Limerance Journal: Help Needed

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Met up with online match for lunch today. Turns out she doesn't live in my hometown, the app allowed her to change her hometown as she had issues with a stalker. She's a good 45 minutes away so we met up halfway.

She appeared older than her stated age, which is a decade younger than me. I found no clues of her real age from her kids' ages, when she went to college, etc. Hmm. Not atrociously older, but not nearly as fresh-faced as I've seen some her age. Her body was sexy enough that I'd definitely get after it in the right circumstances. She was overall on the right side of the cutie spectrum.

The same conversational issues and lack of rapport as during our phone conversation came up. I just couldn't connect. I didn't even bust out the Cube.

She kept up a steady flow of chatter in any event. Nice girl, seemed to have her life mostly in order. Good job, lots of family, good values. She had some funny dating stories, more than just the basic biography you get on any date. I liked her. Just wasn't getting all tingly in my naughty bits.

As we were getting the bill, I straight out told her there'd be no second date. It seemed to shock her. "Can you tell me why?" I told her the distance thing was my main hesitation. Then she asked if she looked like her photos. Yes. Did she seem to check out in person with what she presented in her profile. Yes I said. Truth is I don't pay much attention to profiles. I wasn't going to give her honest feedback in any case, that she was older-looking than I expected, that I found her conversation and churchiness put me off. Honesty is over-rated when it comes to people's feelings.

She said she would have loved a second date, which surprised me. She said I was handsome, funny and very, very interesting. I felt bad for her at that moment. I really couldn't read the situation at all - I felt if I was feeling disconnected so must she. It makes me wonder, yet again, what else am I misreading?

She said "if you ever change your mind, keep my number." OK, I will. Who knows? She had that sway to her hips and she teaches several exercise classes, and it showed in her nicely rounded derriere. My reluctance to pursue had to do with her face having some miles on it, and the conversation lacked sizzle. At least on my end. And distance.

Lessons:
I hardly spoke at all - almost all questions from me, only bare polite answers in return. I did make a few comments and jokes here and there, but I was deliberately trying on the one-sidedness to see how she reacted. She found me fascinating, apparently. She brought it up twice. It reminded me of the story that Lady Churchill (Winnie's ma) told about being seated next to Prime Minister Gladstone at a dinner. "I left feeling like he was the most interesting man in the world. Then I sat next to Benjamin Disraeli when he was PM. I left feeling like I was the interesting person in the world."

Other lessons were that it was fun getting to know her, to try out this quiet approach, to actually split the bill rather than act like the big old-fashioned provider man and grab the check.

Limerance Girl:
After a proper and well-deserved bitch-slapping over on the General board from @topcat and @Marcellus, I'm fading back hard on her. No contact. She'll be gone for a few weeks soon in any event. I'm actually relieved in a way. It will free up bandwidth for cold approaches, social circle game and more.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Updates:
Nothing much happening these past couple days. I am practicing a few things and noting results. As I go about my business, I'm saying Hi with a friendly head nod to everyone. It gets a good response 85-90 percent of the time. The other 10-15 percent I'll bet it feels awkward for the other party. I've also been complimenting the ladies on their style where I can. I told an older gal with a curly mop that "your hair is awesome!" She lit up! It felt good for me, I can only imagine how it felt for her.

It reminded me that last summer I was having a rough day at work, and as I was heading for my car, these two girls walked by and the one girl said, "You're gorgeous!" She was nothing to look at, otherwise I'd of asked for her number. But it gave me a much-needed boost of confidence. I said, "You officially made my day." In truth, it made my week or even month.

Last night me and the boys were joined at pub quiz by a girl who was a friend of one of our crew. She's pretty but a pretty hot mess. I can't get into all of it, but my instincts are telling me to be careful. In my vulnerable, limerance-wounded state, though, she is looking like a viable option. I asked my buddy if he was interested, he told me no way, she's a mental case. Oh well, I did have fun flirting with her, though. I need the practice. She definitely gives signs of being interested, the age difference is significant but not a deal breaker. However, my confidence in my ability to read social signals is very low right now. Thanks limerance girl!

