When waiters, vendors or staff give your girl all the attention and semi ignore you?

[Karea Ricardus D.]

How do you guys deal with this? You're out with a girl (not during a pickup, but when you're already going out together) and males you interact with get so sucked into her presence that they can't stop staring at her while talking to the both of you.

This happens with vendors, waiters, dealers, you name it, and it even happens when I grab threads. Like I'll take over the conversation, direct questions and commands to the waiter... he'll acknowledge me with a quick glance and then directs the answer to my question at my girl.

It doesn't happen with every beautiful girl, only with the kind where at first glance guys go "wow! who the fuck is that?".

A few things are weird about this...

1. With some guys it doesn't even seem to be intentional. It's like they get hypnotized and can't stop staring at her. Not deliberate disrespect. They sometimes glance my way but get sucked back into her presence. (other guys however seem to just try flirt and not give a shit she's with a guy).
2. It's not about an intimidation factor... I'm tall and quite big guy, but this even happens with small guys. Like they just can't help it, and their etiquette goes out the window.
3. It's very subtle, it's just eye contact... I feel like you can't well verbally call out eye contact. That would seem like a bigger social violation than what the guys are doing... seems reactive.
4. Half the time it doesn't feel like a threat. Like... if the guy is so thrown off his center by her presence, she's obviously way out of his league. But the disrespect of hardly being talked to or looked at still bothers me.

I've been in this situation a number of times again recently and was wondering how you guys handle it. I even talked to her about it, cause it was so blatant a couple of times. She said if it was the other way round (a girl ignoring her and talking only to me) she'd get pissy and get in the girl's face in some way lol.

Once I told a waiter "yo, there's 2 people here" after he ignore me for a couple of minutes (even when I directed questions at him, he'd answer, but look at her). It seemed to really jolt him, but it still felt too reactive.

If you've had this happen, how do you deal with it?

 

[topcat]

I get that it’s rather annoying, but i would like to pose the question as to why it matters?

If your woman truly is beautiful then it only makes sense for other men to admire her. They should. They’re only following their nature.

It’s unlikely she’ll leave you and hook up with them, and tbh their gawking reinforces your dominance and place as ‘the prize’ for that which they wish they had, you have. I’d rest assured and confident in that.

You’re right in that any overt comments to break their attention is reactive and makes it apparent that you are threatened by their behaviour.

I say be amused by it, and if it really is interfering with your ability to do business and you need their attention , call it out in a calibrated, jovial way.. “yes, yes i know she’s gorgeous, isn’t she? but about this steak i’m trynna order…”

 

[Karea Ricardus D.]

I get that she's going to get attention and that she'll get admired. But, I'm the one ordering, asking questions, and I'll pay the bill later as well. And the guy ignores me and talks to my girl as if I wasn't even there.

That doesn't bother you... you just let that go on?

 

[TomInHo]

It happens with female staff too. If your girl is very beautiful it's normal for her to get more attention. Take it as a compliment that you're with a gal that's gorgeous

 

[topcat]

I get that she's going to get attention and that she'll get admired. But, I'm the one ordering, asking questions, and I'll pay the bill later as well. And the guy ignores me and talks to my girl as if I wasn't even there.

That doesn't bother you... you just let that go on?

I don’t really care tbh. I’m fucking her not him. He likes my girl, cute. He’s still bringing me my food right?

It just reeks of “get me my food peasant, you’re here to serve me, not goggle at my girl”. Back in the day i served rich dudes like that, who either seemed pressed enough to lord over a waiter in front of their chick, or got a kick out of it..

Either way the impression was that they were sad men and insecure.

Life’s short dude, what real harm is being done?

EDIT:

Think about what you’re projecting (if indeed the above scenario fits you).

I’m a mere waiter, you’re clearly richer than me and have women i can only dream of one day having. And yet you feel threatened by me.. again a mere waiter?? What does that say about the way you view yourself

Not saying this fits you per se, but it is the likely subtext projected in a situation like this.

