Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

Progress continues.

Yesterday my friend’s stepmom, of all people, gave me multiple interesting and rapidly actionable tips on opportunities for well-paying things.

Nothing else major to report.

 

[Conquistador]

The break has given me a lot of space to find the gaps in my game and fundies.

Likely I won’t be approaching for at least a few more weeks.

But hopefully by the end of this week I’ll start going to my own campus and others and stuff.

Only a couple people from college cared that I disappeared. This was a wake-up call.

I need to be free of my parents and then I’ll figure myself out.

 

[Conquistador]

It took me this long to realize that with many girls mixed signals are overrated.

The less male attention a girl gets (and a girl’s looks have way less to do with this than her background and lifestyle) the more responsive she’ll be to being desired.

Soon I’ll be back infield ready to do something with everything I’ve learned.

 

[Conquistador]

Good news first: Yesterday I made a technical breakthrough that should have medium-term benefits for my state.

I also got marginally more done than I had last week.

But overall, I lost ground and time this week.

I need to get things back in order within a month or so. And I think I can.

IF I’m ready to do such a thing by June, I’m going to Europe for a bit thanks to an opportunity that came up. It would reinvigorate me and be really awesome in so many ways.

 

[Conquistador]

Moving forward…

But a series of serious curveballs have whizzed out of nowhere:

-It will take a couple weeks of waiting, not a couple days of effort, to fix the central logistical botteneck. Ugh.
-I have to cancel or revise some plans for later in the month that were important to me.
-My parents’ apartment suffered a small but significant infrastructure failure that directly affects me and is 100.0% attributable to my father being a cheapskate with no engineering competence.

On the plus side:
-An old friend who was working overseas came back. He said, interestingly, that I now come across as more humble than last summer. And that I’m more mature, but that part’s less surprising.
-I’ve started losing weight again. I’m maybe 75-80% of the way to my goals, but without multiple hours a day of exercise it’ll be hard to reach them.
-My winter depression is almost gone, but the sleep deprivation is still a horrible burden. Time will heal me.

The main thing, I think, is to just stay on the path. It’s hard right now, but fairly soon it’ll improve and then I might actually achieve the breakout I’ve long hoped for.

 

[Conquistador]

Things are improving.

But I don’t know how my time frame will be affected.

It’ll be fine.

 

[Conquistador]

Looking back, I see how vital it is to be aware of a girl’s frame. I wish I had understood such things back when I got to college.

In any case, I’ll be back in the game fairly soon. Depends how quickly I can get my appearance and friendly confidence back as I’m still recovering from the controlled descent I wisely chose over overextending myself.

I’ve made a lot of progress in terms of understanding myself and stuff. More on that another time…

 

[Conquistador]

Major internal breakthrough just now. I’m not ready to publicly disclose all the details, so suffice it to say that I grasped a whole dimension of self-awareness that I’d hitherto been sweeping under the carpet.

 

[Conquistador]

Everything still takes longer than it should. “Everything is very simple but the simplest thing is difficult”… this is why I need to be free to heal.

But I’m tangibly moving forward.

It’s absolutely vital that I move out in the summer. So I need to keep accelerating.

But one of the bottlenecks is clear. Now for the other two…

 

[Conquistador]

Bit by bit…

This evening I achieved a significant milestone in a background project (a year of consistently giving in to the harassment of a certain owl, if you know what I mean…not many people make it that far) and posted it to my IG story as a matter of course. The sweet Latina I had been working with last semester liked it, but I didn’t take the opportunity to ping her and catch up because I’m too drained at the moment. Interestingly, so far my “stalker” chick from Ucla hasn’t viewed it yet (probably she just went to bed early like the straitlaced genius-only-child she appears to be).

Right now, despite all the progress, I’m not feeling physically and emotionally confident yet. A big part of it is procrastinating about getting new contacts, which to be honest has been cramping my style for over two months now. I have to schedule an appointment and there were additional complications about the logistics of that…tomorrow I’m gonna settle it because enough is enough. But the version of me who meticulously planned and timetabled a trip all the way to the Valley between morning and afternoon classes in order to pick up some essential paperwork during my first semester is nowhere to be seen, and I have little drive to achieve fairly straightforward tasks promptly. Apparently this is actually a normal symptom of the mood disorder I have, but anyway…

Speaking of drive, I realized that I had still been repressing my desires and holding them close to my chest. No more. While I can’t yet fulfill them, before this year is out I want to change that.

And really, the two go hand in hand. The sex drive can also be sublimated into the pursuit of other goals. But for now, I need to get some sleep so that I can get things done tomorrow.

Actually, this is by far the latest I’ve stayed up this week. I’ve been going to bed well before midnight, but I would like to go to bed as early as 2145.

 

[Conquistador]

I don’t care.

Or rather I do, sort of.

About an hour ago it became clear I can’t do a phased exit like I was planning. I need to come up with a way to meet the full cost of living if I’m going to break free.

I need to process this. The reason I’m already a mess is because I’ve stopped caring about anything besides feeling better. And I’ve been too defeatist and depressed to actually do anything about it.

I think things will work out. But I really don’t know how long it will take.

 

[Conquistador]

I’ve decided to give myself until the end of next week before tackling anything really big other than a couple of urgent things. That should give me plenty of time to prepare myself.

An action-oriented mindset is important. But “positive thinking” tends to collapse rapidly into unrealistic optimism if reality starts going south. That’s part of what got me to this situation.

I need to focus not on the goal or the problem, but the building blocks of the solution. One by one.

