Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

At this point, my only hope is to ask for an extension for one more day or two. I can do more in the remaining hours, but not all of what’s left.

The professor will be submitting grades on Monday.

I can likely get the extension for a number of reasons, and slip the remaining work in before it really is too late.

Worst case scenario, I learned how to avoid this happening again.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m running out of time, but assuming I work all day tomorrow, I have a chance.

On the other hand, it’s possible that my fate may already be sealed.

I don’t know.

The prospect of a D in an easy course that I otherwise excelled im, simply because I didn’t complete term work in a timely fashion, chills my blood.

Either way, this semester has been full of pain and a change of direction is long overdue.

I’ve come so far. But I don’t know whether I can keep going, or am about to collapse like a house of cards. And right now my fate hangs in the balance.

Bit melodramatic, no?

Anyway, now for some good news…

-I had a really productive guided introspection session last night.
-I’ve made some plans for Monday or Tuesday with a lead.
-I’ve been texting another lead. She started opening up about various things.
-A lot of other positive stuff has happened.

 

[Conquistador]

It’s done. I don’t know whether it’s really too late or not. Nor, at this moment, do I care.
I assume that because work turned in on time hasn’t yet been graded, there’s still a bit of flexibility. In fact, if I have energy later in the day, I’ll do more than the minimum and make sure I’ve made up for attendance and that I’ve maxed out extra credit points.

I’ve had some bad luck lately, and it seems to have ended, judging by the events of the past several days. Hopefully all will be well.

Either way, by tonight I promised to finish a large body of extracurricular work. In addition, I have some major stuff that’s less bound to a deadline.

But most likely, on Tuesday I’ll be going on a trip to relax somewhere with the friend I’ve been feeling increasingly close to. Time to see whether she’s just being flirty, or whether our genuine liking for each other can go in that direction. I will move carefully, since I value our friendship, but my gut tells me she’s going to be on roughly the same page as me.

It feels very back-to-front to just want closeness, with no immature crushing and little specific sexual desire (besides my being a horny and as yet unfulfilled young man…). Hopefully we’ll be able to handle things and communicate like mature adults. I’m optimistic.

 

[Conquistador]

With the arriving sense of freedom (regardless of final grades) I’m realizing how much (relatively) freedom of action I now have

Now I need to sort thru practical priorities as to what to handle first

But first, a well-deserved rest

 

[Conquistador]

I just got a flurry of notifications about my stuff getting annotated and graded

Now I have to revise everything and make sure I’m headed for an A

I was very worried before but when it came up I spontaneously began dancing in my pajamas

It ain’t over til it’s over

But after finishing this, I need to do a lot of miscellaneous things. The first priority is to recover a little energy and pay off enough sleep debt to get in the right state. I think everything should turn out gloriously, but I need to nail some things down in order to do other things.

It seems to be all working out.

 

[Conquistador]

The readout of points earned puts me well into A territory. We’ll see what happens but it looks like my GPA is safe.

I’m so glad it was worth putting so much do-or-die effort

This sort of thing must never ever happen again

I also got really valuable feedback that the work I did the last several days was “very insightful and interesting” but lacks explanations of specific concepts and definitions and that this is “standard academic writing”. Now I understand why papers are written in that verbose “identify-explain-apply” way. Guess I’m not in high school anymore…

So endeth a third semester of work. I’ve ended in a stronger position than the last two (when I was almost completely burned out), but the costs incurred have still been steep.

Tomorrow, after another good night’s rest, I will take care of the most urgent tasks and, more importantly, start organizing my goals and priorities.

 

[Conquistador]

There is, unfortunately, one big item of urgent unfinished business left.

I’ll handle it tomorrow. I wish I could have segued from Sunday straight into it, but humans have limits and I had pushed mine pretty far.

After that, I want to get myself as organized and fresh as possible by the end of the year. And that way it’ll be easier

The key seems to be keeping momentum and making sure I take care of my physical and mental needs. Which isn’t a trivial task in the milieu I’m still stuck in…

In any case, girls and seduction seem to be slipping away from the center of my headspace. And for now, I welcome that feeling. But soon the time will come to get some pussy. A whole lot of it. And I plan to change my username for a bit at that point.

