Surveying the Topography

[StrayDog]

or perhaps, you are not really all that interested in tackling this right now, and are set to stay on course. In which case. never mind my inquiries.

 

[Conquistador]

well I don't want to over step pry, but I am curious what those reasons are? how come housemates is not realistic?

Various personal reasons. Plus a good housemate is harder to find than a good girlfriend

Not saying that that you absolutely must live with other people, I am just not sure what has made you completely rule it out as an option.

Unless a perfect opportunity falls into my lap, I’m ruling it out.

Also understand that many people have made due with far less.

Yes. I know people like this.
I’m not in a position to be like them.

I mean yes definitely, but you can probably get an at least decent set up for not all that much, and build from there. Scour thrift stores and craigslist list. You just gotta build one piece at a time.

Yes and no. But that’s not important

If we wait till every little is in place we run the risk of it never happening. Or undesirable situations dragging out longer than they need to.

This is true. However, I have strong reasons for playing it safe.

Is having a slightly poorly decorated place worst than the mental stress of living with your folks?

That isn’t what’s holding me back obviously.

Have you re-evaluated the milestones recently? How realistic are they? How necessary? How flexible? Can milestones change? Other things become a priority?

There are alternate pathways, but I have to 1) attain a baseline of internal stability and organization 2) raise income a bit more 3) find a suitable place and close out

I feel that for sure. Again, just want to put forth that things can be more flexible. Like you can do school part time.

I’ve been part time for two semesters already. I can’t handle the workload, and my multiple extracurriculars essentially pay for themselves in terms of productivity gains.

Strategic flexibility can be really valuable.

Believe me, I know this.

So can white knuckling it, and powering through.

Not after what has happened with all such attempts. There is always major risk in the background that must be addressed.

But you know what you will he getting with your parents house. And if you don't have some flexibility in your goals/strategies, you could possibly be there way longer than you anticipate.

Oh I’m already a year and a half behind schedule for moving out. Read the first page of my journal and ignore the cringe noob bits.

But at least you know what you are getting and can anticipate it to be that way for a good while longer. A sacrifice you are making for other goals.

Nope. I have to get free as soon as I can do so safely and with minimal risk.
It will be a watershed moment in my life and it’s essential. I’m just so worn down I don’t feel much urgency except intellectually.

Also, have you looked into every possible option on financial aid? Not just for school, but for housing?

More or less. Pell can be used for housing but would require me to be full time.
My tuition is already free, but not textbooks.
I’m not aware of other realistic options. And I’ve looked a bit.

Are there other people you can speak to and strategize with on this sort of thing? (not with your immediate family of course).

Okay…honestly there are:
-I have an uncle who used to live in a 15th-floor condo in Long Beach before the Great Recession. I haven’t talked to him in a while, which is a mistake.
-I know at least one self-made businessman who greatly admires my work and has known my family since before that. He’s a cool guy but I’m not close with him.
-I don’t totally know which guys from college I can fully trust with personal stuff yet
-I do have one solid bro from HS whom I talk to about my overall situation frequently. He has his own struggles tho and isn’t always able to provide actual backup. I occasionally crash at his place and can do so freely, except when his parents have guests staying.

Maybe there are some crucial allies in your corner, that you haven't quite discovered yet, or fully utilized.

You’re right. But I’m kinda rolled up into a ball rn most of the time.

more important than finishing school

Oh no, the goal isn’t to finish. I’m rather intellectually gifted and I want to improve in other ways, as well as rack up as many academicachievements as possible.

My purpose in college is to get the maximum amount of value out of it. Even if that means slowing down to four whole years in the minor leagues before heading to UCLA or somewhere else top-tier. Just means more time to grow and learn.

Think of it as a video game and I’m trying to max the optional objectives

Are there solutions you are not seeing?

Currently I feel like an elephant marching through a gale-force headwind with freezing rain. The most important solutions are tactical, to get me back on track and not behaving avoidantly toward any significant task I can get away with.

 

[Train]

Oh no, the goal isn’t to finish. I’m rather intellectually gifted and I want to improve in other ways, as well as rack up as many academicachievements as possible.

