ElderPrice: From 30 y/o virgin to ?

[ElderPrice]

3/1/19

I ended up sending some texts a couple days ago with regards to what I thought about in my last post - basically messaging the select individuals I've met this past year who I think are really cool and that I'm legitimately grateful to have met.

All of them responded with real appreciation, especially the girls. I'll continue sending these texts, as I was only able to send out 5 or so before running out of time. Haven't had the chance to send out more since then.

The best part that I didn't expect was how it boosted my mood. I feel a lot better expressing my feelings for these new friends, and hearing their appreciative responses. Again I'll keep it up. And for the new people I meet I'll continue working to get myself giving sincere compliments in person right when I meet them.

Feeling better today. Looking forward to dancing later. The only hindrance that I foresee is being quite tired after not getting much sleep last night, but oh well. Onward!

 

[Alcman]

Anyone have any tips on how to do better at expressing one's positive feelings - both verbally and through body language?

A thing I picked up from GC is to regularly stretch your facial muscles and do a lot of grimaces etc. I do it in the mirror before leaving home, and whenever I'm unseen on the street. This really helps getting into a habit of expressive facial expressions. Also try to change your neutral default expression from a stoic to Sean Connery or Harrison Ford - that slight mischievous but almost unnoticeable smile.

A.

 

[ElderPrice]

Anyone have any tips on how to do better at expressing one's positive feelings - both verbally and through body language?

A thing I picked up from GC is to regularly stretch your facial muscles and do a lot of grimaces etc. I do it in the mirror before leaving home, and whenever I'm unseen on the street. This really helps getting into a habit of expressive facial expressions. Also try to change your neutral default expression from a stoic to Sean Connery or Harrison Ford - that slight mischievous but almost unnoticeable smile.

A.

Thanks! I'll give this a shot. Did you notice significant improvement from implementing this one change alone?

 

[Alcman]

Thanks! I'll give this a shot. Did you notice significant improvement from implementing this one change alone?

Sure! An even more transformative follow-up routine I picked up from Zan Perrion’s ”The Alabaster Girl” is to wink at as many females as you can as you catch their eye when you’re moving around town. It never fails to boost my mood, and many women will flush or giggle which is great fun. Just think of the difference between how you picture a man who winks at every girl he sees, and a man who is in his own world until he makes an approach or two. Not hard to choose which one you want to be, right?

 

[ElderPrice]

3/3/19 Great weekend

No lays but a fun weekend. Dancing both Friday and Saturday nights. Friday night was sort of a usual night that I always have at that venue, but got some positive results from it despite only a handful of approaches. I got a number from a cutie who was happy to dance with me and we had a lot of "About us" things in common. She said yes to a date and I tried setting up something right then and there. We agreed on grabbing drinks/coffee the following night at 7pm. She asked where and because I'm a dufus and didn't think ahead I said 'Hmm not sure. Let me think about it and I'll text you tomorrow.'

After our initial meeting and conversation started to die down, I figured that was a good time to break circle then re-connect later in the night since we had a couple more hours until closing and neither of us were going anywhere. I went back to dance with my friends. When we re-connected later in the night she had turned cold. Not sure how exactly I lost her, but I didn't have a good feeling about her when we said goodbye and left, and sure enough she didn't answer any of my texts the next day. Oh well. Still a positive experience getting a number and having fun with the other new girls I approached that night.

Saturday was even better. I go to two venues on Saturdays. Both were more crowded than normal for Mardi Gras and they thus had more cute girls than normal. Shit.. now that I'm thinking of this, this might sound pretty cool... At Venue 1 I only approached no more than 7 or 8 girls. 3 were very happy to meet me, but had boyfriends. One of these girls I was dancing with and her boyfriend was standing there watching. He face looked petrified that I was successfully gaming her. She was having fun, but clearly wasn't interested in more than dancing. In addition to these 3, I met two additional girls and actually got contact info from them. 1 was a cute latina with a huge rack that had fun dancing with me. She agreed to a date. She wouldn't give her number when I asked but said she's be happy to take mine. I gave her a playful eye roll look and even said, in as a playful tone as I could, "Hey if you're not interested it's totally cool. We don't have to go through this process if we're not going to text each other and make it happen. Only take my number if you're going to text me!" She smiled and assured me she would. Haven't heard from her yet! I'll give it a couple weeks. Maybe she'll surprise me. Oh well.

