E's Journal

[determined]

Super high quality FR++ 2 - Yoga Girl:

Met this girl Sunday on the street and she didn't want to talk to me. Luckily I persisted like a boss. She was visiting until Wednesday, so I got her number and agreed to meet later that day since she was on her way somewhere. Didn't expect her to respond to any texts, but she did. She actually cancelled on that evening but we met up the next day.

First to Union Square to sit on the grass. I think I made a mistake here, because she opened up to me so much about her past mistakes and how she worked really hard to change who she was. But I didn't share much when she asked. Not relatable. Brought her home.

She sat on the floor and refused to sit on the bed. We talked a lot. I wish I had written this up right away because even though it all happened this week it's so fuzzy. She was very interested in the way I met her. Do I meet people on the street all the time? How can she do that? I came to her and tried to kiss her once, but she wouldn't. She seemed legitimately uncomfortable. We really connected, though. I learned that her trip was very flexible. She left and we agreed that she'd extend her trip and we'd meet again Wednesday.

We met that evening at a park. Lay together on the grass and I made sure to be more physical from the start. Had her lay in my arms. When it got cold I suggested we go inside. My place for the second time. On the way she said that since she's only in town for a bit that gives us a lot of freedom. I took that as a great sign.

Got to my place, and same shit of her sitting on the floor. This time I sat by her immediately and lay on my back on the floor. She eventually lay down, too. Pulled her into my arm like in the park. But she still wouldn't kiss me. I went for the neck and ear this time, but she said she was getting uncomfortable, so I stopped. She sat up and began massaging my hand. Touching my chest. And this whole time we're having great conversation. Staring into each other's eyes. But she won't let me make a move. She said I had a great personality, complemented my looks, we agreed that we're much alike. It was a great night. Really wish I remembered more details.

Then she left. I had her kiss me on the cheek at the door.

We met one last time Yesterday. She came straight to my place. Lay on the floor together again. I really did my best this time. She massaged my hand, ran her hands all over my torso, said she was "appreciating me." I tried to do the same to her, I lay with my head in her lap while she played with my hair and I stroked her back.

When she came at 530 she already know that I had plans at 8. She asked if it was another girl. I said yes (keep reading). While we were laying together on the floor she asked if I would write to her after she left town. I said that maybe I'd send her text or two. She laughed, then I went off on how I'd write her every day and my letters would be soaked with tears. She laughed pretty hard. I haven't mentioned them because I forget the specifics, but made many similar jokes during our time together. Chase/sex/romance framing. Told her how she came into my life and swept me off my feet, and now she's going to leave and cast me away like a stray dog. She said I'd be ok, that I have another girl to seduce tonight.

We were getting so intimate, but every time I tried to go that extra step in escalation she would get uncomfortable. Eventually I called her out on it. Asked why. She said she didn't know. That it's been a while since she's been with someone new, that it takes her time. Was it really her? Or was it me not being attainable enough? I think I'm doing something that prevents girls from trusting me. I get mistrust and hesitation often. I asked, "If we lived in the same town, how long before we inevitably would end up together?" My attempt was to plant the thought in her head that it was inevitable. She said, "Not much longer."

But it came close to 8 and she left. She said she had a great time and I was handsome, and now I'll never see her again.

 

[determined]

Super high quality FR++ 3 - Coworker:

One of the great effects of upgrading my personality has been that people assume I get tons of girls. Recently a girl transferred into our office from NYC. This girls is great: beautiful, passionate, empathetic, ambitious. I've met her before and immediately had a crush on her. And already people in the office have been making comments to me, like they assume I should go for her. Like I'm the obvious choice from all the men in the office. Like if a great girl joins, "of course it's only natural that she and E should get together." Pretty cool. But I also have a reputation for being a player, which is not something I want. I wasn't discreet enough with this at first, and now I'm trying, but it's hard to kill that impression people have of me.

This girls actually invited me to hang out outside the office first, but it was a group thing. I declined. Have been careful to stay removed from her, too, to keep attraction going. I'm also very wary of doing anything that might damage my reputation. But I have been flirting. One night we were both working late and she came to sit next to me. She told me about some of her dreams and I smiled and said I can't pay attention to the words she's saying when she's so passionate because I enjoy watching her talk so much. Had her repeat her dream. Pause and eye contact.

me: Do you know how amazing you are?
her: Stooop. (looking away and smiling, almost blushing).

So this week we had the opportunity to sit alone together during lunch. Talked a bunch, then I asked if she still wanted to hang out outside of work. She said yes, so we scheduled for yesterday night.

We met at the pub across from my place. We got drinks, and she was also hungry so she suggested we share something. Ok. We're talking, deep eye contact. We've already agreed at the office multiple times that we're very similar. In the past she has shared way more with me than I have with her, but after that last girl I made an effort to be more open.

We get onto the subject of eye contact and she says my eyes are very intense. A few times the conversation dies down and after a pause she asks, "What?" I respond, "I like you." She smiles bashfully. We order a second round of drinks. Both of us have very low tolerance so we're already getting tipsy. I make an us vs the world joke about how cool we are, already drunk. She says I have to help her finish her drink and I ask if she's trying to get me drunk to take advantage of me. We're sitting at the bar and throughout the date she turns more and more to face me. By then end her legs are in between mine.

I tell her about a long trip I plan to take and she says we can't be friends if I'm going to leave. I give her the same spiel about tear-soaked letters. We talk about fruit and I tell her that California has the best fruit and that she moved here just as the season is about to end, but I have a great nectarine at my place and she has to try it. After that she'll have to wait till next year.

So once we leave the pub I remind her of the nectarine. She asks, "You mean go to your place?" I reply casually, "If you're up for it." It's cold and I'm in a tshirt while she has 2 outer layers on. She mentions it so I put my arm around her and tell her to warm me up. She giggles and says no. I put my face right up against the side of her head and say, "hug me like you've never hugged a man." More giggles, but she's not doing it so I back off and change the subject.

At my place she sits on the floor to check out the books I have by my bed. But it's different than the last girl - instead of being in the middle of the room she's sitting with her back against the wall. I sit next to her and it's actually nice. I'll consider doing that with other girls. She doesn't even like the nectarine - I love it because it's like candy, but turns out she doesn't like things that are too sweet haha. I give her a peach which isn't as sweet. Play some Sean Paul. Talking, we're sitting as close as we possible can to each other. She says she should get going. I go for the kiss.

She shakes her head with a little smile, saying, "nope" in a very cute way. I say, "Yeah, we're coworkers. Let's keep it professional." She laughs. Soon I try again, and same reaction. I mimic her, teasing her. But I keep my head very close to hers. This goes on for while. Then I lean back. She leans back, too. I'm not sure who leaned back first. I play with her hair and her hand, but she won't leave her hand in mine for more than a little bit. "Baby Boy" comes on so I ask, "Will you be the Beyonce to my Sean Paul?" She says no because that's way too cheesy.