I've been keeping a low-key attitude and practicing active listening. I'll tell jokes and stories but I'm mindful of length, using them to elicit information and encourage others to tell their stories. I often feel bored in conversation because other people take so long to get to the point, or lose the thread of what they're saying, but lately I've actively been guiding them through their own stories and it really helps everyone stay engaged. Why am I just now figuring this out? I've been hearing about the power of active listening for decades.

An earlier post I complained that my friends were lame. While true when it comes to gaming women, it's uncharitable. They are actually smart, solid and caring. They've got my back, and I theirs.

This tall, fancy blonde from an online app pinged me yesterday, after about a month of no contact. I'd forgotten all about her. We exchanged numbers, bantered a bit by text, and plan to talk soon. I'll push for a meetup. Distance isn't great - but it's the same as my most recent relationship. She looks pretty damn gorgeous if her photos are true, and I have developed the ability to see through the filters and poses. I'll keep you posted.

Limerance Girl:
Not going to reach out. It's entirely in her court now. I think this is where it ends for practical and wish-casting purposes. I did take a look back through recent texts and realize I was texting much more than her - 60-40 percent probably, maybe 65-35. Not good. In fact, I misread a few signals that I thought indicated interest and were actually pretty neutral.

Still, I can't stop thinking about her, what I'll say to her next time I see her, wondering how she didn't realize how amazing I was, etc. ad nauseum. I think most of us have been there. I am not going to beat myself up over it, but going to take advice from those well-meaning souls who offered advice on the General board and keep busy meeting other women.

 

[ZenRising]

I did it. Forced myself to go out solo.

Well done my man. This is on my 'to-do' list for this weekend... need to start getting out in the evenings.. I mean I get out to see friends, sure, but that generally just involves dinner or something andn then I head home... social insecurity would block me from going out solo, but I know it's the best way to go our focussed and make a bunch of approaches... so you've inspired me to get on the case!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Nothing much. Busy at work. To keep up the discipline, I'm going to use this space to maybe revisit earlier triumphs & disasters. Family visiting this weekend. I'll have an excuse to get out, bust some game on the hired guns. Will report back.

Sometimes girls will surprise. The relationship with the ex-ex was tumultuous (note: still is). We got involved not long after I separated from marriage two, which was a disaster (her words, not mine). I did not have the skills or the desire to sustain a marriage to an alcoholic. It really is a disease. I will not beat myself up about it. It is like being a bad swimmer trying to rescue a drowning woman; you won't save her, instead she'll take you down.

I was just learning the Game, having read Neil Strauss' excellent book and determined to get myself an upgrade. This was the days of the feather boa. I never peacocked, but I've been known to drop an artificial time constraint, set up a neg or two and do a back turn. It's where I learned The Cube. Shit works.

I was struggling to get meetups from the apps. Not too much different than today, but there were fewer profiles then. I can string together a compelling sentence or two and had good photos (a few of me shirtless holding fish - kind of satire but I love to fish so I had a few, and it was fun to see the reactions. It helps if you're in shape and look good without your shirt, but it's not a deal breaker by any means.

Tip: Whatever girls say they don't want, give them so much it becomes satire. Girls have much more finely tuned irony detectors than us men in all our earnestness. I can't deal with dumb girls, and this screens them out. Hard. I believe there's a correlation between a girl's hotness and her IQ. Selective mating. So I was getting interest from the pick of the litter. A couple of promising prospects, but then they'd ghost me or we couldn't coordinate schedules. It was two months before that all receded.

As soon as I put up my online profile, friends of my ex-wife printed out copies and pasted it all over town. This back in the mid-aughts, and I think they were trying to shame me. They only shamed my ex. Except for that, I can't thank them enough. I was inundated with calls of concern from local women, even friends of the ex, "Sorry to hear you're getting a divorce, you want to get a cup of coffee and talk about it?" Mostly women I already figured had a crush on me. A few surprises. Let's talk about one.

For years, I'd had a major crush on a tall redhead we'll call Big Red. She wasn't big, just curvy and tall. Actually tight and slim except for proportions. She had a perfect Sophia Loren-esque figure. And what kept my attention past those sea-green eyes was her waist-hip ratio. For me anyway, it's the stand-in for attraction. Can't deal with boy hips. She was built like a woman. And super smart, from a prominent family, and married. Yes.