Then there was the other girl at this venue. An awesome song came on that I'd have a blast dancing to. Near me was all around one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I confidently asked her to dance and she absolutely loved it. She said that was the first time ever she's partner danced and that it made her night. I asked her out, she agreed, and we swapped numbers. She said she was heading home soon since she had a long day and didn't want to be out late. I said I was leaving soon too to go to Venue 2 where all my friends were. We said goodbye and went our separate ways. So far she has been responding to my texts and we're a couple details away from scheduling a date for next weekend. If this follows through and the date happens this will be the most beautiful girl I've ever dated before. By far. Most attractive? Maybe not. But definitely most beautiful, if that makes sense. Like, the type of girl that would make all your friends' heads turn. So I consider this a huge win. My new, sexier clothes haven't arrived in the mail yet, my new bling hasn't arrived in the mail yet. I didn't need any of that. With the same blob of ElderPrice that I've been for a while, I just was having a GREAT time, and this girl could feel it. Not just a 6 or 7 but one of the prettiest girls you could imagine. Big win for the confidence.

Venue 2 was a lot of fun but I didn't have much in terms of results here. Not too many new cuties that caught my eye, and of the ones that were there, they weren't interested. The highlight came at the beginning when I tried a continuation of my compliment experiment. All previous gestures have been over text. But on this night I saw a friend that I haven't gotten contact info for yet. She's a super cute, super sexy girl that I love to dance with, and she loves dancing with me. Always says yes. So she became the first person I gave a major, sincere compliment to in person. I told her in essence that I'm very grateful to have met her, I love dancing with her, and dance nights are always better when she's in attendance. And her reaction was great. She loved it. I think I may for the first time in my life actually saw a girl "melting" in front of and because of me. It was awesome. It didn't make her horny or anything, but the look in her eye that she gave me throughout the night as we passed each other and kept dancing here and there was noticeably different than in the past. She was even with a guy that night and honestly she had a happier face dancing and talking with me than when he was holding her in his arms. I'm curious to see how she acts moving forward.

Then today a couple friends saw the compliment texts I saw and messaged back. Like the others, they were greatly appreciative and said those texts made their days. So all these things taken together had me in a AWESOME mood. I feel very positive. I still have a lot of friends to send compliments to so this should continue for a while.

Things to work on:

So this weekend, I had 3 things I wanted to focus on in my approach. I had sort of a mantra: Compliment, Connery, and the last thing I actually forgot at the moment haha. Anyway, Compliment just meant to focus on giving compliments, Connery meant to focus on Alcman's suggestion of making my general face have a Sean Connery smile. Moving forward, I want to put the focus on moving faster with girls. At this point, I'm clearly in the habit of not making moves the same night I meet a girl. For example, re-reading my account of the beautiful girl from Saturday, it certainly READS like I probably should have pushed for something to happen that same night. Maybe "I'm tired and leaving soon" was a signal? Regardless, I agree with GC 100% that I'm not going to land great girls consistently without moving them much faster. Now don't get me wrong, I'm pretty confident NONE of the girls I interact with would agree to moving/escalating. Something about me isn't communicating sexiness/a sexual frame. As a result, the girls I meet aren't all that horny, and they definitely do NOT give me any of the standard "fuck me" signs or attention signals. No hair playing, doey eyes, giggling, flirting, basically no touching back. So actually, what am I talking about... I'll keep the idea of moving quickly with girls in my mind, but I need to focus on sexiness and being sexy and sexuality. Somehow I'm not communicating it and it's definitely keeping girls too dry. That will be my focus this week. If anyone has any suggestions for how to communicate sexiness when you've been a non-sexual, logical, introvert all your life, I'd appreciate any tips or tricks for helping to get this fundamental down.

