of) and I can’t wait to cut them out of my life (at least for a while).

 

[Conquistador]

After several incidents where I correctly picked undervalued or growing stocks and then didn’t put my money where my mouth was, I’m considering getting into investing.

 

[Conquistador]

because I’ve now reduced it to a significantly simpler and better defined problem.

So far it feels doable but man, I keep running into physical issues like sleep quality affecting my ability to grind effectively.
I’ve got this though. Mostly. Either I will have a big, beautiful breakthrough, or I’ll get to the same place gradually in a reasonable time frame. Or so I hope.

Thing is, I need to have a hard think about where to go from that point, because right now not having a clear sense of purpose besides freedom and healing is already impacting things. Like yes, I have an awesome business idea that I want to pursue aggressively as soon as I’m functioning near peak capacity, but there’s more to life than making money, and I’m gonna have to face some tough choices.

 

[Conquistador]

Today I got myself into a good state. Tomorrow I’m going to spend the whole day taking care of things that need to be taken care of. Wednesday I’m back infield and attending an event. Thursday, two more events planned. Friday, who knows?

 

[Conquistador]

Met an older woman at one of the events. She gave me her business card and told me to come see her. Probably will do so next week.

In general I’m moving forward steadily but momentum is a struggle.

 

[Conquistador]

Met an older woman at one of the events. She gave me her business card and told me to come see her. Probably will do so next week.

Doing it tomorrow. Coming as I am. Can’t wait.

Either way, I’m gonna be writing a lot more in my other journal, because things are changing.

 

[Conquistador]

Doing it tomorrow. Coming as I am. Can’t wait.

…and then I stayed up most of the night and got little done the next day.

I’m making clear progress but I’m struggling with the amount of stress I’m under. Essentially to retain my sanity and tolerate the intolerable I long ago shut down certain responses. Once I try to have a normal schedule and task load I have to confront the fact that I’m not healthy (even physically—I’m doing all right bc young and strong but not in shape and not taking care of myself).

Something needs to change. And I’m confident that I can rise to the challenge.

But I’m struggling. And I accept how it is for now. I just need to find the right moment and the right motivation.

 

[Conquistador]

I confidently expect, though, that things will be at least somewhat better this time next week. And after that, I don’t think I’ll magically break through, but the situation is improving statically and also Swiffer is about to come back to LA for the foreseeable future.

 

[Conquistador]

I confidently expect, though, that things will be at least somewhat better this time next week. And after that, I don’t think I’ll magically break through, but the situation is improving

And so they have improved. But there’s much more to be done…
I need that conjunction of confidence, motivation, and energy/state. This coming week I’m going to focus on starting to get back into shape, starting with cardio and saving calisthenics/strength for later.
I also badly need to start some serious and disciplined stretching so I can undo the damage of the past year or so.
The main thing is to be active and take control of my destiny. After today, where I quelled a panic after some passing chest pains turned out to be almost certainly a strain/posture issue, I have a more visceral motivation than the ones that were already pulling me the right direction.
I need to regain my self-respect, and then I can grab the world by the labia.

 

[Conquistador]

I feel confident enough to map out a serious fitness program to recover from the past year, as well as a plan to get myself to the start line for my startup ambitions. A number of separate incidents today make me think the time for action is NOW.
I do need to figure out the realistic limits I can sustain, but hopefully within two months I’ll have a number of boosters that can make things happen more efficiently.
I’m determined that if I do make a big push, it’ll be this one that gets me to freedom and a whole new set of challenges.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, I’ve made a fair bit of progress this week, but not as much as I’d hoped. Next week I’m going to really start cracking, although I’m gonna delay some of the more demanding tasks and reforms to ensure I don’t crash and burn.

There were definitely some surprises. But I think I made something fall into place, and from here on I can throttle up gradually.

In just a week I’ll be winging with Swiffer again. He’s now finding himself in a similar position to myself and to my best bro in that most of our previous crowd is in school elsewhere or otherwise dispersed.