I'd pine after her whenever I'd see her in public. My friend called her "the UW - Ultimate Woman" - smart and funny. She had the highest-wattage smile I'd ever seen. Perfect teeth and full lips. A gentle splash of freckles across the bridge of her nose. And boys, if you garner any piece of wisdom, it's this. Hips don't lie.

Big Red reached out to get a favor from me (I have a semi-public role and this is perfectly plausible), and I was already over the moon. An excuse to engage? I didn't even consider at the time that the timing was suspicious.

I'll post more later -- I need the writing practice and I haven't really processed the whole 18-year scenario in any detail. My therapist says to journal (when did that become a verb), I'm just choosing to do it in a place where feedback is encouraged.

 

[JT Sunshine]

I was just learning the Game, having read Neil Strauss' excellent book and determined to get myself an upgrade. This was the days of the feather boa. I never peacocked, but I've been known to drop an artificial time constraint, set up a neg or two and do a back turn. It's where I learned The Cube. Shit works.

Man has my week been almost the same as yours… yesterday I stumbled upon a couple of old LRs I wrote and apparently saved as word documents from back in 09. My overuse of PUA acronyms was cringey “Saw a three set of HB8s - opened over the shoulder then negged the target before locking in!” Twas a fun read.

It sure did work tho! I think we’ve evolved a bit since those days, but a lot of the principles hold strong.

Have fun with those hired guns this weekend!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Haha the cringiness was off the charts! But yes, can't argue against results.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Hanging with my son, which I don't get to do very often. He's got a busy career and so do I. But we get together at least 2-3 times a year, generally for shorter, 3-5 day visits.

It's interesting to watch his style. His game is entirely him being 6'5" and hard-muscled. He's a beautiful boy. The Oscar Wilde joke is that he got his father's smarts and his mother's good looks. "Good thing it wasn't the other way around." He's got charm and chat, but it basically boils down to waiting for an approach invitation and closing the deal with as few words as possible in-between. I admire him for it, but that doesn't work for a battered old war horse like myself.

Friday night we were both tired, him from travel, me from getting up early to pick him up at the airport. So we had a quiet dinner and drink at couple of hipster hotspots. The food was great, and it was so good to catch up, he's a fine young man. There was an event in town that brought in a lot of cuties, so lots of eye candy, but few openings for approaches. Still, a good warmup.

The bartender was ebullient and friendly. In fact, she was on the target list for awhile, but our first date never happened for reasons, and I did not persist. But she was looking good, if a little zaftig for my tastes, so I'll keep her on the back burner. I call it my "any port in a storm" list.

Two adorable young Asian girls were sitting next to us, but neither of us felt like opening, even for a fun conversation. It was odd. I felt about not opening, and my son had little interest. If I was sitting next to them, I would have said something. But because I had to reach across him, I held off. When they left, they both gave us friendly looks. A missed opportunity.

Saturday we had great fun doing what we do - gym, hike, cooking great food (we both love to cook), and resting up. We watched a film then hit up the local bar for live music and people watching. The music was awesome - our little town has more talented musicians per square foot than anywhere this side of the Julliard.

There was a mega-cutie at the bar, perfect little dark-haired beauty with gothically white skin and one tasteful tattoo on her shoulder blades. Such a great smile. Her friend appeared to have a great ass from what I could see of the spread on her bar stool, but I couldn't even see her face. Shoulda opened, but again, awkward positioning and the bar was so crowd and noisy. Almost immediately, I was opened by Trivia Girl from the other night. She was a little drunk but nice.

We got our drinks and sat outside on the patio. Trivia Girl joined us minutes later while the band took a break. She seemed definitely down to clown. She kept up a string of entertaining, if often disjointed, "drunk girl in the presence of two sexy guys" talk. And politely left when the band resumed.

I was expecting more people wandering through the streets on this lovely Saturday night, not just a trickle, but there were a few cuties.

One age-appropriate woman, very well-dressed with a fitted tartan blazer, tall, slim and stylish, came by and returned my smile. I have been told I've got a very sly, sexy smile and it appeared to work its magic on her. She made lingering eye contact as she passed by. I almost got up to follow her, but the way the patio was set up, by the time I got around the fencing to her, she'd already be in the parking lot and it would come off stalker-ish. I hope I run into her again.