There's this other girl in the office I've been getting close with lately, but not romantically. This girl has noticed this, and she asked,

her: Do you do this with M, too?
me: M's a lesbian, actually.
her: Oh, really?
me: Between us, yeah? She's pretty open about it, but I'm not sure who knows.
her: Of course.
me: But no, I don't do this with M. I like you.

We go outside for her uber, but the uber cancels so we go back inside and sit on the stairs to wait for the next one. She tells me that she's a good girl when it comes to these things, that she won't kiss me, that when it's complicated she takes a long time to think about it. I say that's good, one of us should. She puts on chapstick and I tease her for the way she does it. She gives it to me and says I must try it. I do and it tingles, I say, "Wow, who needs to kiss when you've got this."

She also said that I was a bad influence. Again, it's this whole trust/relatability thing coming up. This site preaches that we should be bad boys. Why do I keep getting this reaction? Am I just doing it wrong? My attainability is too low? I don't want that vibe. I want to be exciting and refreshing, I want girls to fall in love, but I don't want them to feel scared to be intimate with me.

2800 words, shit. I'll split this up.

 

[PrettyDecent]

E, bro, you're back! Haha.

Same sticking point - the super high quality girls are starting to get easier to get dates with, but still difficult to sleep with. Think its only a matter of time before we get over this hump - reminds me of when we were still having trouble getting dates at all, or a difficult time sleeping with regular gals, in general.

Can't give much advice other than what I'm doing, too - upgrading game and fundamentals until these super high quality girls are just "regular" girls again.

Great to see you update again, bro

~Nick

 

[determined]

Yeah, except you're getting laid with with regular girls left and right and I'm dry as the Sahara Desert! But yes, funny how things change but are still the same. I took this opportunity to read my older entries and it sounds like a different life. Also some lessons in there that I've forgotten.

Anyways, thanks for the comment, always good to hear from you.

 

[determined]

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Reading through my journal last night reminded me how helpful it's been in getting my thoughts straight, so I'll make an effort to post more often. Today there was a big street fair in Berkeley, so I went. While transferring trains in Oakland I saw a cute-enough girl from my previous train checking out the signs for directions. I opened, "If I want to get to Berkeley, which one should I take?" She wasn't sure, but thought we were in the right place. She was still examining the signs. "Well, I'm putting my trust in you," and I sat down.

Now I was pretty certain I was in the right place based on Google maps, but I did this for the frame. Now we're friendly, not strangers. I've put my trust in her. And I'm forcing her to invest in me by making her my guide.

Some conversation, then I ask,

me: What if we got on the wrong train and ended up in Mexico? We could elope. Would you elope with me?
her, smiling: No.
me: We could live in a pueblo and have little Mexican children. They'd be so tan.
her, touching her white forearm: I don't tan, I burn.
me: I can tell.

Then back to normal deep diving. I've been this type of romantic framing a lot lately. This was VERY early into the interaction, before she'd even hooked, which is why the "no" was expected. That's ok, now she's off autopilot and the thought of us together has been planted.

More deep diving, but I can't get her to show overt interest. I test compliance by inviting her to sit, but she declines. So I immediately feign disinterest by lying on my back and closing my eyes.

Soon the train arrives and this girl taps me to make sure I don't miss it. "You want to be on this one, right?" I reply, "Only if you're on it." She smiles and rolls her eyes. We sit together on the train. More deep diving, and now that I'm near her I can touch her leg as we talk. Upon finding out that I'm Israeli she tells me that she knows many Israel. That she's Jewish, then I cut her off.

me: So they all just show up at your door?
her: No, haha...
me, cutting her off again: What if I had just arrived in the States and I had nobody and nothing and I showed up at your door. Would you feed me?
her: No.
me: You'd just let me starve? Like a stray dog?
her: I'd probably feed you.
me: What would you make me?
her: Probably go out.
me: mmm, fancy dinner. Would you also bring me flowers? A movie?
her: Nothing expensive.
me: One rose.
her: One rose can be expensive.
me: One sunflower.
her: From my yard.
me: Even better, grown with love.

But alas, she was on her way to her aunt and uncle's and leaves town tomorrow morning. I wasn't that into her.

So I got to the fair and it wasn't nearly what I thought it would be. Huge surface area, but barely any people and even fewer attractive girls. No good approaches, so I decided to check out UC Berkeley. Only one good approach, girl studying under a tree. I opened, "Is this your study spot?" and sat with her on the bench (her laptop was between us). Talked about the spot, then she transitioned into the history of the school and I said it's cool that she's in touch with that stuff. Then talked about her.

She asked if I was a prospective student and was surprised to find that I'm 23.

her: You look a lot younger.
me: Thank you.
her, laughing: Well, at our age most people want to look older.
me: Well... (looking off to the side, thinking), maybe it's different for girls. For men, we only get better as we age, but for girls you're right around the sweet spot.
her: I know, it's so unfair, this double standard.
me: Hey, crow's feet are sexy. Will you still love me when I'm 40 and have crow's feet?

She laughed and I forget what she said. More about her. She's half white, half Japanese, with green eyes and hair that's dyed light brown. While she was talking I interrupted her, "You have very unique features. Green eyes with a face that's pretty Japanese, but not quite." Then back to normal conversation about half-Asian people, then I interrupted her again, "And you natural hair color is black." She told me it's dark brown and asked if I can see the roots, because I shouldn't be able to. her: "Maybe it's the sun." Me: "We're in the shade."

More deep diving about her, then,

me: What are you working on?
her: I'm studying for a midterm.
me: Is it tomorrow?
her: It's Tuesday, actually, but-
me: Perfect, let's grab coffee. What's a good place?
her: I can't.
me: Study tomorrow.
her: I'll study tomorrow, too. I also have a research paper.
me: Do it later.
her: I can't, but a good place for you to go-
me: I'll be lonely. (Is this needy if I'm having fun saying it?)
her: You'll be ok.
me, pulling out my phone: So when are you free?

She wouldn't give me her number. She wanted to either take mine or give me an email. When she started to enter her email into my phone I told her to stop, that I'd delete it. She asked why. I answered, "Either you want to see me or you don't." She put in the email and I deleted it. I wasn't going to change her mind at that moment so I went back to conversation. Soon moved her laptop out of the way and scooted closer. Now I could touch.

More talking. She asked if I do this often. I said I really liked the tree she was sitting under. She said I should ask out the tree. I said it was a very pretty tree. Anyways, I asked her out again later and same shit with the email. I could see on her face that she was so close to complying. Changed the subject then tried a third time. Same thing. I hate arguing with girls like this. The first time she said it I should have done something different. Either hold my frame better or change the subject sooner. My failure set a bad precedent.

Eventually I gave her my number and left. That's it for today.

 

[determined]

FR++: Sunday, October 19, 2014

I hung out with my coworker twice on Tuesday. We went for a run in the morning, then grabbed dinner that evening. Thursday we both worked late and she came to sit next to me when everyone else had left. Today she came over to cook dinner together.

