Work in progress.

[Flames]

'arghhhmrrrmmmph'

That's the sound of someone who's tired of playing hard to get.

 

[Flames]

Ok broke touch barrier with a hand on the shoulder (from behind, she was txting) and a friendly hello, nothing major but it's a start. There was no flinching or anything just "oh hi, flames", (despite the fact she didn't look round to see who it was), she was busy texting something, so I just left with that. Guess we'll see if has any effect.

I had a thought that she actually be deliberately not initiating sometimes just to gauge my interest. I definitely have an effect on her, the other day she was floating about, as was I, she walks behind me while I was chatting to a colleague makes a loud sighing noise, walks away, walks back, stands right upto me, looks me in the eye, says hi and puts a hand up in a wave.

Anyway... I should get into other girls a bit more but I'm not really feeling anything from anyone else atm. Got a few night planned soon though...

 

[Flames]

Oops dbl post - deleted

 

[Flames]

I saw girl A yesterday, after not having seen her for ages and she looked absolutely stunning. It struck me what complete polar opposites her and L2 are. Girl A is blonde, like a bright sunny day, full of positive energy and all smiles, you always know where you are with her. L2 is brunette, slightly dark, moody and sulty, still full of energy but in a different way.

Ive been in a really grumpy mood last day or so, it's only just starting to lift, no idea why but it's taken all my strength to shift it.

I've been thinking about this thing with L2, we've kind of got into a pattern of floating aroun each other and not saying a lot, it's kind of weird. It doesn't seem to be bothering either of us, but it's not exactly getting us anywhere either, a couple of incidents recently. Yesterday I walked past her she said 'hi, flames' as I was rushing around, I came back past her and just stared at her (I admit I was deliberately pushing staring a bit), and she just looks at me, gives me a coy little smile (somewhere between flirty and wtf is he looking at?) and again yesterday she floating about her dept, not really doing anything in particular and we don't even say hello, just kind of 'hanging around'. I don't even really know what to think about that.

Just been chatting to this bubbly little girl who was asking directions, very cute indeed and not a bad way to start a Thursday morning

 

[Flames]

It seems I'm never happy, L2 is behaving herself, but it actually feels worse because although she's acknowledging me around the dept, the BL seems a bit awkward. I ran into her the other day and she greeted me with a "hi, flames" but really emphasised my name. It sounded forced. I really need to see her somewhere where we're isolated from anyone else but that hardly ever happens these days.

I also need to work on getting her to stick around and not be so flighty, again that could be because shes on the dept. I know for a fact that were drawn to each other, based on stuff over the last few weeks, she can't help speaking to me, even if it's nothing. I sometimes feel I should just look her in the eye,smile and hold out my hand, just to see what the reaction would be. I've never been a fan of unnecercery conversations and I think she might actually 'get it'. TBH I think that'd work with a lot of girls.

Oh and I'm feeling a lot of jealousy towards that guy who has her number which is odd. I think it's mainly because he's an absolute douche/tool/chode and it's bugging me that he's essentially making more progress. Its strange though because I know she's had/has close guy friends and I also know that when she's been with them in the past, she's still shown more interest in me than in them, and it never bothered me back then, but even so.... It's bugging me, really f-ing bugging me. For that matter I even know she's more interested in me while she was texting him, but logical sense doesn't seem to apply here.

 

[Flames]

I saw this pretty blonde girl eyeing me up today. I've seen her doing it before ages ago and I'm not sure but I may even have spoke to her at some point, I'm damned if I can remember her name though...

 

[Flames]

Perception and intuition are crazy ass things, the more you focus on looking for certain things the more you see the things your looking for. As for intuition the more experience you have with people in general the better you get at it, and the better you get with certain people, the more you notice things.

I saw L2 for about 10secs, and I swear I saw the hint of a smile when she saw me, and a sparkle in her eyes when she walked past, and the tone of her voice when she said "Hi, Flames" was strangely emphasised. It's times like this when I very seriously doubt myself, because I notice this stuff and then she carries on walking, what the hell? Yet I know my intuition is usually spot on, based on previous experience, so again what the hell? It's almost like she's communicating 'not here' or something..? And TBH I don't get these periodic frame changes of hers, she's gone through friendly, flirty, aloof, flirty, friendly I'm presuming aloof will be coming along again soon.

I've met a few people today who have really lifted my spirits, it's odd that some people I instantly like and strike up a rapport quite easily and some I instantly hate, or find incredibly boring and it's not always down to my mood, or the topic of conversation, probably down to intuition again.

