Barry's Social Circle Journal

[Sophisticated Gent]

Barry,

You have been with this girl long enough that the newlywed effect is wearing off. You are both becoming more of yourselfs with each other. It is time for you to step back and take a look at her. Is she the right person for you? A quick yes is the wrong answer. Take some time and look at her. Take yourself outside of the relationship. You want to make sure that the relationship is not what is important to you. You want to make sure she is important to you. When I was your age I spent years chasing a girl who today I look back at and realize it was the relationship and not her that I wanted. She may be the right person for you but I read a lot about the relationship in your words. I also see a couple of big potential psychological issues with her that you mentioned. Anorexia is an indication of deeper issues. The no sex game also makes me wonder where this is going. Also the depression issue and quitting her job are concerning. If she is hot like you say she is going to have orbiters. She will have to learn to deal with them so they don't affect her.

Your young and life is long. Make sure you are with someone who makes you happy. If not, it is not good for either of you.

BDSC

 

[BarryS1]

Hey everyone! I wanted to update the journal to keep track of my relationship and social circle progress. End of November marks 6 months and we went to SF for a farmer’s market, walk, and healthy restaurant. I am listing the ideas by category.

I want to show predictions for the relationship throughout the six months that ALL CAME OUT FALSE. I have never been in a relationship before, but TONS of weird fwb experiences. Building trust is new to me.

My predictions:
-Just dating: I thought she would disappear without notice like a lot of girls I dated before.
-Long distance in mid-west: I thought she would cheat on me because of the long distance and b/c she was mad about the anorecsic thing.
-Coming back home in October: After hearing about the orbiter stories, I thought she would start canceling on me when coming back home and that our relationship was in tatters.

Relationship growth (self-expansion and forward momentum) since the last time I posted:
Forward momentum:
-Met and spent time with the remaining family members she lives with (as of last week).
-Met all her closest friends (as of last week b/c I organized her b-day party).

Self-expansion:
Long-term:
-We go to the gym together 2x/week and have personal training sessions accordingly to meet our goals.
Short-term:
-She’s teaching me Spanish.
-We are utilizing sex toys like vibrating rings and trying to get better overall.

Other relationship activities (short-term fun):
-Went away to the city for Halloween and stayed overnight.
-Health food conference.
-Friends’ birthdays (replaces 1-on-1 date nights to eat b/c it saves time).
-Concert.


Personal milestones:

I’ve read similar stories on the forum about people having a hard time with these situations.

-Did not quit b/c of general jealousy.
-Got a handle on the sex disagreements and discovered the problem through appealing to emotional needs.
-Ended major event of disrespect in a calm manner and it never happened again.
-Able to consistently give her two types of orgasms: clitoral and inner.

Future events:
-She’s turned 21 last week and I planned/hosted her b-day party (will write about that one later).
-She’s transferring to a 4-year college in the Fall. and told me the applied colleges. Being honest with myself, I can’t stand another period of long distance if she goes far like Southern California. I did a LDR for 3 months and was sweating buckshot the whole time. In a LDR, you cannot growth with a person and planning out short-term fun when together for the weekend or so gets gray after awhile. As a man, I would be wasting my time and putting myself in a losing position. However, if she lives w/in an hour of me, there would be no problem (she lives like 40 min from me now). Even if she is going to Southern California, I am enjoying the time with her and will break it off when she announces her choice.

Her feedback/investment:
-Multiple times, she said I have never showed any signs of jealousy. I responded with “Unless you feel like there’s something making you uncomfortable, then I won’t be. It seems like you are respectful towards me and hang out with good people.” She keeps asking over and over until she gives up (I can’t admit anything to this question).
-Never cancels on me, even when totally exhausted. In fact sometimes I can’t tell if she is running on zero sleep until she has sex b/c she will fall asleep after one round lol!


The big elephant in the room - aren’t all college girls potential party whores who just wanna screw me over?

