Surveying the Topography

[Conquistador]

Today I made real progress, but also, as an extension of previous inner game work, started asking myself even harder and deeper questions.

Despite low sleep, I opened an older classmate and it went really well. Then, I went to an extra credit event and ran into a lead with two guy friends of hers. After that, the bratty club “colleague” from last week showed her true colors in front of everyone. Appointing her was a mistake but at least it’ll be possible to sideline her.
In fact, I’ve become too kind lately. She’s downright toxic. Quiet containment is a better option than starting a fight.
Meanwhile, the other girl in the club who’s been flirting with me actually rings true. Partly because we’ve been acquaintances for over a year. I like her more for her personality than her looks but that’s probably a good thing.

Anyway, I went home pretty early and ended up sitting thigh to thigh on the bus with a different older classmate, who gives off really good vibes. We had an excellent convo.

Finally, as I was in a Zoom, a certain long-distance friend unexpectedly pinged me after being hard to reach for a while. Her timing was impeccable in a way. The brief conversation we had was, to say the least, thought-provoking. I was rather agreeable because of my tiredness, so I didn’t tell her how silly-n-cute she was being. Also, because of what she’s said about her past and present feelings/anxieties/experiences, I tend to treat her emotions a bit too delicately.

Overall, my vibe has improved markedly (not surprisingly ), although the recent sleep issues are getting to me. I’m currently growing a temporary PUA beard so that’s probably helping.

The next few days may well be even more epic.

 

[Conquistador]

Today was actually fairly quiet in terms of seduction, but I made significant progress and built good momentum in several other areas of my life.
We’ll see what that leads to

I went home pretty soon after class, but not before getting some nonverbal feedback.
No real random encounters of note, although I did run into a fellow club president of the too-naughty-for-me but plain influencer type.

Afterward, I went to an event at another campus. There were a fair amount of girls in the audience (one of the prettiest, who sat in the front row, was clearly with her BF), but I didn’t feel a strong urge to approach so I just chatted up two old ladies and a teenage boy for language practice. Also, I asked an insightful question during the Q&A and was startled by how awful my voice sounds in a microphone. Plus, I’ve been noticing some slight stammering lately, which is not normal for me at all. It might be sleep-and-fuel-related, or something more concerning.

Then I went to a third campus to explore. While heading through an empty lecture hall (it was around 9pm) two students entered, probably looking for a place to snog. Also, I went somewhere that had a “students and staff only or you’re trespassing” sign on it. Probably good for my testosterone, just like the unusual amount of unpleasant drivers and edgy moments during my many miles of riding today.

Tomorrow (Thursday) will be pretty big as usual. I have a good feeling about it but I’m also really tired at the moment. Time to hit the sack.

 

[Conquistador]

Today was exhausting, but a lot of interesting things happened.

It started a bit slowly. I presented in class on an extra-credit event and got some positive reactions from that. After class, however, I failed to secure a date with someone, and after socially approaching another classmate elsewhere on campus, found out she was expecting her boyfriend to call.
From there, however, things picked up a bit. I went to not one, but four club meetings and events and met a whole lot of new people, including many girls. I also had to make two more presentations during those.
I didn’t make any substantial progress with any existing leads per se. Although I did find out incidentally that a certain gorgeous and GF-quality club officer whom I’m becoming friends with currently has a female partner. No wonder her vibe is so awesome.

Edit: also, during the afternoon, I socially (language-based) cold approached a 2-set coming out of the college library with me. Got the prettier one interested in both me and my club.

However, this evening I did see my first ever pair of bare breasts other than my mom’s. They belonged to a homeless white woman in her late thirties making a scene in the road as I rode home from the store. Breasts really aren’t inherently sexual any more than butts or thighs.

Major progress is continuing with outstanding tasks and with scheduling/organization.

But I’m so tired that I’m going to miss a homework deadline in a few minutes because I’ll be in bed by then.

Tomorrow and the weekend I plan to cut out distractions, work hard, and rest well.

 

[Conquistador]

Something recently happened that is making me ask myself some hard questions.
Had it happened, say, two years ago, it might have had a very different effect.

I think what happened shows that, in at least one sense, the journey toward what I’m really seeking, deep down, may have only just begun.

I’ve gradually begun to realize that perhaps I might have been framing everything incorrectly from the start.
Maybe the “cone” of realistic paths is narrower than I thought.

So after writing the above, I meditated a bit. And things became clearer.

 

[Conquistador]

Over the past few days, I’ve taken a few small Ls, but gotten plenty of small Ws as well.
Over the weekend, I lay low as planned, except for going to a smallish birthday party. Nothing particularly significant happened there.

