Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

I think I’m starting to climb out of the mess. Pulled an all-nighter driving around and working through stuff with my best friend.

Two major breakthroughs:

1) Instead of waking up and being highly avoidant, I need to consciously have a frame of “rest now, work later”. A week ago when I happened to do that, it was positive.

2) I often have issues letting people into my personal and intimate spaces, physically and emotionally. Further than that I won’t elaborate here, but I’ll probably share more with some people in PMs and off-forum.

Reading my journal again with the benefit of this observation, it becomes clear that this is a bigger limitation than any aspect of my process.
Should I change how I screen? Eventually, yes. For now, the main thing is to spend more time getting to know more chicks. Getting a girl I feel comfort, connection, and chemistry (different but related concepts) is obviously best achieved by playing a numbers game.

I have a habit of autorejecting girls even before I open. Plenty of time to autoreject later on if I so decide.

So I have what to chew on, as well as work through on my next outing.

I may go out tonight for an event, but right now I need sleep. While I doubt there will be any college-age girls there anyway, talking to older women is always a valuable experience.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m making the most serious attempt at a streak in a long time. And it randomly occurred to me that I should try to listen to my various masculine organs more infield. Both when gauging my own feelings, and hers. Because most of the time when it’s been on, my penis just knew (even, in one case, when I had just blown).

In other news, SAG-AFTRA will begin picketing tomorrow. I plan to stop by both out of curiosity and to see if there are any girls under 30 there (WGA picket line average age is at least 40-45). It should be one of those situations that combine social frame with some of the powerful characteristics of cold approach.

 

[Conquistador]

Good news first: I reached another milestone toward a significant financial improvement.

The bad news?

I just took a significant and easily avoidable L. Thought a major application deadline had a week left to run. I was wrong.

There are consequences. Potentially permanent ones.

What hurts is that this happened because I delayed a (nontrivial and essential) preliminary step for months. And because of weaknesses I’ve discussed before in this journal and was well aware of on the logical level.

Meanwhile, I haven’t moved out yet due to some kind of mental block about sitting down and writing invoices and other necessary things.

In other areas, incremental progress continues.

As far as girls, I don’t think the back burner is a realistic option. But for the next few days at least, I need to do everything in my power to actually go for a Big Push.

Actually, a couple evenings ago I went to a mixer that @Swiffer had found out about and a lot happened. I’ll share the details later.

In the medium term, I need to have a serious think about how many units I can realistically handle in the fall semester. Because on the grand-strategic level, the offensive campaign of the past year has culminated completely, well short of most of my objectives. However, time remains a factor (I recently turned 21 without marking my birthday in any way, since I happened to not have my head above water at the time) and I may need to make difficult choices.

I’ve been trapped in a loop where I’m frazzled and burned out, and haven’t found a way to recover enough to get myself to a situation where I can truly recover. Due to what they’ve put me through, and their total and continued lack of empathy, my relationship with my parents has deteriorated to the worst it’s been in over a year, at least from my end.

Yet a lot of things are going well. If I can just get clear of this funk, I’ll be in a pretty strong position, with a lot of opportunities.

There is only one way: forward. These are the times that try men’s souls.

 

[Conquistador]

Finally!!
The last obstacle to moving out is cleared. Now I simply have to transfer the rent as quickly as possible.

I’ve also realized that something I hadn’t considered much is probably largely driving my issues functioning.
And it’ll take at least a week to deal with. Maybe more. And ending the problem would change things a lot, positively and perhaps negatively.

But if it really is a big part of the problem, it would explain a whole lot. And that would be a big deal.

In the meantime, I can’t let that be an excuse for not trying to make things work anyhow. My current eating and sleeping habits aren’t helping.


Zooming out, on my current trajectory, operational-strategic situation is in fact, in some ways, far more serious and dire than I’ve realized. If I don’t do something, in a month or two things will utterly collapse, internally and/or externally.

HOWEVER if I can just get a grip on myself I can, step by step, fix everything and continue on my merry way building a new, better, healthier, happier, and more independent life.

I just hope I can take some valuable lessons out of all the pain I’ve been through lately.

 

[Conquistador]

I’m leaning toward a slightly “harder” Exit than I had envisioned. I need to put distance, in as many ways and dimensions as possible, between myself and the past, to the extent that I can reasonably and feasibly do that.


