Ambiance's Ascension

[Ambiance]

Good lord I need to post here more.

It's been about two months since my last one. A great deal has happened, damn it. Let's hope I can remember it all, in addition to closing out Spring 2019 and addressing Summer 2019.

Relational
My girl and I are still madly in love. The rest of the semester was a magical as it had been before, with one hiccup which I touched on in this post:
https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=20295&p=99888#p99888

Don't think I ever wrote how things wrapped up regarding this, so here goes: I sat her down and had a quick talk telling her that I don't date girls who go out, at least without me. I also told her that while it would be fun to go out here and there, it's not something she could expect from me on anything approximating a regular basis. I then told her that I know she has made commitments to her sorority and that she is young, so if she wanted those things I wouldn't stop her, but I would not follow. I must have seemed very serious to her, because she started crying hard and thought I was breaking up with her. I reassured her I still loved her, and still wanted to be with her, so long as she was okay with my new terms. Which turned out to be a super easy decision for her.

It is so easy for me to strategize/influence/manipulate? people that I often try to limit myself and not overpower people with my will. I guess out of some sense of morality? Or perhaps loneliness. On the other hand, I sometimes forget how easily I can get the things I want. Had I made things crystal clear with my girl from the get go, I would have spared myself a lot of headache without likely causing any resentment.

Anyway, she and I lived it up the rest of the semester, had earth-shattering sex, and had some fun date nights. Leaving her was horribly melancholic. She came over soon as finals were done, we drank each other in the next few days, then she helped me get my stuff packed and took me to the airport, where I got just a little more time with her since there was no line for security. We text everyday, and she is coming out in a week for a week. I have some fun stuff planned.

School
Finished the year with 4 As and a C. GPA was a 3.52, not that it mattered to my dad, who seemed to forget part of our deal was that I have to get a 3.5 before he pays for anything.

So pretty good! Would have been nice to not get a C though... this can be 100% attributed to not paying any attention in class, despite always showing up. It is not enough to just show up.

Fundamentals
Still pumping 245 4x8 for bench. I've gotten to the point where I can still get this even if I'm having an off day. Which means I need to go up sooner or later. I've done 255 for reps before, but it sure is intimidating. Rest of my lifts are good too. This is getting ahead of myself, but beginning of summer I tried deadlifting out, and to my surprise got 405. I remember struggling with 315 back in high school, so pretty cool. This puts me well into the 1000 club, for those of you who are familiar. My bench is probably 335, my squat is 405, and now with my deadlift I am a certified 1145 total. I don't even take lifting that seriously. Bow, ya shits.

Financial
The money back from getting As is such a relief. Kinda put me on easy street. I have also saved myself a lot of money by using my head. That said, working over the summer is imperative, and I want to do something more than my old job driving, despite that netting me plenty of cash (a lot of which was untraceable!). I want to be making $20/hour or more.

I found someone to take over my lease in July, though not for full price. Sucks, but could be worse.

Personal
Almost at 2500 songs. Have gotten very into melodic death metal. Dark Tranquillity, Scar Symmetry, Wintersun, Insomnium, Be'Lakor, and Soilwork... some seriously good shit. Also getting into Opeth. Definitely hmu if any of you are fans.

Gonna now go over my goals and then do a summer post.

 

[Ambiance]

SPRING 2019 GOALS - POST MORTEM

Scholastic

- 3.5 overall - Completed
- 3.75 overall - Failed
- Straight As - Failed
- Physical calendar with all assignments and dates listed out - I did this, but not right away, and it cost me. Next semester I need to have this done by the end of the first week.
- Do assignments when they're first available - was pretty good about this in the classes I got As in. Not so much in the one I dropped and the one I got a C in. Go figure.
- Never fall behind in any class - Failed. Fell behind in the class I dropped and that I got a C in.
- Never skip class without good reason - mostly completed. I did skip 2-3 classes, but it didn't hurt me.
- Go to office hours every week - Don't think I went to a single one! Hahaha... this goal may not have been realistic. Still, I should have gone for the class I got a C in.
- Get involved with business societies - Fuck this shit. Its expensive and time-sucking as hell. May just not even bother.

Financial

- Maximize tutoring hours - not very applicable considering my boss lowered hours across the board. Never missed a session though.
- Do financial plans for my dad - Yeah, in hindsight this was a bad idea. Working with my dad is a recipe for disaster. Glad I didn't do this one.
- Another source of revenue - Does theft count?
- Keep spending low - Was pretty good about this.
- Secure summer internship - Didn't happen. Became disillusioned with the accounting firms very quickly, plus I already have an internship under my belt. What I should have done was figure out a job during the school year instead of put it off til the summer.
- Get a car - Didn't accomplish while in school, but have secured it for next semester, which is a win.
- Secure living arrangements for summer - accomplished. Since I have a girlfriend, I am okay with living with my dad again for the summer (well, marginally okay. Still sucks)
- Get out of lease/sublease if necessary- half-completed.

Relational

- See Destiny few times each week - super completed. There was a time where I felt I was seeing her too often, so I got busy for 5 days. Day 6 was one of the best days ever. We had soooo much sex.
- Do something romantic with her unexpectedly several times - Easy.
- Make three new good friends - Nope.
- Have a best friend in San Diego - Nope.
- Visit my best friend from back home/host him - Had him out for a few days. But our second planned visit was ruined when his car broke down 100 miles from Phoenix:/ I lost over $150 thanks to that, but ended up having a great weekend with my girl instead.

Personal

- Workout 4x a week - not really, closer to 3 on average
- Swim/Tan 3x a week - did pretty well with this one, weather depending
- Bench 275 3x8/350 once - ugh
- Abs - came close here! Still have that fat pack on top, but I can make out all 6 when I flex.
- 1500 songs - easy
- 1750 songs - peasy
- 2000 songs - lemon squeezy!
- 3 books from list - nope
- 3 movies from list - yep
- Keep hair short and sexy - yep, though I would benefit from shorter intervals between visits to the barber
- Whiten teeth more - completed
- Drink lots of water each day - completed, in part thanks to the hydroflask my girl got me
- Take care of skin - sure, why not

All in all, MUCH better than last semester, which isn't saying much. Gonna try to have less goals next semester. Keep things simple. I'm calling this semester a success, though not a resounding one.

Biggest failures were probably not making any guy friends, the C, and not making much money.

Biggest successes were my music progression, 4 As, and of course my relationship, which I think I scored a 99/100 on. At least considering what my goals with her were, I'm not saying there isn't room for much improvement.

 

[Ambiance]

SUMMER 2019

First few days were productive, despite missing my girl. After that, I've been pretty lazy. Been staying up late and sleeping in. Vicious cycle, especially when you're not tired at 1 AM. Been gaming too much, one of my probably two vices. I do have a few jobs lined up, that will get me lots of dough should they work out. More info later.

Girls
Destiny and I text every day. It isn't very fulfilling. It's mostly her telling me about her day, and up until today how stressed she has been with finals. I wish she was more inclined to sexting the way Alexis was, but usually its me doing all the work. Facetime is better, when kept infrequent. I wish she'd ask about my stuff more often. Kinda feels like Mad Men, where Don is telling Betty Roger had a heart attack, and 30 seconds later she is spouting about her latest of turmoils.

