SPRING 2022 GOALS - RESULTS
Familial
- Visit for brother's graduation- decided June would be the best time to visit, but got it booked
1/1
Financial
- Pay off all credit card debt- FINALLY. Feels wonderful.
- Save up $5K emergency fund- I have the money, but may end up needing to use some of it already... we'll see how well work goes this month.
- Fund $2.5M in a month- first time I've done this. It won't be the last. I need to get to the point where this is my average, as this would be making over 6 figures (before taxes of course)
- Fund $7.5M total- typical me, never having funded $2.5M in a month and expecting to do it all three months of the season. Someday...
- 25 submissions- After getting 12 in a month, pretty much took April and May off and ended up with I believe 16 total. The market went to shit, which contributed, but ultimately my failure is my own, and relates to both distractibility and grief over my failed relationship. Which wasn't even really a failure... more on that later.
- Land an account with over 100 originators- landed several accounts with a few dozen LOs, but no major accounts. The one I tried hardest with was a brick wall.
3/6
Personal
- Get CA license- About time!
- Fight speeding ticket- trial hasn't happened, but I have several attorneys handling it. Gonna be expensive, but the alternative is not enjoying my kickass car.
2/2
Physical
- Bench 365 again- tweaking my shoulder/letting depression affect my consistency made it prudent not to attempt this. I did get 345 AFTER an intense session pretty handily, so I am sure there was a day I could have gotten 365 during this season... I'll get it again soon, once my shoulder is back to 100%. Then I shall maintain being able to bench 365 indefinitely, and in times of focus get back up to 375, 385. Eventually I want to be able to get 405 again, but without having to bulk up to 250+ pounds like I had to when I got it before.
- Read/implement Buff Dudes Cutting Book- I have cut calories, particularly carbs, while increasing daily protein intake. It seems to be working. Going to get even more extreme with it once I am back from my upcoming vacation.
- Get under 230 lbs- lowest I got was 231.8... not bad considering I was 265 at my peak (though you guys wouldn't believe how much of that was muscle... or maybe you would, knowing some of the numbers I put up in the gym at the height of my bulk)
1/3
Recreational
- 900 albums- Newly christened 4.5/5s: Crack the Skye, The Conductor’s Departure, The Satanist, Above the Weeping World, On Strange Loops, Dead as Dreams. Additionally, I have now 5ed every Moonsorrow album minus their debut. They dominate my music tastes to the degree Wayne Gretzky dominated the NHL. To think, I have decades to come to further devour their music... and they may still come out with more albums! I'm so unbelievably satisfied with them, I don't even need them to.
- Finish Cheers rewatch- freaking love Sam and Diane. So contentious yet so much chemistry. My own ended relationship was likewise between two tragically attracted opposites, thus I was drawn back to this show.
- Rewatch BCS s5- Best show on TV right now. Season 6 has been horrifically good. Can't wait for the second half to come out in July, and I have season 3 of The Boys to tide me over in the meantime, which has also been excellent so far. (sidenote: I'm not watching any more new Star Wars content unless Dave Filoni, the guy who did The Clone Wars and contributed to The Mandalorian, is attached to it. Kenobi has been such a waste of potential. Absolutely loathe Disney)
- Reread The Unchained Man- while I didn't do this, I still did a ton of reading and journaling.
- See Amorphis live- was so cool. First concert I have been to of a top 20 band of mine. Riding that momentum, ended up going to several other concerts and having great times: Mastodon, Rotting Christ/Borknagar, and Atheist/Suffocation. Did a bunch of moshing. Highlights include: 1. leveling this cunt who spilled beer all over the mosh floor 3 times in 30 seconds... he left after the third time LMAO 2. deescalating a fight by smashing the face in of the perpetrator. Blood went everywhere, may have broken his nose. Security escorted him out, and some people applauded me.
4/5
Sexual
- Three new lays- just got the one. Didn't try very hard. I know its an excuse, but I want to get fully back in shape before I go after women again.
- A repeat customer- would have been nice, but honestly I am terrified to get close to someone again.
- Start going out every Friday/Saturday- went out once. Couldn't get past screening out every girl there for failing my GF Test, despite telling myself I was there simply to rebound. I do want to get good at night game, though ONSs aren't too motivating to me, and I want nothing to do with party girls.