I hear a lot of guys on the boards saying they are worried about being in relationships with girls in college because of partying. My girlfriend turned 21 and transferring to a university in fall, so most would argue I am vulnerable. My reply is that if she was going to turn into a hardcore partier, it would have been much earlier. I was a hard drug user and heavy drinker in high school/beginning of college and know those demographics of girls.

My solution to the college idea - I took an oath to do the following things to keep me from pulling the trigger and breaking up with her over “worrying”.
-I will not break up with her over being worried about general cheating.
-I will not break up with her over going out with friends (unless she cancels our plans on a continuous basis).

Overview:
A couple months ago, I posted about experiencing love for the first time. Now, I realized that this girl is good to work with. We are keeping a goal together and improving ourselves simultaneously. Even though things are growing, i can’t help but stay cautious. I can think of a million different ways something can go wrong, but can’t let emotions get in the way of making a decision of staying with the right girl.

 

[BarryS1]

OR: GF's B-Day Party 12/12

I wanted to post this showing how I socialize around my gf and interact with other people around her. The end result is learning the ins-and-outs of socializing with a significant other.

I planned a birthday party for my girlfriend beginning of Dec. and I had a really good time. It took a long time to plan b/c she’s vegan so I found a safe restaurant and got a special cake. She said I was the first person to plan a birthday party for her, so I was glad to make the experience memorable. The turnout was large with 15 people at dinner with half going to a lounge afterwards..

Me: Had the flu with a fever and was loosing my voice. I was one of the quietest people there b/c I felt so sick.

Types of friends at the party:
-Orbiter that she’s complained about over the summer
-Female friends
-Male friends that seem like cool guys that she wants to set up with her friends. For some reason, most of my conversations with them ended up with them offering to help me with something.

Thoughts on her friends:
-I met her best friend of 4+ years and found out she was the exact opposite of what I thought.
-2/15 were talkative, the rest were VERY reserved and took awhile to get talking.
-The orbiter friend my gf talked about over the summer from high school was there, but he sulked in the corner and did not talk to anyone besides the couple people he knew. He was on the far side of the table, so I did not talk to him besides saying hello and goodbye.


Progression of the evening:

Restaurant
Everyone got seated and half of them came late. There were two main groups - those from college and high school. I sat next to my gf. There was a lot of confusion about the menu and type of service at first - they tried to serve us family style instead of individual. Me and the gf were put in the corner away from the waiter could hear us, so her gal pal had to lead.

(Tip for the future: sit in a corner where the waiter can get to you easily. Me and the gf were hosting, but were in a bad location to lead/give recommendations).

Except for 2/15, her friends were VERY quite. In the beginning, I was doing a lot of work to keep the convos going and meet those around me. I got to meet her best friend and she turned out to be quite the opposite of what I thought - goes to a big school, but is a total homebody that doesn’t like meeting new people. I was asking her what she likes to do or if she wants to join sororities and she said no.

I said a lot of funny stuff and was in a light, playful mood. Here’s a few good moments:
1. Her friend thought I had food on my face, but it was really my freckle. I have her crap about it lol
2. Her other friend got a sexy gift for her and the whole table was throwing sexual jokes out there (it got a little out of hand so I said something funny)
3. Smoothed out a situation where everyone thought the waiter was hitting on her

Pt.1 Food on face

Her friend: Barry, you’ve got some food on your face.

Me: (Turning to gf to inspect me)

Gf: No, I don’t see anything

Her friend: No, it’s right there.

Me: Oh, that’s just my big, ugly mole

Her friend: Whoops, I didn’t know (she actually seemed embarrassed)

Gf: No, that’s a beauty mark!!

Me: (Making fun of the friend’s way of talking to me towards everyone at the table) Excuse meee, you’ve got some big ugly thing on your face. Ew! HAHAHA

Pt.2 Sexy gift

My girlfriend was opening gifts from friends and her best friend gave a shot glass with a light-up dildo at the bottom. Just imagine the type of sexual comments thrown at her, it made me feel like I had to say something.

Me: (Towards her best friend) Oh, nice! Now I bet you two have matching ones now!