All in all, despite the missed approaches, I had a great time bonding with my flesh-and-blood, flirting with couple of waitresses, eating good food and staying sober and watching people. It took my mind off my business challenges, loneliness due to limerance girl's rejection, and the ceaseless monkey chatter of my mind.

Limerance Girl:
It's been a week now with no contact. She's going to be gone for the next month, and it appears she's not going to reach out before leaving. I'm certainly not going to myself, despite a big part of me is telling myself, "Faint heart never won a fair lady." That I've got to fight through her resistance, to show up and remind her how awesome I am. So she can tell the story of our romance as me "chasing and chasing until I caught him." I've been initiating most contacts over the four months or so since our dance began, but I've never been a supplicating bitch and always kept I've kept it light and teasing. She always responded promptly and eagerly. So it's hard to maintain the no-contact rule. But I'm doing it.

Got a few text and phone calls to update you about later. One promising prospect.

 

[JT Sunshine]

Update:
Hanging with my son, which I don't get to do very often. He's got a busy career and so do I. But we get together at least 2-3 times a year, generally for shorter, 3-5 day visits.

It's interesting to watch his style. His game is entirely him being 6'5" and hard-muscled. He's a beautiful boy. The Oscar Wilde joke is that he got his father's smarts and his mother's good looks. "Good thing it wasn't the other way around." He's got charm and chat, but it basically boils down to waiting for an approach invitation and closing the deal with as few words as possible in-between. I admire him for it, but that doesn't work for a battered old war horse like myself.

Friday night we were both tired, him from travel, me from getting up early to pick him up at the airport. So we had a quiet dinner and drink at couple of hipster hotspots. The food was great, and it was so good to catch up, he's a fine young man. There was an event in town that brought in a lot of cuties, so lots of eye candy, but few openings for approaches. Still, a good warmup.

The bartender was ebullient and friendly. In fact, she was on the target list for awhile, but our first date never happened for reasons, and I did not persist. But she was looking good, if a little zaftig for my tastes, so I'll keep her on the back burner. I call it my "any port in a storm" list.

Two adorable young Asian girls were sitting next to us, but neither of us felt like opening, even for a fun conversation. It was odd. I felt about not opening, and my son had little interest. If I was sitting next to them, I would have said something. But because I had to reach across him, I held off. When they left, they both gave us friendly looks. A missed opportunity.

Saturday we had great fun doing what we do - gym, hike, cooking great food (we both love to cook), and resting up. We watched a film then hit up the local bar for live music and people watching. The music was awesome - our little town has more talented musicians per square foot than anywhere this side of the Julliard.

There was a mega-cutie at the bar, perfect little dark-haired beauty with gothically white skin and one tasteful tattoo on her shoulder blades. Such a great smile. Her friend appeared to have a great ass from what I could see of the spread on her bar stool, but I couldn't even see her face. Shoulda opened, but again, awkward positioning and the bar was so crowd and noisy. Almost immediately, I was opened by Trivia Girl from the other night. She was a little drunk but nice.

We got our drinks and sat outside on the patio. Trivia Girl joined us minutes later while the band took a break. She seemed definitely down to clown. She kept up a string of entertaining, if often disjointed, "drunk girl in the presence of two sexy guys" talk. And politely left when the band resumed.

I was expecting more people wandering through the streets on this lovely Saturday night, not just a trickle, but there were a few cuties.

One age-appropriate woman, very well-dressed with a fitted tartan blazer, tall, slim and stylish, came by and returned my smile. I have been told I've got a very sly, sexy smile and it appeared to work its magic on her. She made lingering eye contact as she passed by. I almost got up to follow her, but the way the patio was set up, by the time I got around the fencing to her, she'd already be in the parking lot and it would come off stalker-ish. I hope I run into her again.

All in all, despite the missed approaches, I had a great time bonding with my flesh-and-blood, flirting with couple of waitresses, eating good food and staying sober and watching people. It took my mind off my business challenges, loneliness due to limerance girl's rejection, and the ceaseless monkey chatter of my mind.