I think I need to hustle a bit faster toward getting my own space again. The semester has been mostly positive so far, but energy levels are important and I need to manage mine better.

 

[Conquistador]

The thing about breaks, recovery periods, operational pauses, whatever, is that you tend to lose your momentum.
Combine that with major disruptions at home, and it’s gotten rough.

At least I’m staying both calm and relatively grounded and present. It’s usually one or the other.

But I’m burning out on an emotional level. All I want is the peace of sleeping undisturbed. And then the clarity and strength to deal with each taskpromptly and smoothly.

Meanwhile, both academics and extracurriculars are becoming more complex. I’ll handle it, because it has to be done.

By next Tuesday things should begin to return to normal. That’s a long time from now.

I feel weak and fragile when stuff like this happens. And, sometimes, alone. Yet the truth is that to handle what I’ve been through takes more inner strength than many people will ever have.

I need my own space as soon as possible.

Yet, when I had it, it wasn’t enough. And I’ve figured out why that was, and how to do it right this time.

And, in general, if I’m going to go through with all my academic and personal plans, I have less margin for errors and wastage than ever.
The good news, as usual, is that in general, everything is improving in the medium to long term.

And in fact, the main obstacle now is just finding a suitable place. For now I just want a room with a separate entrance. At some point soon, I should be able to afford an apartment.

Lastly…
Humans need other humans. I’m still too aloof for my own good. It helps to have solid, reliable bros. And while I’m not even sure what I want anymore, healthy closeness with one or more women should help too.

 

[Conquistador]

Today was my first day on campus since Thursday. I could have slept in a bit because class was canceled, but my biological clock woke me up early anyway. Eventually, I had to go over to campus for a club meeting, after which I worked on various things.

In the library, I noticed a rather overdressed and well-put-together girl in a padded vest and stuff. My state was not great, so I didn’t end up approaching. To be fair, I was much more curious than attracted, and also the social proof of her clothes was intriguing. But my mind was blank.

In the end, a girl from my club’s board whom I had pinged on business got back to me, and I had her come up and meet me and then left the library with her. After she got herself a coffee (a much more positive experience than the other, bratty girl two weeks ago) we proceeded to a comfortable nook where we had some privacy but zero isolation.
Obviously we started by talking business, largely about forming a shared vision of the direction we all should take the club. She was both helpful and insightful, and made several great points. After this productive give-and-take, we then gradually drifted into more personal topics and I began to open up on things I usually try to compartmentalize away from my persona on campus (and in fact had told half-truths to someone just a couple hours before

I’m not super attracted physically, but she’s still a healthy human female and our mutual connection seems to have been steadily growing lately…plus, I trust her more than any other girl my age. And after several recent experiences, trust and reliability are important to me in a woman.
I don’t think I want her to be my first though. Although I may have found someone else for that…stay tuned…

Anyway, neither of us had logistics and I was both tired and sexually drained. So I just got friendly/intimate and had an honest chat.
Since falling asleep on her shoulder was out of the question, I went home and almost fell asleep in my bed, and then had an online class (a somewhat collaborative environment in which I’m that guy who asks most of the grad-level questions) where I realized that one of my classmates is the new president in a certain major club I haven’t been involved with yet.
Something interesting happened on Instagram about National Boyfriend Day, but it’s unimportant.
Also, after one of the hottest overachievers on campus did something excessively patriotic that affected me, I grasped something of the role that such things play in women’s minds and behaviors. Sure, I had read about that sort of thing since I was a kid, but at least a brief real-life example was required before I could really say that I understand the concept.
That’s usually how it is with social stuff and game. Books can point the way and show you interesting things you’d never have come up with on your own, but they’re no substitute for the field.

 

[Conquistador]

As usual, Thursday was a very long day, for much of which I felt like my brain was waterlogged and in zombie mode.

However, somehow I performed fairly well.

(I won’t be using spoilers but for the main thing, skip halfway)

In class, the girl to my right was wearing a long, low-cut dress (which tended to obscure her curves actually). I didn’t get a chance to ask her about it after class.

However, when the older girl who’s my most immediately promising lead walked in and past me, she gave me a split-second look with her eyes of “it’s on”. However, later, she was so glued to her phone on the way out that she didn’t even notice me running right past her to catch the first bus home, which I did in order to take a badly needed nap.