Gf and her friend: (They thought it was funny, but her friend was kinda shocked)

Everyone else: (They started saying sexual things about the friend instead of my gf now)

Pt.3 Waiter

With a party of 15 people, our waiter had a tough job of getting everything perfect. Since it was my gf’s birthday, he gave her a free drink.

Waiter: Here I got this for you (towards my gf)

Me: (I thanked him for giving her the drink) (p.s. He was doing a good job keeping everyone happy while the food was coming)

Everyone else at the table: (Started saying how he got her a free drink and probably thinks she’s hot/going for the b-day girl)

Me: (Told the gf how the drink was closer to me and he wanted ME to have it)

(The table was talking about how hot the waiter was and a couple girls were urging another to go for it)

Gf: (Told all her friends what I was saying and told the galpal the waiter could be gay)

(There was a running gag the rest of the night that the waiter was gay and going for me. Everyone thought I should “tone it down” and give the other girl a chance at getting the waiter’s attention)

Me: (To the other galpal) X, next time he comes over you should grab a handful of it! (gesturing in the air for her to grab his buttcheeks)

(Everyone was surprised I said that but erupted in laughter)

Gf: Yeah, Barry likes that when I do it to him!

Lounge

Nothing exciting happened besides watching her friends standing at the bar getting free drinks. They were pimpin' it!


Dynamics of the evening:
-The two groups were seated on separate side of the table and hardly spoke to each other.
-Most of the conversations were about the Snapchats everyone was making to each other.
-Me and the gf did not talk much during dinner b/c most of the people she has not seen in years or 6+ months. I wanted to remain silent as much as possible b/c I was sick.
-My gf did a good job going to other areas of the table to talk to people, it helped me not be the center of attention.
-My gf was affectionate and made everyone feel included.
-Her friends were asking me a lot of questions, but I did the bear minimum to get by because I was sick. I didn’t deep-dive and kept things at surface level.
-I made a LOT of sexual jokes! Even though I wasn’t the most talkative, I said a lot of crazy things.

Their opinions of me:
-Told me how everyone thought I was considerate for planning the party.
-She admitted that one of her guy friends just got out of a relationship and was very bitter. She said a few months ago to “watch out” in case I was going to screw her over. She said that after meeting me that, he knew what she was talking about being in a good relationship. To be honest, I don’t think this is worth exploring. If she was acting based off of others’ it WOULD worry me.


Relationship Ideas
Realization:
Just because she’s in a relationship with me doesn’t mean she owes me anything afterwards.

Kinda of an eye-opener to the role of the bf. Its just amazing how disposable this role is. I do not feel that anything I do can create a lasting impact. I see these girls in the groups getting out of 3 yr+ relationships and getting on dating apps and hitting on guys throughout the evening. I was disgusted a couple weeks after the party, but came to the realization it’s part of life.

Main feel:
I proud of myself for taking the relationship this far, but feel in the end owes you nothing.

Ideas:
-I am only useful for my short-term purposes.
-They can end instantly without notice even after a good moment. I saw a girl in our social circle break up with the guy after he planned a birthday party for her.


Overview:
I enjoyed the dinner and going out to meet the rest of her friends. I don’t want to comment on the bottom to sound negative, just emphasize relationship status’ change quickly and that there is only a day-to-day exchange of value.

 

[Lotus]

Barry,

Thanks for the share, I'm trying to get all these relationship dynamics down as well so it's always nice to see how others are doing shit.

I love your re-frames they worked magically and changed the way the group viewed the events, especially with the gay waiter. You have me thinking he is gay now also haha!

Regarding the mole, a fine showing of self-deprecation, I don't think many people understand how powerful of a tool it is to show your security in your own value. A lesser man would have gotten defensive and looked weak in front of his girlfriend.

Relationship Ideas
Realization:
Just because she’s in a relationship with me doesn’t mean she owes me anything afterwards.

Kinda of an eye-opener to the role of the bf. Its just amazing how disposable this role is. I do not feel that anything I do can create a lasting impact. I see these girls in the groups getting out of 3 yr+ relationships and getting on dating apps and hitting on guys throughout the evening. I was disgusted a couple weeks after the party, but came to the realization it’s part of life.

