Limerance Journal: Help Needed

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
I rescheduled date last night with 40-something red-haired woman. Can't tell from her pictures if she's really hot in person, but it looks promising. She wanted to push the time, I was not feeling very social. That's something I've got to work on - being an introvert interferes with opportunity. Plus, in my business I've had to take over sales recently and sales and dating are related as far as overcoming anxiety and fear of rejection. We rescheduled for tonight.

Got a lunch date tomorrow with an English girl of my own age. I felt very connected with her during our one-hour conversation last week (really sexy voice), but haven't talked since. I really don't have a plan and wish I did for this whole dating scene; that's why I'm here after all. Lots of great, field-tested resources. I need to put in place a process from first text or approach straight through to harem management.

No contact with the object of my limerance obsession since a fun text exchange earlier in the week. Am thinking about reaching out with a casual "Let's take that hike we keep talking about." I'm also thinking I should ghost her until I get myself sorted out about her. I wish I wasn't so emotionally invested.

I read "The Game" back when it first came out (2005) and I was about to get divorced. It was helpful as I navigated singlehood, and I fairly quickly got into a five-year, tempestuous relationship with one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. It was my most severe case of limerance yet. I also found a few online forums that were popular at the time, but I found them misogynistic and depressing. Not in the spirit I wanted to present. I love women and they are not my enemies.

My son went through a bad breakup in his late teens. His girlfriend told him he "was too nice," and it devastated him. He's a beautiful boy, even taller than me and a true natural. Of all people, he should not be having girls reject him. I sent him to Girls Chase and it changed his life for the better. How fitting that I am now going through the same journey.

Inspired by @gameboy's journal, I'm going to get more into day game. The one numbers pull I had a couple weeks ago was great fun, and though the girl wasn't as sexy as I first thought, she was really nice and I enjoyed getting to know her.

I've had several posts get stuck in moderation. Is there a secret to getting them released?

 

[gameboy]

Again, I feel glad and honored to have inspired you!

As for posts getting stuck, I recommend contacting one of the mods. Never happened to me.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Date with a 40-something-year-old red-haired cutie went extremely well. Met at brew pub where I know it's usually quiet and conducive to conversation. She was petite - more than a foot shorter. Very pretty eyes, tight little figure, sparkly and fun.

I gave her extended eye contact (will post up soon about a time it backfired on me - or did it?), held her hand several times for various pretexts, got lots of IOIs (pushing her lovely boobs at me), ran the Cube on her (she ate it up) and offered her own version (I've forgotten it already, should have made notes, it was pretty fun), and generally had a good time.

About 20 minutes in I felt like it was on. I leaned in for a kiss, then another. Said, "I just wanted to get that out of the way." She said, "I love confident men." Got her talking and learned a lot about her. Very likeable. Some tragedy, lots of positivity as well.

We walked around the charming downtown, occasionally stopping to make out. We parted with a session of heavy petting and groping. Looking forward to our next meet-up. It was basically fool's mate from the jump.

What I did right: Sexy eye contact, directing the conversation in positive directions, touching, compliance, eliciting values.

What I did wrong: Not much, maybe could have sexualized conversation more. She seemed to steer it in that direction, but I got a little flustered. I've always been a bit bashful. Big one - I could have pushed to get her back to hers or my place. It was definitely on. My big sticking point is always paying for meals - I am hard-conditioned that it's the man's role.

Strange coincidence: She dated a friend of mine for a year-and-a-half. Not sure what to make of that. Also, a major celebrity has or maybe had been pursuing her. She showed me texts - it was good to see a big star with supplicating and rather embarrassing texts. My game, for all its holes and flaws, is way tighter than his. But of course with fame, you don't need game.

Limerance Obsession Update:
Tried to arrange a hike, she was unavailable the whole weekend. And it ended up raining in any event. It's become absurd - that's like six or seven times now. Also, a friend asked about whether she might be available for a job (she's a highly qualified and well-regarded expert in her field) but she said she's too busy, blah blah .... thanks for thinking of me, blah blah.

I didn't get a good feeling from our past couple of interactions. I thought after last week's deeply engaging conversation that maybe she was considering re-thinking her dumping me. Now I think my best strategy is to back away entirely, leave it up to her to re-engage. It's not like I don't have options.

Any thoughts?