 

[Conquistador]

My vision for the next several weeks is coalescing.
I already had a blueprint for recovering from the current malaise and depression, because I’ve done it before. The main difference here is that as soon as I get paid my disposable income will shoot up (at least until I’m making enough for independence). That unlocks new options.

Now to implement it…

 

[Conquistador]

There are still far too many loose ends to finish this journal yet.

But I really don’t see the point in updating it every week or so with more of the same about my struggles getting my act together.

Things will probably be different in a couple weeks. Some problems will have been solved.

But it’s better if I just step further away from the forum for now. I have even more thinking to do and if I could live without screens for a month I would.

So yeah, a bit fatalistic and stuff, but Surveyor will rise again after a short while.

In order to do so, I need to focus on real life. Given at this point I spend more time reading about national politics (not my favorite topic at all these days) than seduction, I might as well go on an extended break until I’ve gotten to a place where I’m ready to actually pursue girls.

I’ll. Be. Back.

 

[Conquistador]

(see how long that lasted…)
I realized the true power of habits today. It was mildly inspiring.

More importantly, the next few days everything will get a lot better. And hopefully from there it will be easier.

I’ve been able to face a lot of hard truths lately. The three most salient are:

1) Yoda was to an extent right about doing challenging things. Difficulty must be surmounted one way or another no matter how long it takes.
2) In general, you only make very roughly as much money as the capital you generate.* Our society doesn’t guarantee a livelihood; you have to actively help yourself and not just be ready to work.
3) I lost a lot of self-respect in the past several months. My family similarly, even more, actually. Buuut my bros from HS didn’t at all, even — especially — the ones whom I share my troubles with. Even the acquaintances who long ago used to think I was this or that and who now respect me, still seem to and don’t care about my being less confident and less well-groomed and more depressed and stuff.

Either way, I’ve learned a lot over my time out in the wilderness.

And the reason I still seem so confident that I can get up and achieve glorious success is that I’ve done it before.

Also, something seduction-related happened. My primary inhibition, as I knew it would, is gone. It would have long ago, except that I was still contracting in a religious capacity for some rather strict clients and I felt an obligation to them to remain “morally exemplary” so long as they were paying me. But one of the main ones is as of tomorrow letting me go and replacing me with an actual part-time cleric, and the other main place has lots of closeted gays and is very chill and wouldn’t care a damn what I do during the week. So now I only have to worry about my mom being nosy. Should be able to handle it.

But unfortunately I don’t have a short-term roadmap to independence because my dad now wants me to go cold turkey once I’m ready. What I do have is plans to spend a much larger percentage of my income on myself. I can afford to travel a fair bit so long as I live with my parents. I’ve saved up more than enough that I can spend most of income now. I’ll also be getting a learner’s permit at some point in the summer.

So I have no idea where I’m actually heading, but at least now I’m more grounded and chiller than before. We’ll see where my adventures take me this summer.

 

[Conquistador]

Still making concrete progress in the recovery, but too slowly for my liking.
I recently reopened contact with a lead from fall whom I think would very much be GF material should she insist on that. She’s of course rather busy prepping for finals, on top of her already frightening schedule for a non-stem major, but that suits my timetable fine.
I like this girl for two unique reasons: she appreciates me on a deeper level than other girls usually do, despite having seen me fail multiple times. Because of that, I feel pretty comfortable letting her into my emotional space.
As for keeping my options open, I’ll figure out the whole exclusivity thing as I go along. But if she really does Believe In The Magic, I think I could probably convince her by communicating honestly. I don’t think she’d be able to keep up with the frequency of my physical needs without additional help anyway, given her schedule and logistical situation.

It’s funny really that I’m coming full circle this way. But the epic tale has only just begun, and the last two years were really just a test run. One that yielded a vast wealth of lessons and data.

My will is like an iron rod. It can be hammered down into the ground, but it still remains unbroken.

No worries, everything’s gonna be Surveyor!

(Yeah, TG is visibly rubbing off on me.)

 

[Conquistador]

Step by step, I’m getting to where I need to be.

I’m considering changing my username for a bit once I’m back infield. Was thinking Conquistador.

If I decide to do that, I’ll make a new journal for seduction and continue this one for the big-picture journey.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m struggling to lose more weight. While I look fine fully clothed, there’s plenty of room for improvement and it takes effort to even tread water.

Separately, I realized that all that sitting has tightened my hams and stuff.

So I’m gonna make some disciplined, methodical efforts later in the summer.

The first thing, though, is to finish organizing my life. I’m about 70% done, but I don’t have a final date of completion.

The important thing is consistent forward progress, however slow. The simplest thing is difficult under such stress.

I feel deeply that this is the last major period of emotional and cognitive growing pains and after this I’ll be much more capable of self-regulating due to 1) more freedom of action 2) more resources of various sorts. Which I actually am succeeding with quite nicely, but at the cost of reduced productivity. Internally I’m much better than ever in so many ways, even while I hunker down like this.

As I write this, I’m on the verge of passing out from cumulative exhaustion. But I think tonight’s the night that I reset my schedule properly.

 

[Conquistador]

It feels good to be texting people again beyond my inner circle of 3-4 bros. Including girls.

Right as I wrote that I’ve been asked out by an older girl from fall semester. We’ll see where it goes but most likely she can have almost anything she wants for chasing me as she gives off good vibes.

 

[Conquistador]

In fact, I am going to work very hard in the next several days to raise my state, fitness levels, and everything else as much as I can in such a short time, to prepare for this. Sex and love are both potent motivators, aren’t they?