I ended up failing to fully lose consciousness. Initially, when I headed back to campus, I could barely hold a conversation, but gradually I began to feel slightly more like myself.
At the student union, I unexpectedly ran into a really beautiful intl girl who’s a honcho there (arguably the most eligible girl on campus to my way of thinking, but that was far from my mind at that moment because of exhaustion). She had recently asked me over email (pushing the limits of her official capacity) to make a certain small change with my club, so I explained what the initial reason for the irregularity had been and told her I’d fix it.
The interesting thing was how she responded in person. She was grateful and stuff like she had been making a personal request to someone with more power.

During over three hours of almost continuous meetings, I was somehow able to get a bit of rest and repair by sitting back and chilling. Then, I had to literally dash across campus to yet another meeting. I’ve gotten fitter so it didn’t feel that strenuous at all (although my heart rate and breathing took forever to go back down afterward).

Now, here’s where it gets interesting.

I ran into Deja Vu Girl on the way in (she legitimately couldn’t find the way to the meeting room as it’s quite confusing to the uninitiated). I call her that because she has an eerie and ridiculous amount of commonalities with a certain girl from last fall, except that she’s both relatively edgier and less feminine.

At the meeting, I had to make a presentation which apparently was more impressive than it felt from my POV. I also noticed that the other guy presenting, a thoroughly American brown dude with “frat boy” vibes (more on that later), was uptalking a bit.

Anyway, as it was ending, I needed to stick around to talk to a few people. One of them was busy conversing with a girl and a guy in rapid Thai (which sounds fascinating to the ear btw), so after a brief discussion I introduced myself to her friends. The other girl, though, seemed a lot like a certain native-Californian archetype that I’m partial to, and something in her nonverbals conveyed a potential-hookup “this guy happens to be sexy but I don’t actually care about him personally” frame which I’m kinda ambivalent about.
Anyway, after randomly finding $1.26 on the floor, I waited around to talk to the meeting’s host, who was still being swarmed. In the meantime, I chatted briefly with Deja Vu Girl and Wannabe Frat Guy.

Somehow we all left at the same time, but not together. Anyway I caught up with them at the bus stop, traded Instas, and got into a deeper conversation as we boarded together.

Mainly, we talked about Greek life and transfer. I didn’t really realize the two were compatible. In fact, she told me I’d do well in a frat. When I asked why, she told me that my presentation was the kind of stuff frats need to bring girls into their parties.

Besides for the multiple subtexts, I was honestly surprised by this, although I didn’t show it much. It just goes to show how far I’ve gotten building a new attractive, confident self. But also, that perhaps I should be careful what I wish for. Anyone who knows me well IRL (especially pre-college) would think the idea of Surveyor in a frat ridiculous, but now I’m willing to entertain it.
Nonetheless, I still find frats slightly distasteful. After what this girl told me today, it seems like frats are mainly a racket for providing entertainment and hookups to their (not always deserving) members, and one of the few real-life examples of the supposed institutionalized hookup culture that the redpill/balckpill fears so much. At least sororities actually make you do charity work and stuff occasionally. So yeah, I’m probably too “sigma” for a frat.

In any case, a few other interesting things happened. One of the eerie deja vu behaviors from her today was her showing me some TikTok of something random after asking me if I had an account. I told her that self-respecting men don’t use TikTok. Her reply to this: “[other guy’s naaaame!] <looks at him accusingly>” He didn’t actually talk that much for the 10 minutes or so before they had to switch buses, despite being next to her (I was across the aisle).

Upon reflection, this all is slightly foreboding. It’s one thing to act like a healthy human male and play the field for a bit, despite one’s conservative principles. It’s quite another to dive into an institutionalized hookup culture and participate in it.

Part of the issue is that once you scale up to the societal level, from a utilitarian ethics POV, hookup culture seems like it might well be morally wrong on balance. And that’s a courageous view to take, frankly. Especially as making moral judgments based on pragmatic utilitarian factors is a lot more threatening than ones based merely on tradition, because the former carries a scent of scientific inquiry, the religion of our times.

In any event, I need to rest as much as I can this weekend, and also work a bit. My sleep is messed up, among other things.

 

[Conquistador]

My weekend can be summarized in three words:

Stuff came up.

For one thing, my sleep issues have been getting gradually worse. Added to which, my job ended up involving much more physical exertion than I had expected.

Luckily, I have nothing mandatory on my schedule tomorrow. While I do need to get cracking on a few time sensitive things, I can leave them for late in the day.

I think it’s best if I really try to put girls on the back burner for a bit. Although I still need to keep up my efforts with social expansion.

I’ve been putting myself through too much. Granted, I don’t always have the wherewithal to rest when and where I want. So I need to change that by getting my own place.

I’m actually, for the first time, seeing a detailed, complete, short-term path to freeing my game, but it could take as long as two or three weeks.

