Limerance Journal: Help Needed

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Made a delicious dinner for the ex-ex last night. Everything was going well until I made a remark about someone who is actively copying my business and trying to confuse people. Then she proceeded to rant for 20 minutes straight, telling me what a hypocrite I was/am and throwing every one of my character flaws in my face. She's not wrong, but I've heard it from her so much over the past 17 years that it's become tiresome. Yes I should know her well enough to not mention things that will trigger this all-too-predictable reaction.

Throughout this rant, I remained entirely un-reactive, which I know she hated. It was hard to do, and I was proud of myself. Let the waves crash around me, I am a rock.

Where I'm at in my life right now, I have to be very careful of my inputs. The barrage of negativity is still clouding my mind this morning and making it hard to get myself fired up. I've got to be fierce and confident to get through this current business situation and also while dealing with this limerance obsession. (No contact with her since last week; I am not going to reach out to her, ball's in her court).

Needless to say, I didn't get laid.

She tried to dial it back with some sweetness, which was incongruent by that stage. She said, "Should I leave?" I said yes. She texted this morning, apologizing. I replied, nothing to apologize for, but I've got to keep myself focused and positive and so we should keep our distance for the time being.

When this girl is "on," there's nothing near as lovely as her warmth and supportive adoration. It's the greatest and most powerful drug I've ever experienced. Then it takes a turn and here we go again. As I mentioned earlier, our reconciliation attempt last month lasted about a week. This one not even a week. A shame - without these BPD episodes, she's an absolute fantasy of a woman. There's good reasons why she's (almost, maybe, not entirely) the love of my life.

Time to gird my loins and get back to working my prospect list. Next up will be the petite redhead, and then the goofy face with the bangin' bod.

What I need to work on:
Thread-cutting and diverting these unproductive and negative rants. She's so tempestuous that I've never been able to successfully steer the conversation with her in a more positive direction. When I try, she sees right through it and that gives her anger more fuel. Yikes. I'm looking at it as practice. If I can handle her, I can handle anything life throws at me.

A big part of my job is talking to people and I'm very good with directing them into lines of conversation that are mutually satisfying. I try to keep to a 80-20 ratio (the famous Pareto Principle) with them doing the lion's share of talking. I want people to feel like they have been heard on a deep level so they leave every encounter feeling less alone.

I've also got to work on being outcome independent. That's why I am enjoying @ZenRising and @gameboy's journals. These guys are going about it in all the right ways. I get tripped up emotionally by any resistance or rejection. It's impossible for me not to take it personally. It bothers me that at my age, I don't have more equanimity. Oh well, life's a journey, not a destination.

 

[gameboy]

Hmm, not sure I'm going about it in the right ways lol... could probably approach a lot more. But one thing I know, I'm not settling for BPD ever again, I've had my fill of that.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
The well has apparently run dry, once again. The petite redhead who seemed so eager to hook up has ghosted me. Yesterday she seemed all multiple-exclamation-point excited about coming over tomorrow for dinner. Today she's ignored two texts trying to confirm. I will let that lie for the time being. Maybe a text next week just to check in.

Next up is the goofy-face with the bangin' body. I will text her in a bit to see if she's up for lunch Monday, get to clap eyes on each other for the first time. I don't have great hopes, but am prepared to be pleasantly surprised.

This fancy women who runs a luxury brand business texted today. She lives way up north from me, but is about two hours away this weekend visiting friends, and we made tentative plans to connect. I'm not feeling it. I am certainly not driving two hours if sex isn't guaranteed. And I did not sexualize the conversation enough to plant the seed. I texted back noncommital. We'll see how it goes. If I can establish ground rules that sex is on the table, I might make the trip.

No approaches today or yesterday. I missed a couple good opportunities today with very attractive women in the market, but after the meltdown Wednesday with my ex-ex my morale and enthusiasm has ebbed. Tomorrow is another day! I've got a couple of social engagements coming up that might bring some fresh opportunities.

What I need to work on:
Sexualizing conversations with my online quarry. Overcoming approach anxiety. Since I've had to assume more sales in my business, this has direct benefit to me. I also need to keep myself energized and avoid brooding. Need to keep working on distracting myself - every time I have an idle moment my thoughts automatically return to the object of limerance. It's like a comforting place in my imagination. I wish there was an easy fix - I forgot how much of my life has been obsessing about these women with whom I've had very little interaction. Not good.

 

[ZenRising]

but after the meltdown Wednesday with my ex-ex my morale and enthusiasm has ebbed. Tomorrow is another day!