 

[gameboy]

Are you saying that's 6 or 7 times you tried to arrange a meeting, and she wasn't available? That's way too much in my opinion. I wouldn't do more than 2, maybe 3, before leaving the ball in her court.

Just stay repsonsive to her texts in case she initiates a meetup herself and makes herself available, but otherwise, be busy.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

We got rained out the other times. This was the first time she was unavailable. She has always been responsive to texts. But yes, I agree. The ball is in her court now. Thank you my friend.

 

[ZenRising]

I didn't get a good feeling from our past couple of interactions. I thought after last week's deeply engaging conversation that maybe she was considering re-thinking her dumping me. Now I think my best strategy is to back away entirely, leave it up to her to re-engage. It's not like I don't have options.

Any thoughts?

Oh, I feel you on this... I've repeatedly caught myself thinking up rationalisations for why the object of my own limerance/fixation situation wasn't responding with the enthusiasm I might have hoped for... rationalisations to avoid confronting and accepting the fact she just didn't feel it as much as I did... not saying this is your case, necessarily... but I know it's damn hard to let go when I meet someone I'm really impressed by, as it doesn't happen very often (in fact, it almost never happens)

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
There's a twist. My ex-ex (five years together, on and off, more than a decade ago) and I got together last night. The sex is consistently amazing.

She is objectively one of a handful of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. A tall ginger with green eyes, a glorious mane of red hair and the most exquisite figure. She ruined it for me for years afterwards, even as I left her for a much higher-quality relationship. It made it hard for me to find other women as alluring and attractive. Something about her hips - curvy and swervy in all right proportions. And that spectacular ass!

She's only two years younger than me, but hot damn, she's holding up just fine! She cut her hair short and has aged since I fell in love with her, so I know part of my attraction is that I remember her at her most beautiful.

I'm not sure how long it will last this time. Our most recent reconciliation (about two dozen times at least during the past 17 years) was about a month ago and it lasted a week. But damn it did help soothe me from obsessing so much about the object of my limerence.

I'm in a quandary about the other, petite, redhead from Thursday who seemed really into me. I feel like I want to keep her on hold while I sort out this ex-ex situation. We bantered via text yesterday, but I didn't make plans to get together, knowing I was cooking dinner for the ex-ex.

I'm thinking I might send the petite redhead a text like "I really (REALLY) like you, but there's some lingering business I need to sort out. Let's keep in touch." Then keep pinging her once a week or so.

Advice?

I really don't think this reconciliation will be any different than the rest, this girl could very well be a diagnosable BPD (I feel for @Karea Ricardus - it can happen to the best of us.) There's a steady pattern of her being over-the-top loving and then picking a fight over something stupid, then storming off.

I also feel like a shitheel for hedging my bets.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Oh, I feel you on this... I've repeatedly caught myself thinking up rationalisations for why the object of my own limerance/fixation situation wasn't responding with the enthusiasm I might have hoped for... rationalisations to avoid confronting and accepting the fact she just didn't feel it as much as I did... not saying this is your case, necessarily... but I know it's damn hard to let go when I meet someone I'm really impressed by, as it doesn't happen very often (in fact, it almost never happens)

Thanks my friend. I do believe I'm more into her than she into me. All evidence suggests it's so. Not sure why I can't acknowledge that and let it go.

I feel like I gave the seduction my best effort; she seemed really into me, the one time we had sex it was lovely (I don't think for all her moaning that she actually had an orgasm - that's not uncommon the first time and I am a talented, generous and enthusiastic lover). It was more that the pillow talk after was such an amazing communion of souls.

I keep having these endless imaginary conversations with myself and her in which I somehow figure out the magic words to make her fall in love with me. It's like I'm rehearsing for a role. I feel like I need to bitch-slap myself. I've got two very sexy ladies on the hook, why am I wasting my executive function on this girl? She's not really hotter - more or less all three are about the same level of attractiveness.

I start therapy tomorrow, I feel like that'll help. It's been a burden. My friends don't want to hear more sob stories from me - plus I think they might be jealous that I'm getting action.

That's why I feel grateful to have found this place. You boys understand. @ZenRising you are a fine writer. Concrete nouns and action verbs, baby!

 

[Chase]

@Casanova Newhouse,

The ex-ex sounds like a heck of a woman.