This is hard for me to write down - so much to think about. What even happened? She hugged me when she walked in and I put my arm around her as we walked up the stairs. In my apartment I started off a bit unsure, but she made it very easy for me. First order of business: selecting a playlist. I put on her favorite song (she told me what it was on Thursday and I remembered) and we picked some more songs together. Mostly I picked while she talked.

We poured wine and began to cook. She teased me when I did something clumsy. I showed her the avocado tree outside my window. It's too far to reach, so we talked of ways to get at the fruit. I asked if she would mourn me if I fell off the tree. She said yes. I asked for how long. She said probably a long time. I said I'd mourn her forever.

We talked about the wine's effects and she asked if I'd ever been blacked out. She said she hasn't, and she thinks most girls use that as an excuse to be slutty. She said it as if being slutty is a bad thing. I replied that it's sad that they need an excuse, that they can't just do what they want. She agreed.

My eye contact came up. She's mentioned earlier this week that it's very intense. I asked how she feels when I look at her. She said she likes it, because it's genuine. I pointed out this smile she was making, and asked if she does it on purpose. She said no, but she knows what I'm talking about. I said I'd only seen her do it when it's just the two of us.

When I told her to cut some vegetables, she made the observation that I never ask her to do anything, I tell her. I asked how that made her feel, and she told me that most guys are always on their best behavior, they have no backbone, and that's why she hates dating. I told her it's not their fault, that they're taught to behave that way, and that it's hard not to when you meet a girl like her. They're don't think they could find another, so they're scared of losing her. Then she said that actually, some guys are assholes, but that I tell her what to do without being an asshole. I said that yes, eventually some of the nice guys figure out their mistake, but then they compensate by going too far in the other direction. When she meets an asshole it's a good sign that this guy is above average, but the really top guys eventually figure out that being an asshole isn't the answer either, and then they become like she said. They're men, but they're also nice. During this thread we've transitioned to sitting side by side on the floor, leaning back against my bed, eating.

(paraphrased)
her: Have you ever been in a relationship? And has anyone ever broken your heart?
me: No.
her: Why not?
me: I feel like most people get into relationships because they feel like they have to, just to be in one. For me to enter into one it has to be a girl that makes me want to give up all other girls.
her: I agree.
me (showing vulnerability): When I was younger it was different. I wasn't good with girls and wasn't the same person socially. I had my crushes in high school, whom I never talked to.
her: laughs
me: And then when I figured out how to get what I want, I was free.
her: What do you think it takes?
me: Two things: socially, being able to connect with people. And confidence.
her: You're missing one thing: kindness (said as if I was lacking it).
me: You don't think I'm kind?
her: Actually two: kindness and intelligence. I do think you're kind. You know how I know? (Talks about this thing I organized at work).
me: Too bad I'm so stupid.
her: I think you're very smart.

I tired to kiss her at some point and she stopped me. Now we're holding hands intermittently. We're sitting and looking into each other's eyes, and she asked what I think when I'm staring at her. I said nothing, I'm just enjoying it. She didn't believe me. She was the one refilling our wine glasses. I tried to kiss her a few more times, each time becoming more bold when she turned me down - kissing her neck, putting her arm around me, touching her face. She said that sometimes I do things and she can tell I'm in the moment, that I do what I want without thinking. I asked if now she believed me when I said I don't think any thoughts when looking into her eyes. She said yes. She told me she'd only felt in the moment like that once in her life, when she was in Costa Rica. I had her tell me about it, and got out of her that there was a boy involved. Earlier she had asked if I was a good dancer, and said that most guys are terrible, but good dancing is very attractive to her. She said that this Costa Rica guy was one of the best dancers she'd met. I asked if that's why she had asked me about my dancing, if she was checking off a list? She said no, she's not checking off a list with me. But that she imagines I'm good dancer. I said let's keep it that way, and she laughed.

She asked straight up,

her: Are you a player?
me: I don't think I am.
her: Then why did (this guy at work, her boss and my mentor) tell you to stay away from me? (I told her when she was at my place last Friday that he'd said that. Mistake...)
me: Because that's the only side of me he sees. (Pause) So you think this is all a trick? That I don't care about you?
her: I think it's fun. (With her tone she conveyed that she wasn't sure).

I legitimately didn't like that she feels this way about me, and showed it in my body language. I looked away and stopped smiling. Then I said let's grab more food and got up. I think I got the message across that her words really do affect me. When we sat down again I was back to normal.

I told her about having surgery, showing some vulnerability, and showed her my scars. Last week she asked what my weaknesses are and I said I didn't have any. Now I told her that I've thought about and came up with one. I'm reckless and impatient (had to do with my surgery).

She said I was good at seducing her, but that it wouldn't work. I kept trying to escalate and now it was getting more intense. She said she wouldn't kiss me. I was kissing her neck and she was touching me. She kept stopping me after a little bit of this, but each time I went farther. I asked why she was biting her lip. I pointed out that she was shaking her head, but with her lips she was getting ready to kiss me. She nodded. She said I had to stop, because kissing her neck is her weakness. She was breathing harder and harder. Then she moved away and sat across from me.

She suggested we play three truths and a lie. I complied. I was awful at it. Then I took her hand and pulled her in. More physicality. She said this would be easy if we didn't work together. I told her to stop overcomplicating things. She said no, it IS complicated. I asked what the worst case scenario is. She started saying how we would have to work together and people would find out. I cut her off and asked what the best best case scenario is. I asked if she liked me. She said, "Maybe." I said, "Yes or no." She nodded. I said, "I like you too. For me the choice is so simple." More physicality. She said she had to go. I whispered in her ear, "stay with me forever." She laughed. She said she'd have to see me tomorrow. I whispered, "I'd love to see you tomorrow." So fucking close, I could smell the lust on her. Then she made up her mind to leave.

I walked her downstairs. While we waited I leaned against the wall. I took her hand and put it around my neck, then put my hands on her hips. Then the uber arrived and she blew me a kiss as it drove away.

What's my next move? Do I keep trying? Do I go cold to get her to chase more? As you can tell from the post, I've been doing most of the chasing verbally. But she's been doing most of the chasing in action - coming to me, complying. Is she really just the kind of girl who takes a long time to open up and I should keep wooing her (she said that last time she's slept with someone was a year ago, that guy in Costa Rica. And before that a 2 year relationship)? Or am I just a provider of attention?

 

[determined]

FR++: Saturday, October 25, 2014

I invited my coworker to watch fireworks with me at the pier. Had her pick me up, and I brought her an avocado from the tree growing in my backyard. As soon as we started walking from the car I put my arm around her, just for a bit, then took her hand. We found a nice spot to watch the fireworks where we were leaning against the railing and it was pretty much just the two of us. During the show we locked eyes and I began to lean in for the kiss, but she leaned back so I stopped.

