Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

I still feel like crap.

It’s difficult to even get decent sleep. But some key markers are improving.

I’ve made the painful decision to give up certain planned extracurriculars (uc-hosted research, honor soc board) because of the fixed time commitment. It’s for the best, but I’m still worried that I won’t be able to even handle my two easy-ish courses.

(later)

But frankly, I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom. I feel helpless because of a number of things. I’m recovering from a bad cold while stuck in the same tony apartment with a teenage sister who makes me look like a paragon of normalcy (not to mention two other increasingly uncooperative siblings). And my parents are humoring her.

I also feel more alone than I have for a while. This is hardly the biggest of my problems, and it can be addressed easily once I get back on my feet.

But I need to find a way to get out of the situation ASAP. The most feasible solution is to raise income as already planned and find a studio within my price range. This could take over a month even if I am performing at a strong level — which I obviously am not.

Intellectually, this is a climactic moment in my epic journey. But it doesn’t feel that way. My feelings have been deadened by the past couple of years. I need to break the cycle and claim my freedom.

So I will do my best to accomplish that. It’s hard, though.

I think if I can somehow physically recover, everything else will become tractable.

Somehow.

 

[Conquistador]

**Major Update**

I an seriously considering taking a gap semester. I have to decide in the next couple days.

The first step, before doing anything rash, is to consult my professors and talk about the course requirements and what I can do to meet them.

If I did take such a drastic step, I would have to ensure that I make good use of my time and energetically move to get to the best possible position before the summer/fall.

I am uncertain whether this is actually the best course of action. Stepping away, even for a couple of months, from college has its downsides.

But a part of me intuits fairly strongly that this is the correct course.

And the more my zombified brain weighs out the costs and balances, the more it becomes apparent that I can’t continue like this. The situation is completely untenable. Beyond anything previous.

So I might just simply go back into the desert for a season and prepare my glorious victory.

When I put it like that, it seems like the natural move. I’m struggling, so I need to take a breather and remove all obstacles. And mainly, finish the job and continue reinventing myself.

But I’m hardly going to do anything drastic until I’m well rested. So I’d better sleep on it, inasmuch as that’s possible in my present physical (I’m in the coughing up phlegm and wheezing stage of the medium-bad cold) and mental state.

Until later…

 

[Spyce D]

(I’m in the coughing up phlegm and wheezing stage of the medium-bad cold)

Same .

 

[Conquistador]

It’s done.

My schedule is now mostly flexible for the next few months.

But tasks need to be done promptly. I think I can work it all out but right now I need to focus on recovering from my current state of wreckage.

 

[Conquistador]

Arguably, my entire forward advance up to now was due to the prep that I had done during the pandemic.

So I need to do the same, on a somewhat more rapid timetable.

But first let’s just see how much the lack of constant commitments improves the situation.

Frankly, I’m sort of relieved. I feel like I have room for maneuver that I haven’t had in ages.

 

[Conquistador]

I spent a bit of time coaching @Swiffer long distance (he got into one-itis with a validation seeking girl and didn’t even get so much as a kiss for it) and even though I was tired and had a massive headache…

It felt good to be the one dispensing value and wisdom.

I need to do more of that sort of thing. It will help me man up and overcome my mommy issues and stuff.

 

[Conquistador]

The cold or flu or whatever seems to be going away.

But I have accumulated more sleep debt than I ever have in my life.

It will take at least a week to even be able to go and do things.

But I have some time now that I’m not taking classes.

And actually, I’m scared of how horny I’m going to be once I’m healthy.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m trying to whip myself into better physical and mental shape again.

As I write this, I’m about a third of the way through a Russian-style snap exercise (to test whether I’m still able to do stuff like this in my current state): riding 40 miles through both passes (those who know LA know).

And my god, I had forgotten what it feels like. I need to do this more often. I do not feel the way I did before setting out. Instead, I am at peace and my core and innards are aglow with a soft happiness.

A big part of my new plan of campaign following my recent partial failure involves a return to the original habits and principles that got me this far.

And, needless to say, a combination of self-discipline and discarding limiting beliefs.

 

[Conquistador]

I need to shake myself out of my malaise.