 

[Alcman]

Really impressed by that night out, EP! I’m so glad to see your progress. I lost my virginity a year ago, and went through most everything you’re going through. I’ve also been a platonic stoic. Some things that helped me w.r.t. sexiness: 1) Chase’s eye contact: focusing on the bridge of the nose between the eyes, and always holding eye contact longer than her (check out the old article or book chapter on eye contact), 2) as you look into her eyes, imagine her wet naked body pressed against you, and how she would sound in orgasm; I’ve had girls literally flush and drop the things they’re holding in their hands from this, it’s a sex bazooka. 3) If she’s wearing earrings, gently brush away her hair behind her ear and touch the ear/earrings while you compliment her on it and express interest, such as asking about how she got the ring, how long she’s had the piercing etc. The ear and neck is an erogenous zone, for some girls (usually the ones who love choking) it’s the strongest one of all, and it’s about the only zone you have access to quite immediately in the interaction. Trust me, no woman will call you out on being curious and appreciative about her earrings, and almost all will be thrilled since most men will not notice. Pretty girls’ necks and ears are among the most beautiful things in the world, so enjoy the experience!

Game on,
A.

 

[ElderPrice]

Thanks man! I'll give your suggestions a shot. I've always been weak wrt eye contact. Not horrendous but not great. Always room to improve there.

To provide a super quick update to the Journal, the big tit girl texted me this morning so woo hoo! Haha

 

[ElderPrice]

3/6/19 What a shock - momentum couldn't even last 3 fucking days

All those positive emotions gone. All the depressed, doubtful, and hopeless feelings back. For starters, these new phone numbers are dying off at the speed of light. The beautiful girl is responding to my texts, then the SECOND I send a scheduler text, so goes silent then texts me today saying she's going through a divorce and actually isn't ready to date. The girl on snapchat? Responds to every single one of my texts but then the SECOND I send a schedule text, she goes silent. No response from two other girls. On the plus side, the big tit girl who preferred to take my number actually texted me! Didn't expect that at all. I followed with a scheduler text and haven't heard back since. Not ruling her out, but since I'm striking out 100% of the time here, I assume the pattern will hold and she won't agree to a date.

Went dancing tonight and it sucked, adding to the negativity. Girls that I had met before and thought were friendly weren't friendly tonight. They either didn't smile when dancing with me, or they expressed clear lack of enthusiasm when I asked (and they accepted). Every time this happens I kick myself. I figure I should be telling these girls "nevermind" when they do shit like that. A couple girls pulled some shit that always pisses me off where they say their excuse for why they don't want to dance, then 2 minutes later are dancing with someone else. And I mean like, they're basically lying type of thing. Like one girl said repeatedly "I don't know how to dance" then I saw her on the dance floor all night. Not the biggest deal, but the disrespect does piss me off and add to the negativity, especially when this crowd is basically a big social circle. No idea why people would go to social circle dance night and be unfriendly to others.

Anyway, I'm back to feeling like a broken piece of shit. I have no fucking clue how a guy can get all these numbers and not get a single fucking date out of them. I'm following "14 Simple Ways to Text a Girl and Make Her Want You" to the T as best as possible. "Hey it's Elder. Save my number!" *response* "Text 4: Standard Scheduler Text." This is just getting so fucking old. I'm obviously doing something super fucked up and I have no idea what. Then it crushes me even more to read other people's issues. I see conversations with girls people post on even the beginner board that blow my mind. These girls just say and do things that I NEVER fucking see with regard to attraction. I have still yet to encounter a SINGLE girl that has chased me, not even by accident. If I go silent on girls they NEVER text back, not even once. No idea what to try. There's no way a tiny tweak will solve these issues. There's got to be some fundamental that is so 100% wrong that I can't even tell. It absolutely amazes me how impossible this endeavor has been for me.