For now, I have work to do. So I’d best try to get it done.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m having serious problems getting my act together long enough to finish the thing I mentioned above. This is the second night in a row that I’m going to bed past 5am.

I don’t really see much point in writing much else until I’ve overcome this issue. Same old steady trends. Nothing earth-shattering, except that I need to break through this series of bottlenecks and nothing else matters until I’ve done so.

 

[Conquistador]

I realized some important things about the shape of the problem and what it’s gonna take to solve.

For now, though, I need to reestablish momentum and purpose and cut out anything remotely like languishing.

It will take effort. And this is a weak spot, as my active willpower has gradually eroded over the last year and a half or so.

I need to come to really believe, deep down, that with six weeks of work I actually will be able to break free permanently.

In terms of static factors, I’m actually in a pretty strong position. All it takes is motive power.

I also feel a dual time constraint — with February will come not only a new semester that I must be ready for, but also a potential window of systemic risk.

Screens are part of it. I’m gonna take drastic steps.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m clearly having a bout of real depression. It will pass.

A lot of the external barriers are gone, though. Logistics have been almost completely restored, among other things.

I have some intersession stuff starting this week. Shouldn’t be more than 4 hours a week or so. Plenty of time and headspace to achieve all my goals.

I’ve decided to experiment with visualizing failure as a motivating force. After all, it’s the primary reason I still have perfect grades.

Also, perhaps most importantly, I’ve reached a preliminary accord with my parents on…facilitating a methodical route to independence.

So the main thing is to establish a clearer timetable, while simultaneously pursuing personal, social, and sexual goals. While I obviously can’t prioritize those over escape, if I can build some momentum I should have plenty of resources for that sort of thing.

2023 was a year in which I faced tremendous challenges, had to make some tactical retreats, but somehow grew more than I had in the previous three years combined.

 

[Conquistador]

In the wee hours of this morning, I finalized a plan to get the situation under control.

I then randomly checked a critical deadline and discovered that it was in less than 12 hours.

Not to mention that I already missed an even more critical deadline.

I may be forced to stay at half time for another semester, which would derail my transfer plans.

The big takeaway is that things have been going very wrong and I haven’t yet gotten the big-picture situation out of control.

Luckily, pressure tends to have a positive effect on me.

 

[Conquistador]

I think I’m getting back to normal, and hopefully back toward infield.

Texted a lead just now. First time texting any girl in days. She responded immediately

That said, much work remains. In fact, once I get out of this pit I need to really get going. I’m confident that I can.

Weirdly, I’m able to do certain types of productive work without issues. Primarily stuff that involves different brain areas than the ones experiencing depression. These include necessary academic stuff and Wikipedia work. No action on a lot of other things yet though.

I feel optimistic about my ability to rebound. Earlier I rode through a ~40 degree night to Ralphs to stock up on snacks. It’s something.

I need to engage more with new people. I only work on weekends and my winter class is online.

Progress is gonna happen. In the long run, my will is indomitable. I think.

 

[Conquistador]

A few hours ago my little brother called me an incel in front of my mom.

I pretended to be more offended than I was in order to score points off him. Despite his past and present prodigality he and her are much, much closer than I am to her. Naturally, my mom criticized his line-crossing.

Then I said that sometime I’d go to a four-year and show him. My mother, while not taking that remark seriously, was still a little nonplussed, and probably glad that her innocent little daughters weren’t in earshot.