We walked around a bit, to see the seals and to watch a saxophone player. I didn't plan out my next move - I was going to gauge the situation. But she suggested we climb this hill by her place, which has a great view. Ok. We started towards her car. Before the show she mentioned traffic tickets and I said that it shouldn't be an issue for her, she can simply flash the cops and they'd let her go. She laughed, and later when we talked about us possibly going somewhere dangerous I said that she would have to protect me. I asked if she would flash the bad guys if my life was at stake. She said yes. Then I asked what if it was only my leg at stake. We got into all these scenarios of us flashing people and trusting each other with our lives.

her: What would you do for me?
me: What do you want?
her: I don't know, actually. I'm pretty happy.
me: Ask for the moon, girl.

She then decided that she was starving and suggested we go eat at the same cafe we ate at last Tuesday. Didn't feel like it would move things forward, so I countered that we should cook together, and asked what she had at her place. Nothing. We started discussing places to buy food, then she suggested we cook at my place again. Sure.

When we stepped into my building she said it's a recurring theme, her coming to my place for food. I responded that she only wants me for my food.

I whipped us something up real quick and she picked music, then we ate together standing by the counter, from the same plate. She said that it's very attractive when a guy knows how to cook. She's staring into my eyes and biting her lip, and I tell her to stop looking at me like a predator.

me: I like you.
her: I like it when you say that.
me: Say it back to me.
her: I like you, too
me, doing a little face and move that I'm not sure how to describe, but maybe it could be described as an impersonation of a girl: I like it when you say that, too.

I think she hit me. Then we sat on the floor, me leaning back against my bed and her across from me. Talking and playing music. I showed her one of my favorite songs, Wonderful World by Sam Cooke. I started singing. She asked if I was wooing her. I grabbed her legs and pulled her into me, still singing. And now was the moment. Kissed her. Talking, singing, then kissing again. I lay on my back and pulled her on top of me. Then me on top of her. Then picked her up and moved us to the bed. She said I was crazy. Fooling around.

her: Do you look at me like that on purpose?
me: Yes.
her: How many people do you look at like that?
me: Everyone.
her: Everyone?!
me: Not quite like this. I have to connect with someone, and I also can't do it if they don't reciprocate. But I don't know how to turn it off.
her: Were you always like this?
me: No, I taught myself to.
her: So it's a trick?
me: I didn't teach myself how to make people FEEL like I'm losing myself in their eyes. I taught myself how to lose myself in a girl's eyes.

I had her moaning, she was so excited. In a moment of passion I started to pull her shirt down and she stopped me. She said I got her really buttered up, and if I was trying to turn her on big time? I asked what she would do if she was trying to turn me on? She showed me. She said I had a great body and asked if I knew I was hot. Then she nestled close to me. Lay together, played with each other.

her: It must be close to 12. I should go. Will you walk me to my car?
me, after a pause: Yes.
her: Do you normally not do things for girls?
me: Sometimes I do. Are you asking if you're special?
her: No, I'm just wondering.
me: You're special.

She got up and checked the time and it was 11:53, so I said that gives us 7 more minutes to spend together. She said ok, 7 minutes, and returned to me. We spent another hour together. But after that she really was ready to go. Had her pull me out of bed and rebutton my shirt, and I walked her out. Pinned her against the wall in the hallway and made out for a bit. On the way to her car she said we might run into danger and I'd have to flash the bad guys. Somehow we transitioned to talking about the unzipped pants look and what if my penis was hanging out. She said she'd cover it with her bag. I said she just wanted to put my dick in her bag, and that she could borrow it home, but she'd have to take good care of it.

her: I had a terrible time and don't want to see you again.
me: Your wish is my command.
her: That's not true, you do the opposite of what I say all the time.
me: I do what you want, not what you say.
her: That's true

I kissed her again, then pushed her off and told her to go home. My text, "Dream of me " I wish I remembered more details because there was so much more to last night.

 

[determined]

FR++: Sunday, October 26, 2014

Met this girl Friday. I saw her eating in Chipotle as I walked past so I stepped in to say hi. Sat with her, she was immediately receptive. But she had plans. So I scheduled a date for today and before leaving I asked, "Are you going to give me a bite before I leave?" Got some compliance and agreed that she had excellent taste when she then qualified herself.

Today I met her at a cafe a block from my place. I was late and she had already ordered, was sitting on a couch with her bag next to her. So I ordered and sat with the bag between us. Talking, playing with her hair and her hand. She was sharing a lot, but I didn't feel much of a connection, or much tension. I just couldn't turn it on. But I acted as if it was on. She said I have a powerful walk, and asked if anyone had told me that before. She's an acting major so she pays attention to these things. I said I've been told I have a sexy walk, but not powerful. But maybe it's the same thing.

At some point I realized that her bag shouldn't be between us so I placed it on the floor. A bit later I took her hand and put it around me. She said that was the first time she sat like that with a guy. Usually they put their arms around her. She was doing it awkwardly, so I showed her how.

I knew she had a meeting to go to soon, but wanted to get as far as I could with her today. At a high point I asked if she was done with her coffee. "Good, let's go," and got up. She asked where to. I didn't answer until she stood up and we began walking, then said we'd go listen to some music. Walk to my place. On the way I was able to create a more fun and in the moment vibe. At the cafe I felt like I was boring.

I sat on my bed and she examined my place. I told her to sit down with me and she did. A bit of talking. She said she would have to go at 4:35, which was soon. I put her arm around me again and pulled her body in. Strong eye contact. She was ready. But for some reason I hesitated and she looked away. Definitely missed an opportunity. She took her arm off me and shifted away on the bed. I waited a few minutes, rebuilt the comfort, smelled her when she mentioned smelling like coffee, then went through the process again. This time I took the opportunity she presented. Went in for the kiss, she smiled and turned her head away a bit. Kissed her neck. We were about to get at it, then she checked the time and it was 4:40. I walked her downstairs, arms around each other. She looked like a puppy when she left.

In the future, when I feel like things are boring, like there isn't a super great connection or tons of tension, but the girl is complying letting me touch her like I touched this one at the cafe, I think it means she's simply ready to get physical. Move faster with those.

After she left I went back out again, and I don't know whether it was the coffee or the 2 great dates, but I was so on. More than I ever remember being. The next girl I approached on the street I was able to stop from far away, just by the way I looked at her. She was walking towards me and we locked eyes, and she stopped and looked behind her because she was sure I must be looking that way at someone else.

A bit later I ran into a friend and he, too, noticed that my vibe was different. Complete power and control. That vibe is what being good means. I wish I could turn it on at will. And I wish I had more girls to approach tonight. Hope I don't wake up tomorrow back to my usual self.

 

[determined]

I'm sick of these ups and downs. Some days I feel on top of the world, others like a piece of shit. I scheduled 5 dates this weekend and they all flaked, even my coworker. I know she likes me. She texts me and chats me and initiates conversation. Friday during work she texts me, "I like that shirt on you." "Prefer it on me or off me?" "Stop distracting me. " We agreed to hang out tonight, and earlier today I told her to meet me at my place. She replied that she can't tonight. Also, "I really enjoy spending time w/u, but 2 be frank: I'm not interested in just coming over and fooling around over dinner. Let me know if you want to take me out on a creative date. Otherwise let's just stay friends! Raincheck for a run or something."