Actually on intuition, hows this for wierd a person was chatting on tr phone to another person and I knew who they were talking to, without them even saying their 2nd name, and I knew the person on the end of the phone was coming to see this person, just by the tone of the voice. I walked out of the dept. and it was that girl from yesterday who was eyeing me up. Now I knew these two were previous colleagues but the rest my brain filled its in all on its own.

Anyway.....

 

[Flames]

I've been hooked up on intuition recently and found this... (I've posted the original author and hope this doesn't contravene any copyright).

"Human eyesight might seem straightforward: The eye receives images, the brain processes them. But we actually have two vision tracks—one conscious, the other intuitive—and as a result, the eye sees far more than we generally realize. For instance, in a phenomenon known as blindsight, people who have gone blind because of brain damage can still navigate an obstacle course or identify emotion on a person's face, even though they can't consciously see it. Their intuitive vision track is receiving visual stimuli, even though their conscious vision track isn't; they know what's around them—they just don't know how they know.

Blindsight patients are an extreme example, but they illustrate a phenomenon everyone experiences: We absorb and retain visual information that doesn't penetrate our conscious mind. Joy Hirsch, PhD, director of the fMRI Research Center at Columbia University Medical Center, has shown that our brains react with anxiety to images of faces expressing fear—even when such images are flashed so quickly we have no idea we've seen them. "The amygdala, which plays an important role in emotional processing, activates in response to these pictures even when they're displayed for only 33 milliseconds—too fast to register in our conscious awareness," says Hirsch. This reaction stems from our earliest origins: When our ancestors confronted strangers, those who quickly discerned the newcomers' feelings and motives were more likely to survive. " from http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Scientific- ... -Intuition.

The thing is I've got Amyglopia, which is essentially one of my eyes isnt connected to my brain in quite the same way, I was born like that so what if the pattern recognising part (which is essentially what intuition is) is still working and in fact is working even harder due to lack of other information. It's a bit hard to explain to anyone what my eye does it was only because I actually had a optimologist friend tell me I had it, recently. I'm not blind in that eye in fact the vision is better than my other but I can hardly read things, although I can recognise the patterns and shapes of cars, people etc. letters and numbers are confused. I had all these theories in my head about it because I actually realised a long time before knowing about it that something wasn't connected properly.

I love reading about brains...

 

[Flames]

I walked onto l2's dept today to get myself a cup of coffee and I'm chatting away in the 'kitchen' and l2 walks in, I say hello and finish making coffee, so I'm leaning against the cupboard and she grabs her phone from the wall socket, and I tease her about company electricity, she blurts a "get lost" (jokingly, though slightly over emotionally). So I just smile at her (and notice shes going a bright pink colour) and say "so, Whadya know?" so that it rhymes and she stares at me and says "what?" so I say it again, she's looking into my eyes and me into hers and then a 3rd time, slowly, which embarrassed me TBH because it sounded dumb and forced. So she says 'oh er nothing' you'll have to excuse me I've been up since 5. Then leaves shortly after.

So in conclusion we both ended up making each other nervous.... Great....

I feel like I'm back to square one, she's either really not interested or she's so interested she can't think/act normally so unless some major miracle happens its doomed... I've just no idea why she hasn't blown me out already...

 

[Flames]

This anxiety (nervous) thing I have bugs me. I've got this hand tremor that happens when I get into difficult situations, and yesterday it was pretty bad TBH, there doesn't seem to be any fix except prescription meds. I'm not going to be a pill popper for the rest of my life, I'm sort of able to control or mask it a little, though it's still obvious to anyone looking for it. L2 seems to set it off more than most I've no real reason for it, and it's not even most of the time, its still just occasionally. I wonder if it's something I'm picking up on, but there doesn't seem to be much of a pattern. Girl A never triggers it, and in fact really its usually anger or frustration that does it, but in L2's case it's neither of those things (at least I'm not frustrated when in round her, not till after).

My current plan is just try to be on her dept as much as I can, at least if I'm around there opportunities will be created. If I hardly see her it's going to make things impossible. What I need is just me and her time, when I had it I wasted it and now I know what to do with it I don't get it. The irony...

I shouldn't worry so much about what happens on her dept, she's always been quirky there, and at least she less quirkier than she used to be. :/ I'd have probably just have given up by now except I've not really got any reason other than its not moving quickly enough, it's not like nothing's happening, it's just frustrating....

 

[Flames]

And then I get a moment like this where everything is cool.