One thing that's been on my mind is Chase's advice to stay sharp in relationships by continuing to meet other girls. Much as I love Destiny, I miss the thrill of the hunt. Not having her around is difficult too. I will not hurt her, but it would be prudent to keep bringing girls into my life. How far do I take it though? I don't like the idea of half measures. I guess I could friendzone chicks the same way they do it to us guys. This is one of the few times in my life I've wanted a social circle, where I could hang out with girls without expectations. Gonna have to figure this one out.

Ran into Kristine at my club today, more or less in the same spot where I first met her. She was caught off guard, but happy to see me. Gave her an amused smile, then talked to her off and on throughout her shift while I ate my meal. We flirted a bit, but I was mainly toying with her and didn't try to take it past a certain point. She mentioned her new apartment a few times, and I called her out on it chase frame style. As experienced as she is, I know the game better than she does. After leaving, she sent me a long text saying how good it was to see me. I was nice back, but I'm not pursuing anything while in a relationship. Just laying groundwork for the future should I need it.

General
Have spent a lot of time with my siblings and my best friend. Working out is going pretty well, though I pulled something and have had to be careful. Have spent a good amount of time with my dying grandad, who has gotten much worse since I left for the spring. My dad drives me crazy on a daily basis. That's about it. I have some summer goals, but they're not fleshed out enough to post them, so think I'll wrap up.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey Ambiance,

SUMMER 2019
One thing that's been on my mind is Chase's advice to stay sharp in relationships by continuing to meet other girls. Much as I love Destiny, I miss the thrill of the hunt. Not having her around is difficult too. I will not hurt her, but it would be prudent to keep bringing girls into my life. How far do I take it though? I don't like the idea of half measures.

It is a very good thing for yourself to keep knowing that you can get girls - even if you don't go all the way! Part of the reasons Destiny got attracted to you is your "Lion vibe" - the guy that can fuck girls and knows it. I have found in my own experience of relationships that it is important to keep this vibe on, in order to keep the attraction on. Girls are attracted by the Lion, and when they get one, they try to turn him into a domestic pet. But when the Lion has become a gentle pussy cat, they realize he's no longer the Lion they loved, and start losing attraction.

Keep the Lion alive

There wouldn't be anything wrong to keep your good friend Mr Dick entertained as long as it's a "no big deal" adventure. We guys are able to keep our emotions out of it. But well, if having a quick fling with a girl makes you feel guilty, you could at least try going up to the point that you know that you could have her. Such as stopping short of escalation. Overall good for your mind and vibe, and at the same time help to keep your girl attracted.

 

[Ambiance]

@Seppuku

Great analogy! Some of the best moments of my relationship have been after me exhibiting strong Lion tendencies. For instance, when Destiny finally got me to tell her how experienced I am, she was bewildered and then got super turned on. Think we fucked 4 or 5 times that day. And don't even get me started when she found out I've been with two women at once before (even though I didn't fuck both of them). I still hear about that on a weekly basis. When I get her tipsy she often goes on a rant about all the bitches at my school who keep stealing looks at me

Regarding flings... I don't see much wrong with them in essence. Especially if they don't affect one's girl. I think that's just the nature of men of strength. I do believe they have a propensity to cause someone a world of hurt however. Someday if I decide that true monogamy is not for me, I'd be fine getting some side action so long as either my partner were to never know (or turn a blind eye towards) or if I established my needs to her and she understood. I will never have a two way open relationship however (FBs and maybe low end MLTRs exempted). I'm way too possessive/jealous, which I believe is my prerogative as a man. Anyway, until that day though, I'm gonna keep it to flirting.

As always, thanks for commenting! Super cool to see your articles on the main site. Especially enjoyed your article about the first date being one's best chance.

 

[Ambiance]

SUMMER OVERVIEW

Recently started reading The Unchained Man by Blackdragon. Excellent book, highly recommend. Gonna start using his categories for life management.

Family
Spent a good amount of time, though not as much as I wanted, with my siblings. They are two of my favorite people on Earth, and as they get older our relationships keep improving.

Did not do so well with the rest of my family haha. My grandma (erroneously) accused me of breaking into her house to sneak Destiny out. She did this with very little evidence to warrant her claims (probably because my grandad is dying and she is not handling it well). Not only that, but she never confronted me about it, and my dad took about a week to, so for a week they were total asses to me and I had no idea why. When my dad did bring it up, he was ready to throw me out of the house. I was beyond furious, to the point of smashing stuff, but cooler heads prevailed and I righted the damage. I cut my investment in my grandma in half afterward though. I also ripped her for the part she played in ruining my first semester of college, something I never really did before.

I also blew up at my aunt after she broke something in my car for the umpteenth time. This was something I did not handle well, and I later apologized, but I am still very frustrated with how she handled the damage and ended up never doing shit to fix it.

This all has led me to finally put my foot down. I am not going back there next summer. At the very most, I'd get a place with my best friend for the summer. I would much rather stay in CA however, especially with Destiny being here and having a lease. The question will be how to see my siblings (and my best friend).

Lastly, my mom and I did not have a great summer. It was going well until one day she blew up at my brother big time. It was so bad I felt compelled to take my siblings out for some time. When I dropped them back off, I was colder than I ever have been towards her. Usually when she pulls shit like this I either calmly criticize her, or antagonize her, but not this time.

Can't wait to have my own family someday, free of all this shit I've had to deal with my whole life.

Financial
My finances are the worst they have ever been. I only worked for half the summer due to my own laziness in securing a job. For the first time in my life I ran out of cash. This has since been negated thanks to working the second half of summer and getting cash from my dad per our agreement for me getting A's.

This semester my finances are taking a much more central role. I have broad plans to make at the very least $750 after tax/month, including setting up a tutoring service for AP classes/the ACT. I took 11 APs in high school and got 4s and 5s on 8 of the tests, and of course my 35 on the ACt should be a great way to attract clients. More on this later. I also am more proactive looking for other low time commitment/high reward opportunities, and have several things lined up.

Physical
Wonderful progress here! Redesigned my lifting regimen, and was extremely consistent in getting four lifts a week. Started getting 255 for 4x8 reps on bench, then 265, then 275. This was after over a year of going back and forth between 235 and 245. My last week in Colorado I maxed out at 350. May have been able to get 365 had I eaten and slept well prior. I went up in a bunch of my other lifts too, and started deadlifting, maxing out at 405. That has ways to go to become as exceptional as my bench, but I was still easily the best deadlifter in the gym.

I also took first a week, than over and entire month off sweets! Never thought I could have done this a year ago, but it was easy! My cravings for sweets have gone down, and I have a light 4-pack now. If I can get my BF% down I will finally have a 6 or even 8-pack. Now that I have reached 275 for reps I'm tempted to start cutting, but I also really want to get 405.

Recreational
This was a big focus this summer. Played a lot of games on my iPad, and reminisced over some of my old favorite console games. Also watched a good amount of tv series, including getting my friend into Mad Men. Rick and Morty was probably my favorite find of the summer; Rick is such a great character. The show is funny as hell, and can hit you hard when you least expect it.

I deleted the games that distracted me all summer upon getting to SD. I won't be redownloading them, or getting others. Cutting recreational time is probably the best thing I can do this upcoming semester. I need to be using my free time to develop my ability to make money on my own, or do more productive activities like read or add new music.

That said, I am very excited for Rick and Morty s4, Better Call Saul s5, the new Breaking Bad movie, and a few other things I am forgetting. None of which should take too much time in total.

