I'm starting to see that this journal really helps me when I fall out of the habitual approaching and gaming. When I re-read old posts and see myself at my "peak" or in state or what I'm capable of doing, it really helps me to persevere.
I don't even recognize the guy in my old posts sometimes.
So here is an update (to myself and to anyone who enjoys reading) of encounters I've had the past months.
Training school:
So in this college-like setting, everyone was horny as hell and hooking up. I thought it would be easy in a setting like this (and it was in a sense, girls were more open because they no longer had their abundance mentalities. Whatever guys were here were all they could really choose from) but it turned out to still be difficult for me because I'm not THAT good yet.
I assumed that this setting would make it where girls would fall on my dick and I wouldn't have to do any work.
I learned that to get laid, you have to put in work because women will not do it. They'll appear available and make themselves approachable but they'll rarely put in work.
(More on this later)
So when I first got out of basic, me and a couple of guys were already planning on hitting on thirsty chicks. A natural named Thomas wanted to help me out and he would command me to go approach certain girls and tell me his judgments on what I should do. It rapidly became clear that he didn't understand game though, and he was the type to throw shit on the wall until something stuck. He was attractive and charismatic so girls made it extremely easy for him.
I gave up eventually on our "class whore" who most of the guys were after (and girls were jealous of) and ended up becoming infatuated with a cute short but fierce Indian (punjabi) girl.
We clicked and I continued to escalate and hung out with her and another guy until we made him feel like a 3rd wheel and he eventually left us alone. I didn't see it at the time but she was dtf. Everyone always pointed out how cute we were together and kept asking if we had something going on. We both denied anything and I made it clear to her that I like to keep these things under the radar because people always come and fuck things up once they know.
This girl was also inexperienced, a virgin, not interested in sex or relationships and very spiritual with her Sikh beliefs (which I learned about by meeting her) I took everything she said at face value, got attached and considered being in a relationship with her before sex but I knew it was wrong.
We shared a late night walking around outside, talking and deep diving and then we sat on a bench and looked at the stars. I felt one with my masculine energy that night and one with the universe. I felt like a man and she felt like a woman. She rested her head on my shoulder and we talked every so often but sat in silence. I told her to look at me and cupped her chin in my hands. I wanted to kiss her but something didn't feel right. I never went for it and we went in for the night.
I tried to set a date up with her the next day but she flaked on me and I found out she went to hang out with my bunk mate/friend from basic. We'll call him Rob. (Not to be mistaken for Mr. Rob)
I find out all of a sudden that this entire time Rob was also talking to her and flirting with her but he did so with outcome independence and went about his school life trying to get good grades on the tests and studying instead of having a social life.
She went out on a date with him from flaking on me. That shit hurt.
For the next couple of weeks I'm watched them grow as a couple, constantly going on dates and doing fun things together while she rejected all my attempts to hang out with her again.
I should have closed that night was the overbearing regret I felt and I found it impossible to direct my attention elsewhere besides her. It fucking sucked. I could not figure out what she saw in him. He was skinnier than me. Shorter than me. Not that good looking. Had a high voice. And had no social proof.
And then I found out more of his backstory.
This guy was homeschooled his whole school life and then when he graduated senior year he took his inherited money, hopped on a plane and flew to Hawaii to live by himself and struggle and experience life.
In Hawaii, he experience almost every drug known to man, went to the craziest parties, raved, almost went to jail and you get the idea. Then he almost got married to a Muslim girl who was the only girl he couldn't fuck at the time which made him put in dedication to her. (He's also admitted to having a thing for brown/middle eastern girls.. They are his weakness)
He converted to Islam and from there has been turning his life around.
He always took the effort to preach to me about drugs, the party life, clubs, and hitting on girls.
He saw that I was having an awakening and thought it was best I learn from his mistakes before I "go down his path"
So what did this girl like about him? He was relatable. They both shared similar religious beliefs. He was exciting and spontaneous. Compared to the dates I'd offer, he took her out to play paintball, go skydiving, go on random adventures to a nearby town, and run track together.
She was so oblivious to her own attraction for him and denied anything besides her seeing him as a friend.
And he would not close her at all. He just kept taking her on date after date (which annoyed me)
And his plans were to have sex after marriage because that's what he does now. Eventually and obviously, her attraction for him expired and she ended up hated him. It was a complete 180.
By then I had gotten over my attachment to her by actively trying to talk to new girls and avoiding her as much as possible. She began showing me signs of interest again but I just wasn't as interested anymore.
I accidentally became infatuated with a lesbian friend of mine who I vented frustrations to.