So here’s my plan:

1) Food: My diet has gone to the dogs and not eating a proper dinner is part of why I have trouble sleeping
So it’s time to take action about that.
2) Screens: My screen usage when I started this journal was pretty low, partly because I made do with a rugged phone instead of an iPhone like I have now.
3) Sleep: This is a complex problem but the previous two areas will improve it.
4) Diplomacy: As well as being relevant to the food situation, I need to figure out what it would take in exchange in order for our parents to stop my recently-diagnosed-as-on-the-spectrum-and-transitioned-to-online-school little sister from doing all her schoolwork starting at 9 am under bright lights in our shared bedroom.
Naturally, these are temporary measures until I move out, but I can’t go anywhere without a strong foundation.

As I write this, I’m about a third of the way through a Russian-style snap exercise (to test whether I’m still able to do stuff like this in my current state): riding 40 miles through both passes (those who know LA know).

Ended up turning back because I couldn’t handle a “low” pass so how could I do the high one + 20 more miles

But it doesn’t matter really

 

[Conquistador]

It finally occurred to me that I ought to be more humble and stuff.

 

[Conquistador]

Today I randomly realized (partly thanks to this thread) that with 9 out of 10 girls I know, any sort of outdoors activity date is a terrible idea.

It took me several such dates and a bunch of “not keen on this idea but I still like you try another proposal” type responses to finally grasp the extent of this. Partly because girls are reticent to be honest so I figured it was just “this activity not a good fit for this girl” instead of seeing a broad pattern.

Well, now I know.

 

[Conquistador]

Finally I’m taking steps to take back control of the situation.

I think it’ll help to stop pushing away the negative feelings and face them like a Man. The fact is, I have so far failed almost completely to reach most of my medium-term objectives, including a bunch of important ones.

And yet, everything is safely on pause! Very little permanent damage has been done! I have an pretty decent life to walk back into, if I would just get back to my normal self!

Let’s see what I can accomplish in the next few days. Sooner or later, the tide must turn again.

Why not right now?

 

[Conquistador]

Progress!!

Now to spin back up to full speed.

The funny thing is, despite not having cold approached in a whole month (!) I feel wiser than ever. My mind needed time to digest many of the lessons learned.

 

[Conquistador]

I now have a mild case of tennis elbow. Months of repetitive stress and bad sleep have caught up with me.

I can’t use a desktop computer or ride a bike, among other things, without aggravating it. As a bonus, my face is inflamed from stress again.

But honestly, it’s for the best. I’ll be on screens less and it should heal quickly if I take care of myself. And using your off hand for things is supposed to be really good for you. I’ve always wanted to train myself to be ambidextrous, so maybe I can take a small step in that direction.

 

[Conquistador]

In other news, today I discovered that being flown out to Dubai is real even if you’re not an influencer. Even if you’re a Salvadorean immigrant in college who just happens to have a really nice pair of boobs.

 

[Conquistador]

Today my little brother and I confronted our mother over the fact that she’s an extreme pearl clutcher. She owned it, and explained to us, for the first time ever, that she is still traumatized by growing up with hippie parents and all the things people said and did right in front of her while she was very young. She went on to state that her reactionary prudishness is part of what drew her to religion as she got older.

As an aside, only while I was writing this did I realize that very few of the many stories and bits of lore my mother has told me actually involve her parents. We normalize what we grew up with.

When I think about it, I realize that my father has always been pretty chill about sexuality. Of course he told us that some things were right or wrong, but what I absorbed from him was mostly just matter-of-fact.
On the other hand, my mother always spoke, and often still does, in very loaded terms. I doubt I’d have discovered seduction if I hadn’t gone through a lot of internal turmoil during my teenage years as a result of absorbing her uptightness. And in fact, I need further rounds of deprogramming that I can’t really do until I’ve achieved independence.

Spoiler: Lengthy social commentary

This brings up a really interesting (to me) point. Most organized religions and many spiritual traditions depict the archetypal male “spiritual guy” pretty similarly; e.g. a guy kneeling at the mouth of a cave facing the sunrise in rapturous yet still communion. Alone with God in meditative prayer.

