Barry's Social Circle Journal

[BarryS1]

Decided I wanted to push outside my comfort zone by meeting women and friends via social circle. Since August, I have done strictly cold-approach. Picking up girls has been the majority of my social interaction and I want to change that.

By social circle, I mean meeting up at least once per week with a group of people.

From 2010-present (excluding 2012), I have gone through life without a steady group of friends. I make new friends on a one-at-a-time basis and usually meet up together and have food. The friends I see a couple times of year have been in my life since middle school, so they count as a outer circle. I refraned from social circle because of my time constraint while I was in college. I was DEAD SET on finding my career objective and moving out right when I graduated, that I threw all my school friends away. I did get a job and set my career objective straight, but do to have enough money to move out of the house yet Before college, social circle was very difficult for me and looked exactly like my 2012 experience.

My past experience with social circle in 2012 at a college business club:
-Did not enjoy hanging out with people, only to get out of the house and not be recluse
-Tried to be the funny guy
-Everyone made me the butt of the jokes
-People criticized me for being single and/or thought I was gay for never bringing a girl around
-I could never enter a conversation without sounding stupid
-I was never invited to someone’s house for a party (except for really big events in which the professors were invited)
-Girls in the group patronized me all the time
-Guys never returned any favors

Long story short, making friends and staying social has never been fun for me. I put myself through the crap because I am an extrovert - I get energy from talking to others, no matter if it is a positive or negative experience. I am determined to change this part of my life and get respect and women via social circle - just like I did with my dating life with cold-approach.

My New Social Circles:
-A 20 & 30s party group on Meetup.com
-Self Defense Class
-Gym

What type of girls I want to meet via social circle:
-Professional between 25-35 y.o.
-Athletic >25 y.o.

About me:
-Working remotely from home as a non-paid programming intern
-Never traveled except for a European trip three years ago
-Born & raised in the same city
-College graduate
-3 guy friends and 1 female friend who I only see like 2-4 times/year


I’ll be posting FRs and ways I plan on improving myself in social situations.

 

[BarryS1]

I have been interested in getting into the fitness niche, but do not have the funds for going to every event. There are a lot of running and obstacle course events in my area, but cost $50-70 each unless booked 3 months in advance.

Solution: start volunteering for 5 and 10K runs in my area. Do not spend money on going to events.

Goal: volunteer for 7 events before the end of August. That's almost every weekend

 

[BarryS1]

I've come across some situations where I have been bragging about myself - especially the job part. In my social circles, I am nowhere NEAR the success of the other people, but wanted to have something relatable.

Dialing down the value volume article:

Here's some characteristics about myself:

-Got a job right out of college in my desired field.
-Enrolled in a self-defense class that I've been taking for 6 months.
-Got a nice car



Self-Depreciating Remarks:
-I got a job right out of college, but it's not that great - I'm working remotely right now. I'm sure I'll be invited to the office eventually.
-I've been doing the self-defense class since the beginning of the year, but its not that long. The instructors get my name right most of the time.
-I got a Saleen, but I got it because it has stick. I love the feeling of being in absolute control of the machine.

 

[BarryS1]

Social Circle Analysis: Self-Defense Class

I've been really lazy making friends and talking to girls the last 6 months of starting the class. The only date and I got is when a girl asked me out by stopping me from backing out in the parking lot.

My Schedule:

-I usually go to class twice a week at 5-6pm M, W, and/or F.
-I try to get to class 10-15min. early to talk to people.

My Friends:

-I know about 20 guys of all age by name now, but nothing more than small talk.
-I know all the level one instructors and they know my name.
-I keep talking to this one asian girl lawyer (mid-20s) for social proof. We have a lot of loud conversations, plus shes in great physical shape.

My Approaches:

-15 Situational approaches with banter.
-Never felt comfortable enough to number close for a date.

The Crowd:

-Unless I go to the 5pm classes, there are no girls within 15 yrs. my age.
-High turnover rate in the 5pm classes - at least 5 new girls a week b/c of a 2 week free trial.