 

[Alcman]

Hey man, just some perspective: in 2018 I shagged seven girls, my first ever. I roughly estimate that for every twenty phone numbers I got, one lead to a date, and that maybe one in five dates lead to sex. This means that only one out of a hundred successful approaches lead to anything, and that's not counting all the failed half-approaches where she didn't even hook or I ejected too fast, which are of course the lion's share. Have you done more than seven hundred good approaches (where she hooked) since you started your journal? If not, get out there. And remember that day game is way more crucial than night game, because that's where you stand out from most men in the world. Nobody said this is an easy pastime: just like growing your muscles at the gym, there's pain, pain, pain (then gain, gain, gain).

A.

 

[Científico]

Hey Elderprice - have you tried diversifying where you go out to meet women? Seems like you are doing a lot of nighttime dancing game, but I dont see much else mentioned recently in your journal. Go to different meetups in evening, and do daygame as well. Just keep getting yourself out there. This is a constant numbers game, and it's a process that one ultimately comes to enjoy.

 

[ElderPrice]

Hey man, just some perspective: in 2018 I shagged seven girls, my first ever. I roughly estimate that for every twenty phone numbers I got, one lead to a date, and that maybe one in five dates lead to sex. This means that only one out of a hundred successful approaches lead to anything, and that's not counting all the failed half-approaches where she didn't even hook or I ejected too fast, which are of course the lion's share. Have you done more than seven hundred good approaches (where she hooked) since you started your journal? If not, get out there. And remember that day game is way more crucial than night game, because that's where you stand out from most men in the world. Nobody said this is an easy pastime: just like growing your muscles at the gym, there's pain, pain, pain (then gain, gain, gain).

A.

Hey Alcman. I haven't been counting approaches. If I had to take a wild guess, I'd guess 20 approaches per weekend. There's probably a lot more that I'm not consciously thinking of as approaches. Even if we say 40 per week, that would be about 320 since starting this journal. To be clear in case it's part of your point, the start of this journal was not the start of my journey. I started going out in 2018 and was only doing online in 2017.

In any event, yes you're right I have to keep going out there. It's just getting less fun and motivating over time without any sign of tangible improvement. It feels like one step forward, two steps back - mainly because when that step back happens and I get depressed it just cripples me for a long period of time.

Trying to incorporate day game. I'll go into more detail in the next reply.

 

[ElderPrice]

Hey Elderprice - have you tried diversifying where you go out to meet women? Seems like you are doing a lot of nighttime dancing game, but I dont see much else mentioned recently in your journal. Go to different meetups in evening, and do daygame as well. Just keep getting yourself out there. This is a constant numbers game, and it's a process that one ultimately comes to enjoy.

Yeah it's been mainly partner dancing since that's actually something that's fun for me. Can't stand nightclubs. They've never been fun. The opposite really.

Let me clarify what partner dancing on the weekends entails. These are bars that go into club mode, but instead of super loud club music, they play much less noisy dance music. There is a dance floor that doesn't host a mob that jiggles in place for 4 hours, but couples that go on and off the dance floor in between each song. Because these are in huge bars, there's a lot of people there not looking to dance or who don't dance. So, the new girls that I come across at these establishments are either girls that know how to dance and haven't been out dancing in a while, or they are out with their friends who rarely go to such an establishment. I don't know if I'd call it "dancing game." It's not like my approach is non-verbal seduction using sensual dancing, then pull. My approach has been to ask anyone to dance who looks cute, use that as an icebreaker, then chat with them after dancing. That's when they say yes to a date and give me their numbers. So I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but in my mind I think of it as cold approach, with using "would you like to dance?" as a little bit of a cheat.

Yes I've tried meetups. I'll still go to the big events at cool venues where lots of people actually show up. But those are rare. One every month or two. Those are always cool because since most of the people there are awkward shy people, I always stand out. Unfortunately, as has been observed before, the girls that go to these events are not top quality. I also like these events because it's very easy to move away from the group and open the people at that venue NOT there for the meetup. As for more regular meetups, I don't do them anymore because there's just not enough new people. No point in meeting a meetup of 20 people (so 5-7 girls) at some venue for an hour or two when that hour or two can be better spent elsewhere - somewhere with far more new girls to approach.