Main feel:
I proud of myself for taking the relationship this far, but feel in the end owes you nothing.

Ideas:
-I am only useful for my short-term purposes.
-They can end instantly without notice even after a good moment. I saw a girl in our social circle break up with the guy after he planned a birthday party for her.

Yeah it's a tough pill to swallow, but I'm sure if this relationship were to end you would want to get into the field as well? Meeting new people helps us move on. They also may have been putting on a show to look like they were over their ex's in public, but in private, when they are home alone it may be a completely different story.

Where you can make an impact is how she views dating in the future, if you make her a better person throughout the relationship and make good memories she will appreciate that. How things ended with my ex still royally piss me off at times and I wouldn't take her back, but I fully appreciate what she did for me and how she forced me to grow as a person. Without her I wouldn't be where I am today.

I'm definitely going to stay tuned as I am working through the beginning stages of a LDR, and congrats on making it through the first 6 months!

-Lotus

 

[BarryS1]

Thanks Lotus, I am glad this was interesting.

The groups were always caught on odd topics and they definitely needed to change. You know that feeling when the conversation makes you cringe? I felt that!

Regarding the mole, a fine showing of self-deprecation, I don't think many people understand how powerful of a tool it is to show your security in your own value. A lesser man would have gotten defensive and looked weak in front of his girlfriend.

That's a good point. It was my first time meeting most of these people, so I guess that part was a good impression. My gf said later that friend thought I was cute, so it probably had something to do with that.

Yeah it's a tough pill to swallow, but I'm sure if this relationship were to end you would want to get into the field as well? Meeting new people helps us move on. They also may have been putting on a show to look like they were over their ex's in public, but in private, when they are home alone it may be a completely different story.

Where you can make an impact is how she views dating in the future, if you make her a better person throughout the relationship and make good memories she will appreciate that. How things ended with my ex still royally piss me off at times and I wouldn't take her back, but I fully appreciate what she did for me and how she forced me to grow as a person. Without her I wouldn't be where I am today.

I am starting to change how I see relationships now. They are not unconditional love like blood relatives, but 'business partners' you see on a regular basis. You have to make it worth their time.

In the first few months of the relationship I was thinking all the time about plan b's if something were to happen. I stopped now because it's too exhausting to think about. But if something happened I would go right back to what I was doing before daygame while running errands plus social circle events.

Thank you Lotus and I'll be reading more about your relationship as well! We both have girls that are the exact opposite and it would be interesting about how the relationships progress. My gf is inexperienced and only had MF sex one time in her life before meeting me and more on the submissive/quite type. The types of drama from our actions and moodyness from their life we encounter might be totally different - my gf gets quite and does not talk. A more dynamic girl, on the other end of the spectrum, might get extremely vocal. It would be interesting to see how you deal with things that pop up on your end because I am going to post next a few problems I encountered over the last month.

 

[BarryS1]

R Management In Full Effect

Since my last posting in mid-December, I thought everything was going great that month - we went to a lot of social events (b-day party, concert, met her family, and went to her dance recital). Things flipped 180 after that and I was bombarded with 1) disrespect and 2) moodiness. On the plus side, I dealt with the disrespectful issue and had a breakthrough for combating moodiness. The realization about moodiness is pure f***ing gold, definitely one of the top 10 most important I’ve learned in seduction. I will post the second part about moods later.

Pt. 1 disrespect around X-Mas about the club

Main issue of disrespect: She went to a gay club one night with her gal-pals and bragging about gay guys grinding/picking them up in the air.

Here’s my philosophy on respect: In the beginning of the relationship talk about what you/her expect (it’s different for every couple). I won’t use operant conditioning on an issue I do myself. For example, a few times a year I get invited to b-day parties in clubs/bars. I am not going to be like Chase and give her s*** about going out b/c I NEED FREEDOM TO GO OUT.