In any case, if my goal really is to find a genuine connection with a girl my age, then I need to do what it takes to get myself there.

And that means, first and foremost, getting my act together.

Because the more functional I am, the easier it will be to consistently practice good game. In addition, obviously, to the massive benefits to attractiveness that come from being in state and stuff.

 

[King]

I’m leaning toward a slightly “harder” Exit than I had envisioned. I need to put distance, in as many ways and dimensions as possible, between myself and the past, to the extent that I can reasonably and feasibly do that.


In any case, if my goal really is to find a genuine connection with a girl my age, then I need to do what it takes to get myself there.

And that means, first and foremost, getting my act together.

Because the more functional I am, the easier it will be to consistently practice good game. In addition, obviously, to the massive benefits to attractiveness that come from being in state and stuff.

Yeah brother keep on moving forward - I'm going through this right now myself. A man needs to be steady, strong, and disciplined to conquer in life.

 

[Conquistador]

I think I need to just be proud of myself for being relatively unfazed by the suffering I’m experiencing.
Not much happened today — in the foreground. In two of the three most urgent areas, I need to act (in the third, I’m waiting on the other party).
But actually, I made incremental progress in other areas:

-Worked on texting game
-Put more time than usual into learning Swedish
-Pushed my updates to the mod I’m writing to GitHub
-Continued to develop ideas about how to live better
-Significant work on WP
-Improved my assessment of my current and future situation
-Consumed a lot of educational material

And this was a slow, burned-out, mostly wasted day.

Imagine what I can do when I get my act together.


Just before I started writing this post, I had a significant brainwave.
I had already been aware for a while that I need to stop auto-rejecting.

To clarify: instead of suppressing my sexual state, I need to put the focus on choosing whether or not to act. Overall, I should give off a quietly uninhibited vibe, with a mixture of BDE, adventurousness, and a mysterious vibe. All of these components already exist in my personality, but I need to fully bring them out, especially the first two.

I’ve already made tremendous progress in this direction, looking back at the start line. And I have a pretty good idea of how I can go about improving further.

 

[Conquistador]

Ok so let’s be honest, my “calmness” in the face of all this absolute crap is actually mostly lethargic unresponsiveness and I need to consult the appropriate specialist.

Today I forgot all about a Zoom I had and then proceeded to run out of time to go to the bank.

In the past, I would have treated this as a state of emergency (besides for my already being in one semi-permanently) and responded appropriately and effectively.

Instead, I’ve just let precious time slip through my fingers and languished at home.

Enough is enough. Really.

 

[Conquistador]

Last night I slept pretty well. Biphasic from 10-1 and 3-9, then more catching up until 12:30p.
My mind feels clearer. Body? Not so much. Hot, crowded room and uncomfortable mattress.

In other developments, I showed a little video of my parents’ apartment to a non-local friend and she was shocked by how cramped it was. I’m used to it, but I can’t stand not being able to move around normally.

I realized that I need to make a more detailed blueprint for how I’m going to live independently, so I started work on that.

I honestly don’t have much time for game right now. Maybe once I’ve run up a nice streak I’ll feel differently.

However, I plan on going to the bank tomorrow and I’ll see if I can number close the young teller I’ve been flirting with.

Overall, I think I’ve actually grown tremendously under the surface during the past few months of consolidation.

Apart from bringing that to the surface, I need to get things organized for fall as fast as possible, as well as securing housing.

Once I’m done writing this up, I’m going to go out and make something out of the rest of the day.

 

[Conquistador]

Expect a big announcement tomorrow

 

[Conquistador]

FREE AT LAST!!!
I’m writing this from inside my new home for the rest of the summer break.
It’s an epic moment, but quite an anticlimactic one.
After I get settled, I have a lot to do over the next month.

 

[Conquistador]

A lot has happened since I moved out.

The main issue is that I haven’t gotten settled and organized yet, partly because other major things came up. Physically I’m less exhausted but even more disrupted.

With another significant academic deadline this week, I need to get my act together NOW.

Anyway…

Once I’ve set things straight, it’s time to go for results. Even with sleep deprivation, an aggressive calorie deficit, and absurdly frequent ejaculations, I’m feeling horny.