- Go a month without watching porn- ALMOST made it, but the combination of quitting porn, not having sex, and missing the good times with my ex shattered me... I am back off the wagon :/ Though still trying. I think I need consistent pussy to be able to quit porn for good.
0/4
Social
- Do weekly beach volleyball- this was fun. I like most of my teammates, and most of them really like me in turn. Helps I am tall and athletic! Gonna have to keep playing. And try to turn some of my acquaintances into friends... though I'm really not the social circle guy type... I dunno. I do need more friends.
1/1
Overall: 12/22= 54.5%. Not horrible, but could be better. For once I want to hit 80% of my goals!
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2022 has been the most painful, trying time of my life. And it's all because of the demise of my relationship, and the death of what remained of my innocence with it.
When I undertook this journey to learn seduction back in 2015, my endgame was always to find, land, and keep a girl who fascinated me and was worthy of my sprawling ambition. Sure, I was quite excited at the prospect of being able to pick up girls and build harems and have lots of crazy experiences, but I CRAVE connection and adoration from a "Fascination Girl". I'm sure being utterly doted on by my mother growing up contributed to this. I've come to the conclusion this is my greatest weakness. I even began to refer to my ex-girlfriend as my "weakness" (to the bemusement of my family) as I gradually realized how much of a grip she had on me.
It took almost 4 years, filled with lots of pain and doubt, but I finally landed a Fascination Girl that mostly passed my GF Tests, and I did it properly, where she was the more in-love one and a strong foundation had been set. Life became a contented, masculine bliss... except my rational side, having learned so much from this site, was incessant at pointing out flaws. Imperfections I knew would ultimately get in the way of what I need. I also knew I still had much to accomplish with women before I settled down and started a family.
But I so wanted her to prove me wrong. So I let my dissatisfactions be known, and essentially held her captive, expecting her to win me over. Don't get me wrong, we had a mostly wonderful, passionate, happy relationship, but intense lows whenever my rationality betrayed hers and my emotions. After three years, she finally had enough.
I learned so much from this relationship. I got to ravage, both sexually and emotionally, a girl who was practically a personal 10, for three years straight. I enjoyed companionship and support at a time it was sorely needed. And now I get to return to seducing new women, increasing that notch count, and crossing off every item on my sexual bucket list. Yet I am so haunted by her. Losing her has been a crisis of purpose.
I've taken some hard knocks with girls over the years, and have at times been royally pissed off at myself for blowing it with certain girls, though I never fell so low as to hate myself. Until recently. I was SO HAPPY AND IN LOVE with her, yet insisted on critiquing her, and in doing so dampened my investment in her. I was so hard on her, and caused her so much pain. Continuing my betrayal, I stopped giving her my full effort. I became selfish in the bedroom, I abandoned creativity and diligence in setting up special dates or giving her exceptional gifts and gestures. I let myself go, physically and financially, which bled into my masculine frame that she had entrusted her being in, expecting me to be a proper leader. I didn't properly try with her family or friends. And I exposed nasty sides of myself to her. She had every right to break up with me.
I ultimately failed her, and while I don't see how I could have stayed with her without giving up significant parts of myself, I feel so much guilt and self-loathing regardless. How could I have let a love so pure be poisoned, even more by my own betrayal? Hence the death of my innocence, and ego. The last thing holding it together was hoping beyond rationality "Love" could indeed conquer all.
So, I think I am Doomed. I can't truly replace what I had with my ex-girlfriend. Maybe I could find her rival looks-wise and personality-wise, but I can't get that close to another girl until I am ready to settle down (which won't be until my 30s), lest I hurt her the same way I hurt my ex-girlfriend. Throwing myself into rebuilding my harem and further enhancing my seduction abilities won't give me what I have lost, the profound connection and chemistry she and I shared. I can't recover things with her, as the relationship foundation is damaged beyond repair (and I would be right back where I left off). Finally, I don't see this guilt I carry going away any time soon, perhaps ever.
After effectively choosing Accomplishment over Love, I owe it to myself, and her, to seek out everything with women I decided on. This will be my great glory, and my great tragedy.
You're right, I should learn how to dance. Think I will try out more forms of dance and pick one to get fairly good at.