In a world of Bilderbergs, Fauci’s and Klaus Schwab’s, your honour is better defended against them. Tim the horny waiter ain’t a threat.

 

[Will_V]

How do you guys deal with this? You're out with a girl (not during a pickup, but when you're already going out together) and males you interact with get so sucked into her presence that they can't stop staring at her while talking to the both of you.

This happens with vendors, waiters, dealers, you name it, and it even happens when I grab threads. Like I'll take over the conversation, direct questions and commands to the waiter... he'll acknowledge me with a quick glance and then directs the answer to my question at my girl.

It doesn't happen with every beautiful girl, only with the kind where at first glance guys go "wow! who the fuck is that?".

A few things are weird about this...

1. With some guys it doesn't even seem to be intentional. It's like they get hypnotized and can't stop staring at her. Not deliberate disrespect. They sometimes glance my way but get sucked back into her presence. (other guys however seem to just try flirt and not give a shit she's with a guy).
2. It's not about an intimidation factor... I'm tall and quite big guy, but this even happens with small guys. Like they just can't help it, and their etiquette goes out the window.
3. It's very subtle, it's just eye contact... I feel like you can't well verbally call out eye contact. That would seem like a bigger social violation than what the guys are doing... seems reactive.
4. Half the time it doesn't feel like a threat. Like... if the guy is so thrown off his center by her presence, she's obviously way out of his league. But the disrespect of hardly being talked to or looked at still bothers me.

I've been in this situation a number of times again recently and was wondering how you guys handle it. I even talked to her about it, cause it was so blatant a couple of times. She said if it was the other way round (a girl ignoring her and talking only to me) she'd get pissy and get in the girl's face in some way lol.

Once I told a waiter "yo, there's 2 people here" after he ignore me for a couple of minutes (even when I directed questions at him, he'd answer, but look at her). It seemed to really jolt him, but it still felt too reactive.

If you've had this happen, how do you deal with it?

Have had this happen, and agree with @topcat, there's not a whole lot to do and it's not very important. In fact if she's loyal to you it's a validation of you, and you can only ruin that by reacting.

The way I look at these things is, if the guy looked at me right now, or a third party looked at me right now, would the attention my girl is getting make them respect me more or less?

 

[TestY]

How do you guys deal with this? You're out with a girl (not during a pickup, but when you're already going out together) and males you interact with get so sucked into her presence that they can't stop staring at her while talking to the both of you.

This happens with vendors, waiters, dealers, you name it, and it even happens when I grab threads. Like I'll take over the conversation, direct questions and commands to the waiter... he'll acknowledge me with a quick glance and then directs the answer to my question at my girl.

It doesn't happen with every beautiful girl, only with the kind where at first glance guys go "wow! who the fuck is that?".

A few things are weird about this...

1. With some guys it doesn't even seem to be intentional. It's like they get hypnotized and can't stop staring at her. Not deliberate disrespect. They sometimes glance my way but get sucked back into her presence. (other guys however seem to just try flirt and not give a shit she's with a guy).
2. It's not about an intimidation factor... I'm tall and quite big guy, but this even happens with small guys. Like they just can't help it, and their etiquette goes out the window.
3. It's very subtle, it's just eye contact... I feel like you can't well verbally call out eye contact. That would seem like a bigger social violation than what the guys are doing... seems reactive.
4. Half the time it doesn't feel like a threat. Like... if the guy is so thrown off his center by her presence, she's obviously way out of his league. But the disrespect of hardly being talked to or looked at still bothers me.

I've been in this situation a number of times again recently and was wondering how you guys handle it. I even talked to her about it, cause it was so blatant a couple of times. She said if it was the other way round (a girl ignoring her and talking only to me) she'd get pissy and get in the girl's face in some way lol.

Once I told a waiter "yo, there's 2 people here" after he ignore me for a couple of minutes (even when I directed questions at him, he'd answer, but look at her). It seemed to really jolt him, but it still felt too reactive.