It started out as us just venting to each other and then turned into us flirting and me deep diving her about being a lesbian and other things. We played this game at school where we had to punch each other if you look at this symbol made with our fingers. (If anyone is familiar with the show Malcolm in the middle, and remember that episode, it's that game)
I had many moments in class where I talked to her in my sexy deep voice very silently and opened her up further than anyone else would go. She told me that when I look at her it's like I'm staring into her soul. (Which became a thing. She'd comment on my "soul-gazing eye contact" every so often. My eyes are becoming dangerous)
Still, for some reason, she never agreed to go on any dates with me. She never complied. She never let me escalate or move things forward. People noticed that we seemed to be having a thing going on. Guys asked me if I tapped yet.
Rob told me to give up because she's a lesbian.
The whole time I knew I should've just moved on to other girls but I already put in so much investment into her just like I did with Indian girl. I fell into infatuation (and she knew it)
She began acting mean to me to push me away from her which confused me at he time. I thought she was horny and wanted me to act or playing hard to get. Nothing was working and had this giant wall up around me.
Then this guy from our class began flirting with her simultaneously while all this happened.
This guy was a Rico suave muscular "everything GC teaches us to be" type of man from Colombia.
So think Sofia Vergara but the man version who irresistible to women.
We'll call him Rico.
At first I didn't see him as a threat but then I noticed that he was making her laugh, getting compliance from her, making her invest and she was going out on dates with him. She saw me as her friend to talk about her girlfriend problems to so she admitted to me that she was falling for him. (Unaware of how that made me feel because I hadn't taken action yet or showed her my intentions)
We and a group of friends went out to town and she fucking invited him.
I decided to act cool and aloof and not chase her or act jealous. It sorta worked because she also kept flirting with me that night and kept touching me to initiate me giving her attention again.
Still I couldn't make anything happen and we split up and she went with him to the club while I went home.
She texts me a couple days later telling me she felt like shit and I decide to be a friend for her.
She cried to me because she "cheated on her girlfriend" and admitted to me that something went down after the club.
She didn't want to tell her girlfriend and kept it all secret.
I moved on from her. Rico was just too good. His game was miles ahead and they eventually were a couple.
I got heartbroken twice in 2 months.
Then came along a straight cold approach I did on "campus"
I posted a FR on her when I went out on a date with her. I almost had it but I fucked up.
What I don't have written down is what happened after the date with her.
(Obviously, I got infatuated again while trying to close things out that were unfinished.)
I still had a chance to close her but I fucked THAT up.
A couple days after our date and of us not running into each other or texting, I sent her a picture text of myself shirtless with a message: I lost my shirt, do you have one I can borrow?
I knew this text was risky and could go 50/50. Either she'd be turned off or turned on. I wanted to take the chance to see what would happen and what happened was....
She never replied. I couldn't figure out what she thought and I hadn't seen her days either. I was getting desperate for some answers.
I finally saw her walking into the "dorms" one day and said hi to her while sitting on a bench. She nonchalantly said hey wassup while continuing to the door and her faced glued to her phone.
Yup, that's not good. Normally she'd go out of her way and walk over to me, happy to see me.
I walk in after her and catch her stuck in a line to check in. Her faced glued to her phone and casually talking with strangers around her.
Me: hey, did you get my text?
Her: I don't want to talk to you. I'm mad at you.
Me: was it about that text I sent?
Her: yea, I'm not that kinda girl.
I felt like I got struck by a bullet. I felt nauseous and I ran outside to puke in the grass.
"Not that kinda girl"
So she thinks I view her as some slut whose another number to fuck? I mean, yea, she IS a slut (which isn't bad and I didn't really care) but even sluts need to feel like you love them.
I wanted to fix things and show her that I actually cared about her. (Because I did. As you can see I fall quite fast)
I composed myself after realizing no puke was going to come out and then went back inside. She was still in line but a little further progressed. I walked right past her avoiding eye contact and looking determined. I noticed her look at me charge pass from my peripherals.
I sat in a common area right before the stairs that everyone has to climb to get to their rooms. And waited.
She walked in while texting on her phone, looked up and noticed me and looked back down about to continue pass and climb the stairs.
I call her name in a commanding voice.
Me: come here! I have to talk to you!
Her: I can't. I have to put this food in my fridge.
Me: just come here, it'll only take a minute!
She sighs and comes over and sits next to me, her leg against mine.
I just start talking. I come up with the best sincere apology that I've ever said and surprised myself with how well I handled that. (Breaking through her walls and all)
She smiles at the end as if I told her everything she needed to hear and we look into each other's eyes and have this amazing sexual tension. In that moment I wanted to passionately kiss her.
She smelled so nice, I saw her soul in her eyes, I felt the warmth of her thigh pressed against mine.
I think she wanted me to kiss her too. But I wasn't sure, second guessed myself, got nervous and didn't take her in his moment.
She said everything was okay, she understands and forgives me and she can see that I really care about her.
