Tips for overcoming the 'spotlight' affect when doing sessions

[Aussiedude]

Hey all,

So I've been implementing Aspiring Stoic's method of approaching which I've found to be working pretty well for me.

My System for Not Feeling Approach Anxiety!

Ye Yeah agreed, dating apps are a great stepping stone to get some fundamentals in place. They're far easier then cold approach and if you're a guy with little experience they're actually quite viable. And then you can give cold approach another crack once you're more comfortable with yourself...

www.skilledseducer.com

However even on days when I decide to not open anybody but stand in talking distance of a girl like I would approach. Quite often I still have this feeling of unease. I feel as if I'm being watched or judged by everybody.

So when I go out with only the intention of getting into talking distance with say ten girls, but not actually opening them. I still feel generally uncomfortable. I read this is called the spotlight affect, where you think everybody is watching or judging you. When in reality nobody is taking any notice of you at all.

Now of course I know this, but I still feel uncomfortable when out in public just with the intention of practicing the first step of cold approach. Which is getting into talking distance with women.

It's annoying because I quite enjoy cold approach overall, it's just these things get in the way unfortunately. Like on good days when I'm feeling pretty anxious free I enjoy the process a lot.

I guess any tips if others might of had this issue but got over it would be great.

Otherwise I'll just keeping going at it until I gradually become more comfortable with going out in public to do this kind of stuff.

 

[bkw]

AA and spotlight effect will always be there, but it can be greatly lessened through desensitization, and eventually it'll be a little niggle you feel before you approach, but you'll do it anyway because you've done it so much it doesn't bother you as much.

The best way to "get there" is to approach a shit ton, especially in instances where you feel the spotlight effect. Do it once, do it twice, do it 10 times, and before you know it you'll be wondering why it used to bother you so much. Good reference experiences are good for this, as you prove to yourselves you did it, you connected well with the girl, and you successfully had a fun and good conversation and the spotlight effect was almost non-existent once you were in that bubble/conversation.

Spotlight effect is just another form of AA in this sense that can only be lessened through proactive exposure. Don't approach because of the spotlight effect and you feed into your paranoia concerning it. Wings/coaches are good for this because they force you to go into these situations, which desensitizes it to you very quickly.

 

[Aussiedude]

AA and spotlight effect will always be there, but it can be greatly lessened through desensitization, and eventually it'll be a little niggle you feel before you approach, but you'll do it anyway because you've done it so much it doesn't bother you as much.

The best way to "get there" is to approach a shit ton, especially in instances where you feel the spotlight effect. Do it once, do it twice, do it 10 times, and before you know it you'll be wondering why it used to bother you so much. Good reference experiences are good for this, as you prove to yourselves you did it, you connected well with the girl, and you successfully had a fun and good conversation and the spotlight effect was almost non-existent once you were in that bubble/conversation.

Spotlight effect is just another form of AA in this sense that can only be lessened through proactive exposure. Don't approach because of the spotlight effect and you feed into your paranoia concerning it. Wings/coaches are good for this because they force you to go into these situations, which desensitizes it to you very quickly.

Good advice thanks.

See when I approach it brings a new set of problems.

So for now this is the plan I'm gong to try. First work on desensitizing myself to the spotlight affect and generally feeling uncomfortable in public.

And then once I feel pretty comfortable most days just getting into talking distance with women, then I'll begin opening.

Because I used to approach, but the combo of AA and spotlight I found was a bit too much. So I feel like cutting one down first will make tackling the second a lot easier.

 

[average_daygamer]

In what sized town or city are you doing these approaches? A smaller town is going to have a worse spotlight effect than a city.

One thing you can do is say "hi" to people walking past and then transition into compliments.

 

[Aussiedude]

In what sized town or city are you doing these approaches? A smaller town is going to have a worse spotlight effect than a city.

One thing you can do is say "hi" to people walking past and then transition into compliments.

Big city lol, totally irrational aha.

 

[James D]

Hey all,

So I've been implementing Aspiring Stoic's method of approaching which I've found to be working pretty well for me.

My System for Not Feeling Approach Anxiety!

Ye Yeah agreed, dating apps are a great stepping stone to get some fundamentals in place. They're far easier then cold approach and if you're a guy with little experience they're actually quite viable. And then you can give cold approach another crack once you're more comfortable with yourself...

www.skilledseducer.com

However even on days when I decide to not open anybody but stand in talking distance of a girl like I would approach. Quite often I still have this feeling of unease. I feel as if I'm being watched or judged by everybody.

So when I go out with only the intention of getting into talking distance with say ten girls, but not actually opening them. I still feel generally uncomfortable. I read this is called the spotlight affect, where you think everybody is watching or judging you. When in reality nobody is taking any notice of you at all.

Now of course I know this, but I still feel uncomfortable when out in public just with the intention of practicing the first step of cold approach. Which is getting into talking distance with women.

It's annoying because I quite enjoy cold approach overall, it's just these things get in the way unfortunately. Like on good days when I'm feeling pretty anxious free I enjoy the process a lot.

I guess any tips if others might of had this issue but got over it would be great.

Otherwise I'll just keeping going at it until I gradually become more comfortable with going out in public to do this kind of stuff.

Watch these social experiments on YouTube where guys approach girls and say/do outrageous stuff.

Don't mimic what they do.

Instead, observe the people around them. You'll notice they pass by without even glancing at the guy.