Limerance Girl:
It's been a week now with no contact. She's going to be gone for the next month, and it appears she's not going to reach out before leaving. I'm certainly not going to myself, despite a big part of me is telling myself, "Faint heart never won a fair lady." That I've got to fight through her resistance, to show up and remind her how awesome I am. So she can tell the story of our romance as me "chasing and chasing until I caught him." I've been initiating most contacts over the four months or so since our dance began, but I've never been a supplicating bitch and always kept I've kept it light and teasing. She always responded promptly and eagerly. So it's hard to maintain the no-contact rule. But I'm doing it.

Got a few text and phone calls to update you about later. One promising prospect.

Bet it was a fantastic weekend! Always great to get out of the house for some family-bonding time… and sounds like the scenery wasn’t too bad either

I have the feeling trivia girl likes you. I have definitely taken a walk down the crazy path a couple of times, with mixed results. Bet she’d give you her number if you bump into her again.

Great job with the eye contact/smile/body language. That’s really going to make your approaches hook!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Thanks friend. Appreciate the encouragement. Trivia girl is definitely down to go. She’s already giving me her number. I’m just being a little cautious.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Had a minor medical procedure yesterday - let's just say it's to do with loving the sun and it not loving me back.

With a big bandage covering my nose and part of an eye, I haven't been in much of a mood for seduction. But it'll only be a week before I should be better than new. In the meantime I think I'm going to check in on some numbers I gathered in the six months between the first and second (final) breakup with my previous girlfriend. Lay some groundwork, so to speak, via text and voice. See if I can successfully re-engage after a year-and-a-half.

Business has to be a priority though. I have to raise significant chunks of money by the end of the week. Thanks to Quickbooks switching to online, I don't know with any certainty who owes me what. It's annoying, and possibly existential if I don't stay focused. In the long run, it's going to be better, but the amount of monkey work to get it to that point is a little overwhelming.

I have a couple of prospects from those days that I'm eager to see what shakes out. One is a lovely English brunette. She reminds me of my first limerance obsession from 40 years ago when I lived in ol' Blightly. She is an accomplished professional, and quite well-to-do, just my type.

This girl and I never actually met in the flesh, but we had several very intimate and provocative conversations. I got her to play with herself over FaceTime, and we also shared a lot of vulnerabilities and dreams. It was an oddly intense week or so before we drifted apart.

I felt very connected to her, and, going by what she said in return, she to I. The distance, one hour, is what really kept us apart.

My plan, should I get her to re-engage, is to tell her straight up, "Listen, I know girls have needs, have itches that need scratching. Let's say some lonely evening you send me a text, saying you'd enjoy some company. Run yourself a nice warm bath, drop a bath bomb, light some candles. Play some sexy music, I recommend Thievery Corporation. Run your hands over all your gorgeous soft curves, let your mind wander. Dry off with your fluffiest thickest towel. Put on a pair of satin low-rise panties, and a silk teddy. Light blue, just like your eyes. By the time you finish, there will be a knock at your door. That'll be me. One hour will have passed."

What do y'all think? I think I've got nothing to lose.

Limerance Girl:
Looks like limerance girl left town without so much as a "see you when I get back." So I think it possible I might be nothing to her but another "fuckboy who couldn't take a hint." And that she was engaging and accommodating because she was a nice person. Though I do think she does have very real feelings for me, just not the level of what I have for her. Oh well, I'm grateful for this place, it helps to know other men have dealt with the same pain and longing.

 

[gameboy]

Sure, hit the English girl up and see what happens!

As for limerance girl, that's weird behaviour. Maybe she is afraid of catching feelings for you as well? Or she is really seeing other guys. More likely actually.

 

[ZenRising]

Looks like limerance girl left town without so much as a "see you when I get back." So I think it possible I might be nothing to her but another "fuckboy who couldn't take a hint." And that she was engaging and accommodating because she was a nice person. Though I do think she does have very real feelings for me, just not the level of what I have for her. Oh well, I'm grateful for this place, it helps to know other men have dealt with the same pain and longing.

Oh, these sound like some uncomfortable thoughts.. I hope you're doing ok... I thought of you today as the object of my own limerance suddenly appeared in my whatsapp asking to meet up... hadn't heard from her in quite a while, and immediately my mind is into 'anticipatory reality constuction' (as a therapist of mine called it!)... The one thing I have learned is that when I'm trying to figure out what's going on in the head of someone I long for, chances are the reality is something completely different... anyway, I'll update about what happens if/when I meet her... Wishing you a speedy recovery!