My Goal:

-Situationally approach 2 new girls every class.

 

[BarryS1]

FR: New Friend

I went on a date with a girl I cold-approached when doing car game at the end of June. I forgot what she looked like because it had been a month ago. She was in a relationship at the time b/c her bf sent me a threatening text message after sending my ice-breaker. I didn't text her after that, but she sent a message over the weekend. We agreed to meet at a buffet place yesterday evening. She invited me to a party over the weekend, but I declined.

When she came in the door, I was like "Crap, she's like Taylor Swift but uglier." She has a bubbly personality, but I decided to use her as a friend instead. I steered the conversation from deep-diving to planning fun events for us to have together. I friendzoned this girl w/o telling her my intentions to be non-sexual (oops). Eventually, I'll break the ice and say "I'm just too lazy to date, can we just hang out?" She invited me to an event tomorrow, but I am busy during the weekdays.

I am excited to see what type of friends she has b/c they are her co-workers.

 

[BarryS1]

I've been doing terrible the last month on social circle. I have not gone to any Meetup.com events (b/c nothing has been posted) nor met any new girls at my self-defense class. I usually go in the mornings, so all the same dedicated people go.

Also, I haven't registered to volunteer at any running event yet I'll book some for the month of August.

FR: Gym

I went to the neighborhood gym for the first time in the morning this summer. The only girls my age were with a guy (boyfriend, fuckbuddy, ect.) hugging, kissing, and PDA. I saw four groups like this today, I mean what gives?


Solution:

-Go to self-defense class at 5pm.
-Volunteer ahead of time.

 

[metomeya]

Wow, you remind me a lot of myself (except I'm more of an introvert).

With regards to not feeling respected, do you think maybe you talk too much? I certainly don't get that impression with your writing. But typically, that is usually when I see people get disrespected. Just a thought.

-Girls in the group patronized me all the time

That means they like you. If they didn't like you, they would have nothing to do with you. When I was in high school, I would say dumb things and they would patronize me (I think a lot of introverts use too much sarcasm to carry on conversations...I did). Later they would always come on to me...

Later in life, when I learned to talk less, but say more, those same kind of girls would love to be around me, but would never give me a hard time.

The one meetup I liked was the 20s & 30s groups. But honestly, for social circle, I find casual, out of the blue meetings the best way to meet people. Like talking to a stranger off the street and focus on making them into a friend and not a date. All the classes, events, and volunteering I did was really just so try hard and didn't really benefit me at all. It was just too robotic at the end. Friendships are organic not mechanical.

Anyway, just stuff to think about.

 

[Gentle_Phrases]

Subscribed.

 

[BarryS1]

Hey Metomeya!

With regards to not feeling respected, do you think maybe you talk too much? I certainly don't get that impression with your writing. But typically, that is usually when I see people get disrespected. Just a thought.

Yeah before last year, I was a motherf@#$%-ing talk-o-saurus rex. I had no social calibration, but ended up saying stupid stuff all the time. I wouldn't be the one to start conversations, but when someone did talk to me, I couldn't stop. Nowadays, I focus on content and saying fewer words.

-Girls in the group patronized me all the time

That means they like you. If they didn't like you, they would have nothing to do with you. When I was in high school, I would say dumb things and they would patronize me (I think a lot of introverts use too much sarcasm to carry on conversations...I did). Later they would always come on to me...

Later in life, when I learned to talk less, but say more, those same kind of girls would love to be around me, but would never give me a hard time.

It took me awhile to learn that too. In the past any interaction with girls would follow the same path. patronizing me ---> me going along with it and sending it back ---> them treating me like a girl (friendzoned) ---> me getting bitter and becoming rude back ---> girls getting confused and trying to reach out ---> me cutting the cord and not talking.

This cycle happened from middle school all the way to the end of college (until finding this site). Yeah, one big change was being serious and not giving them any energy for them to feed off of! Being a push-over didn't help either!

