What Are the Best Tips & Strategies for Autistic Men?

[WhiteCastle]

That's pure gold. Taking for taking the time to write it all up and share. About the cold approach vs social circle. I'd add that there is a third option, it's not either or. You can cold approach to build your social circle, and then bang from there. That third hybrid method sounds like it would sidestep the issues you speak of.

For normal people, yes, there's a third, hybrid, option.
For people on the spectrum, no, it doesn't really work.

I don't think you quite understand just how hard calibration is for someone on the spectrum -- is it appropriate to make a joke about sex right after meeting someone, in the first three words? Possibly, it depends on a ton of non-verbal signals...signals you aren't going to be able to pick up on without logically analyzing everything: "She brushed her hair with her hand and let it linger a bit, bit her lip, and then smiled, that means she's feeling x". That needs to be a conscious thought. And if it deviates from a pattern you've seen before, you're lost. She smiled, bit her lip, but did NOT brush her hair? Oh god, what does that mean?!

This extends to meeting men while out, not just pickup. Additionally, you're likely to have absolutely nothing in common with the people you meet doing cold-approach day game. Yes, I know, you're both people, and you can develop an interest. Except for people on the spectrum it really does not work that way.

As an example of what I mean: I remember one conversation from what I was in college (many years ago) and a small party. A housemate (I'll call him Adam) brought two girls over(Jane and Anne), and there were three guys, me, Adam, and John (a second housemate). Jane and Adam were going to hook up that night, which left Anne to hookup with either me or John. However, John could feign interest in their interest while I absolutely could not. Anne was pursing a career in Interior Decorating, and I remember watching John and Anne's interaction and going "how the hell did he come up with those questions, and why is she answering them? Doesn't she see that the interest is 100% fake and just to get in her pants?". Ended up that Anne and John hooked up that night, and John ghosted her after...because his interest was actually 100% fake. But he could make it feel real in the moment. I could not even imagine how to fake interest that wasn't actually there. Where were those questions coming from? How did he know to ask her how she got into decorating? How did he come up with the followup questions? Ask her for tips? Why did that series of questions lead to interest and desire on her part?

To be clear, the above is not meant to be defeatist. I'm trying to be a bit realistic, and present an alternative that I believe actually does work:
Finding something that you're naturally interested in (dancing, board games, model trains, skiing, whatever, you're using this for friends, not dating) and doing warm approach and social circle after you develop the friend group. You're naturally interested so your in depth knowledge (because when someone on the spectrum is interested in something they go deep) is welcomed. You'll have a group of friends who can vouch for you and say "yeah, he's a bit weird but ultimately he's a good guy". And there's no direct pressure to be witty/entertaining/etc. Just be open to hang out with the people at the event after.

None of the above is to say "cold approach game can't work for someone on the spectrum". It absolutely can, but the amount of effort that's needed is vast, and the payoff is small. The right order of magnitude here (in general) is once you get good at cold approach game as someone on the spectrum you'll approach ~500 people for ~5 dates and maybe 1 lay if you're lucky.

He’s a multimillionaire, artist , pianist and 6 ft so had decent SMV but he just has no self awareness of when women were cheating on him or manipulating him . Growing up he would be very quiet and often not contribute to conversations and would switch off and do his own thing for 5-6 days at a time sometimes- for anyone interested in dating a partner long term that behaviour is just fucked man or woman its just not good to switch off for such long periods of times.

This tracks 100%. One of the signs of autism is a need to be alone to recharge. Not in the Myers-Briggs sense, but in the "I need an escape from the stimulation" sense. There's a threshold, and for someone on the spectrum it's very difficult to cope when you get outside your threshold. Maybe it's a noise threshold (so you need headphones to cut down on the noise and to ensure you don't go over), maybe it's a social threshold (so you need time alone to recover when you get close to the edge), maybe it's something else, the important thing is you need to stop the stimulation to recover.

I'd highly encourage your multi-million dollar brother to go to therapy with a therapist that's on the spectrum and who focuses on people on the spectrum. They'll be able to help provide coping skills and (hopefully) figure out strategies to protect against being taken advantage of.