It’s frustrating sometimes being in my position. I value my spirituality, but I find myself just not in a position to live a family-oriented lifestyle here and now. And I’m not gonna get cut up about it. You play with the cards you’ve been dealt. And my difficult experiences have turned me into a reluctant utilitarian; being quixotically unrealistic is in a sense bad or even sinful, while finding solutions to rebuild from catastrophe is morally virtuous. And sometimes, there is no realistic choice but to break a few eggs or else fail to achieve what must be accomplished.
Funny enough, though, I’ve been turning romantic in my relative solitude. I mostly just want overlapping relationships with 3-5 girls (the natural limit of maintaining any kind of real intimacy with most women, as healthy relationships require a minimum of one encounter a week and I don’t wish to turn my bedroom into a virtual hotel room with a girl over every single night)

As for handling non-exclusivity, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

It should be clear from what I wrote, and what I’ve written before, that I still feel conflicted. Not from my beliefs, but from my feelings of…a lot of things. I just want to unshackle myself from the tightness of being in my parents’ demesne, and then I’ll see what is to be done…
Also, part of me is not yet comfortable in my own skin. Much less trusting people. I am not yet fully ready to let my guard down. This is obviously not optimal

Anyway…I suppose I should just be happy that my family is in the dark. Even if they instead suspect me of being a closet redpiller…lol

 

[Conquistador]

Progress continues.

However, there’s a very serious challenge coming up in the form of my sister switching to homeschooling. This could seriously impact my ability to sleep in and/or recover from fatigue.

Anyway, I need to just keep going and spin up to a good pace and then it should get simpler.

 

[StrayDog]

I know I might be late to the party, but it sounds like you are living with your folks. You're in your twenties, right? what is the decision to stay with them, instead of getting you're own spot, or even sharing a place with some cool housemates?

 

[Conquistador]

I know I might be late to the party, but it sounds like you are living with your folks. You're in your twenties, right?

21 and essentially lost the years from 15-19 due to mental health and the pandemic

what is the decision to stay with them

There is no decision and I’m working toward financial independence. A studio apartment in LA is minimum 1300 and often much higher.

instead of getting you're own spot

The issue is not only would I need to pay rent and buy furniture, but I would need to wean myself off reliance on parents for food and stuff.
Not that I can rely on them as it is. Last week I learned my mom pays $300/month of her personal income for music lessons for my sister. This, despite them not paying for my college textbooks.

or even sharing a place with some cool housemates?

That is cheaper, but probably impractical. I’m not interested as the necessary effort would be better spent on raising income further.

 

[Conquistador]

I know I might be late to the party, but it sounds like you are living with your folks. You're in your twenties, right? what is the decision to stay with them, instead of getting you're own spot, or even sharing a place with some cool housemates?

Oh, and by the way even bringing friends to my place let alone girls is not practical. I can only bring bros over before a certain hour and even then there wouldn’t be much space for shared activities.

Also, my family is unusually strict even for our denomination so I have almost zero logistics since I don’t have a car or the willingness to do anything too public.

 

[StrayDog]

That is cheaper, but probably impractical.

impractical in which sense?

I’m not interested as the necessary effort would be better spent on raising income further.

I can understand the decision to stay with your folks in order to raise capital while you are in school.

I mean I myself lived with my parents for a bit in my early twenties. Though I wasn't it school at the time (basically I had left my home state for a few years and lived on my own in another, then moved back in for a spell to recalibrate). Sure there were benefits but also, there were very clear drawbacks as well.

Everything is trade offs.

I just want to play devil's advocate here for a second because I also know how much my life, and my sense of self, changed when I moved out again.

While there is of course the issue of rent, and how you will manage to raise that capital every month. There is also the opportunity to raise to the occasion, and increase your capacity to mange work, studies, and personal time. It might be challenging, but it could also help you level up. Become more self reliant, and redefine who you are (outside of such a close familial influence), and what you are capable of.

If you strategically find some decent work, and reasonable living situation. It should all be manageable.

Why do you have to live alone (if not living with your fam)? Wouldn't living with some chill housemates, who mind their own business, still allow for more freedom than living with your folks?

I mean, I don't know your situation and how viable it seems.

But with a little planning, it might not be too much of a stretch. And at the very least would offer some freedom from the family scene.

It's also amazing what kind of personal development momentum can be built when you have more of a sense of autonomy in your living situation.

Granted you are strategic and don't chose a shitty housemate, or a job that doesn't cover your minimum expenses each month.