Something I realized as I was writing this: the horniness that comes from these things is neither particularly healthy nor masculine, unlike, say, how you feel when you get home from the pool.

 

[Conquistador]

Welp, I now have a housemate for the next few weeks.
Hopefully it will help me keep a more regular and consistent schedule.
But it makes pulling more complicated.

 

[fog]

Welp, I now have a housemate for the next few weeks.
Hopefully it will help me keep a more regular and consistent schedule.
But it makes pulling more complicated.

what's been your experience pulling with a roommate vs pulling without a roommate?

 

[Conquistador]

what's been your experience pulling with a roommate vs not pulling with with a roommate?

I only left my parents’ place a week ago, and I haven’t been gaming since then.

You’d know better than I what it’s like to have a roommate.

 

[Conquistador]

Back at the beginning of this journal, I twice refused to move ahead with girls who were clearly into me.

In retrospect, I dodged a bullet both times.

In the first case, my connection with the girl was based almost entirely on our shared sensual experience at the beach and my rapport building. I might have been able to parlay that into sex, but I’m glad I didn’t tbh.

In the second case, the girl was completely emotionally closed off due to mommy issues, despite liking me and basically telling me she wanted me to be her BF.

Enough said.

 

[Mr.SocialAcceptableHarem]

Back at the beginning of this journal, I twice refused to move ahead with girls who were clearly into me.

In retrospect, I dodged a bullet both times.

In the first case, my connection with the girl was based almost entirely on our shared sensual experience at the beach and my rapport building. I might have been able to parlay that into sex, but I’m glad I didn’t tbh.

In the second case, the girl was completely emotionally closed off due to mommy issues, despite liking me and basically telling me she wanted me to be her BF.

Enough said.

Bro I would have fucked in BOTH scenarios

Sex is sex.

Hedonistic pleasure has value.

And as long as you formed some connection with them (which you did) it will feel meaningful before, during, and after sex

That has been my experience.

Even in the times I had no connection bc it was a Snapchat meet up, it still felt really good getting blown like flute.

Im trying to give a different perspective from the “it has to be special” pov that a lot guys have, particularly newbie guys like us

Meaningful does not have to = special

I find it meaningful when my bros and I watch a movie and order pizza, but it’s not some holy experience

The same with sex, most of the time I just feel like an animal when I’m balls deep, im stripped to just my basest desire to procreate, but it’s combined with doing it with someone I have compassion for so I find it meaningful.

but it’s not special, it’s like we went on a roller coaster together, the girl and I.

That’s cool, let’s do it again.

1. Beach girl, you guys has chemistry driven by the desire for sex, nothing wrong with that sounds like could turn into a fun experience

2. attachment issues girl you could still have sex with as long as you frame it correctly and know what your doing. As long as it is clear from the vibe that “this is just sex” if you communicate that and she gets it but still wishes to continue, then she knows the deal and will be able to handle it when you leave

so yeah, I doubt you will have reservations on girls like these after your 20th lay

of course screen how you want you get to pick em

But all I’m saying is be open minded, there are a lot of fun possibilities

best,

Biggus

 

[Conquistador]

I appreciate your taking the time to reply.

Bro I would have fucked in BOTH scenarios

Look my thoughts aren’t your thoughts, nor are my habits yours.

Sex is sex.

I don’t agree with that, pure and simple.

If you want to act the part of Biggus that’s great for you but that route is unhelpful for me at this stage.

Hedonistic pleasure has value.

I can agree with that, but I think it’s essential to be coming from a place of abundance and positivity/giving if you’re going that route.

And as long as you formed some connection with them (which you did) it will feel meaningful before, during, and after sex

Nope, not enough for me at present.

That has been my experience.

Clearly you’re not in the same position I am at all then.

Even in the times I had no connection bc it was a Snapchat meet up, it still felt really good getting blown like flute.

I didn’t ask.

Im trying to give a different perspective from the “it has to be special” pov that a lot guys have, particularly newbie guys like us

Who said anything about that?
That line is you basically projecting your mental models of where you seem to think I’m coming from with this and frankly I find it offensive.

so yeah, I doubt you will have reservations on girls like these after your 20th lay

Not the point

But all I’m saying is be open minded, there are a lot of fun possibilities

There will be time later for those.