I think people with Asperger’s also struggle to maintain long term relationships because to continue to stimulate desire as a man you have to be passionate and proactive both of the things you do in life and the people you date and for people with Asperger’s that passion can fade for prolonged periods of time and damage the relationship.

I think this is a little off -- people with ASD generally do have topics they're super passionate about. If you find their special interest they'll be able to launch into a multi hour monologue about it. Key point here being "multi-hour monologue" what's tough is realizing that other people aren't quite as passionate as you are, and that you might need to tone it down. This can (and has for me, though I've figured out solutions) lead to the ASD person thinking "okay, well, I don't know how to tone it down, so I'm just going to hide it entirely. This topic is now off limits". So it can seem like they're withdrawn and not passionate about anything.

 

[William Wallace]

My first post here, but...I do suffer from Autism, and I have solved some of the issues, for myself at least, so I thought I'd try to offer a bit of insight...I've had multiple long term relationships, and would have had more lays if I had fewer periods of monogamy in my life.

The current mental health landscape for autism divides it into three levels: Levels 2 and 3 require significant support (level 3's might be non-verbal or barely verbal, level 2's might have some extremely noticeable social drawbacks like very limited interests, etc), so my focus here is on level 1 autism. Aka some autistic traits, but where it's possible to mask them.

Some of the replies here seem to be working off of some outdated views of Autism, and what it is. I'll find citations later if it's important, but masking is not 'repressing' your natural urges most of the time (sometimes it is -- avoiding a reaction to a loud noise, or avoiding certain stimming behaviors), but rather trying to find more socially acceptable ways to express what's already there. For example, if I have a blunted affect and I'm really enjoying a show I might naturally show zero outward reaction of that. If I'm masking I'll make an effort to smile and act happy...so other people can read that I'm happy. I'm not repressing my natural urges, but expressing what I feel inside in a way that other people will understand. Don't get me wrong, though, this takes significant energy to do and is entirely unsustainable in a long term close relationship (I can, however, keep this up in a long term casual or semi-serious relationship, where we see each other a few times a week at most).

This is echoing the article, but people on the spectrum definitely like to have scripts to stick with. It's how we've learned to deal with social situations. If she/he says X we respond with Y. "How is your day?" "fine, how about you?" is a script that shall be followed. This extends to everything, including meeting someone.

On to the strengths -- Autistic people tend, and this is a generalization, to be fairly nice guys. I don't mean Nice Guys (tm), but genuinely nice people...we want to be accepted, but just don't know how. Additionally, as evidenced by some of the other posts, when we focus on something, we get it done. If we focus on cold approaching we'll put in the numbers, we'll try to get good at it, and we definitely won't stop until we're so beat down by rejection that there's no other choice. Or we just won't feel the rejection and get discouraged by the amount of time it takes.

I don't think cold approach game is worth the time for someone on the spectrum. The number of approaches to lays is just off, and the amount of signals that will be just completely missed is staggering. Was she un-interested or did you just not have the right framework / script? The person on the spectrum will never know for sure, so they'll rigidly stick to the script they had. Of course I'm saying this as someone who doesn't really do cold approach game, so take it as what you will.

What I think does work is social circle game and apps. Apps are great, you can run your replies by someone else before you actually reply, you can follow a fairly strict framework to get someone off the app and into real life, and you can "approach" a ton of women. But they're not for everyone or every location, so the second important thing to learn is social circle game...and I'd start there before worrying about apps. With social circle game you have women (and men) there to vouch that you're a really great guy but maybe just a little weird...but who isn't? You'll disarm a bunch of the typical problems by virtue of having social proof already.

That said, I think it's extremely important to disclose that you're on the spectrum before going too far (even before sex). This helps 1/ generate a bit of goodwill towards you, 2/ let's them know that you're interested, 3/ you're self-aware and 4/ you're comfortable demonstrating a bit of vulnerability. Often times it will lead to "oh, my sister/brother/kid/friend has autism as well so I know what you're talking about".