I'm trying to incorporate more day game. It's just been hard for me. I hate the idea of walking around some area or store aimlessly and without purpose for a couple hours and honestly it's not very fun. And the best day game spots are like a 20-30 minute drive away so that's also discouraging. Now don't get me wrong. I know I need to do it and I want to do it. The last couple of weekends I went to the mall because I had to go shopping and I had specific things to buy. Now that that's done, at the moment I have no reason to go to the mall. I just need reasons to leave the house that don't solely involve failing with girls another 500 times - not because I'm not motivated to get better with girls, but because I just want something fun and positive to do!

 

[Alcman]

That’s a very clarifying post! It’s obvious you haven’t yet started the hard part of the journey; you’ll never leave ”beginner seducer’s hell” if you don’t enter it fully! Firstly, you’re way to focused on ”fun”. Read the article ”Going out to meet girls even when you don’t want to”. Think about it this way: if it’s fun, you’re not busting your comfort zones, and hence you’re not doing it right!

There’s a reason this site is mainly about two types of approaches: street and night club. It’s because if you master these, nothing else will be challenging. You seem to have made mostly very indirect cold approaches. To make progress you need to make mostly direct ones: street stops, e.g. ”hi! I just LOVE your hairstyle!”, then after a few lines of banter ask if she’s single and if yes ask her to grab a coffee on the spot. When you get tired, just sit and relax with a coffee and wait for a cute girl to walk by. You don’t live in a big city, do you? Consider moving somewhere where you don’t need a car to get around - one doesn’t bump into girls while driving (hopefully!), but I do most of my approaches on the street and in the subway on my way through town (I live in Stockholm). Only doing mall game is not good - the best is just meeting women when they’re on their way to or from school and work.

I get depressed too and I cry. But when this happens I go to the gym even more, and deep talk with friends, and then it’s over after a few days.

A.

 

[ElderPrice]

That’s a very clarifying post! It’s obvious you haven’t yet started the hard part of the journey; you’ll never leave ”beginner seducer’s hell” if you don’t enter it fully! Firstly, you’re way to focused on ”fun”. Read the article ”Going out to meet girls even when you don’t want to”. Think about it this way: if it’s fun, you’re not busting your comfort zones, and hence you’re not doing it right!

There’s a reason this site is mainly about two types of approaches: street and night club. It’s because if you master these, nothing else will be challenging. You seem to have made mostly very indirect cold approaches. To make progress you need to make mostly direct ones: street stops, e.g. ”hi! I just LOVE your hairstyle!”, then after a few lines of banter ask if she’s single and if yes ask her to grab a coffee on the spot. When you get tired, just sit and relax with a coffee and wait for a cute girl to walk by. You don’t live in a big city, do you? Consider moving somewhere where you don’t need a car to get around - one doesn’t bump into girls while driving (hopefully!), but I do most of my approaches on the street and in the subway on my way through town (I live in Stockholm). Only doing mall game is not good - the best is just meeting women when they’re on their way to or from school and work.

I get depressed too and I cry. But when this happens I go to the gym even more, and deep talk with friends, and then it’s over after a few days.

A.

Sorry to hear you get depressed too. I wouldn't have thought that reading your journal entries!

Regarding fun, I just mean that I need to be doing something enjoyable to help keep my mood and personality at a high enough level to have useful approaches. If I'm not having fun then I have the personality of a potato. Very boring in demeanor. I'm not saying that I have to be dancing in order to approach girls. Just that if my mood and personality isn't at a good point, then it's not a comfort zone thing. I'm just going to be in the 100% wrong state to meet girls.

Agreed 100% about needed to do more direct approaches. I've sort of been thinking of this lately with my recent posts talking about how I want to try to compliment more. I need to get these compliments coming out of my mouth without having to think about it, then I'll be in the best shape to direct approach.

 

[ElderPrice]

3/7/19 Feeling better

Feeling much better today. Yesterday I texted some old friends and relatives so that was a positive experience to reconnect. Also I unexpectedly heard from one girl I thought was a goner so that was good. Now that I'm in a better state, I can analyze my recent results and come up with an immediate action plan. And that plan - er, it's more so a list of things to focus on - is:

1. Continue thinking about Complimenting and using the Connery look. Trying out direct opening goes in this category too.