She's only two years younger than me, but hot damn, she's holding up just fine! She cut her hair short and has aged since I fell in love with her, so I know part of my attraction is that I remember her at her most beautiful.

It's an interesting effect, eh?

Now that I'm at an age where some girls from my past are visibly aged, it's very obvious: if it's a gal I remember from her youth, provided she's still in good shape, taking care of herself, smiling and happy, etc., she can still be as beautiful as ever.

But any other woman of the same age, even if in-shape and smiling, just seems old.

I'm thinking I might send the petite redhead a text like "I really (REALLY) like you, but there's some lingering business I need to sort out. Let's keep in touch." Then keep pinging her once a week or so.

Advice?

I really don't think this reconciliation will be any different than the rest, this girl could very well be a diagnosable BPD (I feel for @Karea Ricardus - it can happen to the best of us.) There's a steady pattern of her being over-the-top loving and then picking a fight over something stupid, then storming off.

I also feel like a shitheel for hedging my bets.

Are you in an exclusive relationship with the ex-ex now?

Does the petite redhead expect that you are exclusive to her?

One or two hookups does not a steady partnership make, at least not in my book. Probably(?) not in either of these gals' books, either, I'd reckon.

Guess you need to decide yourself. But if neither of these gals thinks you are her steady, exclusive boyfriend yet, it seems like you are in the clear for continuing to spend time with both, until such time as conditions change.

Chase

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

@Casanova Newhouse,

The ex-ex sounds like a heck of a woman.



It's an interesting effect, eh?

Now that I'm at an age where some girls from my past are visibly aged, it's very obvious: if it's a gal I remember from her youth, provided she's still in good shape, taking care of herself, smiling and happy, etc., she can still be as beautiful as ever.

But any other woman of the same age, even if in-shape and smiling, just seems old.



Are you in an exclusive relationship with the ex-ex now?

Does the petite redhead expect that you are exclusive to her?

One or two hookups does not a steady partnership make, at least not in my book. Probably(?) not in either of these gals' books, either, I'd reckon.

Guess you need to decide yourself. But if neither of these gals thinks you are her steady, exclusive boyfriend yet, it seems like you are in the clear for continuing to spend time with both, until such time as conditions change.

Chase

I'm honored that you have offered your estimable opinion Chase!

There’s been no promises of exclusivity but the ex-ex would probably flip out if she knew I was seeing someone else. We have a lot of history.

 

[gameboy]

There’s been no promises of exclusivity but the ex-ex would probably flip out if she knew I was seeing someone else. We have a lot of history.

Well... does she have to know?

Also, she's your ex for a reason, right?

I mean, I've had sex with exes and it can be real fun. But once you're broken up, I wouldn't treat it as anything serious. Unless you both consciously and actively agree to be exclusive again.

I really like Chase's advice to not treat a hookup like a steady partnership. I wish I had known (and heeded) it when I got together with my own ex-ex (let's call her HBIsland). I was banging another girl at the time, but once I hooked up with HBIsland I fell in love and dropped the other girl without even having talked about exclusivity with this new girl.

I probably would have had a much better frame with HBIsland if I had taken things a bit slower. To this day, she is the ex-girlfriend that I have the fondest memories of. But ultimately I ended up having a weak frame in that relationship, which led to her giving me lots of drama perdiodically and eventually me ending it. Otherwise, who knows... she might even be the mother of my kids today.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Repost from last week - it got stuck in moderation:

Been a rough couple of days. Business has been tough. Stupid time-sucking tasks that leave me frustrated and depressed. Broke. What's the point? Still obsessed about this girl — have to exert myself to not look up her social media or her website, etc.

As I mentioned, she's made a few comments on posts that tagged me. Doing my darnedest not to engage with those posts like the thirsty little bitch that I am. Having endless conversations with her in my mind, trying out lines, imagining how we might get together next as she keeps saying we should, etc. It sucks hard. I feel like a lovelorn teenager waiting by the phone.

It's been a good 15 years since I felt this way and it's just as bad. Well, maybe not quite as bad as then, if I'm being honest, but I ended up with that gal for a five-year tumultuous relationship. Saw that old love today, as I do several times a week (it's a small town, be careful not to shit where you eat) and she gave me a withering glance. Which means she still has feelings for me. But I just can't put either of us through that again. (Unless I hit a dry spell as I did a month ago, reconciliation attempt #37 which ended predictably badly).

