My parents started piling on the pressure because they believe I’m just sitting in front of my desktop all day. This is demonstrably untrue, of course. I spend a lot of time on my phone as well.
Obviously, they are missing the main point which is that I’ve temporarily given up on anything else. I need to be away from them and my siblings in order to relieve the constant stress.
A paradigm shift is definitely called for, but I’m a bit afraid of the unknown. Not yet. Soon.
Actually a key issue is that for months I haven’t had a working laptop. Desktop for games, phone for comms, business, socials, and intellectual stuff. Real work is easier on a laptop. So by next week I want to change that. Easy enough.
In general, after Monday I expect the environment will be more conducive to certain things and then I want to make some major moves I’ve been planning.
Given, however, today’s exchange with my mom, sooner is better than later and instead of being out by the holidays I may need to move the timetable up.
Anyway, my life over the past few months has been comparatively devoid of meaning. Just keeping a minimal flame lit in order that I might someday do great things.
However, at 22 I now feel like it’s time to catch up with the (very few but still) guys my age who are already doing significant things after a glorious path thru college. I have a fairly strong drive to prove myself better than them. So I’d better get in gear, and damn the torpedoes.
Also, this is the ideal time of year for me to do major disruptive stressful things.
At the same time, I’m not really feeling it. Probably because “it” is not within view of my existence under my progenitors’ eyes.
I also don’t feel the deeper fire that used to be there when I started this journal.
I think it’ll be good. But I need to become more comfortable with risks and with actively managing them. The thought of jumping into the “adult world” with much more money in my pocket than most people my age are worth (given the credit cards and student loans haha) daunts me a little.
But I’m going to do it. I hate this current phase, necessary though it has been.
From this whatever-the-hell-it-is into a world full of discovery, achievement, travel, comfort, serenity, pussy, and freedom. That’s how it has to be.
But I do think that I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. Partly because the feedback I get from most people is very positive and laced with high expectations. Some people, including a few figures with their own Wikipedia articles, even seem to think I’m more awesome than I have ever seen myself as. So squaring that with the gaps is frustrating.
Anyway, the future belongs to those who dare to make it. Not to the numberless who sit on their acknowledged talents, or worse, take them to do quotidian things.
In the long run, I will never be happy if I’m not prosperous in every way. And while I passionately want everyone to have that kind of prosperity, if it comes to the kind of inequality that seems to be creeping on California, well, you know which side I’m gonna make sure to be on.