Might take some time to find, but there are hidden gem living situations out there. I lived in a city where rent was only slightly lower than LA prices. Found a killer deal on a three bedroom with some homies and only paid $500 a month on the place. Now I don't know exactly what LA is like these days, but I bet there is something out there that's not half bad.


I don't know. Just putting it out there cause from the way you are describing it, it sounds like living at home might be cramping your style a bit. Would working to pay rent (and thus having to manage your time/money more closely) really cramp your game/development more than not having a place to pull + always being caught up in family dynamics?

Also, wise not to bite off more than you can chew. So yeah, not saying it is definitely the move. Just that everything is a tradeoff

 

[Conquistador]

impractical in which sense?

I can understand the decision to stay with your folks in order to raise capital while you are in school.

I mean I myself lived with my parents for a bit in my early twenties. Though I wasn't it school at the time (basically I had left my home state for a few years and lived on my own in another, then moved back in for a spell to recalibrate). Sure there were benefits but also, there were very clear drawbacks as well.

Everything is trade offs.

I just want to play devil's advocate here for a second because I also know how much my life, and my sense of self, changed when I moved out again.

While there is of course the issue of rent, and how you will manage to raise that capital every month. There is also the opportunity to raise to the occasion, and increase your capacity to mange work, studies, and personal time. It might be challenging, but it could also help you level up. Become more self reliant, and redefine who you are (outside of such a close familial influence), and what you are capable of.

If you strategically find some decent work, and reasonable living situation. It should all be manageable.

Why do you have to live alone (if not living with your fam)? Wouldn't living with some chill housemates, who mind their own business, still allow for more freedom than living with your folks?

I mean, I don't know your situation and how viable it seems.

But with a little planning, it might not be too much of a stretch. And at the very least would offer some freedom from the family scene.

It's also amazing what kind of personal development momentum can be built when you have more of a sense of autonomy in your living situation.

Granted you are strategic and don't chose a shitty housemate, or a job that doesn't cover your minimum expenses each month.

Might take some time to find, but there are hidden gem living situations out there. I lived in a city where rent was only slightly lower than LA prices. Found a killer deal on a three bedroom with some homies and only paid $500 a month on the place. Now I don't know exactly what LA is like these days, but I bet there is something out there that's not half bad.


I don't know. Just putting it out there cause from the way you are describing it, it sounds like living at home might be cramping your style a bit. Would working to pay rent (and thus having to manage your time/money more closely) really cramp your game/development more than not having a place to pull + always being caught up in family dynamics?

Also, wise not to bite off more than you can chew. So yeah, not saying it is definitely the move. Just that everything is a tradeoff

Aaaargh with respect, was I too ambiguous or were you skimming too quickly? It’s totally possible it was because of my writing

I meant that housemates are not realistic for multiple reasons. So I have to go solo.

I am extremely committed to moving out. That’s part of why I’m less focused on girls than at any time in the past 2 years. However, twice I’ve tried to move out temporarily and it didn’t end well because I rushed it. So I need to do things methodically and formally lease (not sublease) a studio all on my own. Most importantly, I need to have enough to pay some (ideally all) of my own non-rent expenses.

I have several K in savings but I want to keep 5k for emergency fund and also will be spending hundreds or more on some decent furniture to make my studio more livable and comfy etc

In fact, living with my parents negatively impacts my mental health somewhat and my general organizational level quite a lot.

The more time I spend elsewhere, the more active I am.

Since the semester ended I’ve been a little depressed and every bit of progress has been through thigh-deep mud.

I actually think that I’m losing the will to carry this effort through to a rapid and successful conclusion. I wanted to be out by mid-February but that looks increasingly unlikely. And so far, the building blocks and milestones haven’t been falling into place quickly enough.

I want to escape, but not badly enough. My spirit wants peace but my animal brain isn’t interested in working for it anymore.

I feel like a pussy, or would if I wasn’t wise enough to not get sucked into self-loathing.


And I also have a large backlog of important tasks. I feel like the time-management equivalent of a bankrupt.