So I want/need to celebrate a recent success in the field. A week ago I cold-approached a very tall woman at the supermarket. She had a great figure and an OK face. I steered my cart in and around her before mustering up the courage to approach. "Wow how tall are you?" So clever. But she engaged, we went back-to-back, got in some early touching and steering her around. I'm still a good three inches taller. Went for the number close by basically holding out my phone. I could tell she was thrilled to be approached.

She put in her number, let's call her Anna Alaska because that's where she was from. In town visiting her sister. Nice. I gave her mine. "What's your name?" she asked. "Call me (my first name) That Hot Guy." Laughed. Good. Her face wasn't doing it for me, but that booty was. Butterface special. Half an hour later she called. "Sorry, butt dial." Sure babydoll, you can butt dial me with that fancy fanny all day long.

We made a plan to hang out on the weekend - I felt like everything was lining up. Then I felt hesitation. Because Anna (not her real name) wasn't that hot? Who cares? Never used to bother me in the past. I blame this damn limerence situation. We did get together the next night at the local honky tonk with her sister and brother in law, played pool, tried to let her win but she was worse than me (hard to believe), listened to live music, having good conversation. A little deep diving, no cold reads. No stirring in the loins. In days of old, I'd have been all over it. A nice ass - which she definitely had - was all I needed.

I could tell she was waiting for me to ask her back to my place, hoping to have a sexy story to pleasure herself with back home. I didn't. Ejected after the band finished. Great music, so nice to get out and listen to live music again. She texted a few times, trying to get me back out, I was polite but noncommittal.

Still, I got myself out there, met a decently attractive women many men would have been thrilled to get with.

In the past month, I've had three women from months (one more than a year since last contact) ago ping me out of the blue. Two were quite attractive, one I had laid. One I would have felt was out of my league at one time in my life. Just wasn't feeling it. I should feel flattered that I had made a mark, but all I could do was wallow in misery about the one who got away.

Got three numbers from online yesterday and today - had a great conversation with one last night that went on for nearly an hour. She was English and had one of the sexiest voices I've heard in a while. Great photos, too. We made plans to get together weekend after next (we'll both be traveling this coming weekend). Not ideal distance-wise, but we'll see.

Another text exchange led to a possible rendezvous end of the month. Distance again a factor, but for one weekend for someone with such gorgeous photos, it'll be worth it.

Since the breakfast date with the surprisingly attractive woman with the terrible online pics who ghosted me, my confidence has been shot. Today didn't help. Got discouraging feedback on a creative side project. Failed to make two easy approaches, just feeling melancholy. The afternoon date from Saturday texted me today, three days later, saying she had fun and wanted to hang out again. Told her she was awesome but I wasn't feeling the spark. Made me feel worse to reject her. But, hey man hands.

State of Mind: Low energy, depressed, feeling overwhelmed with the futility of it all. Starting to feel my age. Feeling lonely and out of sorts.

Plan of Action: Work on fundamentals. Style, posture, facial expressions, get a new wardrobe. Better sleep. Get therapy to deal with limerence. Make friendly, low-key approaches, both men and women, entirely independent of outcome, just become a charming, gregarious fellow, see if my luck changes.

Upside: My physical condition is near peak for someone my age, got my gym routine locked in so I'm grateful for that. Business is looking up if I can hang on another couple of weeks.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Another Repost from Last Week that Got Stuck in Mod:

Updates:
One failed approach this morning, one successful. Still early in the day, hope to add more.
Walked by lovely blonde sitting outside cafe. Couldn't get a word out, didn't even slow down, didn't even try to make eye contact. Felt like shit.

Walking behind a gorgeous brunette with an incredible ass. God I love yoga pants. Walked past her, turned around at my normal stopping point, she was still walking along. I gave her the policeman stop. "I've just got to tell you, you've got the most magnificent head of hair I've seen in a long time." Her eyes lit up. "Wow thank you!" That was it. And it was sincere - that wavy-to-curly gorgeous mane of hair was truly a wonder to behold. Way too young though. It's hard for me to tell, but I couldn't even guarantee she was legal.