I'm seeing things in a similar way... it's essential that I take action consistently, but there will be times when I'm just overwhelmed with work of some sort of upheaval destroys my motivation for a few days... trying to force thist stuff when I'm really not feeling it can be counterproductive I think... it should be fun!

 

[ZenRising]

Since I've had to assume more sales in my business, this has direct benefit to me.

Again... I sooo get this... having realised what a damn people pleaser/ validation addict I've been in all areas of my life, and particularly in my professional life, one of the biggest benefits of overcoming my approach fears, learning to be more dominant and self-assured, is how it feeds into other areas of my life.. the paradigm shift to being completely my own man is already transforming a lot of my workplace interactions

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

I'm seeing things in a similar way... it's essential that I take action consistently, but there will be times when I'm just overwhelmed with work of some sort of upheaval destroys my motivation for a few days... trying to force thist stuff when I'm really not feeling it can be counterproductive I think... it should be fun!

Yes it's an uphill climb. "The War of Art" by Steven Pressfield is a great book because it shows you that any worthwhile endeavor is 99 percent determination and 1 percent inspiration. If you wait around til the stars align shit just doesn't happen. While I know that in the abstract sense, applying it to my life is an entirely different matter.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Again... I sooo get this... having realised what a damn people pleaser/ validation addict I've been in all areas of my life, and particularly in my professional life, one of the biggest benefits of overcoming my approach fears, learning to be more dominant and self-assured, is how it feeds into other areas of my life.. the paradigm shift to being completely my own man is already transforming a lot of my workplace interactions

Well put! I'm attempting to apply that realization to my own professional life as well.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Another lonely weekend. I was planning on having over the petite redhead for dinner last night, and her for dessert. She never replied to two texts and so I let it go. Women are complicated. The weird fight earlier in the week with my ex-ex has drained my motivation. I know she will pick a fight at random and ruin my week, and yet I allowed it happen again, twice in a month! The pussy is great, though. But is it that great? Certainly not when she leaves me feeling like this.

She was once the most powerful and mind-fucked limerence object in my life. Now that I have another girl I'm obsessed with, it's easier to see through her personality issues. She is so very attractive though - those hips alone have me mesmerized. And the bright green eyes. OK, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. The crazy-hot matrix and all.

Tried to round up a crew to hit the bars Saturday night to check out the scene and listen to some live music. No one was having it though. My friends are lame. None of them have any game whatsoever. Well, maybe one has a little charm and chat. I'd love to have a reliable local wingman. I tried to talk myself into going out solo but wow, did my social anxiety kick in.

The goofy Latina with the banging bod did text back yesterday, and we're working on setting up a lunch date on Wednesday (haven't actually seen each other in person yet). Had some fun text exchanges.

Had a chance to approach in the grocery store this morning - a tall curly-haired brunette with a great ass. But she seemed to studiously avoid making eye contact and I couldn't muster up the courage to say anything. Really, the most attractive woman I've seen in a few days. Kicking myself.

I'm thinking about trying out an approach. "Hello, I just wanted to say you are the prettiest girl I've seen all day. I made it a New Year's resolution to call it out and today you are the one." I don't know, I don't trust my social skills at all. It would probably come off jarring and creepy. Or maybe not - I've got a steady, stoic energy, with a hint of wry mischief, that women seem find appealing.

At this point, it's not even about picking up women. It's about being more social, attuned and energetic.

I've had a few online conversations this weekend that are worthy of mention, but I'm tired now. Will check in again tomorrow.

 

[ZenRising]

Another lonely weekend.

I feel you on this.. it was raining here all weekend, and I had a friend cancel plans for saturday night.. wound up being pretty solitary weekend... it's all too easy for me to start getting down in that situation, but have to remind myself of the abundance and opportunity that is waiting on the other side...

I'm thinking about trying out an approach. "Hello, I just wanted to say you are the prettiest girl I've seen all day. I made it a New Year's resolution to call it out and today you are the one.

I think most women would love this compliment... I'm no expert, but personally I might be inclined to leave out the 'I made a NY resolution' bit, as that also communicates you're delivering this same line to a lot of women... just a thought... but otherwise I say go for it!

 

[gameboy]

I think most women would love this compliment... I'm no expert, but personally I might be inclined to leave out the 'I made a NY resolution' bit, as that also communicates you're delivering this same line to a lot of women... just a thought... but otherwise I say go for it!

I had the same thought reading this. Especiallly since it's already April, so you're implying you've been doing this for three whole months already
i'd just give her the compliment without any qualifier. (I know it's bold, and I haven't been able to do that yet myself... but sounds like it can be fun!)