My purpose in college is to get the maximum amount of value out of it. Even if that means slowing down to four whole years in the minor leagues before heading to UCLA or somewhere else top-tier. Just means more time to grow and learn.

Think of it as a video game and I’m trying to max the optional objectives

Food for thought:

What's the motivation behind racking up as many academic achievements as possible and getting this max amount of value out of college?

Improve in other ways for what?

It seems like just doing it to be prepared and "maxed" out for an ambiguous future scenario.

Learning is great but it's even better if it's fulfilling a greater specific purpose/goal.

If you narrow down exactly what you want and what specific studying is needed (if any), you'd get more bang for your buck.

Unless you're just learning as a hobby, and at that point, do you truly need the university structure to do it?

 

[StrayDog]

Plus a good housemate is harder to find than a good girlfriend

Only as hard as we are skilled at it, mate. Some people have abundance in both these things.

Unless a perfect opportunity falls into my lap, I’m ruling it out.

It's not going to, you would have to he proactive.

There are alternate pathways, but I have to 1) attain a baseline of internal stability and organization

perhaps living in a cohabitation with the ever mythical "good housemates" could help with this, and not hinder it.

2) raise income a bit more 3) find a suitable place and close out

indeed

Okay I'll drop the cohabitation thing, but my point is it might not be as cut and dry as you think

-I have an uncle who used to live in a 15th-floor condo in Long Beach before the Great Recession. I haven’t talked to him in a while, which is a mistake.

Better late than never. He a pretty cool guy? Bet he would have some interesting perspectives. Probably pretty accessible too, given that his your uncle and all.

I know at least one self-made businessman who greatly admires my work and has known my family since before that. He’s a cool guy but I’m not close with him.

Reach out. Offer some value like "hey Patrick, I admire what you have created for yourself and I am curious if there is any way I could volunteer my time to help out in any way, and maybe pick your brain a bit"

Sounds like he is in your corner and would be happy to offer some support, especially if you are adding value of some sort.

-I do have one solid bro from HS whom I talk to about my overall situation frequently. He has his own struggles tho and isn’t always able to provide actual backup. I occasionally crash at his place and can do so freely, except when his parents have guests staying

Okay I know I said I'd stop with this but... How does he feel about his living situation? Would he be a decent housemate. Maybe find a decent 3 bedroom, then pitch it to him and one of your college buddy's who would be chill/on the same page.

Currently I feel like an elephant marching through a gale-force headwind with freezing rain. The most important solutions are tactical, to get me back on track and not behaving avoidantly toward any significant task I can get away with.

That's certainly one way to be, but maybe there are other ways that might suite your purposes better. Like lightening your load.

It sounds like you are taking on a lot right now. And while the ambition is good, it is important to understand that most of these things don't happen over night, and there is no hard screed that says you HAVE to have all of these accomplishments under your belt by such and such a time to be successful. Or even that all those things will defacto lead to your success.

Perhaps if you reevaluated your goals right now and get real about how pressing each one really is, you might find some more flexibility. It might mean some sacrifices, or back burnering some goals. But there is potential to streamline your focus, and take some pressure off of your shoulders.

Not only is that good for your personal mental health. But also as potential to aid in your abilities at attaining success.

 

[StrayDog]

Food for thought:

What's the motivation behind racking up as many academic achievements as possible and getting this max amount of value out of college?

Improve in other ways for what?

It seems like just doing it to be prepared and "maxed" out for an ambiguous future scenario.

Learning is great but it's even better if it's fulfilling a greater specific purpose/goal.

If you narrow down exactly what you want and what specific studying is needed (if any), you'd get more bang for your buck.

Unless you're just learning as a hobby, and at that point, do you truly need the university structure to do it?

Exactly.

It's easy to get fixed into an idea of what will lead us to success.

Wracking up tons of academic points looks good on paper. And it certainly does count for something. But is it any more effective than say, streamlining your studies, and focusing other time and energy on building a large and reliable social network in your field?

That's just one example of course. As success can happen in all sorts of novel unexpected ways, as much as it can through traditional means.

The point of course being that sometimes what we think is guaranteed to bring success can sometimes stand in our way.