My personal script is something close to "I'm on the autism spectrum so I'll sometimes go way way way too in depth on certain topics, if that happens and I start boring <smile/wink> you with my description of the mechanics of rollercoasters (or whatever) just let me know and I'll drop it". Then I check in when I notice I've been talking about one thing for a bit -- "did you want me to keep explaining this thing? it's feeling a bit like I'm dominating the convo here". If their answer is anything but "no, I'm really interested, keep talking" I then drop the subject and find something else to talk about. I'll also note that this is after I have them over at my place, so it's highly likely they're planning to have sex anyway.

Now, I know above I said "social circle game" but...how do you develop the circle? First, if you're at all queer presenting I'd highly recommend a queer social event. The people at those events are predisposed to be tolerant of differences, and some social struggles are nothing as long as you can speak the language and aren't jugmental. If not, or if you can't find such an event, then the next best thing is finding an activity that forces interaction. Social dancing is a good one, as is something like a music club (choir? volunteer band?) if you're good at music...there are a ton of possibilites. I'd stay away from social events that don't typically attract women (board games, etc), though if you're legitimately interested and would attend even if you never met someone then do it. You being super passionate about the event will definitely go over well and will lead to good things in the future. I know multiple people from these events that were setup by friends of friends.

Oh, and one last thing, when you go to the event, give up being rigid with your time, and give up hitting on chicks. You're there to meet friends, not chicks. Friends hang out after the event, maybe at a bar, or someone's house. Friends do not usually directly hit on each other, and you're likely not socially calibrated enough to fun-flirt with someone without it being taken the wrong way. The time to find someone to date from the group is after you're in with them and have hung out with them a decent amount, not when you're just meeting everyone.

The second thing I think is of critical importance to the austitic guy is to get really really good at sex. There are tons of videos and ways to research it, so I'm not going to link any suggestions here, but you want to be regularly hearing about how you're the best <oral> <fingering> <lay> whatever that your partner has ever had. This will keep a woman around even if she's not 100% totally into you, and will buy you a ton of grace for your autistic traits when they come up. It will also help get new lays via social circle, since women talk.

And....I think that's enough for today

hmmmmm

My brother has Asperger’s and speaking from the experience he crashed and burnt badly with women and got used and manipulated in a few ways.





He’s a multimillionaire, artist , pianist and 6 ft so had decent SMV but he just has no self awareness of when women were cheating on him or manipulating him . Growing up he would be very quiet and often not contribute to conversations and would switch off and do his own thing for 5-6 days at a time sometimes- for anyone interested in dating a partner long term that behaviour is just fucked man or woman its just not good to switch off for such long periods of times.


Things got worse aged 20 when he met a Russian woman online , he ran away from home (London ) dropped out of university and married her after two weeks in Siberia - she then cheated on him with three other dudes when they moved back to London.


He then had no luck dating for 15 years then married an Iranian woman a family friend whom he proposed to after again dating for only 3 weeks. Again his partner would complain that he often would go days without saying anything interesting or switching off for large periods of time. For someone to be good at daygame you have to be somewhat social and be keen and have a genuine desire to get to know people - from my experience with people with Asperger’s that genuine desire to get to know people is just not there and bringing that out of them is really really tough and I have no idea how one goes about doing it.


I took some professional photos to try and improve my Asperger’s mate’s dating profile and it felt like a lost cause- I almost felt bad for taking his money like I’d conned him as I knew deep down whatever photos I took he just wasn’t interested in socialising with women and his approaching felt short because women could sense he wasn’t interested or the social desire wasn’t there so to speak.

I think people with Asperger’s also struggle to maintain long term relationships because to continue to stimulate desire as a man you have to be passionate and proactive both of the things you do in life and the people you date and for people with Asperger’s that passion can fade for prolonged periods of time and damage the relationship.


For autism there’s different spectrums of it- I know some severely autistic wings that are just a pain to be around and they will never make progress and women will often clock that they’re autistic anyway and not want to date them. Then I have mild on the spectrum autism and generally they make improvements and do well medium to long term as long as they take advice and implement it well.