(She made it sound like a good thing but I felt like it was a bad thing. I'm not supposed to have feelings before the lay)
I suggested we go on another date and she said we could once she has some free time.
Her schedule was stacked to go to a concert and hang out with a guy she's been seeing (fucking)
She told me she didn't want to go into too much detail because she could tell I liked her.
(She's a female player is what I learned. Master at picking up guys and making them fall for her)
This was bad. I'm too invested into her now. I regretted not taking her as my lover on the first date we had.
She was warm to me now and happy every time she saw me.
She'd see me and say in the sexiest voice: heyy you
And she'd part ways with me always swaying her hips as if teasing me or taunting me of what I could have if I just took her.
She was, in those moments, the definition of a feminine woman. She once again made me feel like a man, one with my masculine energy. A lion kicked back effortlessly as his lioness put in effort for him.
I was too blinded by my desire to have her all to myself though. Instead of just escalating and taking her, I spent my efforts thinking about her, thinking about a future of us being together, and strategies to appear better than the other guys she was seeing. Infatuation truly blinds you to what you already/almost have. Never once did I text her to try to arrange anything, I just figured that she'll come to me when she's ready and I tried my best to get over her. I knew I needed to get out of my feelings.
Then one night I asked her to meet me in a secluded stairwell so we could talk. I wanted to tell her so much and possibly close things. She didn't want to come down at first, told me she was in her pajamas ready to go to bed.
I told her it'll be quick. She complied.
She comes down in short shorts and a tank top and make up still on her face.
I stand close to her, facing her, taking in her beauty, wanting again to kiss her in that moment. But it was my moment and not a moment she also shared. She was obviously upset about something and looked like she just finished crying.
Me: let's sit down.
We sit.
Me: you alright? (Letting her go first)
She vents to me about the main guy she's been fucking who she has feelings for and about how he's being a douche lately or some shit. I didn't fucking care. I'm not going to play into this nice guy best friend thing and gave her the same response I always gave whenever he was being a douche.
I tell her she can do whatever she wants and that a guy who calls her a slut and verbally abuses her doesn't really accept her for who she is or something like that. (Still a pretty friend-zoning type of response, I didn't know what else to say. It's not like I get in-depth advice on how to handle a girl venting to me) she dries her tears and says:
"Surprisingly, that makes me feel better"
And just like the other time in the common area she smiled and showed me her soul though her eyes.
It was a quiet moment. A moment that I didn't feel the overwhelming desire to kiss her in.
I could tell that she wanted me to though. I knew I had to...I just told her that everything was going to be okay because she was here with me and we don't think of things that upset us when we're together.
I just didn't FEEL it though. Where the hell was the vibe?
The silence played out and she got up and said thanks and goodnight
I missed the window.
Me: wait! Come back!
Her: I have to wake up early
And I let her go.
I shouldn't have let her go, I know.
The next few days I couldn't sleep because of a combination of my infatuated thoughts of her and my regretful thinking and beating myself up over opportunities missed. This was a rough time for my mind. The roughest yet.
I was finding myself going on more Buddhist meditation websites and attending Buddhist classes to understanding the mind more (and to have better control over my own)
She was still warm to me whenever we ran into each other. Always: hey wassup
Or heyy you
I was still blinded by jealously. Blinded by infatuation. I cleared the fog away sometimes and tried to make a date one night.
I sent her a text saying we should hang out again.
No reply. Wtf? And I took that as a sign to officially give up and move on.
The next day I'm at the smoking area with Rob (whose been helping through all these girls I've been infatuated with) and I'm telling him about how I'm moving on now as he smokes his cancer stick. Lol
Then wtf happens? She comes down to the smoking area to smoke.
She walks over to me and sits down next to me.
Her: Soo...you never answered my text last night.
Me: what text? You never answered mine.
Her: yes I did, see? ( she shows me her phone. It's our message history of me saying we should hang out and then her reply saying: when?
)
I show her mine and she sees that I never got her message.
Me: wow, I thought you were ignoring me so I shrugged it off and went to bed. My new phone is being weird. (I just got a new phone a few days prior)
Then we were flirting in a soft tone so nobody could hear us. I made a sexual innuendo referencing the song "or nah" by The Weeknd. She had never heard the song or of The Weeknd and I told her it's a REALLY explicit song about eating a girls pussy out and that black girls get horny as fuck from hearing the song play.
I sang her the words: "do you like it when I flick my tongue or nah, you can ride my face until you drip in cummmm"
She started blushing and was noticeably horny.
Me: I bet you'd really enjoy that
She blushed and I changed the subject (unaware at the time of such a thing called verbal escalation)
Then she went with me and Rob to the cafeteria to get lunch (which was a bad idea)
Things JUST started getting good and now:
I fell back conversationally and let her do some talking as she engaged Rob. He was being unintentionally charismatic and doing really attractive things though and I could feel her attention being drawn more to him.
