It looks like I might be about to have a showdown with my parents – I’m not entirely sure over what. I suspect I know what they want to confront me over, but I’m not sure.
Either way, I’m hoping it will shake up my life for the better.
It wasn’t at all what I was expecting.
It did, however, help me realize that I have been oppressed by the “benevolent” dictatorship of my parents ever since I matured enough to want to act independently of them, which they thoroughly (albeit mot necessary intentionally) stifled.
Just as an example, when my father went bankrupt without telling me and then “borrowed” my savings to keep going until the next paycheck, my preteen psyche was intensely affected. When I rather maturely requested, as his creditor, that he take drastic austerity measures to resolve the crunch, he did not react positively and told me (calmly not vengefully) that certain “mandatory” spending on me would be the first to go (instead of sharing the burden equally among his children). The irony there is that the biggest expense, parochial school, had negative effects on my brother’s social life and caused him to denounce all spirituality as “imaginary”…not exactly money well spent…whereas most of my friends now are the guys I hung with in middle and/or high school.
Anyway, my continuing inability to throw them out of my life (ideally I’d walk out brazenly, cut all contact, and show up triumphantly one day a decade later with a gorgeous wife and a couple adorable kids, in true chad style) is horribly and constantly painful.
This relative lack of agency has been way more destructive and more importantly traumatic than I had previously been conscious of.
So at a time of my choosing, I want to go for an unannounced hard exit to my own place, if necessary with the intermediate step of staging from my bro’s guest suite (currently occupied for a few weeks by a relative of his). Ideally once I leave no contact beyond that necessary to wind up my affairs and remove every bit of my stuff from their place.
The income stream situation requires attention. I could probably expand my current business but not necessarily enough to live on. Alternatively I could almost certainly get a quite decent 9-to-5 job on sweetheart terms through mutual contacts, which I would snap up immediately if I thought I was ready to handle that kind of consistency (so I’d better start working in that direction).
The good news is:
I had an epiphany about free will and motivation and stuff. I’m going to act on it as soon as I can achieve some level of active control over my physicality (it’s been a grueling week and a half).
Somehow I overcame virtually all mental blocks I had to making rapid progress.
However, it came too late to prevent a temporary collapse of my rhythms and stuff. I’m feeling more negative than I have in ages, while I’ve been making do on 5-hour daytime siestas and all-nighters with screens because they’re my only consistently available refuge from my relatives. Naturally, I can barely function.
I expect I’ll be back to normal in a week or two at most, at which time I’ll proceed to make up for months of languor. Also, the biggest obstacle to building a new social circle at college has been that I haven’t been able to spend much time with people. When I’m not running smoothly I pretty much don’t want to be around people, but when I am I feel more extraverted than the turmoil of the last several years had really allowed me to be.
Yet despite all this, I managed to accomplish a number of important tasks I had been procrastinating about.
I also am looking forward to getting a permit, which I still haven’t scheduled (if I’m not a zombie when I wake up this afternoon I’ll do it once and for all). I’m hoping it will lead to a sea change in my life as big as getting contacts was.