The one meetup I liked was the 20s & 30s groups. But honestly, for social circle, I find casual, out of the blue meetings the best way to meet people. Like talking to a stranger off the street and focus on making them into a friend and not a date. All the classes, events, and volunteering I did was really just so try hard and didn't really benefit me at all. It was just too robotic at the end. Friendships are organic not mechanical.

I just tried that last weekend, befriending the girl I cold-approached instead of getting physical. I'll post how it turns out!

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Self-Defense Class

I came to class late today right when class started at 11a.m. Usually, I try getting there earlier to talk to people b/c everyone leaves when class dismisses.

We had a water break during class, I tried situationally opening a girl I've never seen before - blonde, 5'8'', mid 30's. We both came into class late and walked in at the same time. We had to put our workout bags in another room so we wouldn't interrupt the class. During the water break, we went to our workout bags to get our waterbottles. When we were side-by-side, I approached her.

Me: We came in late and had to put our bags in here, huh?

Girl: (Looks at me and doesn't say anything).


I am terrible at situationally opening. Coming up with the right phrase on the fly is difficult for me.

 

[metomeya]

Just wanted to say one thing really quick. I like the friend zone. Here is why...

I think there are two types of friend zones: 1.) you really are just a friend and 2.) you kiss her butt or she abuses you because she knows you like her.

Pretty sure no one here would let themselves get in the second situation. In my experience, the first situation can easily lead to a relationship or casual sex. But for this to happen you have to come off as Alpha or Sigma (outcome independent, a cool guy, being nice also helps, but most importantly the type that won't brag). And, honestly, whether she goes after a relationship or casual sex depends if shes has a boyfriend or not...sounds terrible but that is my experience.

However, this can take anywhere from 3 months to 1 year. So, yes, this is the opposite of Chase's move fast motto, but sometimes it just isn't an option when the girl is in your social circles.

But just something to think about next time you are in the friend zone.

 

[BarryS1]

Just wanted to say one thing really quick. I like the friend zone. Here is why...

I think there are two types of friend zones: 1.) you really are just a friend and 2.) you kiss her butt or she abuses you because she knows you like her.

Pretty sure no one here would let themselves get in the second situation. In my experience, the first situation can easily lead to a relationship or casual sex. But for this to happen you have to come off as Alpha or Sigma (outcome independent, a cool guy, being nice also helps, but most importantly the type that won't brag). And, honestly, whether she goes after a relationship or casual sex depends if shes has a boyfriend or not...sounds terrible but that is my experience.

However, this can take anywhere from 3 months to 1 year. So, yes, this is the opposite of Chase's move fast motto, but sometimes it just isn't an option when the girl is in your social circles.

But just something to think about next time you are in the friend zone.

I see what you mean about the friend zone not being black-and-white. Chase has a post about that saying there are 3 types of friends: girl chasing guy, guy chasing girl, and legitimate friends. Here’s the link: https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-pick-girls-front-their-male-friends

I came to this site because with my last interaction with a girl, I REALLY was trying to ask her out but got friendzoned. With girls in college and high school, I was hoping they would make a move. When I tried making a move for the first time in my life, I ended up chasing her and made her disrespect me (treat me like a girl).

I’ve really pushed myself to socializing more and starting to see the grey areas more often. My intention with social circle involves making my dating life more interesting, even if the cost is fewer results. I’ve gotten lays and dates from cold-approach, but I don’t want to live that reclusive lifestyle forever.

As for your 3 month - 1 year observation, I am open to having that type of encounter. If I am too busy with my dating life, I can leave her on the back burner until I want her. I remember reading your post about that subject like 6 mo. ago (you want to go in a professional environment b/c the girls will chase you). Here’s the throwback link: https://boards.girlschase.com/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=4950

When I first learned about the friend zone, I was disgusted girls would do that to some guys.