Now to talk about music. Broke both the 2500 and 2750 song thresholds, and have almost 250 albums rated on Rate Your Music. Melodic Death Metal was the king of the summer, fronted by Dark Tranquillity, Belakor, Scar Symmetry, Insomnium, and Wintersun, with a bunch of new and promising discoveries. I still adore Power Metal, always will, and listened to Kamelot more than anyone other than Dark Tranquillity. Gothic Metal is also a favorite of mine, of which I love Type O Negative, Moonspell, and early The Gathering. Rising genres are Prog, Doom, and Death metal.

Social
Another category that needs fine-tuning, but will probably receive less of my focus while I try to become financially stable. Over the summer I hung out with my best friend 4 times a week, with us trying to time our lifts together and compensating when we couldn't. Man, I love that guy. I also met some people working at the country club, and had some very fun interactions. I also hung out with my dad's girlfriend's son a few times.

Beyond that, was not very social. This is soon to be the biggest hole in my life once I get my finances taken care of, and I really do want to revamp my social life for the better the same way I did with my women life over the past 4 years. Its just a tertiary priority right now.

Spiritual
Not much new to report here. I am sort of a Christian/Deist hybrid. I hate applied religion with a passion and prize knowing what you don't know. That said religion in theory could be great, but unfortunately most of what I have come across is anathema to my beliefs. Religion, philosophy, and science are man's best tools to reach for the divine, yet they all fall short. This leaves us the masters of our own destiny, able to create our own meaning, at least until death.

Anyway I am not going to church, other than when I feel like going with my best friend's family (food is usually involved haha), and only pray when I feel compelled to. I am pretty satisfied with where my spirituality is at, after having spent a lot of thought and energy getting there.

Women
Here we go. This summer was ridiculously challenging. I texted my girl everyday, and probably averaged facetiming her once a week, which was a good amount. She came out the end of June and we had a wonderful week. I pulled out all the stops to set up some fun activities, including going to one of my favorite places, Water World. While there, I went to get my girl a slushie and met another Fascination Girl I totally hit it off with. We talked for 5 minutes or so, but I broke the interaction off without going for a number or anything. I am so in love with my girl, and yet that girl still got to me. This interaction led to some difficult questions I will get to in a bit.

Anyway, we had a blast, and it was very hard saying goodbye to her. Two months went by before I saw her again. During this time, in spite of being crazy for her, I was beyond tempted to cheat. A handful of my old flames got in touch, and I met other super cute girls at restaurants and the club. Knowing what I know, it is in man's nature to not be monogamous. I also know that it is kind of expected for Alphas to cheat, as Blackdragon would put it. The closest I came to cheating was driving to a girl I fucked last summer's house, with her expecting to have sex. But in the end, I held strong to my conviction to not break my word, and I apologized to the girl that I couldn't do anything with her while in a relationship. Was so difficult, and I questioned myself over it the rest of the summer, all while entertaining the thought of doing something with all the other girls hitting me up or flirting with me.

I've realized that cheating is a path I never want to go down. Now that my girl and I are back together the need for other women has gone down substantially, but should it ever become too unbearable I will verbalize my predicament and either restructure the relationship or break up. I also will not take another monogamous girlfriend for a very long time, assuming things with my girl don't ultimately workout. For the time being though, she is more than enough.

I flew her in for a few days before we then drove to SD from Denver. We had one incident where she got visibly depressed while with my friend, embarrassing me, but since then she has surprised me yet again by more than making up for it. I love this girl. The last day she was with me before her dad picked her up was one of the best of our entire relationship, which is really saying something. The past week with her felt like a second honeymoon period. I also have gotten her to sext with me much more than before, with the help of good old operant conditioning, and she now loves giving me head.

...

Whew, that was a long post!

Overall, I'd give this summer a 5/10. Lifting, music, and hanging with my best friend, plus Destiny's visits were terrfic, but I dealt with a lot of shit and didn't make much money. Part of the problem was I didn't have any goals for this summer, other than improve my lifts, hit 2500 and 2750 songs, and see Destiny.

Next post will be about Fall Semester goals. Gonna do less of them, and make them more concrete and doable.

 

[Ambiance]

FALL 2019 GOALS

Family
- Talk with siblings periodically
- Stay on good terms with father

Financial
- Get 5 As, and by extension $15000
- Start tutoring business
- Make at least $750 each month
- Secure internship for summer
- Minimize spending

Physical
- Bench 375
- Deadlift 500
- Hit 12%BF
- Swim/tan several times a week
- Keep hair short and tidy
- Wash skin daily

Recreational
- 3000 songs
- 3500 songs
- 333 albums
- Read 5 books
- Minimize gaming, youtube, reddit, and similar

Social
- Host my best friend
- Visit my best friend
- Make one new great friend

Spiritual
- N/A

Women
- Maintain strong relationship

 

[Ambiance]

Today (technically last night) is a personal holiday. I call it Expectations Day, in honor of the the first time a very special girl and I became lovers. Ever since that night of nights that changed everything, I've often imagined what it would be like if every night was like that night. I can't count how many nights I've been kept up dwelling on this. Wondering when I will be good enough. How much longer I have to go. Nights following a botched seduction were the worst. You see, it had become more than a matter of simply enhancing my sex life. It was a measurement of my worth, a trial of my will and desire, two words my name literally means. I have spent so much of my life on the sidelines, sulking in the shadows... Three years and dozens of nights to rival that first one later, I know a peace I could only speculate upon before. My current relationship alone has probably given me 50 nights rivaling or even surpassing the magic of my beginning, and many more close to it. It's dazzling.

Now to go over my goals:

Family
My grandad died. I went to a very dark place the day of, listening to over a hundred of my most depressing songs. I also found the darkest album I have ever heard. Nothing else I have come across holds a candle (pun intended) to this masterpiece's pure gloom. But I came out of the abyss the next day, and have been good since.

My family took it very hard, and I spent a good amount of time comforting everyone. Believe it or not, the material on this site, particularly Chase's thoughts on the purpose of life and Becker's A Denial of Death helped me be the rock my family needed. It also helped me approach my grandad's death from a very healthy place. I really loved him, and am going to miss him, but it could have been much worse had I not shed many of the religious beliefs and mentalities I was raised under (and it was much worse for my family, particularly my dad).

Financial
What a shitty start. My classes are not going well, and I haven't gotten any clients to tutor. I have been putting my schoolwork on the backburner, and have already paid for it. I really need to get in gear. I also need to learn more about marketing myself, and post more ads. Both of these are to become my top priority by the end of this week. At the very least I have kept expenses very low, in part due to being a highly adept thief

Physical
This is going decent. I pulled something in my shoulder, and went down in my bench and a few other lifts, but kept to the grindstone and went up in others, particularly deadlift. I also have worked my way back to more or less where I was before with bench and the other lifts I fell back in. So I'm calling it a win. I have also been super diligent about going four times each week.

Started doing cardio. It's not where I want it to be yet, but should be great for keeping calorie surpluses in a good place. I am bulking, trying to get that 400 bench, so its not a huge concern.

Doing ok with washing my face daily. Need to grab a haircut soon.