Saw her off the dept and after a bit of a shaky start we drop into our usual rapport, there's no doubt in my mind that if it's just the two of us everything's great, but put another person in the room and we act as crazy as a bag of cats. I even walked away a couple of times and she just followed me round. I literally walked out the room, she walks out a minute later walk into another room, again she follows me, again a third time.

I managed to get out of her what was 'stressing her' it was something relatively minor but she was almost in tears about it, and quick as a flash I managed to get her mood turned around, even 'shared' something similar that was bothering me. It was a bit friendzoney but I've never had any problem with friend zone stopping me getting laid before, so go with what ya know I say.

Anyway it's better than yesterday's diabolical performance. XD

 

[Flames]

Again I'm in some kind of zone this week, amongst the others there's this girl that I've seen about for months but she really came on a bit strong IOI-wise. She pulled off a classic hair swish, tuck behind the ear, and exposed neck, really there's absolutely no mistaking that one. I semi-ignored though as I've learnt it's usually best not to jump at the first bite (I'm really starting to sound like a manipulative, narcissist) so anyway I saw her again and she did pretty much the same thing, only toned down a few notches. I really wonder sometimes If a guy ever really chooses a girl, or if it's the other way round (kind of like how a democratic society, really only has a choice from the available candidates) its a choice but it's only really a choice out of options somebody's already given to you. Anyway I gave her an amused smile this time I actually really don't get what's changed, although I've noticed I've almost completely managed to shake off my slumped posture, replacing it with a much better proud/confident but still relaxed pose. The number of girls (prtty ones) I catch staring at me during the day, even caught L2 doing it (well quite a few but recently quite obviously)

I was reading chase recent post "Does she want you as a boyfriend..." and it's coincided with my thoughts on what L2 wants. I've had the impression now that I'm something specific to her (and I'm basing this purely on how she acts?) initially we were heading towards just being friends (or at least friendly work colleagues), but she broke rapport suggesting that she wasn't happy with that, for a long while she made it really difficult to communicate at all (wether that was nervous tension or again a test to see how 'serious' I was, she took that to the extreme and just when I was thinking 'forget it' she changes again, she opens up (what contributed to that I'm unsure, maybe she realised I was giving up?) she actually slowly and surely starts to invest, it's clear that around her dept she's uncomfortable when she feels there's no excuse for us to be communicating, but if there's even the slightest thing then it's fine. It's kind of leading me to believe she deliberately keeping me of the perephery of her social circle, the weird part is that I actually do communicate a lot with her colleagues so it's a bit strange for her not to be social when around colleagues. Chase mentioned 'Secret lover' and that seems to be where I've been heading all along, maybe my natural tendency to be a provider has been slowing things down and making me head towards BF role too? Are they incompatible? Not so sure...

So anyway I'm back to wondering who exactly picked who here, for certain I've been interested in her from the moment I set eyes on her, but did she promote herself with her actions? By deliberately not being a friend or was I just looking for someone to promote? or indeed did my actions cause it? You could ponder that all day long.

 

[Flames]

I've actually just realised that almost all my relationships have at least started out as Secret Lover, how the hell have I never realised that until now?

 

[Flames]

I saw l2 briefly this aft, she was heading towards me and she actually waved (never done that before) so I waves back, she walks upto me says hello, and unusually for me instead of heading off where I was intending I get in the lift with her. So we have one of those convos were neither of us really have anything to say aka small talk (were both stood backs against the lift facing each other) and she actually asks me if that other guy (that ive previously mentioned) was 'in work' today. So I replied after a brief (wtf? Pause) that I hadn't seen him.

The strange thing is, she has his number, she would be able to ask him directly, there doesn't seem to be any reason to ask me that. I can only think it was some kind of test to see what my reaction would be. So anyway I walks down the corridor and she says 'cya later' (in a friendly way) so I take it as a cue to leave, and go.

Dunno really what to think about that... That has got to be some kind of trying to make me jealous right? Or at the very least some sort of (not so) subtle hint that he maybe some competition? (not that he is). Anyway it's all a bit wierd she's started being super friendly, with no apparent reason for it.

 

[Flames]

It's official I've become a guy women like to be touchy/feely with...

On the positive side there's this new girl I think I quite like, she's not exactly pretty but she seems ok. I used her name when I greeted her the other day, and she asked If I remembered it or just read it off her tag to which I replied "of course I remembered it". Funny thing with this name business seems like people use my rather a lot. On the down-side however I had these two (horrible) old ladies borderline groping me, to which I wasn't amused by but I passed it off in a polite way. I thought women were supposed to be good at reading body language?