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Oh, these sound like some uncomfortable thoughts.. I hope you're doing ok... I thought of you today as the object of my own limerance suddenly appeared in my whatsapp asking to meet up... hadn't heard from her in quite a while, and immediately my mind is into 'anticipatory reality constuction' (as a therapist of mine called it!)... The one thing I have learned is that when I'm trying to figure out what's going on in the head of someone I long for, chances are the reality is something completely different... anyway, I'll update about what happens if/when I meet her... Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Yes I'm fine. Thanks for asking. One upside of being such a lovelorn schmuck is that I have plenty of experience of limerance. I've probably spent more time in this mental state of obsession and ceaseless loops than without it. "Anticipatory reality construction?" Brilliant! I've never heard of it, but I know exactly what it means.

So you got pinged? Interesting. Let us know! If it was me, I'd already be rehearsing every conversation up to and including the pillow talk.

 

[JT Sunshine]

My plan, should I get her to re-engage, is to tell her straight up, "Listen, I know girls have needs, have itches that need scratching. Let's say some lonely evening you send me a text, saying you'd enjoy some company. Run yourself a nice warm bath, drop a bath bomb, light some candles. Play some sexy music, I recommend Thievery Corporation. Run your hands over all your gorgeous soft curves, let your mind wander. Dry off with your fluffiest thickest towel. Put on a pair of satin low-rise panties, and a silk teddy. Light blue, just like your eyes. By the time you finish, there will be a knock at your door. That'll be me. One hour will have passed."

What do y'all think? I think I've got nothing to lose.

Absolutely go for it! Nothing to lose indeed. And if she responds well to that, rest assured the hour drive will be worth it

Limerance Girl:
Looks like limerance girl left town without so much as a "see you when I get back." So I think it possible I might be nothing to her but another "fuckboy who couldn't take a hint." And that she was engaging and accommodating because she was a nice person. Though I do think she does have very real feelings for me, just not the level of what I have for her. Oh well, I'm grateful for this place, it helps to know other men have dealt with the same pain and longing.

Weird... maybe at one time she found herself having feelings for you, but for some reason made a conscious effort not to? Idk why but some women do that...

 

[gameboy]

Weird... maybe at one time she found herself having feelings for you, but for some reason made a conscious effort not to? Idk why but some women do that...

May I be blunt @Casanova?

My intution tells me it was when she asked you "so you are dating?" and you replied "if you want to call it that" (if I remember correctly).

If she had feelings for you before, that probably killed them. Those were my thoughts when I read that post.

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Update:
Day 3 since procedure. A bit of skin cancer, couple of stitches, no big whoop. But I am wearing a big ass bandage across my nose and partially covering an eye. I almost went to a public event, hoping to scope cuties, but I checked the mirror just before leaving and decided against it. Too many people I know, awkward conversations, etc. Instead get rest, cook an excellent meal, catch up on reading, etc.

I did show my wound to the tall classy blond lady I met from Bumble. We spoke Sunday, she texted a couple times since, including this morning. So she's eager. I'm up for meetup as well - just not tonight. It was a test. If she could stand the sight of me in my current state, I will proceed. She passed. My cyberstalking shows someone not quite as delectable as her profile photos, but who's are?

Did not reach out to previous online matches from last year yet. The English girl's profile appears on several sites. Which I find strange, seems like she's an apex hottie, why is she having trouble meeting someone? I guess I could ask the same of myself. It gives me hope. Finding a suitable partner who's as hot and interesting as limerance girl is well within the range of possibility.

I did get a couple of new matches from cuties, including a tall German girl and a ginger doll with what appears to be a banging body. Distance sucks though. I really want to sharpen my daygame like my fellow journalers Gameboy, ZenRising and JT Sunshine. Soldier on!

May I be blunt @Casanova?

My intution tells me it was when she asked you "so you are dating?" and you replied "if you want to call it that" (if I remember correctly).

If she had feelings for you before, that probably killed them. Those were my thoughts when I read that post.

You may well be right.