On the other hand, many if not most women don’t operate this way. A woman can believe fervently in her religion without ever experiencing the kind of intense spirituality that her menfolk generally consider the basis of their beliefs. And women tend to instinctually blur the line between communal-sacred (a congregation singing or in some societies dancing around a bonfire or the like) and social-mundane stuff (including such profane things as *gossip*!). And over time, every religion and denomination (probably including most forms of Islam) seems to drift over time from masculine spirituality into a more feminine world. I am not convinced this is a good thing.
Someone like my mother is not all that far from being a more woke and less nosy update of Church Lady from SNL.

Anyway, the upshot is that in order to get a handle on my inner self and what I actually want with women requires cleaving the bonds that still shackle me to my mother and her household. Until I’m free of her influence, I probably can’t really rate to women in a healthy way.

About that…unsurprisingly there have been yet more delays. I’m stuck up on a mountain within easy striking distance of the summit, yet a languishing malaise has come over me.

Snapping out of it isn’t gonna be enough. Systemic change is what’s needed.

I think once things start moving it’ll be pretty quick and easy. But to get the wheels turning will take some time and a lot of buildup. That’s fine. Massive glorious success later is better than sputtering mediocrity now. But I do need to get going by the end of the month at the latest, so something needs to change.

 

[Spyce D]

Surveyor , I get it man what you are going through and I can relate too .

Tbh , even though idk if we share the same religious background but what you wrote in the social commentary is quite accurate ....

Religion does Transition from being masculine spirituality to feminine spirituality .

It's great that you are deprogramming yourself , I started doing it years ago and by embracing the masculine side of the religion ,... I started letting go of lot my insecurities and fears .

But do it wisely .

Don't end up being hollow inside while deprogramming yourself . Has happened with me .

I started handling my parents by realising the fact that all they are trying to do is protect me . So , this lead me to not being argumentive with them and being chill .

And I had terrible beliefs regarding women ( fras , getting beaten up by women's family , stds) due to my upbringing and what I used to hear growing up .

Which I started letting go by taking action , deprogramming , hell by even decolonising my mind And reading lot of history .


Anyways , idk much about your family so can't comment on your situation specifically.

But its great that you are trying to change your situation .

 

[Lover]

Anyway, the upshot is that in order to get a handle on my inner self and what I actually want with women requires cleaving the bonds that still shackle me to my mother and her household. Until I’m free of her influence, I probably can’t really rate to women in a healthy way.

I had to move four hours away from my home town some years ago. I have stayed in the new city since then. Physical distance from my family helped to create psychological distance as well.

 

[Conquistador]

A friend suggested that I spend more and save less. Currently I’m saving average of 85% of income for expected future needs. This mentality, to be honest, is a reaction to my parents having once become bankrupt (after borrowing against my own savings), which arguably makes them serious sinners according to their own beliefs (cf. Ps. 37:21). For much of my childhood, and really until last year or so, we were on serious austerity of the kind any other urban white American would find absurd.

So sure, everyone needs an emergency reserve…but at this point I have so much saved up that I could buy a decent used car and have enough left for a trip to Vegas. Not that I plan to do either of those things for now.

The main thing is to find ways to improve my life for as long as I’m stuck with my parents. It could be months rather than weeks. And for that I’ll probably never forgive them, because two weeks in a resort/spa with lots and lots of sleep would get me the energy to reach escape velocity.

About that…I’ve scheduled such a trip, although it’s not quite that fancy. Later this month I’ll be spending a week and a half, still in the LA area, but at least with a friend away from my parents.

Until then…

I’ve built up a bit of power and am definitely going to solve at least some of the logistical problems I’ve been facing since February by the middle of the week.

 

[Conquistador]

Today I had an insane misadventure. The upshot for all my trouble is the opportunity to make hundreds off of flipping an expensive piece of equipment on eBay (unless I decide to keep it).

I’m slowly discovering that there are many more ways to make money than my narrowminded parents taught me. I’m still planning on going to grad school anyway for its own sake. (Besides, if current trends continue most of higher ed will be pussy heaven by the time I’m thru )