2. MOVE FASTER. I'm definitely in a habit where I go for numbers and hope they turn into dates days later. If it looks like I have a hook, I need to have a plan to move things along right then and there. Move her to grab a drink/coffee. Move her maybe to one more venue depending on the situation. Get to her place.

3. Stick with a target as long as possible. In an effort to be as anti-needy as possible, I developed a habit where, for instance if I meet a girl out dancing, I'll dance with her, chat, get a number, then move on to a next girl. This was always under the idea that a needy guy would hang around and chat to this one girl. A guy that wasn't needy would move on if he wasn't getting high attraction. I think I'm way too far on the "non-needy" side. So if a girl particularly catches my eye, I want to try hanging around longer and keeping the interaction going as long as possible. If I can't get compliance such as getting her to move for a drink, THEN I can give myself permission to move on.

4. Continue trying day game settings.

 

[Sub-Zero]

Good to see you feeling better man. A lot of people go through tough times with women and socializing. The good thing is you'll get over it soon and the more you go through it, the easier it gets to not care.

I used to bug out on nights where I didn't get any good feedback, I would legit go crazy in a rage.

But after a while you get used to it, take a break and start again.

And dude for the longest time I thought your name was ElderPrince. You think that's a cool name?

 

[ElderPrice]

Good to see you feeling better man. A lot of people go through tough times with women and socializing. The good thing is you'll get over it soon and the more you go through it, the easier it gets to not care.

I used to bug out on nights where I didn't get any good feedback, I would legit go crazy in a rage.

But after a while you get used to it, take a break and start again.

And dude for the longest time I thought your name was ElderPrince. You think that's a cool name?

Yep you're completely right man. Hey, I recovered in only a day or two so I guess that's good progress! Haha.

Do I think ElderPrice or ElderPrince is a good name? ElderPrice is actually a reference to something. I was curious if anyone would get it. I think it's a funny reference to use here haha.

 

[Sub-Zero]

I meant did you think elderprince was a good name. What's your name mean ?

Good to see you feeling better man. A lot of people go through tough times with women and socializing. The good thing is you'll get over it soon and the more you go through it, the easier it gets to not care.

I used to bug out on nights where I didn't get any good feedback, I would legit go crazy in a rage.

But after a while you get used to it, take a break and start again.

And dude for the longest time I thought your name was ElderPrince. You think that's a cool name?

Yep you're completely right man. Hey, I recovered in only a day or two so I guess that's good progress! Haha.

Do I think ElderPrice or ElderPrince is a good name? ElderPrice is actually a reference to something. I was curious if anyone would get it. I think it's a funny reference to use here haha.

 

[ElderPrice]

I meant did you think elderprince was a good name. What's your name mean ?

Good to see you feeling better man. A lot of people go through tough times with women and socializing. The good thing is you'll get over it soon and the more you go through it, the easier it gets to not care.

I used to bug out on nights where I didn't get any good feedback, I would legit go crazy in a rage.

But after a while you get used to it, take a break and start again.

And dude for the longest time I thought your name was ElderPrince. You think that's a cool name?

Yep you're completely right man. Hey, I recovered in only a day or two so I guess that's good progress! Haha.

Do I think ElderPrice or ElderPrince is a good name? ElderPrice is actually a reference to something. I was curious if anyone would get it. I think it's a funny reference to use here haha.

ElderPrince? Probably not haha. Elder Price: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVJgmp2Tc2s

 

[ElderPrice]

3/10/19 Just... Nothing.

Dancing was actually quite fun this weekend. A LOT of friends turned out, especially last night. Last night was actually the most fun I've ever had at that particular venue.

Ironically, when it came to meeting girls, it was a very poor turnout, almost non-existent. There just weren't ANY girls at these venues either night that excited me and that I earnestly approached. Okay there was one. But you know what I mean. Practically zero. Just a ton of people I had seen previously, and people I didn't find attractive.