Recreational
Hit 3000 songs today. Very cool feeling. Also finished my first book, and halfway through my second. Have kept YT, Reddit, and similar in a decent place. I also found a website that has virtually everything I want to watch on it for free with no ads, which in part has contributed to my grades and tutoring suffering, but I'm cool with it. Just need to keep it in moderation. If only I had found this website earlier, it is a gold mine.


[b]Social[/b]
I've been more social this semester, but I'm not gonna try to hang out with anyone until tutoring takes off and my grades are solid.

I am visiting my best friend later this month, which coincides with my grandad's funeral and my birthday. Taking my girlfriend too. Should be a memorable weekend.

Spiritual
Guess these entries count as spiritual? Lmao... That one album from the day my grandad died, Angels of Distress, was certainly a spiritual experience. It was a deeper darkness than anything I had ever experienced. Definitely left a mark on me...

Women
Destiny and I are super solid. Our sex has only gotten better somehow. I have turned her into an insatiable fiend about half the time. I have also upped the strength of the orgasms I give her. I'd guess its a combination of her becoming more attuned to her body, and our sex becoming more aggressive. For instance, we both have rape fantasies, and have established code words and enacted our fantasies before, but I took it much further the other night. Before doing so, I made sure she knew all she had to do was say the word and I'd stop immediately. Then I brutalized her with a passion and fury I didn't even know I had. And she loooved it, cumming hard three times in rapid succession. Usually when she cums she can't handle if I keep going, but I wouldn't stop, and had one of the best orgasms of my life. We were so affectionate after that, almost laughably so. I always make sure to build her back up and shower her with love after I am rough with her.

I added to my list of goals total abstinence from pornography. Over the summer I used it to ease my longings, but now that I am back with my girl I need to drop it again. It takes away from the mystique of women.

Alright, that should cover it for now.

 

[Pitcher]

Ambiance,

Duuude, I read through your journal today and what an inspiration! It takes me back to my sophomore year at college (2012) when I first got into self-development/game. You started further along than I did and seem to be learning much quicker too though. Big results. There’s a lot I can learn from your approach.

That feeling of peace you mention, stemming from your relationship success, I’ve never felt that and I long for the day when I do. Your writing really makes all the hard work, painful rejections, and gritty perseverance feel like it is worth it.

The only thing that crossed my mind to add is to ask, have you tried meditation at all or a gratitude practice? Could be some nice yin to go with all the yang I’m feeling in your vibe (lifting big, heavy metal, dominant sex, overall intensity).

Let’s keep ascending.

-onespiritualpitcher

 

[Ambiance]

@Onespiritualpitcher

Thank you for your kind words I'm glad to have inspired you, and after reading some of your posts am happy to say you inspire me as well. For instance, in this link (https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=21457&p=104460#p104460), you detail out a bunch of approaches you did in succession and their results. Having this data is huge, and should I ever find myself single I am going to have to copy you. I also love how you took the plunge and started approaching women hard despite not having done so at that level before. This is something I've only ever given a half measure of effort, and it has always bothered me. Awesome stuff man.

I found peace by intimately understanding a core need I possessed, and then working for it until I had sated it enough. This need I fulfilled was becoming a man capable of making girls who fascinated him fall for him and stay with him. It took awhile, and I kept getting closer and closer only to falter, but finally I figured it out. Having now done this, it no longer nags at me, and new horizons open up.

I've never officially meditated. I don't buy much into Eastern spiritual practices, and already have a great deal of control over my mind. That said I am very reflective, which helps balance out my intensity. Also a big fan of soothing and serene music, and I'm very affectionate with women when I'm not ravaging them or playing the cad.

 

[Ambiance]

Update time:

Family
Flew home with my girlfriend for my grandad's funeral. I was supposed to speak at the following reception, but my thoughts were nothing but somber and depressive, which did not match the mood at all. So I didn't say anything. Still feel like I let him down, but then again, he let me down... We were so very different. I got his strength genes and some of his laziness, but we saw the world in diametrically opposed ways. Still I loved him though.

Later had to see some family members I despise. These people deeply wronged me and got away with it, and I have not retaliated due to not wanting to split the family even further. I sucked up having to be around them, focusing on my siblings and girl. I then got super drunk with my best friend, with my gf spectating. Was a terrific night overall, exactly what I needed, with my spirits soaring the moment I stepped in my best friend's house. However at one point my emotions got to me about my grandad, and I broke down. More on this later. My birthday was the following day. 22 years old...

Financial
Nothing new to report.

Physical
I am going through a bulk right now, trying to regain what I lost in my bench press. It's been a dirtier bulk than is ideal, but I'm enjoying it for what it is. I plan to bulk until I bench 400, and deadlift 500. Even though I only just started deadlifting, it is crazy how close my bench is to my deadlift. On paper my maxes are 365/445 respectively. Most serious lifter can bench around 60-65% of their deadlift, and I'm over the 80% mark. Good and bad thing haha

I'm considering using rogaine/something similar. Kinda dreading taking the plunge, since you lose hair before you get any back and I hate monthly payments. I'm looking forward to going completely bald someday, and not having to worry about hair ever again. Ideally this isn't until my mid thirties.

Recreational
Have given this area too much of my focus. Will I ever learn? At the very least I have been good about not having games on my phone, or playing any of my allowed computer games too much. On the other hand, need to cut back on reddit and youtube.

Music progress is going well. Past 275 albums. It may take me through winter break to hit 333 albums, but I'm cool with that considering my current rate is nice.

Social
Have hung out with my roommates a few times, and several classmates. Social stuff is the least of my focus right now. Still, I'm not a total introvert, and its fun to take it easy with friends.

Spiritual
Here we go. Biggest reason i'm doing this update right now.

My grandad's death made me go over a lot of things. I went to a very dark place, and came out of it with deeper beliefs. Then the funeral happened, and reflecting on his death several weeks removed pulled the curtains back on my new reality. That neither I, nor anyone, knows much about the universe, and that the faith I was raised on has a seriously flawed tribalistic foundation. I always had many problems with Christianity, but ascribed much of them to human error compounded over the centuries, and believed Christianity in its purest form to be absolute. Not so. I won't get into much of it here; many of my arguments have already been expertly covered all over the internet. What matters is finally I am the god of my own history. I exist in this universe for reasons unknown, and have full autonomy in deciding what to do with my time alive. As far as I know, there is no good or evil, at least in the absolutist sense. Merely forces. Forces that control the masses, but control me no longer. I guess I should be grateful that much of my competition is too blind to see things as I do now. It was worth the price of having to go 22 years of being manipulated by forces that don't have my best interests at heart. I can act however I want, and only have to worry of the consequences of this reality.

What to do with this newfound agency? For starters, there are many things I was held back from doing thanks to my religious programming that are now open to new review. Should be interesting... I need to watch The Godfather I+II again.

Beyond this though, an idea that has been brewing at the back of my mind for years is taking form. An idea that my grandfather's death activated. If life were a game for me to play once, which I am now confident for my purposes it is, I would want to transcend it. I want to defy reality; to seize what I chanced into by existing for my own before it is too late. I want to meet Death on my terms.

To do this, I will need masterful strategy both for channeling the world as it is to my own ends, and for solving my posit of ascending past mortality.

It's too late for my grandad. Likely my grandma too. But in a way this is necessary, as the dogmatic modus operandi of their generation takes away from what will be necessary of taking on oblivion. I just hope I am up for the challenge. Otherwise, I am DOOMED. Doomed to watch those I love fall, while wondering if I could have stopped it had I lived up to my potential. Doomed to hope someone else gets there in place of me, and that I and my loved ones will benefit from it. Doomed to fall myself.