If you've had this happen, how do you deal with it?

Interesting topic. I believe it is a specific instance of a wider class of situations: One is out with another person (friend, girlfriend, etc.), and for some reason, the other person gets more, or all the attention. I've seen a C-celebrity complain that this always happens when he is out with a B-celebrity. Some ideas:

Leadership
I believe one counter could be to clearly lead the situation, such that you engage the person for maybe 1 second before she comes along - for example before getting seated. That might "cement" you as the leader of the interaction and the one he should interact with first. Or you could perhaps try to increase the resonance, depth and volume of your voice, making it harder to ignore you. Or perhaps to be conscious to put a lot of self-respect-subcommunication in your talk.

The positive aura/Direct flash
Perhaps you could try Theron Dumont's "Direct flash" from his book on Personal Magnetism? Alternatively, his writings on the "positive aura".
[For reference for other readers, chapter 14 and 16 here]

 

[DarkKnight]

Tim the horny waiter ain’t a threat.

haha , indeed

A slightly different view from the others because I want to look at it from the perspective of you being a customer, not game:

Once I told a waiter "yo, there's 2 people here" after he ignore me for a couple of minutes (even when I directed questions at him, he'd answer, but look at her). It seemed to really jolt him, but it still felt too reactive.

No I think you are actually in your right to say this. He should be jolted after ignoring you. Why do you consider his feelings anyway? You are the customer, he should provide a service. Decently.

I get that she's going to get attention and that she'll get admired. But, I'm the one ordering, asking questions, and I'll pay the bill later as well. And the guy ignores me and talks to my girl as if I wasn't even there.

That doesn't bother you... you just let that go on?

We are focussed on game all the time and we know that being unfazed and unreactive is great. But there is still the element of basic respect that this guy needs to give you BECAUSE YOU ARE A CUSTOMER! There is another dynamic here aside from game. This is different than strolling through the street and some guy looking at your girl, he is supposed to engage you.

I think (with respect btw) that you are a bit too self conscious about coming across as too reactive which indeed changes the vibe you emit when you react. This is a bit about feeling "allowed" to react when put in a weird situation. If I were you when this happens I would not wait for minutes but react fast and sharp so the frame is set and then you do not have to worry about it anymore because the guy in front of you will learn to focus on you. After this basic respect is set, then you can be friendly again

A lot of people these days are entirely clueless, or due to aging it seems that way to me. I do not think these guys are doing it out of malice (some of them do probably) but they are being unprofessional and that needs to be called out if it happens overtly enough to bother you.

So no they are not a threat
Yes, they should focus on you

Also I have a feeling that you are very well intentioned, traits I admire and value. But a lot of people are not really aware of what they are doing or just behaving on short term benefit manner. Sometimes you do need to jolt them in order to get things working in your favor. For instance a certain waitress I know (who I am agreeing very well with) wanted to put me in an unfavorable spot in their venue because it was convenient for her, but I said in a jarring way "hey I am not some kid you can put conveniently in a corner". This jarred her but she never made that same mistake again. It pays to be a bit more demanding Karea... Doesn't mean you need to be a total dick about it but it pays to demand respect. Which you should also. I know you are able to do this, but you are just very well intentioned in general

By the way I do not think this happens to you in every venue, most working people I know know to be professional enough not to ignore a paying customer. This is just clueless behavior by I am assuming pretty young people.

 

[Will_V]

haha , indeed

A slightly different view from the others because I want to look at it from the perspective of you being a customer, not game:


No I think you are actually in your right to say this. He should be jolted after ignoring you. Why do you consider his feelings anyway? You are the customer, he should provide a service. Decently.



We are focussed on game all the time and we know that being unfazed and unreactive is great. But there is still the element of basic respect that this guy needs to give you BECAUSE YOU ARE A CUSTOMER! There is another dynamic here aside from game. This is different than strolling through the street and some guy looking at your girl, he is supposed to engage you.