The one girl was an interesting case. It was the first time in recent memory that I remembered being so enchanted I could barely get words out. It was Friday and I walked into Venue 2 very late. A few minutes before closing. It was mostly thinned out inside. But across the dance floor I saw the cutest girl I've ever seen in this establishment. She was there with one female friend. Without hesitation I walked directly, straight to her, then with a cool smile on my face, extended a hand and said "I must have a dance with you." She happily agreed. Then I immediately attempt a direct approach/opener. I tell her "I had to ask you to dance because honestly I think you're the cutest girl I've ever seen here." She was flattered. We danced and then I tried chatting after. This was when I was struggling to converse, but I got some basic questions out. She seemed fairly excited in her own right. Since it was 2am, I was going through my head as quickly as possible trying to figure out where to go from here. We both lived 30 minutes away. She said she and her friend had already called an uber and it was on the way. Coming up with nothing, she said how about I give her my number and she'll text me. I did, we parted ways, and I haven't heard from her since. I might post this as a Field Report for feedback. Was I just SOL here? What could I do? Pull to my car? While somewhat aroused, she didn't seem aroused enough to be willing to bail on her friend. And she definitely wasn't flirting hard with a look in her eyes just begging to go home with me. The first thought that popped into my head was "Fuck, I wish I had my own place. Then I could just invite her over for a nightcap" and see what happens.

Today I tried day gaming at the most chick-friendly Whole Foods in town. I didn't need to buy shit so I just walked up and down all the aisles a couple of times, as slow as possible. I put a couple items in my basket so I didn't feel like I was completely wasting my time. But this wasn't a good experience. During the whole hour I was there, there were maybe 7 or so girls there. Most of them were clearly with their boyfriend. There were only 3 there by themselves. Two of them walked past me without making eye contact. And those were the types of eye contact where you can tell they are actively focusing on ignoring you. The last one I indirectly opened, but before the opening and definitely after I could tell she wasn't interested at all. The conclusion I drew from this experience was that next time I should try and find some festivals happening in town. That way there'd be more girls to approach there haha.

I was fine all weekend then this evening I just became depressed again. Nothing in particular triggered it either. I was a little bummed that nothing came out of going to the grocery store.. but it was a trip to the grocery store. My expectations were very low/non existent. I just started thinking negative thoughts and then they snowballed into feeling depressed. After this bout, I tried to figure out what was causing me to feel so horrible. I know better when it comes to outcome dependency. And failed interactions don't bother me. I move on to the next. It must be something more high level. Then I realized what it was. It's just what I talk about in Post #1.

What kills me and keeps me depressed is that I absolutely hate being a virgin/loser with women at this age. I hate it. No matter what I've done (so far), I just can't shake this feeling. I can't because I honestly agree with it 100%. If you go this long in life without finding ONE person on the whole planet to have sex with, you are a loser. Like, it's HARD to be this pathetic. Normal people can't do it. They get laid at some point. But not me. Somehow I found a way to not even got lucky occasionally. And I hate it. So when I get depressed, it's not because an outing went bad. It's because the bad outing represents a guarantee that for at least another few days, a week, or whatever relevant amount of time, I am guaranteed to stay a loser. I become an even older virgin. Great outings clear my depression because they give me hope... Hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that the bad times are ending soon. Uneventful outings or extinguished prospects ultimately bring back the depression because they extinguish hope. They kick me right back to square one. And it just feels like constant stress the entire time. The stress of living this terribly unhappy, unfulfilled life. It feels like I never get a reprieve from the stress. Like, it feels like I never get a weekend. Just constant work of trying to improve myself and my life, with zero rewards to clear out the stress.

I'll keep at it. My top goal now is to find a way out of the fuck of my parent's place. I can't tell you how badly I want to experiment with pulling and being more aggressive on the pull. But can't do it here. I ran the numbers on my finances again and it looks like I need a roommate. I just can't afford these insane rents for a 1 bed apartment (that isn't a shithole). So now that means I've got to find a roommate. Great. Another important, massive project. We'll see how this goes...