Women
Things with my girlfriend had been so splendid lately. Our sex life is reaching new frontiers, I have her wrapped around my finger (which is also a bad thing...), and we are closer than ever before. However last night while I was at the gym she went through my computer without my permission and found my nude collection. I had told her about it before, and would have showed her if she wanted me to and I thought she could handle it. She ended up texting me what she did and begging me to come home. I found myself in the weird position of feeling betrayed and wanting to console her. She was horribly apologetic and very threatened by all my pictures. I ended up forgiving her, reaffirming my love for her, and letting her stay, telling her that seeing what she saw was punishment enough.

Still, it is frustrating. I know women are susceptible to behavior like this, especially when with a man who dominates their thoughts and fears the way I do. Hell, I used to be susceptible back when I had way less abundance. I'm let down by her though. Perhaps even worse has been the eggshells she's been walking on around me since. It's kind of a turnoff. There is such a dark side to making girls fall hard for you. I don't think it is worth it anymore. I long for more balance in my relationships. I hope this period fades, and things go back to normal.

...

This journal was made to hone my focus towards going after what is necessary for me to have lived a worthy life. My focus on women, for better or worse, takes up a big chunk of that. I am doing quite well, having reached a certain level in my abilities to get and keep women, and have racked up experiences that more than satisfy most of my old longings. But a life well lived, at least for me, is an exceptional one. I am not exceptional yet. And I am certainly not yet the individual capable of learning to ascend past the limits of mortality, which is closer to my true meaning of the best that I can do, Ascension.

 

[Ambiance]

FALL 2019 GOALS - RESULTS
Completed goals italicized

Family
- Talk with siblings periodically
- Stay on good terms with father

Probably the easiest of my goals. I was there for my family when my grandad died, and have gone out of my way to be more pleasant to my dad.

Financial
- Get 5 As, and by extension $15000 - FAIL - only got 2 As
- Start tutoring business- FAIL
- Make at least $750 each month - FAIL
- Secure internship for summer - FAIL
- Minimize spending

Totally bombed here. However, made a monumental decision to drop my accounting major. This will save me thousands, both in allowing me to graduate in 3.5 semesters rather than 4, and by shedding a bunch of classes I probably would have had to pay for per my deal with my dad. If only I had the vision to minimize my time in college and dump accounting back when I first came back on my own. Would have saved me even more, and I'd probably have a higher GPA.

Also didn't make any money. It was overshadowed by my girlfriend, lifting, and recreation. On the plus side, I saved myself a couple thousand through my own "creative" methods It helped that my dad was too occupied to transfer ownership of my car, which saved me a bunch in insurance fees too.

Physical
- Bench 375 - FAIL - got hurt:/
- Deadlift 500 - FAIL - got 445
- Hit 12%BF - FAIL - changed goal, ended up bulking to 225
- Swim/tan several times a week - FAIL
- Keep hair short and tidy
- Wash skin daily - FAIL

Here my failures were not for lack of effort. I hurt my chest and rotator cuff early on in the semester, and as a result actually went down in bench until the very end of the semester. However, I was more consistent and aggressive than ever in the gym, which is saying something. I went up in every single lift, barring bench. I did not deadlift 500, but admittedly it was naive of me to think I could raise my max 100 lbs in 3 months. I am pleased with my progress, especially for hitting 225 for the first time in my life. Now it is time to cut the extra fat I've put on, something I will get into when I do my Spring Goals.

I also need to address some issues with my skin next semester. My scalp is always itching, and I believe scratching it all these years greatly contributed to some hair loss. There are other areas I need to address too.

Recreational
- 3000 songs
- 3500 songs
- 333 albums
- Read 5 books - FAIL - read two
- Minimize gaming, youtube, reddit, and similar - FAIL

The bulk of my focus this semester. Hitting 333 albums was a stretch, but ended up just barely getting that last one on the plane home. Found many wonderful artists, albums, and even genres. Got very into Thrash Metal, with bands like Dark Angel, Megadeth, Coroner, and even Metallica often challenging my favorite artists. Still love Power Metal, Melodeath, Prog Metal, Gothic Metal, and other stuff I've mentioned before.

On the other hand, spent waaay too much time on Reddit and Youtube, and broke one of my cardinal rules by downloading a game on my phone, which sucked up too much of my time. I finally got myself to delete it during finals week, which felt so liberating, but the damage was done. I also finally put time limits on YT and Reddit, and will try to adhere to them. If I am going to be engaging in recreation, it needs to be centered around developing my literary, cinematic, and musical tastes.

Social
- Host my best friend - FAIL - something came up:/
- Visit my best friend
- Make one new great friend - FAIL

Put very little effort into socializing, despite being a generally nice guy to people. Someday I will build a social life to be proud of, but its not a focus right now, and my goals next year will reflect that better. Most people my age, at least at my school, don't interest me too much, as they are not very focused on building anything.

Spiritual
- Maintain journal/timeline
- Establish beliefs

I may have grown more in this regard than any other. As mentioned before, my grandad died, which provided the final impetus needed for me to shed my Christian upbringing, and as a result achieve a worthwhile Mission, something that has always eluded me. I have embraced my own conclusions, and while I still believe in a higher power, I will be taking a much more proactive route towards Ascending beyond human plights, the greatest of which is being restricted to a century of life.

Women
- Maintain strong relationship
- No porn - FAIL

Had a plethora of good times with my girl. We have such chemistry, her body drives me wild, and she has so many great qualities. I worry though if I will have to break her heart someday. She loves me so much, is so sold on me, and depends on me a great deal. It's nice, but can be stifling. I try to keep her rational and independent, but it is too far gone at this point. Such is the burden of being the one up I guess. I wonder how sustainable it is, especially with someone like me. There is such a dark side to love. It is not the end all be all I once thought it was.

In accordance with allowing myself to have a game on my phone, my pornography intake has also become a problem. It is very difficult to break this time around, both because I get as much sex as I want despite watching porn, and because I long for variety. There are so many girls out there I would just love to have. Lately I've been obsessed with fit girls, who make it clear they do squats and have such amazing waists. It has also been so long since I had a true blonde bombshell.

-----
One might think this semester was a categorical failure, but due to decisions I made at the end and the vision I have now, I view it as necessary. I feel as if a new era of my life has begun, one in which I for once am the sole orchestrator of my own destiny.

 

[Sub-Zero]

FALL 2019 GOALS - RESULTS
Completed goals italicized

Family
- Talk with siblings periodically
- Stay on good terms with father

Probably the easiest of my goals. I was there for my family when my grandad died, and have gone out of my way to be more pleasant to my dad.

Financial
- Get 5 As, and by extension $15000 - FAIL - only got 2 As
- Start tutoring business- FAIL
- Make at least $750 each month - FAIL
- Secure internship for summer - FAIL
- Minimize spending

Totally bombed here. However, made a monumental decision to drop my accounting major. This will save me thousands, both in allowing me to graduate in 3.5 semesters rather than 4, and by shedding a bunch of classes I probably would have had to pay for per my deal with my dad. If only I had the vision to minimize my time in college and dump accounting back when I first came back on my own. Would have saved me even more, and I'd probably have a higher GPA.