Especially when we are fixed on abstract future potentials that arent quite rooted in what our position is now.

 

[StrayDog]

@Surveyor maybe if you were able to gain access to someone who is relatively successful in the field you are pursuing, they could help you determine what is crucial training/accreditation and what is ultimately superfluous

 

[Conquistador]

Food for thought:

These are good questions but I’ve known the answers since day one:

What's the motivation behind racking up as many academic achievements as possible and getting this max amount of value out of college?

Partly because I can and it’ll be fun. Partly for the long-term benefits. Partly just because I’m competitive in a specific “gotta catch ‘em all!” way.
Does it matter?

It seems like just doing it to be prepared and "maxed" out for an ambiguous future scenario.

What would be wrong with that anyway, for someone like me?

Learning is great but it's even better if it's fulfilling a greater specific purpose/goal.

There are in fact several purposes.

If you narrow down exactly what you want and what specific studying is needed (if any), you'd get more bang for your buck.

What buck?
I might see things differently if I can’t get a full scholarship after transfer. We’ll see

Unless you're just learning as a hobby, and at that point, do you truly need the university structure to do it?

YES
Definitely YES
Besides, since when is university just about academics?

 

[Conquistador]

But is it any more effective than say, streamlining your studies, and focusing other time and energy on

Yes it is, actually. The goal is to achieve, not to trudge away in an intellectual form of “wage-slavery” (I use the term very loosely but I hope you get the sense)
Not a lot of people have that frame, and not everyone out there can even comprehend it.
The degree is important, but I really don’t see it as the main goal. Journey before destination.

building a large and reliable social network in your field?

There is something to this, and I do put time into it, but…the simplest way to do this is (at least outside stem ofc) to do as much extracurricular stuff as possible on campus and off.

As success can happen in all sorts of novel unexpected ways, as much as it can through traditional means.

I’m not disagreeing with that. But I have thought a lot about this and this is where I want to be going

Especially when we are fixed on abstract future potentials that arent quite rooted in what our position is now.

Exactly. That is why I’m slowing things down and focusing on tangible growth. Otherwise there’s no foundation for the future.

@Surveyor maybe if you were able to gain access to someone who is relatively successful in the field you are pursuing, they could help you determine what is crucial training/accreditation and what is ultimately superfluous

What I do is highly interdisciplinary and frankly I haven’t settled on a transfer major yet, but it doesn’t work like that. Most of these prestigious fields tend to reward this sort of thing.

What, you thought I was gonna be doing business admin or CS or something like that? Hell, if I was doing something to prepare for a specific career (other than medicine/law), I might not even want to go to a UC because despite the prestige it’s not designed to prioritize real-world skills. Look what happened to my dad.

 

[StrayDog]

What, you thought I was gonna be doing business admin or CS or something like that?

Honestly can't say I considered you were going into one field or the other.

To be certain, I am not offering career advice. I am just some scrappy artist dude. Obviously people who have accomplished what you are setting out to do in one form or another are more qualified for something like that.

It's more so that I was poking around to see if perhaps there was a sort of "hidden pocket" of opportunity or resources that could free up just enough space to make a shift from a situation that is clearly effecting you in challenging ways.

Sometimes just seemingly little adjustments, we are not quite seeing, can actually offer a great deal more than we might expect.

And of course, I am rather removed from all of the minutiae of your life, so there is only so much I can see from all the way over here.

I suppose I am really just suggesting that perhaps, PERHAPS, a sort of thorough evaluation of logistics, resources, opportunities, and attitudes may wield some unseen solutions to a uniquely challenging situation.

And perhaps not

 

[Conquistador]

Honestly can't say I considered you were going into one field or the other.

To be certain, I am not offering career advice. I am just some scrappy artist dude. Obviously people who have accomplished what you are setting out to do in one form or another are more qualified for something like that.

It's more so that I was poking around to see if perhaps there was a sort of "hidden pocket" of opportunity or resources that could free up just enough space to make a shift from a situation that is clearly effecting you in challenging ways.

Sometimes just seemingly little adjustments, we are not quite seeing, can actually offer a great deal more than we might expect.