The main thing is to be even more aware than I already am that I’m not superhuman and my resources are, in some areas, quite limited.

That said, as usual, almost every long-term factor in my life continues to improve steadily. Despite my flaws, I’m awesome.

 

[Conquistador]

Social momentum has found me

Class and club were uneventful as I’m still tired. But then I went to the library…

First, on the way there, I ran into a guy from last year and after catching up, we planned some fun bike adventures.

Inside the library, I encountered a Chinese lead. She mentioned she meets her bf on weekends (altho I get the impression it’s not a super strong/deep relationship), but happily agreed to go on an activity next week with me and some friend of hers, who hopefully is cute.
Then, still on the way to the stack with the advanced books I was going to study out of, I met a bro from class and a bunch of guys, discussing investment opportunities. I networked a bit, then took my leave and had a brief but intensely productive solo study session.
On the quad, I discovered that one of the girls from my club board (not someone I’m into) sometimes hangs out with…low status people.
Finally, I ended up taking the bus with the classmate from earlier. We discussed financial strategy and a bunch of other stuff.

Immediately after he got off to catch his transfer, I found out via Insta that this evening there’s a highly interesting cultural mixer at a university I haven’t visited yet. So I’m making plans to head over there…expecting lots of cute intl chicks…stay tuned

 

[Conquistador]

Another solid day…but a tiring one.

For some reason, despite being on zero streak, clothes mostly same as usual, and limited sleep, overall I got a lot more attention today. And I felt more in control of it than ever, not merely comfortable. I really am a walking romantic hero, who girls wish would carry them off. …I’m still working on that part.

I met two new girls during clubs, a Korean girl who was definitely into me and a local-exotic girl. Also a fake-tan Valley girl but she doesn’t count. Not to mention that I met a couple cool dudes too.

On my way out of campus, an annoying wildcard occurred that held me back from a great opportunity to deep dive a cute and inexperienced Euro girl from my lecture class who’s usually with her rotund friend. We keep exchanging smiles but I usually have stuff on my mind at the end of class, plus I think she might be technically underage still, so I haven’t tried to move faster.

I finalized plans for an adventure over the weekend with this taken girl I’ve charmed and a girlfriend of hers. Should be fun.

Then, I chatted up a cute hired gun while buying supplies for the trip. Sturdy, pink-cheeked, mid-30s. She mentioned that she has a girlfriend. I guess that’s where her great vibe came from

In terms of organization, finances, and moving out, progress is happening. I’m not quite ready to hunt for a room or an apartment, but things are falling into place.

 

[Conquistador]

It occurred to me that in order to better understand women, it might be helpful to understand the psychology of teenage girls.

Today was positive. I went out with friends and then ran an errand I’d been meaning to take care of for a while.

This coming week I’m going to focus on:

-Getting s**t done.
-Getting better sleep.
-Ejaculating less.
-Opening girls more often and taking bigger risks.

Things are improving steadily.

 

[Conquistador]

As I was going to bed, I realized that I had forgotten to check on a couple of things. Lo and behold, I had forgotten some assignments that were due last night.

Time for some cold hard realism. I might have to drop that class. And I need to get my act together in general.

At this point, I’ve pushed so many things (not only mysef) past planned or designed limits that it’s a miracle I’m still (mostly) going strong.

I need to be free.

It’s going to happen soon. Because it has to.


I also have to do something about being more organized. I think it will happen easily once I’m not feeling the enormous burden of being in this place.

Not much further…

 

[Conquistador]

Today was a bit unusual.

I skipped my favorite class and other things because I needed to sleep in as late as possible. I ended up sleeping from roughly 7–12

I then proceeded to visit two big and fancy local universities back to back for extracurricular reasons…the differences are really interesting.
@Swati you were 2/3 right btw but please don’t jump to conclusions lol. And public > private by a lot…ain’t very many Helens over in this Ilium…

I need to focus on becoming the best version of myself I can, and being timely, efficient, and driven in the work. Now that I’ve identified my sticking points, I think I can take a temporary hiatus from cold approach (mostly) and SC and campus stuff will provide ever more opportunities.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on what I really want with women and I still am not totally sure. Trust and connection are more important than I realized. But at this stage, I would rather be celibate than locked into an exclusive LTR with anyone.

Either way, I’m going to be forming strong habits of approaching more, moving quicker and more aggressively, etc.

However, I think it’s best if I prioritize independence above girls. I’m really not doing myself any favors by staying inside the tunnel instead of moving into the open world first. I already have a lot to give and clearly a fair percentage of girls would go for me (notwithstanding logistics and social frame/ASD issues) but none of this is worth delaying or encumbering my larger goals.