Also didn't make any money. It was overshadowed by my girlfriend, lifting, and recreation. On the plus side, I saved myself a couple thousand through my own "creative" methods It helped that my dad was too occupied to transfer ownership of my car, which saved me a bunch in insurance fees too.

Physical
- Bench 375 - FAIL - got hurt:/
- Deadlift 500 - FAIL - got 445
- Hit 12%BF - FAIL - changed goal, ended up bulking to 225
- Swim/tan several times a week - FAIL
- Keep hair short and tidy
- Wash skin daily - FAIL

Here my failures were not for lack of effort. I hurt my chest and rotator cuff early on in the semester, and as a result actually went down in bench until the very end of the semester. However, I was more consistent and aggressive than ever in the gym, which is saying something. I went up in every single lift, barring bench. I did not deadlift 500, but admittedly it was naive of me to think I could raise my max 100 lbs in 3 months. I am pleased with my progress, especially for hitting 225 for the first time in my life. Now it is time to cut the extra fat I've put on, something I will get into when I do my Spring Goals.

I also need to address some issues with my skin next semester. My scalp is always itching, and I believe scratching it all these years greatly contributed to some hair loss. There are other areas I need to address too.

Recreational
- 3000 songs
- 3500 songs
- 333 albums
- Read 5 books - FAIL - read two
- Minimize gaming, youtube, reddit, and similar - FAIL

The bulk of my focus this semester. Hitting 333 albums was a stretch, but ended up just barely getting that last one on the plane home. Found many wonderful artists, albums, and even genres. Got very into Thrash Metal, with bands like Dark Angel, Megadeth, Coroner, and even Metallica often challenging my favorite artists. Still love Power Metal, Melodeath, Prog Metal, Gothic Metal, and other stuff I've mentioned before.

On the other hand, spent waaay too much time on Reddit and Youtube, and broke one of my cardinal rules by downloading a game on my phone, which sucked up too much of my time. I finally got myself to delete it during finals week, which felt so liberating, but the damage was done. I also finally put time limits on YT and Reddit, and will try to adhere to them. If I am going to be engaging in recreation, it needs to be centered around developing my literary, cinematic, and musical tastes.

Social
- Host my best friend - FAIL - something came up:/
- Visit my best friend
- Make one new great friend - FAIL

Put very little effort into socializing, despite being a generally nice guy to people. Someday I will build a social life to be proud of, but its not a focus right now, and my goals next year will reflect that better. Most people my age, at least at my school, don't interest me too much, as they are not very focused on building anything.

Spiritual
- Maintain journal/timeline
- Establish beliefs

I may have grown more in this regard than any other. As mentioned before, my grandad died, which provided the final impetus needed for me to shed my Christian upbringing, and as a result achieve a worthwhile Mission, something that has always eluded me. I have embraced my own conclusions, and while I still believe in a higher power, I will be taking a much more proactive route towards Ascending beyond human plights, the greatest of which is being restricted to a century of life.

Women
- Maintain strong relationship
- No porn - FAIL

Had a plethora of good times with my girl. We have such chemistry, her body drives me wild, and she has so many great qualities. I worry though if I will have to break her heart someday. She loves me so much, is so sold on me, and depends on me a great deal. It's nice, but can be stifling. I try to keep her rational and independent, but it is too far gone at this point. Such is the burden of being the one up I guess. I wonder how sustainable it is, especially with someone like me. There is such a dark side to love. It is not the end all be all I once thought it was.

In accordance with allowing myself to have a game on my phone, my pornography intake has also become a problem. It is very difficult to break this time around, both because I get as much sex as I want despite watching porn, and because I long for variety. There are so many girls out there I would just love to have. Lately I've been obsessed with fit girls, who make it clear they do squats and have such amazing waists. It has also been so long since I had a true blonde bombshell.

-----
One might think this semester was a categorical failure, but due to decisions I made at the end and the vision I have now, I view it as necessary. I feel as if a new era of my life has begun, one in which I for once am the sole orchestrator of my own destiny.

What did you change your major to?

 

[ElderPrice]

Lol I found it funny how you kept writing FAIL. But it's clear you're growing. Keep it up!

 

[Ambiance]

@Sub-Zero
Had it as an accounting/finance double major. Now just a finance single major.

@ElderPrice
Haha makes it easy to distinguish between successes and failures. Thanks for your kind words!

 

[Ambiance]

SPRING 2020 GOALS

Family
- Talk with siblings periodically
- Stay on good terms with father

Financial
- Get 5 As, and by extension $15000
- Make at least $750/month
- Secure internship
- Minimize spending

Physical
- Bench 375
- Deadlift 475
- Hit 12%BF
- No sweets/junk food
- Swim/tan weekly
- Fix all skin issues
- Drink ample water

Recreational
- Limit downtime
- 5000 songs
- 400 albums
- 4 books from list
- 5 movies from list

Social
- Host best friend
- Make new friends

Spiritual
- Maintain timeline
- Create Master Plan

Women
- Grow relationship
- Figure out future
- Quit porn for good

 

[Ambiance]

Let us do a much overdue update:

Family
Saw everyone over Spring Break for my maternal grandfather's funeral. I was not close to him, but it of course is not fun losing a family member. Got to talk with him via facetime a week or two before he died. He was in a very pondering mood, similar to how I imagine I'll be once that time inevitably comes. I've always known he and I were fairly similar, especially our darker sides, which is why I was never close to him growing up. Anyway was good seeing my siblings. Also got to reconnect with some cousins.

Financial
I have gotten more *creative* in saving money. My methods have also become more sustainable, which is crucial.

I also got all my straight A money. However, have got to get a source of income, and fast, especially after reading Total Recall. I hate the fact that I can't buy all these discounted stocks right now.

School is going fairly well. Have aced my first two tests. Am behind in a class, and will have to work hard to catch up.

Physical
Was sick for a bit recently, and skipped almost an entire week of lifting, but otherwise am the strongest I have ever been. I can do the entire rack for high reps for all my major machine exercises with the exception of Lat Pulls, which I am very close to getting. My bench and deadlift have remained the same however. Gonna start trying higher weight and lower reps, similar to Arnold.

I also have been meticulously tracking calories, as well as revamping my entire diet. I am finding it easy to hit 3000 calories a day, which is 300-400 below my maintenance number. I am also typically getting over 200g of protein a day, though I want it to be over 250. This is the most on top of my diet I have ever been, and by a long shot. I have already lost a good portion of my stomach after last semester's dirty bulk. Things are looking very up. Currently around the 215-218 mark, and actually stronger than I was last semester, which is wild.

I need to get my skin checked up on soon. Can't keep putting this off.

Recreational
Hit 4000 songs, pretty cool feeling. Have about 20 albums to go to hit my goal of 400 albums. I will want to then hit 500 by my 23rd birthday, after which I will have completed what I sought out to do with music, and will shift my focus towards other things, while still continuing to explore.

I also finished Total Recall by Arnold after having it recommended by Blackdragon's blog. Loved it. He is an inspiration in so many ways. I don't think many people realize how smart he is. Takeaways from the book include throwing myself into things more, owning my Mission and keeping it on the forefront of my mind, the ubiquitous importance of sales, practical investing/understanding value, and to trailblaze rather than follow everyone else.