I think she's reacting this way because she still believes I'm a player and she doesn't matter to me. This whole situation is so stupid. If she knew how I felt she'd be able to let herself go with me, but if she'd also probably lose attraction for me. What now? I feel like caving would lower her attraction, but refusing to woo her would also come off as weak. I can see two options: either become more distant to make her chase, or woo her, but make sure the extra effort is coming from me, not from her. Or some combination of the two. My response to her text was simply, "K." It doesn't commit me to anything and I didn't know what else to say. It's also nonreactive so it doesn't reward her behavior. I hate these games.

 

[determined]

LR: Saturday, November 8, 2014

Hung out with the girl from work twice this week, then met up yesterday to go dancing. She stayed the night and we finally slept together this morning. Persist as if "no" isn't part of your vocabulary. Not sure how much detail I should post online because this one might become serious. I wonder what will happen next.

 

[determined]

FR++: Monday, November 10th, 2014

Brought 2 girls home today. First one I approached at the mall. Said she was on her way home, walking towards bart, which I assumed she was going to take. I walked with her, but she stopped walking as we were passing Starbucks. Looked like she wanted to go in. I lean against the wall. She just got a job at the mall, so I ask if it's her dream job. She tells me she wants to be a campaign manager, so make it sexual by asking if it's because she saw House of Cards and wants to have an affair with a politician. She tells me how she got interested in it and I say, "That's really cool. Most people just go about their lives and don't even think about it. You want to make a difference." She agreed. I added, "And you feel like you can." I don't feel too much of a vibe, but she's here talking to me and it's now or never, so I suggest we grab coffee and find a spot to sit down. Ok.

We go back in the mall to sit. As we walk she tells me her parents were disappointed when she decided to leave school in Virginia and move to SF. They said she was giving up on a great opportunity. I said, "I think you're the kind of person that makes opportunities happen." She picks this bulky table and I comment about it, saying that I feel there's a wall between us. She disagrees. I do some cold reads, guessing she's a cat person for example. She brings up her male roommate whom she hates. Turn it into a sex frame:

me: Does he put the toilet seat down?
her: Haha, don't even get me started. And when he shaves he leaves his hair everywhere.
me: What color is his hair?
her: Dark.
me: So you don't even know if he's shaving his face or down there.
her: You're disgusting.

She tells me about another show, Scandal, where a girl sleeps with the president. I say, "Yeah, I can tell you're ambitious. Sleeping with a congressman would be setting your sights to low." She laughs, then I go into a bunch of what if scenarios, whether she would sleep with the president under different situations and how many dates she would make him take her on first. I observe that she flutters her eyelids every once in a while when she talks. She responds in a self-conscious way so I add, "I like it." She's constantly playing with a napkin, so I ask,

me: Do you always play with things?
her: Yeah, it's a nervous thing.
me: Why are you nervous?
her: You're a dick.
...
Talking about her brother, whom she's very close to
her: He's a tool because he's super romantic with girls. He serenaded this one girl with a guitar then asked her to homecoming.
me: What did she say?
her: Yes.
me: Sounds like he's got it all figured out.
her: Yeah, I guess so. I don't know where he got it, our parents aren't affectionate at all.
me: Sounds like me, my parents were never affectionate, either. You picture your perfect life story and you make it happen.

She liked that. I considered asking her about previous romantic things guys have done for her. Because she described her brother as a tool, I'm guessing that guys haven't treated her that way. So I knew asking would make her insecure, which I may or may not be able to use to my advantage. Decided to play it safe and change the subject. More deep diving, sexual frames. I also touch her hand once, and later try to take it, but pull back when she doesn't comply. We talk about how she's 20 and can't go out to drink. I really don't feel the vibe, but this is a good opening and I feel it's time. So I suggest we grab a glass of wine.

her: Red or white? (perfect. Now I can ask her to choose, which will make her more likely to agree to come)
me: I don't know, which do you prefer?
her: Depends on what I'm eating.
me: We're not eating.
her: Red.
me: Ok, let's go.
her: Where?
me: My place.

Turns out she wasn't going to take the bart, she actually lives very close to the mall. She was just going to Starbucks. And her plans for the rest of the day were nothing. We start walking and I figure since it's about 7 blocks to my place, "Actually, do you have wine at your place?" No. "Ok, my place it is." I think that made things feel more spontaneous, which is good. Linked arms while walking.

On the way she asked how often I bring girls to my place for wine. I said,

me: Every day. Would that make you jealous?
her: No. (she's down)
me: How often do you pick up boys at the mall?
her: You're the first.
me: Will I be the last?
her: I don't know.
me: Promise me.
her: I can't
me: I'd be so jealous. Tell me we'll be together forever.
her: Haha.

Now I find out she has to give her roommate's dog medicine at 6 and it's already 5:30. Damn. She tells me about her traffic ticket, so I ask, "If I was in trouble with the police, would you flash them to save me?" No. "If they took me to jail, would you wait for me?" No. "Would you come visit?" "Maybe, if you're nice." We're walking up my stairs now.

Pour us wine. She asks when was the last time I had a girl over. Nonchalantly, "Friday." Pour us wine. She sees a ring that Friday's girl forgot and asks if I'm going to return the ring. I say yes. "Are you sure?" "Of course." Sit next to her on the bed. We start talking about guys keeping trophies and she tells me about a guy she knew who would keep girls' scrunchies. I ask, "If you were wearing a scrunchie, would you leave it for me?" "No." A bit of talking to make her comfortable.

her: You're very straight forward.
me: I'm very shy.
her: Haha.
me: I used to be.
her: I don't believe that.
me: Why not?
her: Actually, I do. I used to by shy, too.
me: I think you're still a bit shy. You just don't show it. (cold read)
her: Good job, yeah.

I really don't feel the vibe, but she's here so she must want it. I play with her ear and she says that's weird, then exaggerates by playing with my ear in a super weird way. It's obviously an excuse to touch me, so now I know she's ready. Plus, she has to go soon. I kiss her. More talking. Start touching her leg. Kiss again. She brings up being nervous again and I again ask why she's nervous. She says, "Because you're a guy. And your hot." And now it's past 6 and she has to go. She says, "Text me... soon?" I invite her to watch a movie with me tomorrow and she agrees. Walk her out.

 

[determined]

FR++: Monday, November 10th, 2014

As I'm sitting with the last girl on my bed I get a text. Read it when she leaves and it's another girl. I met her a week ago. Got her number and agreed to meet Thursday, but she didn't respond to my ice breaker. Also didn't seem super interested. I forgot about our date on Thursday, and texted her again Sunday. She had deleted my number, but by chance I ran into her again that day while we were texting. I was so charming, really my best foot forward. She agreed to maybe see me tonight. But I wasn't counting on it.