So short answer- it depends. If I was a coach I wouldn’t feel comfortable coaching someone if they had Asperger’s I’d be especially concerned after watching my own brother make no real improvements in his dating life in 30 years - it’s a syndrome that can really put of the bulk of woman and stop men from really making connections and can leave them isolated-prone to bad relationships and manipulative women who are aware of their insufficiencies and see it as an opportunity to take advantage of a visa/passport

as said, he probably felt he needed to recharge. i think in my fathers family we are very slow life history strategies and develop very strong bonds to our partners, to the point that it's obsessive and choking to ourselfs.

i have a cousin whos autistic but doesn't know it himself. hes been in a LTR for 4 years now, with an ex Christian woman. they seem happy. however i was reading her not as 100% loyal, she was shit testing him 2 years ago by wanting me to sit close, and was having argument with him to lift weights, i think that was after hugging me(as a greeting). that was how i read it. i tried to be ¨submissive¨to my older cousin as well, by making him seem wiser etc.

 

[WhiteCastle]

hmmmmm

That's...fairly unclear, not sure which part you're uncertain about, or if that's even what you're saying, since you quoted everything haha

 

[Chase]

Just came across this paper (Hans & Hans, "Kinesics, Haptics and Proxemics: Aspects of Non-Verbal Communication") while digging through some research for my romantic attraction book.

It is short but breaks nonverbal communication down to a level so detailed I was about to close it as needlessly micro-level & fine-grained but I figured autistic guys might find it useful. So sharing it here.

Cheers,
Chase

 

[Ken]

I have Autism. Was diagnosed at the age of one. I tried pick up from 2015-2020. Did not have any success. The most success I had was numbers. Anyway here are three reasons why I quit:

1. I didn't have the work ethic to make it work. I see the amount of approaches people here do to get women and I struggle with doing that, and I have to do more than that in order to be successful. Shout outs to all of you. You are all hard workers.
2. I did not have any social experience before doing cold approach. I did not have any or a lot of friends growing up, and I didn't hang out with people outside of school all that much until high school. Also I have a hard time defining what a friend is and figuring out whether or not I have one. One time in 2018 someone I went to college with told me I'm missing out because their friends all hang out together outside of school while I struggle to do things with people outside of school.
3. I had two bad experiences talking about sex with women, one of which I posted on here. I struggle with women and sex talk.

So how would I get comfortable talking to attractive women and talking about sex with them? Also how would I get my sexual needs met as an Autistic man? Those are the tips and strategies that would work for me.

 

[MarkA]

Ken - if I was you I would do the following

1) use online
2) stack routines and use them repeatedly. This is boring for most guys but as an autistic guy I think you would be fine with it. Note girls reactions to what you say to find the right stuff that works. Old school stuff from 20 years ago was full of this. You could even steal the lines if you think it would suit your personality.
3) get some regular social hobbies so you can make some friends doing activities you enjoy. Learning social fundamentals will help you big time.
4) get a buddy to be your wingman and go out together to get girls.
5) keep you game plan really simple and repetitive and treat it all like a computer game and trying to get to the end of the level.

 

[MarkA]

Ken - if I was you I would do the following

1) use online
2) stack routines and use them repeatedly. This is boring for most guys but as an autistic guy I think you would be fine with it. Note girls reactions to what you say to find the right stuff that works. Old school stuff from 20 years ago was full of this. You could even steal the lines if you think it would suit your personality.
3) get some regular social hobbies so you can make some friends doing activities you enjoy. Learning social fundamentals will help you big time.
4) get a buddy to be your wingman and go out together to get girls.
5) keep your game plan really simple and repetitive and treat it all like a computer game and trying to get to end of the level.

 

[TechLab]

Not really sure if I’m actually on the spectrum or not, but relate to some of the symptoms to a minor degree. I’ve found ultimately that ChatGPT has helped me connect much better with women since it came out, by using it to improve overall communication and understanding the vibes more by asking for more clarification. Something to consider perhaps? It also helps me not overthink everything as much as I am prone to that.

 

[Kvothe]

An interesting thing I read-supplementing with this probiotic is apparently associated with reduction in some autism symptoms

BioGaia Gastrus - Probiotic Chewables

An advanced adult probiotic supplement. Each chewable mandarin-flavored tablet contains two patented bacterial strains and a minimum of 200 million live bacteria. That’s a gutful of goodness in every dose!

www.biogaia.com

Purely anectodal from reddit but gut microbiome chemistry is pretty interesting.