Reflecting on my current obsession. I've got it bad. But I remembered a limerance problem even worse nearly 25 years ago, a few months after my first divorce. Was a 36-year-old fitness model introduced to me by a mutual friend (her professor). We seemed to hit it off, but the 2.5 hour distance really made it difficult. I only got together with her twice, both on her turf, had one sweet but quick (nothing French about it) kiss. We talked a lot on the phone. It seemed like it was going to happen the next time we got together. She was planning on coming up for the weekend (I lived in a beautiful area, but rugged and remote and virtually no eligible women whatsoever). She canceled for a legitimate reason, sick kid.

Next meetup was going to be on her turf again, as I concocted an excuse to travel through her area. She said no, she was busy that day. Then she proceeded to tell me she didn't think I was over my ex (I was) and that blah blah, she'd met someone in the meantime, blah blah. Crushed. Really sobbing hard for a woman I'd barely kissed? What the hell was wrong with me? I sent her a congratulatory note a few months later when she graduated college - she was eager to catch up, wondering why I'd ghosted her. "Let's get together, I'd love to take you to my favorite overlook." I was over the moon. We made a plan to get together next time I was in her area. As I finished my appointment and drove toward her area, I kept my phone by me, waiting for the call that never came. That was the longest and loneliest ride I've ever taken.

For years, I mean five years at least, I was obsessed with this fitness model. To make matters worse, she was the cover model for a fitness magazine in my gym. I should have thrown it out, not sure why I didn't. Every time I worked out for months and months, there she was, with that million dollar smile, and one billion dollar ass. Even after I laid at least a dozen other women, even after I got married again. Limerance is a real mental disorder.

Part of the problem is living in a small town. I've got massive social proof, but few prospects. My most recent relationship was, by far, my best yet, but the distance, even though it was barely a half-hour drive, took a toll. That's why this current obsession stings so much - to find a suitable companion is doubly difficult.

@Karea Ricardus D.'s journal inspired me to write mine. I took heart learning that this master seducer was not immune to the same pangs and longing for a broken relationship or failed romance. Thanks, brother, for reminding me we are all in it together.

 

[gameboy]

Interesting that you still have the limerance problem even though you seem to have lots of action with other girls.

For me, it has mostly been a problem when I was in scarcity. Thinking about some flame or ex obsessively.

When I find a new girl it usually gets better for me. Seems to be different in your case, if I understand you correctly?

 

[ZenRising]

At the risk of being repetitive, I so feel this as well...

I keep having these endless imaginary conversations with myself and her in which I somehow figure out the magic words to make her fall in love with me. It's like I'm rehearsing for a role. I feel like I need to bitch-slap myself. I've got two very sexy ladies on the hook, why am I wasting my executive function on this girl? She's not really hotter - more or less all three are about the same level of attractiveness.

I've been dating a great Italian woman the past few weeks... fit, hot, funny.. communciation seems good quality..... but.... 'S', the one who showed me the red card two months ago, just keeps coming back into my mind... and my tendency to drift into fantasy daydream conversations where I say just the perfectly pitched thing, with the wisdom she unknowingly yearned for, and she melts into my arms.... blah blah blah... I have to wake myself up and steer back to my reality...

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Interesting that you still have the limerance problem even though you seem to have lots of action with other girls.

For me, it has mostly been a problem when I was in scarcity. Thinking about some flame or ex obsessively.

When I find a new girl it usually gets better for me. Seems to be different in your case, if I understand you correctly.

The first few times it happened to me, I was in dire scarcity. In fact, I went two years without a wet pussy in sight after my first divorce (lack of availability in a rural town), when I fell into it with the fitness model. She was really hot, but not as beautiful as my ex-wife - a girl with a six-pack and biceps just doesn't do it for me. So yes, the limerance struggle with my ex-ex (redhead I've been hanging with recently) surprised me because I was pulling tail right and left.

It was just as bad in abundance as scarcity. Maybe worse, thinking that if I wasn't satisfied with these otherwise attractive women, what hope was/is there for me?

I had to force myself into relationship with my most recent ex to keep me from falling back into the dysfunctional relationship with the ex-ex, and sure enough, after six- eight-months I fell in love with her. As I've said, it was an ideal relationship for maybe nine of the ten years we were together.

So there is hope. I just have to find the right kind of girl. Thanks for sharing, and chronicling your situation. It's a compelling read.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

At the risk of being repetitive, I so feel this as well...