I can definitely agree with that if he's being completely uncalibrated. But calibrated guys will do it in a way that's very much borderline so that you can't really call it out, giving you just enough attention for it not to be an insult. And it's a lot harder to call out if he's smooth and the girl is finding the interaction pleasant enough to be distracted from seeing your point of view. I think some customer service guys even consider themselves to be social ninjas and take pride in playing that sort of game, and aren't half bad at it.

In these cases I think acknowledging him less than he acknowledges you is the way to go, using stillness and pauses to draw attention, not looking at him as you speak, and using a slightly flat and low tone (at least at the beginning of sentences) to signal to him that you are aware, but not reactive.

He has to decide to give you respect by you being a good competitor, and I think you do that by holding frame and not getting rattled or drawn into a 'battle' that will evaporate the moment you step forward to win it.

 

[DarkKnight]

It is not a battle yet Will, just some clueless vendor who gets jolted by one remark of Karea. These guys are on auto pilot. Also competition or not being ignored for minutes when YOU are the paying customer is ridicilous

Not everything in life is about game and being stoic, he comes there as a customer there is no need at all to prove or show off that he is a very non needy pua or whatever. It is also very low energy to put someone overtly unprofessional in place by demanding they redirect their energy to you, you know the guy who actually pays
But when you do react it is good to own it and not be rattled by the slight comment you yourself make .

 

[DarkKnight]

Additional remark because edit would not work:

I honestly believe the community puts too much stock on unreactiveness a lot of the time. The world is messy, and not everyone sees unreactiveness as a great trait, sometimes they see it as leeway or meekness. This is also something that needs to be calibrated to. Anyway you need to train people to treat you like you want to be treated and very obviously Karea doesnt like to be treated this way.

Lets just move beyond jealousy plots and whatever, I dont think this is about that at all. Just some basic respect that is due to Karea.

 

[topcat]

It is not a battle yet Will, just some clueless vendor who gets jolted by one remark of Karea. These guys are on auto pilot. Also competition or not being ignored for minutes when YOU are the paying customer is ridicilous

Not everything in life is about game and being stoic, he comes there as a customer there is no need at all to prove or show off that he is a very non needy pua or whatever. It is also very low energy to put someone overtly unprofessional in place by demanding they redirect their energy to you, you know the guy who actually pays
But when you do react it is good to own it and not be rattled by the slight comment you yourself make .

Yeah i unno, i wouldn’t be mad at it. I’m generally an unreactive person so this isn’t coming from a gaming perspective. I really wouldn’t care. Don’t like the service I’ll remember not to spend my money there again. Or perhaps i will if i totally don’t give a shit.

Not about game, just how i genuinely feel in those situations. Men get hella emotional over nothing sometimes. Who needs respect from a waiter?

 

[DarkKnight]

@topcat but you do not need to get emotional about it. One sharp remark usually is enough. Thinking about this is more effort and energy than just doing it

If Karea for instance said a bit sooner his line about 2 people being there it would have been done with

Also there is no need to disregard a venue due to one mistake of the waiter. That burns bridges unnecessary. Usually what tends to happen when you demand a bit of respect (without going crazy) is that the staff adapts. But again it needs to be calibrated. Still be friendly, but doesnt mean you can show some sharpness now and then.

I believe if you accept that small incidents like this happens and know how to deal with it, it loses its emotional significance , yet you know how to act and why. The doubt instills more emotion than anything else.

 

[TomInHo]

This is just silly IMO. You’re getting mad at a bunch of horny guys worshiping your woman. Like why does it matter so much when you’ll be the one fucking her that night and not them?