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

I had the same thought reading this. Especiallly since it's already April, so you're implying you've been doing this for three whole months already
i'd just give her the compliment without any qualifier. (I know it's bold, and I haven't been able to do that yet myself... but sounds like it can be fun!)

No I just thought of that on the spot, but didn't pull the trigger. I agree that the New Year resolution makes it seem too contrived. I'll report back if and when I muster up the cojones.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Missed another approach opportunity today ... a stunning blonde with the kind of tight-jeaned booty that populates my dreams. Was going to try the "shopping opener" I've seen on here, but she left the store before I could get it together.

Another tough day business-wise. Not a total loss though. Made some progress financially, but still have daunting tasks ahead. Quickbooks is forcing everyone from desktop to online and it's FUBAR. Got to re-do transactions going back nearly a year and I have no idea if my A/R is accurate, and, as I own a cash-flow business, that's my lifeblood. Spent six hours at least with the help desk over the past two-three weeks and got very little help. They always try to shunt me to the sales department. Can you imagine essentially forcing your customers to pay for your mistakes?

Online leads have slowed to a crawl ... this area is too sparsely populated. You've got to drive 45 minutes to an hour before you come into a metro area. I'm thinking about working back through the phone numbers I've accumulated over the past year-and-a-half, especially those since January, when the object of my limerance told me it wasn't happening. That was when I made up my mind to get back online and become a numbers beast.

Still obsessed with this limerance girl, though. But I can't even picture what it'd be like to be in relationship with her. My life is a bit of a mess now. I've got to knuckle down for the next 5-6 months. I am determined to avoid getting a real job - I can't imagine going back to work for anyone at this stage in my life.

The pandemic was a motherfucker, with fundamental changes in the local economy that I have yet to figure out. It's a big reason why I broke up with my hot doctor ex. We made about the same money before the pandemic (her salary anyway) but her investments went into the stratosphere and my business tanked. I mean she divorced very well so she had millions to begin with. I felt like she lost respect for me, and made a big life decision without figuring out how it might affect me. It was my decision to break up, hers to reconcile, mine to finally call it after six months of realizing nothing had changed. She's got tons of money but I came from nothing and built something that has done well for me these past two decades. Something fun and creative, that provides me with ample social proof and not a little bit of glamour.

I met the hot doc online a mere 18 days after breaking up the volatile ex-ex, and I really rushed into the relationship to keep from falling back into the breakup-makeup pattern again. And here I am still messing with the ex-ex. Do I never learn?

It's now been 18 months and I haven't had a relationship that has gone beyond a couple of weeks. I have met only three women out of perhaps 30+ that I've dated that even approached my ex in hotness. I figured since it only took me a couple weeks to find her, that I'd be swimming in 'gina juice in no time.

Plan of Action:
Things have changed online. I haven't cracked the code yet. I get lots of matches but struggle converting those to actual meetups. I need to come up with a systemic plan for online, from first message to getting them out. And I want to shift more to IRL. My best three prospects (including limerance girl) I met in real life (social circles) anyway. And start approaching more IRL, also with a step-by-step plan for everything from openers to guaranteed sex magic.

 

[ZenRising]

Another tough day business-wise. Not a total loss though. Made some progress financially, but still have daunting tasks ahead. Quickbooks is forcing everyone from desktop to online and it's FUBAR.

ugh... sounds stressful indeed... I'm in the process of trying to build a business alongside the consulting work that is my mainstay... getting to grips with all the tax, payroll, compliance, reporting shit is daunting indeed... but like you I want my economic independence...

 

[ZenRising]

I feel you on this too...

I have met only three women out of perhaps 30+ that I've dated that even approached my ex in hotness. I figured since it only took me a couple weeks to find her, that I'd be swimming in 'gina juice in no time.

My LTR, who I broke up with nearly three years ago now, was mesmerisingly beautiful... I don't want her back, but jeez I didn't think it would take so long or be nearly so challenging to find a sane, interesting woman who was her equal in physicality... I mean, I also don't want to sound like I'm whining 'woe is me, I can't find the perfect supermodel'.. I don't need a woman to be perfect... but it would be disingenuous to pretend that level of beauty is not something I yearn for again

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

I'm with you friend. Once you're with a stunning woman, your expectations get set unreasonably high.

My (very short time) girlfriend when I lived in England was objectively one of the most beautiful human beings I've ever seen. It took YEARS for me to find anyone even approximating her attractiveness. Meanwhile, I let plenty of perfectly lovely women who would have been much better matches slip through my fingers, because I couldn't get worked up about them. Not fair to them, not fair to me. Messed up.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

ugh... sounds stressful indeed... I'm in the process of trying to build a business alongside the consulting work that is my mainstay... getting to grips with all the tax, payroll, compliance, reporting shit is daunting indeed... but like you I want my economic independence...