I also (re)read a fascinating series of articles that use characters from The Office to comment on social hierarchies. The articles suggested people fall into three camps: Sociopaths, who see past the illusion of "group mentality" and set their own rules, Clueless, who completely buy into systems without realizing exactly why, and Losers, or those who aren't Machiavellian like Sociopaths, nor buy into the system like Clueless do, and find fulfillment elsewhere to distract from the fact they lack agency over their lives. The author Venkat explains it better, but essentially Sociopaths (not to be taken in the clinical sense as devoid of empathy, but as people with a distrust for the system and who only play by its rules when it suits them, of varying degrees of benevolence and malevolence; examples include Hitler, Nelson Mandela, Jesus, Gandhi) are at the top and promote over-performing Clueless as a buffer between them and Losers. Michael Scott is the paragon of Cluelessdom, flanked by Dwight and Andy. Sociopaths of varying levels of functionality include David Wallace, Ryan the Temp, Jan, Daryll, and to some extent Jim, who oscillates between Loserdom and Sociopathy. I am certainly overall a Sociopath, and have been most of my life, though have had plenty Clueless moments, mostly due to values instilled in me by my father. I have also subconsciously been aware of the categories, though having them put to paper enhances my understanding of the phenom tremendously. It is fasincating labeling all the people in my life, and I'm finding that the people I respect the most are all at least part Sociopath. If anyone wants to go into greater detail feel free to PM me.

Beyond that, still having problems with wasting too much time on Reddit and Youtube, though the limits I set have curtailed this a fair bit. Will have to keep staying busy to limit my exposure.

Social
Pretty irrelevant. Have been antisocial due to being so busy. Also have gotten bored of anyone who is Clueless, which includes my roommate. I did get to host my best friend (who is an extreme Sociopath like me), which was a blast. He brought his new girl, and its cool to see how crazy they are about each other due to it being a new relationship.

Spiritual
Not too much to report here. My beliefs are the same that they were as of last entry. I did slip with porn for a bit, but have it under control again. Slowly but surely I will eradicate it from my life. I also still need to flesh out my Master Plan.

Women
My relationship has been very interesting. Had a series of fights with my girlfriend. Essentially she became less enthusiastic about sex, and per the advice of this site I immediately pulled away, to which she freaked out. I later got it through to her how much of a need sex is for me, and that I would hate to have to get sex elsewhere but would do so if my needs weren't being met. Well, that fixed it, and sex is back to form.

Graduating early/rereading some of my favorite relationship articles has given me a gameplan for the rest of our relationship. I adore her, and she has been an incredibly beneficial and necessary part of my life. I hate the idea of ever having to leave her. But I know deep down I don't want to marry her. I'm not the biggest fan of her family, especially her brother, and don't think she is improvement oriented enough. That said, I'd love too have her around indefinitely, to be there for her the rest of our lives, though this might not be practical. We're likely in for some pain down the road, probably around the 2 year drop, and it sucks to foresee this, but I'm going to enjoy her with all I got for the time being. I waited for someone like her for so long, and our relationship has been spectacular. I just have so much more to do when it comes to women...

 

[Ambiance]

What a semester that turned out to be. I'm going to go over my goals, then provide some thoughts and updates, as well as compile some summer goals in a new post. Italics for successes, bold for failures.

FALL 2019 GOALS

Family
- Talk with siblings periodically - easy, but important goal
- Stay on good terms with father - did well at this up until recently, when I against wisdom challenged his faith and indoctrination of myself and my siblings. This is something better done once I am on my own from a financial standpoint, but I couldn't wait. More on this below.

Financial
- Get 5 As, and by extension $15000 - I got two As. I was doing well in 4 classes but did not respond well to my school going online. I attended maybe 10 classes following COVID19, and didn't get organized until it was too late. It is remarkable I still got two As. Had I gotten organized and updated my calendar with all the revised syllabi early, I would have likely ended up with 4 As, even if I went to the same amount of class. One class I missed something like 8 quizzes in, but still managed a B due to knowing the material cold (got a 100 on the final, and was one of few who successfully completed a brutal EC quiz that made the final look like cake).
- Make at least $750 each month - you could say I *made* several hundred a month through my various *methods*, though the goal was to have a job that paid $750 a month which I completely failed at.
- Secure internship for summer - this one I don't blame myself so much for. All the internship programs I applied for got cancelled. I do have an interview for an internship back at home tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.
- Minimize spending - while I did go out to eat more than I would have liked to, on the whole I saved a lot of money. I learned how to cook at home at a much higher level, which was great for my wallet and my gut. And I barely paid for any of the food.

Physical
- Bench 375 - gyms got shut down. That said I wasn't great about home workouts.
- Deadlift 475 - see above
- Hit 12%BF - this one is interesting. I started tracking calories, and as mentioned ate healthier. However, my muscles have atrophied a bit and my lack of physical activity coupled with going out a decent amount made me fatter, despite a lower median of calories consumed. I'm not worried; once the gyms open and I continue honing my diet this shouldn't be a problem.
- Swim/tan weekly - could have spent more time outside. Of course the pools were closed (which is fucking gay) so no issue there.
- Fix all skin issues - saw a dermatologist but they did jack shit. Gonna see another one this summer sometime.
- Drink ample water - was pretty good at this
Sidenote: I ended up growing the first real beard I've had, and it was GLORIOUS. Very full and sexy. The day I got back to CO i got a haircut and looked maybe the hottest I ever have. Women are going to fall at my knees whenever I reenter the dating pool. Sadly I shaved it for an upcoming interview and also since it is so hot, but plan to grow another one this fall.

Recreational
- Limit downtime - was on Youtube and Reddit far too often, to the detriment of all my other goals, in spite of having controls set up for them.
- 4000 songs - finally, some real successes. To think I started this semester under 4000 songs. I am now at 4750. Blew away my goal, and my musical world has never been exploding like it is now. I have gotten very into Black and Thrash Metal, and am starting to get into Death Metal. I have reached a point where I have so many exceptional bands to listen to that I'm almost always in a state of novelty. Among my new favorites are Emperor, Death, Coronor, Vektor, and Moonsorrow. Emperor's two acclaimed albums, In The Nightside Eclipse and Anthems to the Welkins at Dusk, are some of the strongest albums I've ever heard, and all the more special since they are back to back. I fell in love with Death's Symbolic, and have checked out most of their other material and found it almost as good. Coronor and Vektor are both fantastic Thrash bands, and while they have been somewhat eclipsed by my black metal fanaticism, I anticipate honing in on them in the near future.
- 5000 songs - this was unrealistic and I got rid of it early into the semester. Close to it now though.
- 400 albums - discovered/got into many albums this semster, but one stands above them all. Moonsorrow became the third of hundreds of artists I enjoy to break my 5 Star threshold with their album VERISAKEET. Their style is a blend of black and folk metal that can only be properly called EPIC PAGAN METAL. I'd heard them early into my musical career, and while I liked it my tastes weren't ready for it at the time. Once black metal clicked falling head over heels for Verisakeet was a forgone conclusion. It's composed of four 14+ minute songs and an outro, and somehow they enrapture listeners the entire sitting. The middle song Pimea may be one of the top 5 songs I have ever heard. This music is not for everyone, and it took me awhile to open up to the wonders of extreme metal, but now that I am here I have never been so blown away and fulfilled, other than through my other three 5 Star albums (Epica, The Black Halo, and October Rust).
- 4 movies from list - read one, Total Recall.
- 5 movies from list - hit this one! My favorite of the 5 was The Outlaw Josie Wales. Clint was the epitome of smooth.