Did it not occur to you that I’ve thought about all of ^^ before and that obviously I made my screening decisions for the same reasons I’m currently making many other decisions?
You seem to be blithely oblivious to any inkling of who exactly I am, where I’m coming from, where I am now, what I’m facing, where I want to be etc etc. And obviously I don’t expect you to. But given that you’ve read at least a large portion of my journal, I kinda thought that you had an idea of all that.

In short, just…no.

If anything I said was abrasive, don’t take it personally. Really don’t. I’m going through a difficult period right now.
Part of the reason I haven’t approached in two weeks (!) is that I’ve been so disrupted that sleep debt built up to the extent where it’s significantly affecting my judgment.

I get that you’re trying to be helpful. Thank you.
But next time, try to understand the starting assumptions first. Otherwise, how can you criticize the process without knowing the starting point?

Anyway, during the time since you posted, I’ve done a lot of deep introspection about some other internal stuff.
And it’s way bigger and more complicated than I thought.
But I’ll discuss that here later. Maybe tomorrow.

 

[Conquistador]

This thread got me thinking about a time in the past where a girl gave me an obvious test on what I had thought was a date.

I had us dismount and sit down on a bench together, but she didn’t want to sit close to me and went “wait, we are just friends, right?”

I fell hook line and sinker into her frame, mainly because I had been concerned she was super conservative (mentioned religiosity both on random re-encounter and on the date) and even messaged two senior members from her (normally sensual) culture about how to handle it.

I feel like a chump.

I then asked her a leading question “so you have a BF already?” and she told me she’d been seeing a guy for a while. In retrospect, I don’t believe this is accurate based on her frequent IG stories.

To be honest, this kind of noob mistake makes me feel like I will never develop good active game.

Obviously, I’m actually making a lot of progress. This happened early in the spring semester.

But — I’m not sure if my frames are still that flimsy.

Only one way to find out…

 

[Conquistador]

Which brings me to the topic of where to take my game from here.

One goal of mine is to have two dates a week. As an intermediate step, I could count friend dates and working lunch type stuff, since the goal is lots of long one-on-one interactions.

Also, I want to work through a couple of things, like my frame hardness ^^ and also the fact that I still have some deep-seated things to deprogram from.

To illustrate: when I was 8 and entirely pre-pubsecent, my (first-generation religious) mother bragged in my hearing to my (secular, public de facto charter school) teacher that “he didn’t even want to go into the Eye for the Sensual special exhibition at the art museum!”
That is to say, I made no protest when she told me we were bypassing it. Obviously, the fact that it was “forbidden” made me innocently curious.

That’s how long and how deeply I’ve been indoctrinated.

Despite being slightly more open at home about my vanilla heterosexuality, I have a long way to go.

It’s been helping me to have a close friend who’s both more rigorously religious than myself, and comes from a slightly different group that tends to be more sensible and less repressed. As I gradually shared more and more with him, I slowly realized that he wasn’t going to be judgmental at all, unlike some others I know. Having a bi stoner sister can’t hurt either lol.

The problem is not so much religious beliefs about proper behavior, so much as that my parents both are the sort of people who always get struck off jury panels by the defense because their occupation and training might predispose them towards a conviction.
(Argh, OPSEC sucks sometimes, no? But after what happened to a friend recently, I’m defs sticking with it.)

Anyway…

By now I have a clear vision for both the game and social aspects of the fall campaign.

The elephant in the room is still state and general logistics, of course.

I have less than two weeks left on my sublet and after that, I guess I’d have to return to my parents.

I’ve made little progress so far in the things that I’m supposed to be reorganizing and regenerating this summer.

That needs to change. Procrastination must end.

I don’t know how I’ll make it all work, but hopefully if I can actually make good use of my time the rest of the week, things will improve.

My awful habit of not quitting when I’m tired and just staying up hasn’t changed much yet.

Another issue is that the overall system needs to be resilient to component failures. Currently, certain issues are clogging the gears to an extent.

One of the keys to that is actually having “normal” levels of both energy and focus most of the time. My sleep debt recently peaked at “temporary brain damage” levels and I’ve barely started the recovery process.

Speaking of which, given that as I recently learned, the human brain is highly sexually selected for…

I MUST AND WILL prioritize taking the best possible care of mine, and I will take the necessary steps with as little delay as possible.

That’s all.