And also, I can now see how deeply confused my frames were up to recently. On a very fundamental level, I now feel somewhat calibrated to social frames and Gen Z’s dating culture (which I was carefully kept isolated from until 18/19).

One thing’s for sure: I want to seek out new experiences. Travel, parties, and many other things.

I can’t yet quite grasp the sheer scale of what I’ve been missing out on, still partially stuck within the boundaries (physical, emotional, cognitive, and more) of the little bailiwick my parents demarcated for themselves and me.

The good news is that the IoIs and tells I frequently notice are only the tip of the iceberg. And once I get fitter (currently mapping that out) and better dressed than before, not to mention all the state and other changes that will result from independence…I will be far more impressive than I already am.

Anyway, the future belongs to those who refuse to accept artificial limits, and who have the drive to make their will prevail over any challenges the world throws at them.

 

[Conquistador]

Today, I learned in a relatively painless way that I can come off as an abrasive asshole in certain situations.

Also, that subcommunication in both words and actions can be everything in an intercultural context.

I also did something bold and assertive in a meeting today that was very well-received. Also, later on, I went and got a bit of firsthand exposure to something important.

All in all, a productive day.

Edit: In the evening, at another venue, I successfully walked down a hill — via the railing of the curvaceous stairway that goes down it.

Then, I did something much less risky, an ordinary cut-the-corner type thing — and tripped and scratched up my thigh under my pants.

 

[Conquistador]

Today was epic. I can’t share a lot of the deets because they tend to be highly identifying, but here goes.

After a sleepless night, I carried out a special mission on short notice to help out with an event at a cool location. I rendezvoused with a girl from SC whom I hadn’t known so well up to today, and had a really positive experience.

I’m definitely going to move forward with her.

 

[Conquistador]

And now for something totally different…

Late last night, as I was getting in bed, a business contact sent me an RSVP link for an event he was going to be working at.
It was, essentially, a semi-private conference starring a noted speaker about healthy sex for women, at a classy venue rented for the occasion.

I impulsively RSVPed.

I had trouble falling asleep and got less than 5 hours. I learned some stuff in class relevant to communicating with women, but I’d have to check my notes to see what it was.
A highly identifying incident happened after class. I am very honorable, I saved a senior professor’s butt (their words), and coincidences are sometimes too wild to not come from a higher power.

After that, I went home and chilled and then got ready for the event.

Before leaving, I drank two (!) large mugs of coffee (mostly to get in state but partly to have a cast-iron excuse for staying sober).

Then, I went to a fun academic event immediately prior to going to the main event. On the way, I encountered a Finnish mom and daughter and had a pleasant conversation that piqued my interest in girls.

To be continued…

 

[Conquistador]

Before I write up more, I just want to say that since last Thursday I’ve been feeling my momentum increase steadily.

I feel like I might be on the verge of some serious “asymmetric returns” (although I have zero logistics as yet).
In terms of skillset, I definitely sense improvement in myself.
Also, by now I’ve fully adjusted to my environment. At the start line I was practically a total blank slate.
I, myself, have changed a lot. Mostly for the better.
I’ve also internalized that 1) the primary form of compliance is her allowing connection 2) if you want a lot of women for non-ONS, you need to be able to connect fully with each girl you encounter 3) seduction requires vulnerability; the biggest reason why I haven’t gotten laid is that up to now, deep down I really didn’t want to, even if I thought I did (e.g. girl passed boner test).

Now, I’m comfortable and self-aware enough that I think I can get the “right” kind of experiences that I’m looking for.

I don’t have an quick-n-easy solution for the logistics, but I’ll deal with that when one of the SC girls is ready to go that far.

Right now, it’s time to get some action and put some + and - signs on my reports.

The main thing is to keep the ball rolling.

I can’t express in words how exciting it is that this is all happening for real, right now, to me. That I’m where I’m at now. In all areas of my life.

 

[Conquistador]

I think this journal is headed for a coda. I’m planning to start a new one when I move out, but since there’s been little progress on that lately I can’t put a date on that.

Some of my earlier posts are a bit cringe in places, but I think I’ll keep using this thread for now.

 

[Conquistador]

Today I continued my momentum, after resting most of the day, by going to a weekly event that I’ve been meaning to go to for a while. Somehow it was really quite uneventful.

Then I had a pleasant call (over half an hour) with an SC girl. She definitely likes me and I expect to see her tomorrow.

My sleep schedule has been difficult to manage lately. If I want to up the tempo of operations, like I wish I could m have already done, I need to be more regular about that.