Social
- Host best friend - check, as mentioned in a prior entry
- Make new friends - didn't happen. I'm nice and outgoing, but very guarded, and quarantine didn't help.

Spiritual - This is henceforth to be known as Personal now that I am not spiritual (though still spirited!)
- Maintain timeline - check
- Create Master Plan - worked on it, but its not ready. That's ok though. I have my foundation now. I have officially solidified my existential beliefs, as well as answered almost all my questions regarding religion and belief systems and death. I understand on an intimate level how religion came to be, what purposes it served, how it was selected for, how it gets in the way of science, and why it must be eventually eradicated. My Mission, something I lacked for when I found this site, is set and ongoing. I intend to maximize my chances at achieving an indefinite lifespan through whatever means necessary. I believe this is on the horizon, especially after spending several days devouring information on the state of longevity research. Aubrey de Grey's approach seems most promising. I despise most charity, but investing in longevity research seems the most benevolent and pragmatic use of my resources outside of supporting myself and an eventual family, and will be the impetus for my career aspirations. It's somewhat ironic... Churchgoers tithe at the promise of eternal life, so is this longevity stuff only a substitution, or even a "new" religion? Well, unlike religion, which has it's foundations set upon tribalistic guesses as to how the universe works, with no regard for rationality or proper validation of beliefs, I don't see why the body, biological machine that it is, can't be preserved through proper maintenance given enough knowledge of it's functions. And should things go well, who knows how long we will be constrained to our own biology. I envision a transhumanistic future where biology and technology hybridize on a micro level. The one thing I'm worried about is a societal setback, eg the collapse of Rome into the Dark Ages. The rage I would feel to have been born in a time of advancement only to miss out on ascending beyond regular mortality simply due to the stupidity of my fellow humans...

Women
- Grow relationship - this was a tough period for my girlfriend and I. While we still have our usual intimacy and love, I have heavily challenged her and her beliefs, really in a last ditch attempt to get her to convince me she can remain so close to me as I set out to achieve my radical goals. She is a solid Christian, not to mention socioeconomic differences existing between us, or my growing need to turn away from monogamy forever. It is hard to love someone so much when you know it's not a perfect match. She and I "broke up" several times only for her to run back to me right after following disagreements. It's not fair for me to push her into a role she isn't. I wish she were more open-minded though.
- Figure out future - As you could guess, I've more or less rationally prepared to move on. My emotions are not ready to do this. My girlfriend in many regards is perfect. There are parts of her personality I will never fall out of love with. She has also been so good to me and my family. How can I turn away from that? I've thought of breaking up, then coming back a few months later but being unexclusive.
- Quit porn for good - struggled in bursts with this. It sucks being a relationship when your girl is hours away at home for the upcoming week.

Now, some thoughts. Coronavirus, and Western Civilization's response to it is beyond stupid. We should have worn masks rather than shut the whole economy down, and quarantined only at risk people. Unlimited quantitative easing is beyond retarded, because the Fed won't be able to help themselves from printing liquidity going forward, which at best will send countries relying on the dollar into a zombie-economy state, at at worst devalue everything. The BLM shit going on right now, while indicative of deep social strife, is also ridiculous and perpetuated by our beyond evil sensationalistic media. I'm almost impressed people are rioting and burning buildings down, having thought most people these days were too big of pussies to challenge the government. Though a lot of these morons fail to realize the people whose businesses they just destroyed likely share their own beliefs about police brutality and racism. So many problems in the world, and everyone around me is getting fired up about it like the sheep they are, and now I am fired up about it in a different but equally destructive way out of the sheer disgust. I would honestly love to see the world burn for real, if only it wouldn't interfere with my goals. You want to know what would actually solve people's biggest problems? CURING DEATH. And good luck getting religion to do that, or sending out emails or sharing your story that you have "sOlIdArItY" with the black community, or whatever the fuck that means. It's just the latest "ThOuGhTs AnD pRaYeRs". God I am becoming such a misanthrope. This is not good. I guess I could always go full sociopath and manipulate everyone and give up hope in a common decency. Why can't people be more rational? My best friend for instance still believes in a higher power, but his arguments are carefully rooted in philosophy and metaphysics, and we have a strong mutual respect for each other because we both know what we don't know and realize what we have is the best we got. Alright, rant over.

Overall, pretty shit semester, though it was fun. I relaxed, ate well, watched some phenomenal television with Better Call Saul, found a lot of great music, and got to the bottom of a lot of issues. There is only the road ahead now. And I for once get to decide all the rules.

 

[Ambiance]

SUMMER 2020 GOALS

Family
- Spend lots of time with siblings
- Don't alienate father

Financial
- Get a job
- Make $3k
- Minimize spending

Personal
- Master Plan
- Journal/Timeline

Physical
- Return to max strength (Bench 275 4x8, Incline 225 4x8, Lats 225 4x8, Curls 65s 4x8, DL 335 4x8, Military Press 75s 4x8, etc)
- Track calories daily
- 120 oz water daily
- Hit 12%BF
- Cure skin affliction

Recreational
- 500 albums
- The Sopranos
- 2 books
- 3 movies
- Completely beat Skyrim

Social
- Go out once a week if feasible

Women
- Have girlfriend visit
- Take her to amusement park

 

[ray_zorse]

SUMMER 2020 GOALS

Family
- Spend lots of time with siblings
- Don't alienate father

Financial
- Get a job
- Make $3k
- Minimize spending

Personal
- Master Plan
- Journal/Timeline

Physical
- Return to max strength (Bench 275 4x8, Incline 225 4x8, Lats 225 4x8, Curls 65s 4x8, DL 335 4x8, Military Press 75s 4x8, etc)
- Track calories daily
- 120 oz water daily
- Hit 12%BF
- Cure skin affliction

Recreational
- 500 albums
- The Sopranos
- 2 books
- 3 movies
- Completely beat Skyrim

Social
- Go out once a week if feasible

Women
- Have girlfriend visit
- Take her to amusement park

This is totally awesome, I like how you are very organised in your goals and holding yourself accountable.

I totally agreed with your comments on the Covid and the printing of money, it is lunacy. For more on this check http://mises.org/wire the articles are very good. Also I watched Better Call Saul

I'm sorry to hear that your internships got cancelled. Hopefully more opportunities will open up as Covid thing dies down.

The main thing. I wanted to write about (feedback that I thought I could usefully contribute) is in regard to your relationship.

My wife is also a conservative Christian (I am not) and totally believes in and insists upon monogamy (I think it is unnatural).

The thing to keep in mind is, a woman will not accept a backward step. So if you were in a monogamous relationship it cannot be turned into an open relationship.

Chase had an article on this, I can't remember anything else about the article so I can't link to it, but he was clear that women will not accept a backward step and I believe this is very true and useful advice.

For my part I had to accept compromise -- while I think the monogamy is wrong and that she ultimately hurts herself since a caged male is so much less exciting to be with (for example, I tried to arrange a threesome with attractive property manager in Thailand and later with a hospital nurse who both seemed receptive to my moves but my wife rejected and kiboshed both schemes as she was insecure and jealous of their youth and attractiveness, as well as believing she isn't attracted to women)... my relationship also has very great features so it is a matter of overall cost/benefit I think.

cheers, Ray