Spoke to L2 yesterday, well just said 'hi' really and walked off. I dont really get what 'we' are at times she obviously seems to want me around, but sometimes I have doubts. It could very well be my fault I know that. Im not the easiest person to get to know, but I really feel like we connect (whenever we get chance), and we obviously effect each other, but is that a good or bad thing? I need to work on sticking around a bit when I see her. I think, probably the weirdest thing is that we can't take our eyes off each other, we seem to know when each other is around..... but then again were in purpetual limbo.

I think we're both trying really hard not to chase, her because 'that's not what girls do' and me because 'that's not what I do' not sure the answer to that one.

 

[Flames]

I've been wondering about my anxiety thing recently, current thinking is maybe I've got it wrong, maybe it's not anxiety at all maybe it's excitement. In all my years I don't ever really remember being excited about anything. I look forward to things, sure but to say I become excited would be a leap. Anyway just one of my many thoughts during the day.

One of the things Zac said in a reply grabbed another one of my thought threads and that was about cracks in my frame. I spend a lot of time around people in my line of work (and no I don't work at Mc Donald's). I see how people effect each other, how frames clash and combine, morphing into something else, which brings me back to my favourite subject.

Assuming I'm right about L2, if as I believe we are very much similar people, her frame is effecting my frame, is effecting her frame and so on.. The way I act towards her is based on the way she acting towards me (and here's where it get complicated), but the way she acts towards me is based on how I act towards her. I've already noticed her picking up some of my traits, and TBH Ive started being a bit more like her, AND I actually want to be...anyway to my point, one of the most confusing things to me is that IF she likes me as much as I think, then why doesn't she just say something, or at least make an effort? And the answer is why the hell should she do something I'm not prepared to do? and the worst thing is she probably if you look at it IS making more of an effort than I am, hence the 'huffing and puffing' a few weeks ago, and the currently 'over friendly' attitude.

So my current motto is 'make more of an effort' or 'invest more'.

 

[Flames]

A thought has been bugging me all week that the girl (who ill now refer to as girl J) who I couldnt remember the name of was in fact one of the girls that L2 used to hover round with at the beginning of all this infatuation with L2, can't say for sure because although I have almost videotape recall when it comes to L2, it's too specific on her. I sometimes try to work out when I first saw L2 as I recently found out she'd been working here pretty the same time I have. I can remember the first convo we had, and at that point something in my head went 'ahah' and there's been a partition setup there ever since. Still makes me wonder did I pick her, or she pick me? I can't recall seeing her at all before that. I actually saw L2 from a distance yesterday, could have gone upto her, but she seemed busy so I left it alone

Anyway 'met' yet another girl this week, bit weirdly I keep getting 'stuck' in doorways with her. We did that 'dance' thing where you both shuffle from side to side to avoid each other, we both apologised and smiled. Then the next time I was coming through and this time I quickly held it open and she flutters her eyelashes and says thank you. Who said chivalry is dead? no idea what she's called but she's got nice eyes, pretty too for that matter. Again I passed her in the doorway after that but it was wide enough for the two of us (unfortunately?)

Let's see what today brings.

 

[Flames]

Nothing much happened yesterday, until I was going home and this cute girl (no idea how old she was, seemed a bit young) was at the crossing in front of me and I ran to cross before the lights changed, anyway she was a few yards ahead but she kept turning round to look at me so much so she nearly walked into a lamppost AND THEN nearly walked into a cyclist who was riding along the pavement(sidewalk). Quite amusing... I can only presume she thought I was following her, I mean obviously she was in awe of my presence too, but that's no need to get urself killed...

 

[Flames]

Funny how things turn out, that guy I was getting jealous of, has started trying to put me down a lot recently (not really in a friendly banter way) and it's kind of making me wonder if it's got anything to do with L2, maybe he sees me as competition? Makes me wonder if I AM the competition? Anyway it's made me realise he's not even worth bothering about. it's not like it's the first time one of her close guy friends has questioned the situation between us. I'm presuming I must at least be mentioned at some point in her week.

I've not seen her around for a couple of weeks, what's she's upto?

 

[Flames]

Saw girl A a few hours ago, she really lifts my spirits. She's the kind of girl I should be really attracted too, but I don't think she is....

Strangely she has similar mannerisms to L2, which leads me to believe they're actually things I do and they mirror, funny things them mirror neurones.