Oh… but it’s disrespectful… who the hell cares

Bro they are just looking. No one is disrespecting you. It’s just your ego being a little bruised because she’s getting more attention than you

Can you imagine how insecure your woman is going to think if you throw a tantrum because a guy thinks she’s attractive? And a waiter of all people

Chill out and let it go

 

[Skills]

there are some cool prank videos on things like this happening men and women.... but they are exaggerated....It is funny the reactions women walking away, dudes try to fight etc...

I personally troll the waiter...

 

[DarkKnight]

This is just silly IMO. You’re getting mad at a bunch of horny guys worshiping your woman. Like why does it matter so much when you’ll be the one fucking her that night and not them?

He isnt annoyed by guys looking at his woman. He is annoyed by being disregarded while he is the paying customer. This is not some club where a horny guy comes up to his woman.

Also not a tantrum when he says "2 people here" . Can be done without much emotion like a teacher adressing his students. Which would be fit because the staff are not trained amogs but just clueless guys stunned by the girl

I also believe he is not that concerned about the specific respect of some waiter. He just wants to know how to handle a situation where he gets marginalized in a way even if this is probably not directly what these waiters are aiming at. Being ignored for minutes overtly is ridicilous. Also I still do not believe this happens everywhere probably one venue with some dopey waiters with low calibration

Anyway.. these are my opinions, we all have our own styles. To each our own and up to Karea what he wants to do

@Skills haha yeah that is one way of dealing with it

 

[Skills]

This is just silly IMO. You’re getting mad at a bunch of horny guys worshiping your woman. Like why does it matter so much when you’ll be the one fucking her that night and not them?

Oh… but it’s disrespectful… who the hell cares

Bro they are just looking. No one is disrespecting you. It’s just your ego being a little bruised because she’s getting more attention than you

Can you imagine how insecure your woman is going to think if you throw a tantrum because a guy thinks she’s attractive? And a waiter of all people

Chill out and let it go

yea i can only remember one time were it was super uncomfortable, i had a girl with huge booty, and everyone was looking, it did not bother me just uncomfortable you had like everyone looking at her ass, but yea in this cases just being unreactive, or a bit of trolling humor at times but in good faith not mean spirited...

 

[Skills]

He isnt annoyed by guys looking at his woman. He is annoyed by being disregarded while he is the paying customer. This is not some club where a horny guy comes up to his woman.

Also not a tantrum when he says "2 people here" . Can be done without much emotion like a teacher adressing his students. Which would be fit because the staff are not trained amogs but just clueless guys stunned by the girl

I also believe he is not that concerned about the specific respect of some waiter. He just wants to know how to handle a situation where he gets marginalized in a way even if this is probably not directly what these waiters are aiming at. Being ignored for minutes overtly is ridicilous. Also I still do not believe this happens everywhere probably one venue with some dopey waiters with low calibration

Anyway.. these are my opinions, we all have our own styles. To each our own and up to Karea what he wants to do

@Skills haha yeah that is one way of dealing with it

yea it seems that karea is more bother by the lack of blatant lack of service from the waiter..

 

[DarkKnight]

yea it seems that karea is more bother by the lack of blatant lack of service from the waiter..

Yep probably not maliciously done but socially inexperienced guy

 

[TomInHo]

He isnt annoyed by guys looking at his woman. He is annoyed by being disregarded while he is the paying customer. This is not some club where a horny guy comes up to his woman.

Also not a tantrum when he says "2 people here" . Can be done without much emotion like a teacher adressing his students. Which would be fit because the staff are not trained amogs but just clueless guys stunned by the girl

I also believe he is not that concerned about the specific respect of some waiter. He just wants to know how to handle a situation where he gets marginalized in a way even if this is probably not directly what these waiters are aiming at. Being ignored for minutes overtly is ridicilous. Also I still do not believe this happens everywhere probably one venue with some dopey waiters with low calibration

Anyway.. these are my opinions, we all have our own styles. To each our own and up to Karea what he wants to do

@Skills haha yeah that is one way of dealing with it

Still too much energy for my taste. I honestly wouldn’t give a shit but maybe it’s a personality thing