With cold-approach, I am sticking to Chase’s recommendations in his article “I don’t chase ‘em, I replace ‘em”

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Southern California 8/2

I visited my friend with his cousins in Southern California in the beginning of the month. I am still trying to get socially calibrated again, but watching naturals in their field makes things easier. At a dinner gathering in a restaurant, I could not tell if any of the girls was in a relationship with the guys - there was so much flirting going on. I was at dinner with the group plus girls and noticed a few things:

-The guys were charismatic and talkative, but when the girls were around they did not say much.
-The guys bantered with the girls in one sentence short bursts (3-5 words) before rapport.
-Guys speaking with other guys said more words and did not tease - mostly inside stories.
-No one said any "drawn-out" stories. The conversations moved so fast that you would be interuppted if you talked for long periods of time.

How I need to improve:

-People alternating between languages
-People not investing in “my” conversation aka hooking. The person who I am talking to will ignore me or interrupt and talk to someone else.
-Inside jokes between other group members and me being left out

 

[Mr.Rob]

Me: We came in late and had to put our bags in here, huh?
Girl: (Looks at me and doesn't say anything).

I am terrible at situationally opening. Coming up with the right phrase on the fly is difficult for me.

I feel you on that one I still have trouble with situational. Though I've come to learn that it really doesn't matter... at all.

What matters is the sub communication, or the vibe you put out when you say it. A lot of times when you have some lame thing to say as a situational opener your thinking "god this is lame, but fuck better to take action than be a chode!". As a result you say it just like a chode that's trying to escape chodome. However if you just say it like a cool person and like everything you say is the "perfect" thing to say she reads the subcommunication and falls into alignment with that same reality.

Easier said than done but every time I go situational and just feel like a boss it goes well but when I feel like a chode it goes chode like.

What you say doesn't matter. I opened two girls in a row not too long ago with "my mom uses facebook but I don't... anyway I'm Robert nice to meet you" and got both of their numbers (though no dates however one I'm pretty sure I could've gotten if I pushed for it but she wasn't that hot and I figured I could go out and meet sexier women than her).

I'm about to run to college for a nightclass so I'll be in the same boat as you in about 30 minutes.

Peace Barry!

-Rob

 

[BarryS1]

Me: We came in late and had to put our bags in here, huh?
Girl: (Looks at me and doesn't say anything).

I am terrible at situationally opening. Coming up with the right phrase on the fly is difficult for me.

I feel you on that one I still have trouble with situational. Though I've come to learn that it really doesn't matter... at all.

What matters is the sub communication, or the vibe you put out when you say it. A lot of times when you have some lame thing to say as a situational opener your thinking "god this is lame, but fuck better to take action than be a chode!". As a result you say it just like a chode that's trying to escape chodome. However if you just say it like a cool person and like everything you say is the "perfect" thing to say she reads the subcommunication and falls into alignment with that same reality.

Easier said than done but every time I go situational and just feel like a boss it goes well but when I feel like a chode it goes chode like.

Sup Mr. Rob! I just had a thought about situational openers. All the situations I've opened that got girls hooked were questions related to the situation, not comments. I used to cringe at old guys in the gym making random comments to girls and used to think, "Why are they doing that? Why go up to people and say random stuff like that?" Now I realize they are trying to start a conversation!

That's what I've been doing lately and been getting similar results - confused expressions and the girl walking away.

I'm gonna switch things up and experiment.

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Salsa Lessons 8/18

I invited a friend to do salsa dancing with me Monday night at a Latin Cantina Restaurant. I had no social momentum that day, so upon arriving, I had ZERO energy. There was about 18 people in the class with only 5 girls - ouch! The instructors said that was unusual, so I'll try next week.

I did not do any situational approaching, but the streets outside are perfect for night time street game. After introducing myself to the instructor in the beginning, I hardly talked to anyone except my dance partners.

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Hiking with Friends

I went on a hike today with friends. Tried pre-opening a girl from behind, but she kept walking away. Again, my friends were surprised I got blown out .