Unless the one approaching is wearing something extravagant, which might attract one or two glances, no one cares.

Everyone feels like the main character in their own lives.

No one cares about you.

Just like you don't care about others when you're out.

You're stuck in your own head with your own problems.

That's everyone else too.

 

[Stark]

When I think of instances where I don't feel spotlight effect Vs when I do, one thing stands out.

Presence.

When I spot a girl and start noticing what's unique about her - there's a zoom in effect.

I get detached from my immediate reality and get lost in a certain aspect of hers (hair, accessory, tattoo, clothing etc.)

I feel drawn to her and want to interact with more of that energy.

My feet start moving towards her almost on compulsion.

No spotlight effect.

 

[OldGuy]

Think of the spotlight effect as a positive! If any attractive women have their eyes on you, you will build pre-selection. I remember one occasion where one hot woman in her 20's showed interested and I could see the interest of 2 other hot 20's women perked up.

 

[Aussiedude]

When I think of instances where I don't feel spotlight effect Vs when I do, one thing stands out.

Presence.

When I spot a girl and start noticing what's unique about her - there's a zoom in effect.

I get detached from my immediate reality and get lost in a certain aspect of hers (hair, accessory, tattoo, clothing etc.)

I feel drawn to her and want to interact with more of that energy.

My feet start moving towards her almost on compulsion.

No spotlight effect.

I totally agree, when I notice a chick and I begin making my way towards her. I immediately feel less of that general anxiety and actually feel more relaxed once my attention is focused on her. Funny how that works.

 

[Aussiedude]

Watch these social experiments on YouTube where guys approach girls and say/do outrageous stuff.

Don't mimic what they do.

Instead, observe the people around them. You'll notice they pass by without even glancing at the guy.

Unless the one approaching is wearing something extravagant, which might attract one or two glances, no one cares.

Everyone feels like the main character in their own lives.

No one cares about you.

Just like you don't care about others when you're out.

You're stuck in your own head with your own problems.

That's everyone else too.

I totally agree, and I can watch a million videos at home, but once I go out in public I get this uneasy anxious feeling. Regardless of what I'm thinking.

I am gradually cutting it down though, and compared to where I was a few months it's much better. Just wondering if there's anything else that might help. Because I find the spotlight for me is actually a bigger impediment than the actual approaches.

 

[James D]

I totally agree, and I can watch a million videos at home, but once I go out in public I get this uneasy anxious feeling. Regardless of what I'm thinking.

I am gradually cutting it down though, and compared to where I was a few months it's much better. Just wondering if there's anything else that might help. Because I find the spotlight for me is actually a bigger impediment than the actual approaches.

First, realize that no one gives a fuck.

Second, teach your brain that no one gives a fuck.

This means you push yourself to have social interactions with girls, even if it's something super safe like asking for directions, and once the interaction is over, you affirm to yourself "See? No one gave a fuck. People are too busy with their own things"

 

[Stark]

First, realize that no one gives a fuck.

Second, teach your brain that no one gives a fuck.

This means you push yourself to have social interactions with girls, even if it's something super safe like asking for directions, and once the interaction is over, you affirm to yourself "See? No one gave a fuck. People are too busy with their own things"

Thus is solid advice.

Not just for spotlight effect.

Can work as an antidote for social anxiety in general

 

[Chase]

I think it can sometimes be helpful to make a bold approach in front of a large group of people.

First time I ever approached a girl (8th grade) was in front of basically half the school at recess. My whole grade was talking about it after (girl had asked me out previously, I rejected her; this time, months later I asked her out myself, she rejected me, lol). I had various people commenting to me about it the rest of the year: "Do you really think she'd go out with you? No way!" or "Dude, you should totally ask her again" or "I heard she still likes you" or a million other opinions. Educational!

I'll still do it just for the fun of it. Approach some hot girl in some VERY conspicuous position. You have to go in expecting it will fail, because it's so high pressure for the girl herself (she also has spotlight, knowing everyone is watching how she responds to you). Gives you a huge adrenaline kick. But after that pretty much any other approach is easy. Great if you have a little rust, or if you're tired and need that adrenaline surge to wake yourself back up + shove those spotlight fears back down where they belong.

On the occasion the girl hooks, and you've got this girl totally into you in front of this crowd of people you approached her right in front of, well then you just feel like a giant pimp.

Relevant:

So You’re a Showoff… How Do You Use It?

In “Locating Good Low Competition Sexual Markets", a reader writes in asking about the desire to show off: “Hey, Chase, I would like to see your article on desire to show off. I have such problem in me that usually I want to be seen as awesome and seek for approval, but it is something that...

www.girlschase.com

Chase

 

[Marty]

No one cares about you.

 

[assman93]

Spotlight effect is natural if you're going out in public with the express purpose of picking up girls during the day. I've personally found taking a jog early in the day prior to a session helps to take the edge off.

In general it's good to remain in a static place, as wandering around aimlessly will invite feelings of spotlight effect.

My standards are fairly high so one frustration I've had is often feeling like there aren't enough genuinely hot girls among the general population, which can make day game sessions drag on.

When 'spotlight effect' begins to undermine your base state, one thing I've found useful is to momentarily take the Eye of Sauron off pussy and do something you enjoy, e.g. checking out a bookstore or getting a bite to eat somewhere. These little breaks enable you to recharge and return to the game with a fresh mindset.