The situation:
When we went to the gym one day, she told me about being invited by her friends to go to the gay club. That weekend I had to visit family and was crammed from my programming bootcamp class. Around 9:30pm at night she texted an invite to go with her and the friends. I said I couldn’t and go on ahead. To be honest, I felt a little worried that night and had trouble sleeping. The next day, I ran errands and approached/number closed to getting feelings of jealousy out. I cheat emotionally a lot, I don’t know how else to cope with it.

Monday the next week, I pick her up for the gym and she’s quite as a mouse. I don’t ask her any questions about her night, but get food and drive to the gym. At the gym, she suddenly pops open and starts being bubbly again - volunteering information about the night. She said it was soooo fun because these gay guys were dancing on them all night and picking them up in the air/throwing them around (she even showed me bruises).

Oh mannn, was I disgusted.

Here’s the series of events:
-I asked if she was okay asked her more like ‘what do you mean picked up in the air?” (it was apparent my energy changed)
-She said that people were just grabbing them all night
-I asked, “So you are okay with random people grabbing you?”
-She said it was not like that and stormed off into the bathroom
-When she got out I asked her to get our stuff from the locker b/c we are leaving. She said I should go b/c she can take the train. I kept pressing gently and after 5min or so we walked to the car.
-When we go to the car she was crying and tried walking away saying she’ll take the train. I pressed gently and told to talk for awhile.
-I asked again what she meant and there was silence. She gave brief snippets between sobs saying how she didn’t like that place but didn’t know what to do in the situation.
-I told her in the beginning of the relationship SHE TOLD ME NOT TO MESS AROUND WITH ANYONE AT CLUBS and asked how she’d feel if I was grinding/tossing around people. I also set the record straight and told how none of my friends do that when going out to clubs/bars.
-We stared at each other on and off for 10 min and spoke a few words at a time.
-Progress: She said that she knows what I mean.
-I asked, “So you know why I stopped the workout and wanted to talk?”
-She said yes b/c she was disrespecting me. She also admitted that those guys might have been bi or faking being gay.

I winded down the conversation from there, went to a drive-through X-mas light show, worked out more, then got food. We did not have sex that night.


Overview:
If this happens again, I will dump her. I felt disgusted talking to her and was a hairsbreadth from walking away/telling her to get lost.

It’s hilarious how these girls just forget in the moment when going out with friends. Sometimes, I’ve grinded girls in clubs/bars who’s bf/husband were in the other room. Most of the time, the girls who are taken will tell me and not let me touch them/their friends with intervene. Having a girl who is respectful is possible, but I have to work for it.

Since the incident, she has not gone out with those friends. The four weeks following, I do not think she has hung out with anyone but me (bad sign). Sooner or later, she might get the urge to hang out with those friends again (and do the same thing) and the process will starts anew. At least this time she knows how I will react. Being in a relationship with her, I have a lot of influence

 

[BarryS1]

R Management Pt. 2 - Dealing With Moods

The second part involves deals with my gf’s bad moods coming from two sources - 1) my acts of harshness and 2) her own life. This relates to social circle because there are external people affecting me and our relationship all the time. I will post stories about relationships within the context of social circle, but am starting a wordpress relationship blog soon. I do not want my relationship theory ideas clogging up stories about my social life.

I am writing about this because the occurrences of bad moods have increased substantially. Between late December to beginning of February, she will be in a good mood 1/4 times. During that time period, I realized how important emotional value is and read a ton of articles.

Identifying moods:
I wrote in someone’s post the easiest way to identify if she’s in a bad mood is if you try to talk to her or escalate towards sex. Moodswings are counterproductive to both.

Type of mood:
-Somber
-Read this GC article: https://www.girlschase.com/content/girlf ... can-fix-it

Her types of somber moods:
1. Type 1: She will be somber when I pick her up. Tries to be happy and upbeat but ends up sucking me down.
2. Type 2: She will act totally upbeat then switch to being somber/tight-lipped later on.

Here’s my solutions to moods:
1. Ask what’s wrong and persist until she gives an answer.
2. If not co-operating, tell her I’m trying to ask what’s wrong and then leave.