Something hit me though: I am starting to become more socially calibrated.

Here's some indicators:
-Less interruptions
-More people talking about the conversations I start
-I know when to cut my conversations if its going in a wrong direction
-People don't make fun of me in a bad way (not being picked on)


I finally think I can succeed socially!

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Salsa Lessons and University Approach 8/25

University:

My plan involves creating a social circle at a private university on the other side of town. Even though I graduated last December, I never took the initiative to approach on campus or engage in social circle activities. I do not go to the school, but walked around to get information and pick up fliers. I situationally approached a girl and asked about upcoming events and said she didn't know b/c school starts next month. I need to find a group to roll with even though I am not a student

Locations:
-Library
-In front of fitness center
-Cultural center
-Sport fields


Salsa Lessons:

My biggest hurdle is getting into a fun state of mind at night. It was been 8 months since I regularly did night-game and during the weekday is hard. I am so exhausted that I took my female friend home after dancing. I could barely open my mouth to talk. Sleeping well is gonna become a top priority now. The class was an hour long, but I was mentally drained at the end.

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Community College


I am taking a night class at a community college for personal development and to meet more college girls. My goal right now is to practice my situational approaching and get into a social circle.

Here's a list of the best to worst ranking types of situational openers I've done:
-Indirect-direct
-Situational question- compliment never comes, just running game/vibe/frames
-Situational comment

I am having trouble getting girls to hook (especially with the last two).

Girl #1: I was at a computer at the library and asked a girl if I can print from there. She starts explaining the procedure, but has a language barrier (not sure what country from Asia). I tried transitioning to saying how I am new and that the computers were different at my old school. She kept repeating the explanation, so I left.

Girl #2: I saw a black girl waiting for a car to pick her up near the corner of the school. She was standing at a curb, so I sat down and after 1 min. turned to her and asked if there were any seats around. We got a 30 sec. convo, but her ride picked her up.


Overview:

I am horrible at situational approaching because it never gets sexual. The biggest problem is time constraint in the environments I use situational - self defense class, libraries, ect. People are in a rush and if I don't go direct, the girls have no reason to stick around!!

 

[BarryS1]

FR: Alumni Football Game 8/28

I met up with some alumni and my sister/her group of friends before going to a football game last night. I had two incredible realizations: 1) I am still a boring/nice-guy in group situations and 2) my old friends are holding me back.

First Point:

Upon entering the stadium, I sat with my sister and her friends for the 1st half of the game. I had absolutely no energy and could barely make conversation with her friends besides pleasantries. If I am 1-on-1 with a girl, I know how to run the entire GC process deep-dive, banter, chase or sexual frame, and dirty talking/inviting them home. With groups, there are interruptions that make conversation more difficult. The guys behind us were bantering with the girls - I was really impressed.

They called the hottest girl out on her selfie shot and started bantering. Not more than 10 sec. or dialogue. The prescedence was set though, they are not pushovers.

That's what I need to do more of in group situations: call girls out on their behavior for bantering topics.

Second Point:

I sat with my alumni friends for the second half of the game.

I reconnected with a group of alumni I left 1 1/2 years ago to grow my social circle, but they treat me like a pushover and offer no ROI. They are not building their social circle and make large investment requests from me. Planning ahead of time and talking over text message, I can spot them ripping me off like bumming me for a ride.

On the fly, I do not know how to handle requests. For example, at the end of the game all 4 alumni did not have a ride and requested a lift 7min. away. I did not know what to ask for in return b/c it happened so fast. I ended up caving in and giving everyone a ride.

Here's the reason why: When I was introduced to the group many years ago, I WAS A COMPLETE PUSH-OVER. Of course they are not going to think differently of me!!!!! I am going to think of places to invite them that will get me some ROI b/c just hanging out with them is wasting my time.....


Overview:
I did not do any approaching b/c I did not see any groups of girls - just couples.