I wasn't feeling mentally agile enough for a good response. Not even sure what that would sound like. I didn't want her to feel like I was spending all my time pining away for her. Even though I was/am, despite having slept with two women since she called it off.

It's not been my experience that girls can shut off their feelings in some logical way, as though, "Well I liked him before. But if he's seeing other women, then my attraction has vanished like the morning mist." It's been the opposite in my not-inconsiderable experience, knowing there's competition sharpens their desire.

We had a few flirty text exchanges in the days after that encounter, including some initiated by her, so if her attraction was killed, I don't think it was by that. But who knows? The older you get, the less you know for sure.

 

[gameboy]

Update:
Day 3 since procedure. A bit of skin cancer, couple of stitches, no big whoop. But I am wearing a big ass bandage across my nose and partially covering an eye. I almost went to a public event, hoping to scope cuties, but I checked the mirror just before leaving and decided against it. Too many people I know, awkward conversations, etc. Instead get rest, cook an excellent meal, catch up on reading, etc.

Wow, skin cancer sounds scary. Is it so easy to cure? Hope you are fine!

It's not been my experience that girls can shut off their feelings in some logical way, as though, "Well I liked him before. But if he's seeing other women, then my attraction has vanished like the morning mist." It's been the opposite in my not-inconsiderable experience, knowing there's competition sharpens their desire.

Absolutely... let me rephrase that. None of us can just switch off their feelings, if we could then we would be robots, or maybe psychopaths.

I assume she probably had feelings for you, but got a playerish vibe from you. Which is why she broke up with you in the first place. (Though I'm not sure if you actually were together? You only slept with her once right, was the breakup after that?)

She probably had doubts, but hearing that you are "dating" after having slept with her and being in contact with her, probably confirmed her impression and she decided to go no contact. Which is not to say she doesn't have feelings anymore. She probably does, but she's trying to get over it.

We had a few flirty text exchanges in the days after that encounter, including some initiated by her, so if her attraction was killed, I don't think it was by that. But who knows? The older you get, the less you know for sure.

Well, are you sure you know what you want? You seem to want to be with her, but you also enjoy flirting with other women.

If you want to be with her, just tell her! Worst case she'll say no and you'll be right where you are now. Best case, you two live happily ever after

And if you don't... well then you're on the right track already.

Just my 2 cents, I don't have a great history with relationships either, haha. So please take everything I say with a grain of salt

 

[Casanova Newhouse]

Wow, skin cancer sounds scary. Is it so easy to cure? Hope you are fine!


Absolutely... let me rephrase that. None of us can just switch off their feelings, if we could then we would be robots, or maybe psychopaths.

I assume she probably had feelings for you, but got a playerish vibe from you. Which is why she broke up with you in the first place. (Though I'm not sure if you actually were together? You only slept with her once right, was the breakup after that?)

She probably had doubts, but hearing that you are "dating" after having slept with her and being in contact with her, probably confirmed her impression and she decided to go no contact. Which is not to say she doesn't have feelings anymore. She probably does, but she's trying to get over it.



Well, are you sure you know what you want? You seem to want to be with her, but you also enjoy flirting with other women.

If you want to be with her, just tell her! Worst case she'll say no and you'll be right where you are now. Best case, you two live happily ever after

And if you don't... well then you're on the right track already.

Just my 2 cents, I don't have a great history with relationships either, haha. So please take everything I say with a grain of salt

Thanks for the thoughtful response @gameboy.

Skin cancer, at least in my case, is no big deal. I've spent a lot of time in the sun, working when I was young, playing as I got older, and now it's time to pay the toll. My older brother is on his 6th or 7th melanoma and he still basks in the sun like a seal.

With limerance girl, I felt like I did everything right - smooth and confident, right up to and past the one time we slept together. Much more than the sex, it was our soulful connection that attracted me. We had very different backgrounds, and yet shared the same tastes, beliefs and values about a wide range of subjects. The conversation was always effortless and emotionally revealing. I felt like I could really let my guard down. That happens so rarely for me I can count the times on one hand and have a thumb left over. I married two women with whom my emotional connection was much less tenuous, though the physical attraction made up for it, at least for awhile.

When she said she said she wasn't going to sleep with me for six months, I was over the moon. That meant she was sizing me up for a long-term relationship. We had fun with the countdown - and made it all of five days before the deed was done.