And of course, I am rather removed from all of the minutiae of your life, so there is only so much I can see from all the way over here.

I suppose I am really just suggesting that perhaps, PERHAPS, a sort of thorough evaluation of logistics, resources, opportunities, and attitudes may wield some unseen solutions to a uniquely challenging situation.

And perhaps not

So wait…
What makes you think that my goals are the challenging part?
No, it’s the home front. Dropping activities will just make it worse.

Everything revolves around getting out. I’m in the process of getting my schedule back to normal and then I’ll be able to make progress.

But I don’t know if I can do it in the next 3-4 weeks as originally planned.

Either way, I’ll be officially half-time again this spring semester. Just means more time to have fun going to events, whether social, academic, or recreational.

 

[StrayDog]

So wait…
What makes you think that my goals are the challenging part?
No, it’s the home front. Dropping activities will just make it worse.

Oh no, it was understood that it was the home front. But everything in life is connected, is it not? Sometimes we tweak a little here, and it effects how we are able to engage with this thing over here, which in turn frees up space for this other thing over here.


It sounds like you are on track to move out, just with a bit of a setback. I may have misinterpreted it as you being marooned in the situation. For perhaps years to come . That's (plus the mental health toll) what spurred me to suggest there may be some hidden solutions, or potentially reasonable (though not necessarily ideal) sacrifice/perspective adjustments that could move the needle on that.

Any way, I may have spoken before I understood all of the facts, and my aim is not to derail your journal.

 

[Conquistador]

Oh no, it was understood that it was the home front. But everything in life is connected, is it not? Sometimes we tweak a little here, and it effects how we are able to engage with this thing over here, which in turn frees up space for this other thing over here.


It sounds like you are on track to move out, just with a bit of a setback. I may have misinterpreted it as you being marooned in the situation. For perhaps years to come . That's (plus the mental health toll) what spurred me to suggest there may be some hidden solutions, or potentially reasonable (though not necessarily ideal) sacrifice/perspective adjustments that could move the needle on that.

Any way, I may have spoken before I understood all of the facts, and my aim is not to derail your journal.

No I absolutely appreciate the feedback

I wish people butted into this thread more often tbh…it would be cool

 

[Conquistador]

In other news, I have reason to believe that one of the several leads from fall who’s still in town…is now together with another girl. And not even a cool one. I’m not surprised as they had been friends for a while and I sort of walked in on them talking about taking this further (see above) but I’m drawing a few lessons:

-Girls do eventually find partners. At my college, a lot of girls, at least in certain social circles, are single and even temporarily celibate, and the near lack of male competition (due to gender ratios and differing profiles of student pathways) made me complacent.

-With this particular girl, I had many opportunities to initiate conversations that would likely have moved forward. I rarely did more than say hi, though. This despite her being on campus a lot and us crossing paths almost weekly, in addition to attending the same series of regular meetings.
-The main reason I didn’t make a move was that I was uncomfortable with the fact that I just wanted her pretty much only for her body. Typically, when I see a woman I like, I desire all of her. Even at first sight, her vibe and feminine essence are usually a part. Here, I just wanted to mount her and stick my big white prong into her tight skinny little dark body (the size difference between me and her was definitely part of it). Kissing and skin contact (apart from exerting vanilla dominance) didn’t factor into it one bit. It wasn’t even at all like that time I had PE with a random pretty-ish Euro girl and I was suddenly feeling strong caveman instincts to doggy her and felt like I could smell-but-not-with-nose her pheromones.
That is to say, I lacked the cods to consciously pursue purely hedonistic ends. I’m sure there will be other opportunities, and anyway I think transactional hookups should come from a place that I’m not yet at, emotionally [thanks to @BIGGUS DICKUS: PUSSY MAN for sharing his views on this]
-While I was often sleep deprived while on campus, I was rarely in zombie mode and did stuff with a couple other girls under a more wholesome frame than “let’s just grind our super different bodies together because it feels good !!”
-Their pairing up makes sense SMV wise, actually. I don’t know how serious it is but I bet if it’s still going in spring I’ll hear more.

Either way, I can’t devote more effort to girls for at least several more days. I might get back in touch with two SC girls and try to arrange a date, but I’m busy with a lot of stuff.