But now she texted me that she got off work and what I wanted to do. So I met her at Union Square. Hug, sit in front of the Christmas tree. Talk.

her: So is this what you do? Stare at girls?
me: Do you like it?
her: No.
me: How does it make you feel?
her: Uncomfortable.
I'm going to keep doing it. Either she likes me and it turns her on or she doesn't like me and it turns her off.
...
her: How old are you?
me: How old would you guess?
her: 25.
me: Really? 23, but I look younger. (The last girl thought I was older, too. Strange).
her: Yeah, I should have guessed younger. But you seem very mature.
me: You seem mature, too.
her: I hate that age.
me: Why?
her: 23 year old guys always think they're older than me.
me: They are, by 2 years.
her: I mean mature. They're condescending.
me: You do seem mature for your age. (Pause) So you like them older?
her: How much older?
me: 25.
her: Yeah.
me: 35?
her: Depends, if they have money.

Then I give her a bunch of what ifs: What if he was super fat? What if she didn't have to sleep with him - if he was so fat he couldn't even get it up, but she would have to be his arm candy? Etc. She then turns it around on me, what if a woman was 45 and had money? I ask for more info. She says the woman looks decent and I like her.

me: Then I would be with her regardless of the money. I don't care about age.
her: She's ok, but you know you can do better. But she's paying you 8k per month.
me: Then probably not. What's life without a great woman? All the money in the world wouldn't make up for it.
her: Oh my god, you're like one those foreign guys who are super passionate and pursue women.
me, laughing and pulling her in: Wouldn't you give up all your possessions if you could go live on an island paradise with your dream man? And you could just eat coconuts all day.
her: Yeah.
me: See?

I play with her hand. She asks what I'm doing. I shrug and change the subject. Still playing with her hand, though. More talking. She asks if we're just going to sit here. I say we can go listen to music. "Where?" "My place." "No." Change the subject. She's looking at me funny.

me: What?
her: I'm staring at you like you are me.
me: But you're doing it weird.

I think this was bad. She showed discomfort, and I responded by showing discomfort as well. Or maybe it was good, maybe by calling her out on it I brushed off her frame.

She says she wants to walk, otherwise she's getting uncomfortable. I link arms and she again says that I'm so foreign. I open up by telling her how I actually don't feel much at home in Israel. I feel more at home here. She asks where we're walking to and I say

me: My place, but you don't have to come in if you don't want to.
her: So I'm just walking you home?
me: We can sit on the steps.

I put her arm around me and put mine around her. She tells me she used to date a Muslim guy. I ask if he was repressed in bed. She laughs and says yes. Near my place I see my neighbor, who's an old Asian lady. Perfect opportunity to show a softer side. While talking and looking with my neighbor I reached back for my girl to take my hand. She did. Backfired a bit because my neighbor really wanted to hang out with us. I tell my neighbor we were just going to sit on the steps, and my girl says she'll come inside. Nice.

Get to my place, sit on my bed. She's not fully comfortable. Put on Sean Paul. I ask if she's close with her parents. She is. Cold read: "But you're closer with your mom than your dad." "Yeah, how'd you know?" "I don't know. Just a feeling." Get us water. Her phone kept texting and she said, "Sorry, I'm popular." I replied, "You're popular with me." Before I can build up to make a move she says she should get going soon.

She says she should hook me up with her roommate. She'd really like me, would probably fall in love with the way I talk. I ask what the roommate is like. More talking. She gets up to go and wants me to walk her to bart. I tell her to stay five more minutes, and she has to sit back down. I'm laying in the middle of the bed. She won't, says,

her: I know what you're doing, you're making your move.
me: No moves.
her: Then why?
me: As a gesture that you like me.
her: You think I like you?
me: Yes.

Some other shit. I just wanted a little more compliance before I let her go. Eventually she sat down, but for only about a minute. Got back up and said lets go. I should've complied here, acting as if she'd given me what I wanted, but instead I said that it was too short. Eventually she left and I didn't walk her.

 

[determined]

FR++: Tuesday, November 11th, 2014

Two girls flaked on me today. Went to a language exchange meetup. Was definitely hoping to meet a girl, but I was in pure social circle mode. I got there relatively early and struck up a conversation with a Japanese guy. Not what I was looking for. So I ended it and walked towards a different table. And I see this girl with a name tag that says she speaks French and Spanish, the two languages I want to speak. So I say, "French and Spanish, you're my soulmate." She laughs and I sit across from her.

Straight to deep diving mostly in broken French with some English. She just moved to SF and doesn't know anybody. She's a translator and speaks fluent French and Spanish. I said she could be my private tutor - once we're done with French we'll move on to Spanish. She was born in Barbados, so I asked what her favorite beach drink is and role played us eloping together to an island paradise and drinking pina coladas. She's not very socially experienced and I just felt so in control. Very different from cold approach. I qualified her more than usual, was more warm because I felt she needed it. Got her number, saying I'll introduce her to people in town.

There was a Korean guy sitting next to us awkwardly by himself so I included him in the conversation to show my considerate side and to not show her too much interest. But I soon pawned him off on some other guy and it was back to just the two of talking until some other girl overheard us speaking French and wanted to join in. Now I dropped the ball. I was tired and not loose, my French isn't as good as these girls', and this girl spoke so softly I could barely hear her. So it was mostly them talking and me trying to look cool, joining in every once in a while. I felt awkward. I would occasionally engage people who were nearby to not seem like a social burden.

Native French speakers arrived and this girl wanted to go talk to them, but now there was a Korean guy with us. Either he's just getting started with pickup or he's just very forward and uncalibrated - approached us very aggressively and dominated the conversation. Teased my girl the wrong way, said strange and opinionated things, it was great. I just sat there chuckling and my value kept going up in comparison.

When he left it was just the two of us again. Touched her hand twice while talking. Also had her add "French" to the list of languages on my name tag. She put a smiley face next to it. Asked when she was planning to head out, and she said she didn't know. Maybe now if I was leaving. I said ok, we can walk.

Start walking towards my place, link arms. Since she's from Barbados, I ask if she feels more like and American or like a goddess from paradise. A block from my place she asked if I wanted to turn left. I replied, "Aren't you going to walk me home?" She answered, "Oh, is that what I'm doing?" Lead her to my place. I don't feel the vibe and don't want her to think I tricked her into coming home with me so I sit on the steps. She stands and is about to go, but I keep the conversation going and invite her to sit with me. She does.

Sit and talk for a bit, then I ask a personal question and in the middle of her answer I cut her off and ask if she'd like a glass of wine. I find that's the best time to ask for compliance, when a girl is in the middle of answering a question about herself. She wants to finish qualifying herself, and is already in the middle of complying (with my request for information), so she's very likely to say yes. We stand up and she asks if there's a bar inside. I say no. She says, "let's go to a bar." I ignore her and lead the way inside. She follows.