As someone who went through all of this 15 years ago, I look back on all it as being monkey work. Requires no insight, talents or intelligence beyond determination. Chunk it down one little bite at a time. Do not let so-called "professionals" take your money to do it for you. I've seen peers pay thousands of dollars and get blatantly ripped off.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Another day, another set of disappointments. Missed a solid approach at a grocery store, a very classy dame with great hair and what appeared to be a tight body. Maybe a little on the older side (like almost my age) but with great bone structure in her face. I felt like she gave me an IOI but I was too inside my head to notice it and say something. Then I was in the checkout line and it was too late. I need to stop being such a bitch boy.

On the upside, been forcing myself to smile and say "Hi" when walking around. It gets a good reaction at least 4 out of 5 times. It's just when it's an attractive woman I start second-guessing myself. I've rarely been able to make approaches without seeming out of sync or even a little creepy.

Years ago, there was a very cute brunette with a great little body who always gave me a lingering eye contact and a big smile. One day while waiting for someone to show up for dinner I saw her sitting at the bar alone. Nice. I forced myself to approach. Since we'd been eye-flirting for months, I figured it'd be easy.

I went direct, said something to the effect, "I find you very attractive and I might be mistaken, but I think you might feel the same. Why don't you give me your number and we can meet up for a drink." Not too bad, pretty straightforward. But my voice was shaking with nervousness and my body language was all tensed up.

She got up and walked out of the bar without a word. Whenever I saw her again, maybe twice, I think she must moved (hopefully not to avoid me), she'd walk past with head down, no eye contact. What-in-the-hell ...

Whenever I get down on myself that's the shit I remember.

Plan of Action:
Design mental exercises to bring myself into a positive state of flow. Make an effort to remember those seamless seductions, those soul-merging moments with beautiful women that have been plentiful in my life. And just gadamned do it!

 

[ZenRising]

She got up and walked out of the bar without a word. Whenever I saw her again, maybe twice, I think she must moved (hopefully not to avoid me), she'd walk past with head down, no eye contact. What-in-the-hell ...

Ouch.. though there's every chance you read the IOIs etc correctly... sometimes people just want to flirt with the idea of contact, but the moment something could become real they freak...

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

I'd never considered that. It's not implausible. Thanks.

I remember when I was 17, and couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fist full of fifties, this girl I liked, that I finally sacked up to ask out, told me "I know all you want from me is sex." She still proceeded to give it to me, but told me later that she felt I was out of her league. WT(actual)F? I figured it was the other way around.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Business has me down, no nightgaming this weekend, as broke as I've been in years. I owe a lot of money, but clients owe me a lot more. These cash-flow crunches come up frequently, but I've too distracted to stay on top of collections (switching Quickbooks from desktop to online has been murder!) I have no confidence that my accounts receivable is accurate, and it's embarrassing to ask them to pay up, and have them show me where they already have, and then find misposted payments all over the place! A nightmare. (DM me if you're experiencing or about to experience the same thing - Intuit is forcing people off desktop. I can give you the benefit of my horrible experience).

Long-term things look pretty good actually, but the short-term is brutal. I am struggling to motivate myself, and spend way too much time daydreaming about limerance girl.

Speaking of which, we texted yesterday, after 10 days or so with no interaction. It was me, of course, reaching out to her, as it is 80 percent of the time, but she responded within minutes and we had a fun, flirty exchange. We've been trying to schedule a hike since our lovely two-hour deep dive session two weeks ago, and once again, it's not happening. She's out of town this weekend.

I've got a big public speaking event coming up next weekend, a culmination of a class I've been taking with a top-notch teacher. I sent out invitations to 50+ people, including limerance girl. My friends seem excited to attend. I have this fantasy that limerance girl will attend and she will see me with all my other lady friends and it will trigger her jealousy/attraction. There'll be a couple of exes, and a few possible prospects. She said she would try to attend (unprompted, I didn't even mention it, she's on a group list that got the invitation), but I'm not holding my breath. I will still try to stay on her radar, even so. Who knows with women? They change their mind all the time.

I keep thinking about the seduction. One of my best, it felt like the stars aligned. We met incidentally a year ago (I barely remember meeting her, she does remember meeting me), and then she reached out to me about her interest in something in which I am involved, we had coffee, chatted by phone and text for a few weeks. I was helping her out, made some introductions, invited her twice to a service club in which I am a prominent member. All this was end of the year, early to mid-January.