I’m also planning, sometime soon, to go to a town in Ventura County with the finances bro ^^ to visit a prof’s side hustle. I plan to try a little cold approach then of course as I’ve wanted to game in exurban/rural for a while (see last April). However, idk how that will work exactly. This guy thinks cold approaching women is something people do in prank videos. I’m not totally sure how to handle that part.

 

[Conquistador]

I got to sleep at an acceptable hour (3am) and was up 4.5 hours later.

I’m finally making progress getting things done.

But there’s a lot to do this week.

About the trip mentioned in ^^, his financial irresponsibility means he doesn’t have a car. And doesn’t seem to be ready to commit to a train+bike adventure.

Anyway…I need to meet new people. The four-years are back. My regular event series in Trojan-land is on hold due to acts of God over there, but Team Blue has a lot of stuff going on.

Well, once I’m back to feeling myself again, a lot of things will become possible. Including things that I wasn’t doing, or couldn’t, before.

(Why do I sound like a Ukrainian TG blogger half the time? Must be rubbing off on me)

 

[Conquistador]

Well, my sleep patterns are becoming normal (if not exactly optimal). Whew.

But I’ve been feeling really depressed again. I don’t have much fight in me left to overcome the final hurdles before I can escape.

The bottleneck is now clearly my own ability to act decisively and rapidly. The only pleasure I can imagine is being free. All other pleasures will come from that.

Why am I talking about pleasure? Well, because the animal brain is not cooperating. Too much stress for too long.

Even so. I’m making progress in many areas.

For instance, there was a funny incident this morning where I tried to wear a pair of pants made from some stretchy synthetic fiber and this time couldn’t even do the button. My mother (and my disturbed little sister) told me I’ve been gaining weight again. However, I’ve been tracking body fat carefully and it’s been going down so I insisted that it was the dryer or something. Of course, I am almost always right when I choose to argue an empirically verifiable point…

I then put on a pair of pants that not long ago was quite tight on me. I then went to my mom and showed her how much room there was in the waist. Then I wore them comfortably for the rest of the day.

So you see, my mother has distorted ideas of things even when I’m on the right track. Business as usual.

Eventually I want to cut my parents out of my life COMPLETELY, but for now I have to make do with listing her in my Contacts as “Spawn Point”. I couldn’t bring myself to list my dad as “Sperm Donor”, though.

I have some ideas about how to effectively boost momentum. They should have borne fruit by Tuesday at the latest.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, things are improving.

But the sheer amount of stuff left is fueling my avoidant instincts.

I’m going to a big campus later in the week for a doubleheader event (1 lecture, one SC-ish) so maybe that will jump-start my social and sexual pathways…

But honestly, I don’t actually care about much besides making progress and getting shit done. Not that I’m terribly passionate about those things, but without a safe and spacious space I can’t be myself. Not physically, not cognitively, not emotionally. So it’s vital that I achieve it as soon as I can.

I don’t have much to say besides that. It’s very frustrating to have to admit that this is taking longer than expected, and that it’s inarguably more important than social growth, let alone sexual and romantic experiences.

Well, the prospects are good regardless.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m going to a big campus later in the week for a doubleheader event (1 lecture, one SC-ish) so maybe that will jump-start my social and sexual pathways…

Huzzah!

Full FR post in a bit.

 

[Conquistador]

Huzzah!

Full FR post in a bit.

Spoiler: Insertion

I started by going to one of those afternoon guest lectures in small rooms…anyone who’s been to one knows what I’m talking about. Despite my best efforts, I was slightly late, mainly due to 1) being too low on carbs from excessive cutting 2) the bike rack I was expecting had been replaced by something else

Spoiler: My outfit

Anyway…my outfit was as dressed-down as I currently own without wearing a T-shirt…soft cornflower polo-type shirt (Costco), relatively tight khaki slacks, khaki Ralph Lauren ball cap (to cover my hair loss), and expensive zero-drop leather shoes (because I still haven’t sat down and gotten a new pair of normal ones). So, still slightly too dressy for this particular campus, but apparently I still fit in.