And in order to keep myself from possibly literally going insane, I don’t always face things head on.

It’s hard.

But I will prevail. Even if it takes even longer.

 

[StrayDog]

Aaaargh with respect, was I too ambiguous or were you skimming too quickly? It’s totally possible it was because of my writing

I meant that housemates are not realistic for multiple reasons. So I have to go solo.

well I don't want to over step pry, but I am curious what those reasons are? how come housemates is not realistic? I ask because I myself, when I was living with my folks, felt like I didn't want to live with other people, and living alone was out of my budget at the time, and so I had to just stay in that place until I had everything else sorted out, and all the right pieces in place. I ended up being there way longer than I needed to be. If I had just been flexible in how I approached the problem.

I am extremely committed to moving out. That’s part of why I’m less focused on girls than at any time in the past 2 years. However, twice I’ve tried to move out temporarily and it didn’t end well because I rushed it.

There can be many false starts in life.

What didn't work in these situations?

So I need to do things methodically and formally lease (not sublease) a studio all on my own. Most importantly, I need to have enough to pay some (ideally all) of my own non-rent expenses.

Again, curious why it has to be your own studio?

Not saying that that you absolutely must live with other people, I am just not sure what has made you completely rule it out as an option.

I have several K in savings but I want to keep 5k for emergency fund

Smart to have all that. And you are clearly thinking wisely about stability in your life. Also understand that many people have made due with far less. Especially when they are in the broke ass college student phase, just building themselves up.

Not suggesting you abandon this opportunity to generate savings. But also, there are tradeoffs. Such as...

In fact, living with my parents negatively impacts my mental health somewhat and my general organizational level quite a lot.

and also will be spending hundreds or more on some decent furniture to make my studio more livable and comfy etc

I mean yes definitely, but you can probably get an at least decent set up for not all that much, and build from there. Scour thrift stores and craigslist list. You just gotta build one piece at a time.

Might not be the ideal set up at first but it's better than nothing.

If we wait till every little is in place we run the risk of it never happening. Or undesirable situations dragging out longer than they need to.

Is having a slightly poorly decorated place worst than the mental stress of living with your folks?

I actually think that I’m losing the will to carry this effort through to a rapid and successful conclusion. I wanted to be out by mid-February but that looks increasingly unlikely. And so far, the building blocks and milestones haven’t been falling into place quickly enough.

Have you re-evaluated the milestones recently? How realistic are they? How necessary? How flexible? Can milestones change? Other things become a priority?

I want to escape, but not badly enough. My spirit wants peace but my animal brain isn’t interested in working for it anymore.

I feel like a pussy, or would if I wasn’t wise enough to not get sucked into self-loathing.

Yeah man, the struggle is real.

And I also have a large backlog of important tasks. I feel like the time-management equivalent of a bankrupt.

I feel that for sure. Again, just want to put forth that things can be more flexible. Like you can do school part time. Okay Okay, not saying this is actually the move. Cause I am not in your situation. Just saying there are options you might not be considering.

I know a number of people who switched from full time to part time, then back to full time, and the like. Just so they could meet their needs and not over do it.

Strategic flexibility can be really valuable.

So can white knuckling it, and powering through. So by all means, don't jump hastily into a bad situation just to get away from your folks. But you know what you will he getting with your parents house. And if you don't have some flexibility in your goals/strategies, you could possibly be there way longer than you anticipate. But at least you know what you are getting and can anticipate it to be that way for a good while longer. A sacrifice you are making for other goals.

Also, have you looked into every possible option on financial aid? Not just for school, but for housing?

Are there other people you can speak to and strategize with on this sort of thing? (not with your immediate family of course). Maybe there are some crucial allies in your corner, that you haven't quite discovered yet, or fully utilized.

Sometimes reaching out to just the right person does wonders.

I am just putting this all out there because mental health is crucial, and sometimes we have to be flexible in our approach, in order to manage everything on our plate.

Is having a ton of savings more important than finishing school with less psychological stress? Is it either or? What can be compromised? What can't? Are there solutions you are not seeing?