As I reflect back, I believe I was filling in a lot of blanks. Maybe I was mis-reading or over-interpreting her clues and cues. I do think if she was backing off because she thought I was a player, she would have told me. But who knows? Women are mysteries, even to themselves.

But again, it would have been easy for her to ghost me or ease out of contact, and I would have picked up the signal. I'm usually pretty good about reading the tea leaves when it comes to women. Indeed she maintained contact, suggested meet-ups, flirted and bantered back and forth. Maybe she really did want to be friends, truly close friends, but not lovers.

Given the consensus opinion over on the General board, I am not going to agonize over it. I will just move on and try to meet other women. I've been slacking off because of this procedure and because of work commitments, but I am going to get after it with discipline and enthusiasm. If she reaches out, I will be in a better place to deal with it. I've had plenty of interesting experiences in the three months since she first told me it wasn't happening romantically.

The plan, then, is to straight out ask her. What am I to you? Shit or get off the pot. What you say is spot on - worst case I'll be exactly where I am now. Maybe better, because I can free up the mental and emotional bandwidth, where she's been living in my head, rent free.

And who knows? Maybe by then I will have met someone who feels about me that way I feel about her. It's been known to happen. While waiting around six weeks for the previous limerance obsession to make up her mind, I met the woman with whom I'd go on to have the best relationship of my life (so far).

And don't worry my brother about your own dubious track record - that makes your counsel more valuable, not less.

 

[JT Sunshine]

Update:
Day 3 since procedure. A bit of skin cancer, couple of stitches, no big whoop. But I am wearing a big ass bandage across my nose and partially covering an eye. I almost went to a public event, hoping to scope cuties, but I checked the mirror just before leaving and decided against it. Too many people I know, awkward conversations, etc. Instead get rest, cook an excellent meal, catch up on reading, etc.

Hope you have a speedy recovery! Most of my family lives in Florida and have all gotten skin cancer once or twice... and all have been just fine. You will too!

I did show my wound to the tall classy blond lady I met from Bumble. We spoke Sunday, she texted a couple times since, including this morning. So she's eager. I'm up for meetup as well - just not tonight. It was a test. If she could stand the sight of me in my current state, I will proceed. She passed. My cyberstalking shows someone not quite as delectable as her profile photos, but who's are?

Or maybe she's just a "reverse catfish". She photographs poorly and is actually much better looking in person. It's rare, but one can hope I think you should find out...

I did get a couple of new matches from cuties, including a tall German girl and a ginger doll with what appears to be a banging body. Distance sucks though. I really want to sharpen my daygame like my fellow journalers Gameboy, ZenRising and JT Sunshine. Soldier on!

We will be right there with ya! Show the sun who's boss and go meet some cute women once you're feeling better

It's not been my experience that girls can shut off their feelings in some logical way, as though, "Well I liked him before. But if he's seeing other women, then my attraction has vanished like the morning mist." It's been the opposite in my not-inconsiderable experience, knowing there's competition sharpens their desire.

We had a few flirty text exchanges in the days after that encounter, including some initiated by her, so if her attraction was killed, I don't think it was by that. But who knows? The older you get, the less you know for sure.

Have always found this to be true. Seeing or simply just thinking about you with other women should, even on a purely primal level, make a woman more attracted to you.

Maybe it's some insecurity of her own that was preventing her? My dad dated a woman for almost a year who eventually broke up with him because "having a man at her house, so close physically and emotionally brought up feelings like she had with her ex husband of 15 years who fucked her over, and she didn't want to relive that again - ever". At least that's what she told him... and he's a natural. Or maybe she liked you so much she knew if she stuck around she'd end up falling in love, and she didn't want that. Maybe she was seeing another guy and flirted with the idea of you, but in the end decided to stick with him.

We may never know, but moving on and meeting new women is your best bet. Looking forward to reading about more of your adventures!

 

[gameboy]

I might be wrong about girls losing attraction when they hear about you seeing other girls. I'm probably biased by my last two LTRs, the first one of which lasted 3.5 years, and the other one, 6 years. Both girls were extremely jealous and caused lots of drama whenever they caught the slightest whiff of another girl showing interest in me, or of me in them.