Pour us wine. She asks what kind of wine it is and I say, "I don't know, some girl left it here." Sit on the bed, she stands. Talk for a bit then invite her to sit. She complies. I really don't feel sexual with this girl. I wonder how much of that is just in my head, like if I was in a more sexual mood things would be more sexual between us. Or if it's her, or our chemistry, that's lacking. Or maybe it was super sexual to her and only I was perceiving things differently. I play with her hand twice and touch her hair, but don't go for the kiss. I just wasn't feeling it. Eventually she said she should go. Made it very clear that she wants me to text her. I texted her after that it was nice to meet her and she replied, "Likewise E. Let me know if you're ever free to meet up again some place "

 

[determined]

Hey, so reason I haven't been writing is that I've been in a relationship with the girl from November 8. I wasn't sure at first if I wanted a relationship, but the more time I spend with her the better it gets. I continued meeting new girls for a short while after we slept together, but eventually it started to feel wrong. Plus I didn't want them anymore. Amazing how great a fit we are for each other and amazing that such a high quality girl could be so crazy about me. Also, very entertaining to watch other guys at work try to get her (we're keeping things on the down low).

 

[determined]

LR: February 2018

Alright guys, it's been a while...

I broke up with my ex in September after 3 years. It was an amazing relationship and she was an amazing girl, but eventually it went downhill. Very sad. I learned so much though, I think if I could do it over I might have been able to make it work. I'll use it for the next girl... So I'm back!

I wish I could write here more, but I'm just incredibly busy. Work is my life right now, so I have less time for approaching as well. Plus I live in a suburb, so fewer women and WAY fewer attractive single women. But I have to share this one with you guys .

Still, slept with 4 girls since the breakup. 3 I met online - 2 were completely unattractive and I just slept with them to get back in the game, and 1 was passable. The last I met in person via cold approach and she was hot. I saw her when I went out for lunch one day on my own, so sat with her. Check out our texts, this is amazing (we'll call her Ellie):

And sorry for not including timestamps with these texts, but they're a pain to add. So you'll have to infer when there were gaps.

2/2
her: Still so impressed by the bold engineer that picked me up at <restaurant>
me: Worth putting myself out there to meet you
...
2/5
Met up for tea 3 days later, it went well. She was super nervous the whole time. I noticed and dialed back the sex/aggressiveness to instead show more vulnerability and make her comfortable. And it worked. We kissed, she became super sexual, and at the end of the date offered me a ride home. I accepted and invited her in - she had made it very clear that she wants to sleep with me. But she said she was getting "groomed" Thursday or Friday so we should wait. I figured my odds would be better by seeming aloof than by pushing. Because I was really framing the whole night as her chasing me. Couldn't break that frame now.
...
Me: Enjoyed getting to know you, Ellie. Have a good night.
Her: Likewise. Don't work too hard tomorrow
Her: By the way, I think you absolutely 100% are the shit
Her: For whatever that's worth
Me: I think you're pretty cool, too
...
We scheduled a date for Friday, 2/9 (because she would be groomed ).
...
2/8 - Here's where it gets interesting
Her: Hey E, I'm sorry to do this, but this guy I've been seeing for a few months now wants to start dating exclusively, so I have to cancel our date tomorrow. It was really fun to meet you, and good luck with <your company>! [Really?? This guy had to pick TODAY? Goddammit, that's what I get for not sealing the deal on Monday...]
me: That's great! Tell him you'll decide by Saturday
her: Wow I admire your moxie
her: Guess I better show up tomorrow at 7:30 then
me: Good, I'm excited. Hope you are, too.
her: You did say you like a challenge....
her: And I love an underdog
her: So it turns out he does not admire your moxie
her: And I want to honor his wishes
me: I bet he doesn't, and also hope you're honoring your wishes as well. Happy to spend time with you even if I can't have you.
her: Now why would you want to do that? Haha
her: Also, where were you planning on taking me?
me: Because you're cool
me: And it's a surprise
her: Should I eat beforehand?
me: Yes
her: Am I not worth sitting down to eat with?
me: I did if you remember [because I picked her up during lunch and ate with her]
me: Does eating together mean more to you?
her: Haha touché
her: And not particularly
her: Just giving you a hard time
me: No worries, you can keep trying [she was constantly testing me during our date. Very difficult girl]

2/9
her: After giving it more thought, I think it would be best for us to go our separate ways, since I am attracted to you and don't trust myself to honor his wishes if we were to go out
her: (And I don't anticipate changing my mind)
me: I would tell you that I 100% support your decision, but why do I get the feeling you're not fully excited about it yourself?
me: How about this? Instead of meeting at a venue, meet me at the same park. That way it can be super quick if you want to leave. I'm just so curious now. [after tea we went to a nearby park. That's where we kissed]
me: I can do earlier than 730, too
...
Some logistics. We met at 5:45
...
2/10 00:18
me: Pleasure spending time with you as always, Ellie. Sweet dreams...
her: Sweet dreams to you too!
her: Tell your cute little brother that the unnamed fake redhead that's loud in bed said hi

Instead of going exclusive with this guy, she now plans to break up with him. Oh, and btw she's 4 inches taller than me. It's decided, I am the shit.

One more thing I've noticed, I get 0 lmr right now (almost). Every girl I've slept with took her clothes off for me easily, all of them on the first or second date, and all of them wanted a relationship with me right away. Quite different from 3 years ago.

And yeah, I'm presenting myself as boyfriend material even though Chase says not to. It's working well for me, though. But to be clear, I don't give any pretenses that I'm actually interested in a relationship with any them. Because I'm not and honesty is important to me. I just present myself as a great CANDIDATE to be a boyfriend and I don't completely rule it out. I just hint at the very slight possibility - Who knows? Maybe they'll eventually win me over - and act ambiguously while not promising anything.

 

[determined]

Wow, I just skimmed through some of my past entries and I'm so glad I have this journal! Life is awesome.

 

[determined]

LR-: Thursday, May 24th, 2018

Got a blowjob from a Tinder girl Thursday on a first date, and I actually don't feel too great about it. More and more I have girls opening up to me quickly and trusting me with their vulnerabilities. They tell me how handsome, attractive, and sweet I am, how they like the way I look at them, and how I make them nervous. But I'm not into any of them.

This particular girl looked great on Tinder, but in person was a big letdown. Hard to separate her personality from her looks and make up my mind whether I would have been into her had she been more attractive.

I'm pretty sure I could have gone all the way with this girl if I persisted, but I chose not to because it felt like the wrong thing to do. She went from telling me at the beginning of the date how she'd been hurt in the past and bla bla bla, to gaining more and more trust towards me and telling me how sweet and different I am from other guys. All the while getting more and more turned on and more and more generous with both her compliments and her touch towards me, until it was time to pull.

Before we got physical, I told her that she shouldn't hook up with me if she's only doing it in the hopes that this will turn into something. I can't promise her anything, so she should only hook up with me if hooking up with me is what she wants. But of course she's so infatuated with me at this point she can't make a rational decision. I have a lot of power to hurt girls if I'm not careful.

Bottom line, I don't want to sleep with girls anymore whom I'm not into. It's empty for me, hurts them, and I don't want to spend any more time with them afterwards. I just have to let them down. I need to meet better girls. I need to get back to the city.