Spoiler: Background

Anyway…the lecture was almost uneventful, but afterwards I took a walk around before the club meeting I planned to visit. Since I’m not actively looking for anyone at the moment, I didn’t make any approaches (altho if I had seen a particularly good opportunity I would have).

Then, with just a few hundred yards to the second event, I got approached. A masked brown girl, without previously getting my attention, said something about the intensity of the hill we were on. When I agreed, she complimented my ability to climb the steps faster than her. I decided to just be social, as I didn’t really fancy her enough to stick together and be late to the event.

When I got there, it was somewhat underwhelming, although I hadn’t expected much. I met one guy with a shared interest, but most of the others were carrying on with something completely different.

But then…

This guy told me he was gonna be staying here afterward as a different club was going to be using the room. A club I was familiar with, but hadn’t really been to before. One with lots of cute and friendly girls, and some cool guys as well. One which I had been meaning to go to, and had very strong social frame reasons to be at despite it not being my campus. So of course, I decided to stay.

Anyway, during the first club meeting, I also met an Asian international who was really friendly, and slightly older than me actually. We traded Instas. More on her later. Also, randomly another guy showed me and her this weird app his class uses in addition to Canvas. I was momentarily surprised to see, below his posted reply, that of this mysterious girl who is always among the first to see my IG stories, despite having fewer followers/following than I do (hers low 100s, mine high 100s currently). More on that girl some other time, most likely.

The second club meeting was a bit chaotic. Many of the girls (including one I already knew) formed an all-girls card game. Another group formed, and I joined; this one had only two plain sisters, who were cool, and a cuddly blonde musician with a ring on her finger. I did pretty well for a beginner (I hadn’t known how to play). After cards, I was in a group convo centered on this freshman girl, who has one of those faces that you can tell is gonna be really hot once she’s 25-40+. I don’t recall much specific, other than that my frames were harder than hers.

After this was over I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had seen an announcement for an open frat-sponsored karaoke night at a 21+ sports bar, but I was in no shape to do such a thing, so I went to the library and lay down while I charged my phone. I saw that the girl from the first club had just posted something about an event next month that interested me, so I shot her a DM about it. She replied promptly, and we bantered a bit.

Later, when I had gotten home, after dinner, I signed up for her event (despite minor misgivings about their rather woke code of conduct, I figured it wouldn’t be an issue). Unfortunately, during the intervening hours they had run out of spots for part of it. I suggested that we could just tell the people there (who set the cap) that I’m someone’s “emotional support human”, which she liked. After a bit more banter, I went to bed and slept fairly well.

 

[Conquistador]

Well, I’ve gotten into a sensible schedule and taken action to improve my situation.

However, I’m consistently getting only 6-7 hours of sleep, which at current quality levels isn’t enough.

Added to which, the situation at home has become more stressful after a long period of gradual improvement.

I need to get out.

Luckily, some of the remaining pieces are falling into place.

If, in the next 72-96 hours, I can deal with enough of the outstanding tasks, I’ll be on a path to being able to arrange the actual exit.

Once I’m free, of course, there will be a lot of new challenges as I try to fashion a new life for myself. But at least I’ll be doing so from a baseline that I’ve never had.

The main potential complication that could arise (apart from friction) is looking less and less likely. I am still fragile in certain ways, but I doubt it will matter. Still, I’m prepared.

However, frankly I’m not prepared for the upcoming spring semester. Yet. One thing at a time.

There is no magic solution. But I am forging ahead bit by bit.

 

[Conquistador]

(note: I drafted this before the next post happened)
I’m planning in getting a learner’s permit in the next few months, once I’ve dealt with everything currently on my plate.
It won’t be a big deal day-to-day (not gonna get a car), but it will be a symbolic achievement, and a complete rejection of my parents’ limiting beliefs (they’ve long refused to help out or fund this, one of the many things I will never forgive them for).
It will also allow some really epic two-man expeditions. Driving anywhere within 9 hours or even further would become simply a matter of gas money.

Anyway…

This coming semester, in terms of formal academics, will be a hold phase. Half time, keep the 4.0, and throw myself into extracurriculars while transitioning to independence.

First stop: undergrad research.