I asked her out for a drink after one of those meetings, ostensibly to talk about the shared interest. But I was already pursuing, albeit low-key and indirect. I ran the Cube (I enjoy playing with it, and I love how many girls have other personality tests they love to share as well). I mentioned at one point that she had an interesting nose, she said "Are you flirting with me?" I said, "No, I was just making an observation. If I were flirting, I'd say something like 'You have such pretty eyes ... are you sure they go with the rest of your face?'" She spit her drink out through her nose laughing.

We finished up our drinks, she grabbed the bill unbidden. Thanking me for the local advice and insight, she said. We went for a walk around our lovely little town. It was a clear, cold night. We sat on a bench in the park where the Christmas lights were still up (it's a local joke that they put them up in August and take them down in July). I went for the kiss pretty much straight away. She leaned in, then pulled back just before contact. Oh well, I thought, you miss every shot you don't take. Then she was said, "Come here." I came in very gently, savoring the softness of her lips and the moment.

Quickly we escalated, and were soon all over each other. I told her she was good kisser, she said, "I get that a lot." Haha another player! I picked her up at one point when she was on my lap, and gently, but with dominance, turned her around so I was on top, letting her know that I was a big, strong man - half gentleman, half lusty brute.

I said "Let's go to my house and have a drink, it's right on your way anyway." My house is very clean and elegant (my rich ex really took it on as her project). We barely even had a sip before we got back to it. I took her on the proverbial tour of the house, and we ended up on the bed. She said, "I could see sleeping with you in six months." I guess she was trying me on as boyfriend material.

She said, "We're not having sex." I said, "No sex, don't even think about sex, no sex!" She was laughing - and turned on. Sure girl, just try not thinking about sex. I am a big believer in the old school concept of agree-and-amplify. It is an effective buster of last-minute resistance.

After a few attempts to get her jeans off, then her panties, she eventually relented and I gave her what I've been repeatedly told is excellent oral sex - soft and teasing, skillful and G-spot stimulating, back and forth. She stopped me a few times, just as she was about to have an orgasm. I backed off, then gradually escalated again. Goodness gracious god almighty, girls are delicious! Especially this one - a clean neutral taste with just a hint of bubblegum.

Eventually, after at least two hours of heavy petting like a couple of horny teenagers, it was me who wrapped it up (no, not my penis with a condom). I felt as if I could have pushed through, but I didn't want to make her feel too pressured and have regrets. Probably foolish of me, as it turned out.

She was traveling the next week, and we texted daily, teasing each other with the six-months deadline.

She was keen to get together for dinner (I am a serious chef - I highly recommend it as an excellent tool for the seduction arsenal). That time we hardly touched our (sophisticated and delicious) food, though I felt she was more impressed than she expected to be with all the oohing and aahing.

We soon got back into the bed, repeat of the first occasion. She finally sighed and said, "Get a condom." So I did. I told her "You are so beautiful! Now get that pussy over here where I can get to it!" Then grabbed her under her hips and moved her into position as if she weighed nothing. She seemed to love it. I treated her like a fuck doll, pulling and pushing her into positions, she was extremely compliant, and wet, wet, wet. I had a couple softenings due to performance anxiety (lifelong problem on the first fuck, always too much in my head. In fact, the problem is proportional to how much I like the girl) but my erection always came surging back.

She seemed very loving and tender afterwards, we made vague plans to get together for a hike that weekend. (A hike that as yet, like 10 weeks later, still has not happened.) She joked a lot in her texts for not being able to keep to her six-month-plan. I told her not to be hard on herself, I am such a sexy motherfucker after all.

It rained the day of the hike, that's when we had the lunch where she told me she wasn't available to hang out that night. And I put it on the table, "It's not happening is it?" "No, it's not, blah blah, you are very sexy but the age thing, blah blah, I'm afraid things are moving too fast and I'm not in the space for this right now, blah blah, etc etc." Shit A God Damn! I wish to hell and back I'd never have said the thing out loud, and just backed away and re-engaged later.

The rest of the day, actually up to the present day, I felt-feel raw and vulnerable. Would I ever find a girl that I felt so attracted to again? I'd been dating for almost 18 months since the breakup and she was only the second woman I could have imagined getting into a relationship with. I'd had sex with six women in that time (two of whom broke up with me) and yet none of them made me feel so vulnerable. I've had sex with two since, including my ex-ex, who when were on-again, off-again for years was the worst case of limerance I've had by far.

So here I am again. Trying to figure it out. Thanks for indulging me.