I've been dating a great Italian woman the past few weeks... fit, hot, funny.. communciation seems good quality..... but.... 'S', the one who showed me the red card two months ago, just keeps coming back into my mind... and my tendency to drift into fantasy daydream conversations where I say just the perfectly pitched thing, with the wisdom she unknowingly yearned for, and she melts into my arms.... blah blah blah... I have to wake myself up and steer back to my reality...

Wow I can feel that @ZenRising. I have these obsessive conversations in my head with the limerance girl - working over the words, the order, the emphasis, the gestures, the emotional tone, like it's a puzzle to be solved and she will one day realize it was me all along.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Updates:
Yesterday the goofy-looking (and acting) girl from Bumble with the banging body texted. Figured it was less than 25 percent I'd hear from her again. She is over her cold and wants to hang out. I'll set up something for early part of next week. I must have done a good job of hooking her attention with my solid online profile and during our one phone call and half dozen texts.

The weekend is booked, plus the ex-ex, the tall redhead, has priority on my time til I figure out what's going on with us. I'm not particularly optimistic, but still, when it comes to her and our complicated history. it's the triumph of hope over experience.

Still somewhat reluctant to set up a date with the petite redhead. I'm not sure why. She's a cutie and it seems like a sure thing. I've got to figure out if I'm going to get back together with the ex-ex. So far (anyway) she's been my No. 1 case of limerance, and I could scarcely believe that we ended up together (on and off) for five years, and then here we are, more than 15 years later, still doing this dance. Be careful what you wish for my friends.

Just minutes ago got an invite to a party at which the object of my obsession (the reason for this journal) will likely attend. I have not heard a word from her since she declined to hang out last week. But my thoughts about her are intrusive and non-stop. Ball's in her court, I'm not going to reach out until and unless she does first. Not feeling good about the likelihood of that happening.

If she shows up at the party with a dude, I'm thinking I'll take her aside and say "You poor thing! You must have terrible self-esteem! Abusive mom? Distant father?" All with an ironic nudge and wink, of course. I know, what good would come of that? A boyfriend destroyer? I figure there's probably some guy involved, but truthfully I have no idea. No clues on her social media. Which I've done a good job of staying away from, by the way.

At present, I've got two girls ready to roll (in the hay). Another four that seem solid for second dates. And two that I've been texting that seem down for a meetup. Three from in-person encounters, one from my social circle, the rest from online.

Aside: Met this adorable brunette through a mutual friend two months ago (not long after my limerance girl broke up with me) and we had a really lovely couple of encounters. Both in the same day! She seemed down to clown. But our schedules didn't sync up (she's got two kids at home and a very busy family business to run). So it tailed off. She texted last week out of the blue after a month of silence, "You want to hang out?" Yes, I replied, text me a couple times/dates that work for you and we'll make it happen. Nothing since. Oh well, I'm playing the numbers game.

With all this abundance, I should be happy, or at least content. But no, not me. I'm an obsessive motherfucker, and I don't like it. Truth is, the object of my limerance isn't all that great objectively, aside from being beautiful, funny and smart. A few red flags - never been married, and she made it a point to tell me she "doesn't do drama." So said every messy bitch and drama queen since the dawn of time.

Intellectually, I know this fixation isn't healthy and that I should feel like I dodged a bullet. But emotionally, I'm drained and devastated.

Plan of Action:
Be an outgoing, friendly, sexy man. Make approaches whenever possible, not to necessarily get into panties, but to be literally approachable. I'll take a page from @ZenRising and @gameboy and not stress about the outcomes. Just put in the work.

 

[ZenRising]

At present, I've got two girls ready to roll (in the hay). Another four that seem solid for second dates. And two that I've been texting that seem down for a meetup. Three from in-person encounters, one from my social circle, the rest from online.That's some glorious abundance indeed.... happy for you my friend... though I know the

Wow... this is some glorious abundance indeed... inspiring

 

[ZenRising]

Intellectually, I know this fixation isn't healthy and that I should feel like I dodged a bullet. But emotionally, I'm drained and devastated.

aaaand, yup... I've spent a lot of time with this though reality after 'S' kicked me to the curb a month or so back.. knowing on a rational level that she probably wasn't right for me anyway, but the yearning and hurt drive my mind to keep obsession, rationalising, fantasising...