(I tell you, girls have the attention span of a cat, getting drawn to the biggest light on the wall and chasing it around like it's real) I just stood back and didn't try to screw my chances up by interfering and looking needy.
She was listening to him chat up a random African (possibly Muslim) girl at our table and he was going deeper into revealing his beliefs. I could visibly see her start to lose excitement for him.
And with that she got up and left because she had plans.
I didn't know how to feel. I wanted to keep trying but I also knew it was a bad idea because of how much investment I've put into this girl. I kept feeling like all these chances were a sign from the universe telling me to keep trying.
I continued to try to move on. Ran into her again at the cafeteria and sat down to talk. She was telling me how the guy she's been fucking has been mad at her again lately and verbally abusing her and embarrassing her on social media or something. She said she's definitely over him and admitted to me the honest number of how many guys she's slept with at the school. Then she says: I know what you're thinking...slut alert.
I tell her she should know by now that I don't give a fuck what she does with other guys (even though I really do)
She smiles. And right when I'm about to verbally escalate this motherfucker.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING GUY THAT SHES BEEN FUCKING. The cause of ALL her heart ache and crying comes walking in and walks past to sit at a table alone in the distance.
She notices him and says: I have to go! I can't do this! I'm so sorry...you have great night, I'm so sorry!
She grabs her things and goes before her ever even saw her.
And she left me there.
I finished eating and left the cafe a few minutes after her.
When I walked back to the dorms I passed her talking to some random guy and it looked like she was giving him her number.
1) what the actual fuck?! Do I HAVE to see that?! All I want is to not be aware of the guys she's seeing since I obviously can't handle it.
2) can she stop being hoe for like one sec?! Lol
I decided to continue our conversation from the cafe and sat down on a bench further ahead.
She finished with the guy and continued walking towards the dorms and past me.
I call her name. She says hey wassup while looking up from her phone and continues walking.
Wtf? I should've just gotten over her. She obviously doesn't care as much as I thought and I should've just closed LONG ago. Fuck. I didn't chase after her. That response was all I needed. I was going to move on for good now.
After that I ignored her. I didn't make eye contact with her and I tried my best not to think about her. I went like that for a week or so. Then ran into her at school.
Her: heyy (in the same sexy voice that she used to do)
Goddammit! This girl is a master at fucking seducing guys...whenever I try to break away it's like she pulls me back. I'm supposed to be doing that to HER.
I gave in and texted her that afternoon. No reply. Fuck her...she's probably just stringing me along for her own satisfaction. She's just a flirt and I need to watch out for those. I'm done. For good. ( but not really)
Then I run into her on the stairs.
Her: Heyy
Me: pay! I knew you were going to ignore my text...(said under my breath)
Her: what?
Me: I said I knew you were going to ignore my text (in a louder and angry voice)
Her: (gasp) I-I-I haven't even checked my phone yet and so many people keep texting--you know what? Whatever! I can't do this! (And she runs back upstairs to her floor)
I call after her: wait! I didn't realize it was a misunderstanding! (I grab her arm and she yanks away)
I wait outside where I know she'll be so I can fix things.
She sees me and keeps walking. I try to stop her.
Her: Wes! Don't touch me Wes! Wes!
Me: ( me trying to get a word in)
Her: Wes! (She stops and looks at me like she's hurt by me and like she wants to murder me) not now Wes!
Then she keeps walking to go to the smoking area.
I flip shit and don't know what to do. My logic goes out the window and I figure I should just continue getting over her and ignore it all.
Later that night I run into her going into the dorms building at the same time as me. She seems to be feeling better but I still feel like shit. She looks at me ready for me to finally speak to her but I don't. I'm not feeling it. I need to move on.
And I let her go to bed with it all unresolved.
The next morning I see her and try to talk then. I ask if she's still mad at me. She says yes.
I say can we talk.
Her: there's nothing to talk about. (My actions last night showed just how important she was to me)
And I let her go. I felt nauseous.
2 more times this same thing happened where I tried to talk to her about it and she put up a giant wall and acted like the biggest bitch to me than any girl ever has. She became a demon. She was completely changed.
I was about to graduate and found it pointless to talk to any new girls around school and figured I'd just focus on school until graduation. I spent the last couple weeks still hurt by her. I know now I he to move on for good.
Sorry for the long post. That's how I learned my lesson to not get caught in my feelings this summer and fall. A major lesson for me this year. Gotta feel pain in order to grow.
I need to work on talking to girls without having an outcome in mind so I can lose all attachments. I still struggle with this and I assume all virgins struggle with attachment.
To be continued of more (and shorter) interactions from the past months.
Wes