 

[determined]

LR: Sunday, June 3rd, 2018

Slept with the girl from the last entry. She is actually pretty cool, I just need to be careful and responsible to make sure she doesn't get hurt.

I invited her over to cook dinner. She came over, said she wasn't hungry yet so we just hung out on the couch. Very quickly started some heavy mutual touching, but then she announced that pants were staying on today and buttoned hers back on whenever I unbuttoned them. lol, game on.

Amazing what's possible if you're patient and hold your frame. And of course if you actually don't give a shit. First I talked with her openly about her hangups:

• She thinks if she gives it up too fast, guys don't stick around
• She doesn't want me to think she's easy
• She thinks if she gives it up too fast we'll have nothing to look forward to

then explained why they're all bs:

• She's messing up her causality. When she waits to sleep with guys, what she's doing is filtering out the guys who don't want to stick around. It's not that she's causing more guys to stick around, she's just missing out on the guys who give up. If a guy DID want to stick around, he would stick around whether or not she slept with him. So she's being very smart if her goal is to filter out one night stands. But if there's a guy she WOULD be open to sleeping with even if he doesn't stick around, she's actually hurting herself because she might lose her chance with him. I then followed it up (a bit later, not right away), saying that she shouldn't fall in love with me because even though I like her I probably won't stick around. Let her connect the dots there...
• Busted out the "it's unfair women have to pretend they don't love sex" spiel. She agreed
• This one's just complete bs

Oh, and of course I told her that it's really totally fine if we don't have sex, as long as we enjoy hanging out together. Which is true - of course I want sex but it's not the only thing in the world. And she's a nice girl even if I don't want a relationship with her.

Then she started touching me closer to my crotch and I asked why she's teasing me and if she's trying to punish me or reward me etc. Then the teasing turned into a competition and one thing let to another - again with lots of patience because it took time. Until she said something that signaled to me that she had changed her mind about sex, so I commanded her to tell me she wants my cock inside her. She did as she was told.

Afterwards we made dinner and ate. She told me she wanted another round of sex, which I couldn't give her so soon. Funny how completely her tune changed from "no sex" to "please more sex."

She also started again on how wonderful I am, and said I'm everything she's looking for in a man. Very dangerous, I don't know how much clearer I can be that she shouldn't count on being my girlfriend. But she IS sweet and fun, I'll see her again. We danced for a bit in the living room and then I sent her home.

 

[determined]

FR+: Saturday, June 9th, 2018

I have seriously leveled up. I spent yesterday in SF and got 3 numbers out of 6 approaches. All beautiful. The first one at first tried to ignore me and walk away, but I stopped her. Later, after we connected a bit, I asked how many times per week guys come talk to her, expecting a few per week. She said it was too many to count, though, which surprised me. I asked how those usually go and she said she just walks away without saying anything. So I asked what was different about me and she said my energy. I'm the 1 guy out of who knows how many that she stopped for and sat down to chat with.

Later, around 6, I met this Colombian girl who's visiting for just a few days. And we hung out until 1am. I actually had dinner plans with the girl from the last LR, but I cancelled on her last minute. I've never done that before and felt bad, but I had no time to lose with the Colombian. Haven't met someone I liked so much since my ex. We grabbed coffee, then went to try to find her a jacket because she was not prepared for SF weather, then grabbed food, then drinks and dessert at a lounge with an amazing view of the city, then danced very briefly, then walked to Pier 39 which was basically empty at that hour. Then I dropped her off at her hostel.

At the lounge we were sitting right next to each other, shared wine because I picked a much better one than her, and I was doing the whole eye contact thing while she said it made her shy. I could see her looking at me expectantly. I didn't want to kiss her yet, but knew I was making her wait too long and she would probably soon start to think that I don't know how to make a move. So I leaned in, and she leaned in, and then instead of going for her lips I moved my head to the side to whisper in her ear instead. I smelled her and said in her ear, "you smell good."

Later when we were sitting on a bench at Pier 39 and I could see we wouldn't get together tonight, I did kiss her.

I failed to close. My initial direction of attack was to get her to invite me to her hostel. I've never stayed at one so I assumed she had her own room. And she did invite me to walk her there, but then I found out she was sleeping in a room with 7 other people, so I changed plans and suggested to get us a hotel room. I couldn't convince her to join me. She's never slept with someone so fast before and I couldn't make her comfortable with the idea. She offered that I stay at her hostel (no thanks).

Hopefully we'll see each other Monday before she leaves and I'll have a chance to try again. But even if it doesn't pan out, the whole thing was so great. She was great. And it was all so smooth and real and natural. Just like it should be.

 

[determined]

LR: Aug 17th, 2018
I moved back to the city finally, and had a hard time getting dates actually. Pretty much all my approaches go over relatively well, but either turn into a number that doesn't convert, or not even that. So either I was very lucky June 9th, or I was doing something different without realizing.

Anyways, a few weeks in I met this Russian girl who's beautiful, fun, sweet, and so on. We locked eyes in the grocery store as she walked by, and I took that as an invitation so I followed her and said hi. Later she told me that my eye contact was so intense when we locked eyes that she was scared and wanted to run away, lol. I don't believe her, though - I'm sure it was intimidating and exciting, but the way she responded when I said hi showed very clear interest. There were some logistical difficulties as I had left my phone in the office that day and had to meet someone who was bringing it to me, and then her phone died, too, but we still met up a couple hours later and grabbed a drink.

On the one hand I was masterful - the flirting, texting, eye contact, deep diving and learning very personal things about her she doesn't often share, getting through her armor and showing she can trust me, touch, teasing, and telling her that we should be just friends because otherwise she would probably get hurt, but that I will probably fail to keep my hands off her even though I'll try my best. We started seeing each other pretty much every other day, until about 10 days later we slept together. And this is a girl, who even though she's older than me, has only ever slept with one other guy. She's never felt such a desire for sex before as she did with me. Since she was traveling here, we both knew it would only be temporary. She was supposed to leave in early Sept which would give us only a month, but ended up extending her trip until end of Nov to stay with me. So we spent 4 months together, which was extremely enjoyable for me. It helped me to fully get over my ex, showed me that all the things I was missing in my previous relationship DO exist and are attainable, and further cemented in my mind that I'm the type of guy amazing girls fall for.

On the other hand, it's very useful to have a deeper relationship with a girl because you can learn so much more. And talking with her, I realized I also made some terrible mistakes that I couldn't recover from. In the end I hurt her, just like I hurt pretty much every girl I've dated in the past year. I'm not sure how to fix it. I act towards these girls like I care and want a connection, because I genuinely do. I don't enjoy empty one night stands that much. I just don't want any sort of commitment, and I don't want it to last forever. I'm honest and upfront about it, but from the girls' perspectives, they see my actions and the look in my eye and think it looks like love, which doesn't fit with the words I'm saying. So they believe my actions and not my words. Until I hurt them. Any advice here?