My strategy:
1. Type 1: somber when first picking her up

a. Talk to her to get a read of the mood
b. Ask what’s wrong - she’ll say ‘nothing’
c. A few hours later she’ll pop out of it or I’ll push hard for an answer (if out of public area)

2. Type 2: mood switch

a. Talk to her to get a read of the mood
b. Ask what’s wrong - she’ll say ‘nothing’ but usually be in tears or harsh tone
c. Hard push
d. Guess what the problem is and apologize if it’s my fault/really bad

Examples of the moods:
1. Type 1:

a. The club incident - posted earlier (December)
b. She was totally silent around X-Mas and didn’t text me back for several days. I found out later it was b/c she was homesick and missed her family in Mexico. (December)
c. She was somber one day after picking her up. I asked multiple times and she wouldn’t answer, a couple hours later it was b/c she didn’t want to go to her dance performance. (December)
d. She was somber again when picking her up. Again I asked what was wrong and at the end of the day STILL wouldn’t answer. I did the hard push and found out she was homesick (January)
e. She was somber AGAIN when picking her up and I asked about the family. She blew up in tears and I used Chase’s technique for comfort. (January)
f. Another dozen cases where she snapped out of it BECAUSE I DID NOT PERSIST AFTER NO CO-OPERATION and there was no apparent cause.

2. Type 2:
a. Between rounds of sex she suddenly went cold and would not co-operate when asking what’s wrong. I left her place, then called the next morning. It took awhile, but she got upset that I was teasing her after the first round of sex. I wanted to go to my place or car to finish b/c she was banging me on the couch when her family was home!!! (January)
b. We were grocery shopping together and she was being extremely finicky. After awhile, I snapped saying, “I am going to snap, let’s just get these.” I got the rest of the groceries by myself with her following me behind me. I explained to her in the car that I had a bad day b/c of my programming bootcamp. She exploded in tears saying she was a burden, ect. I apologized (like Chase suggests to do), but she didn’t snap out of it till a couple hours later. I wanted to be with her b/c she got a UTI and I said it was an emergency and had to get food for her, ect. (January)

The effect on me:
-I am starting to get depressed from her moods (it transfers to me right away). On emotional contagion, Chase says that the leaders are more susceptible to emotional contagion.
-It takes a lot of emotional effort to get her to open up.

Overview and plan for the future:
At one point there was a time where I thought her moodswings were too much to handle. I felt a lot of pressure and did not have the energy to solve it - I thought it was emotional vampirism.

Right now, I have a step-by-step process for dealing with moods so it does not affect me (as much). I switched efforts from being sucking into her mood to conserving my emotional energy. It’s really night and day compared to where I was a month ago. It’s kinda like learning a process for cold approach, once you get it, success starts coming your way.

 

[BarryS1]

Lifestyle Update

Brief background:

Four months ago, I moved back to the Bay Area after a 3 month contract position in the Mid-West. I was in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend during that time. This week marks the 9 months in the relationship. After coming back I moved back in with my parents, did a 3 month programming bootcamp, and job searched. Last week I landed a position and am starting on Monday.

Lifestyle during that time:

Over the four months since moving back, I’ve been living like a hermit. I optimized by doing the minimum for the best results in the relationship while frantically working on the bootcamp and job search. I did not socialize much and spent the majority of free time (2-3x/week) with the gf. I did forward momentum in the relationship by meeting her friends and family, plus wrote about it in the journal. However, I only spent time with her circle if absolutely necessary or for a great event.

Occurrences of socializing:

-Just me and my friends: 5 times
-Me, gf, and her friends: 6 times
-Me, gf and her family: >10 times
-Me, gf, and my family: 4 times
-Me, gf, and my friends: 1 time

Problems of a reclusive lifestyle:

I had no friends to join when me and the gf went out for Halloween, X-Mas events, New Years, ect. It was fun, but I always desired having a group of people to go out with and bring the gf too. All my friends are from college and travel A LOT for work so they are hardly ever in the Bay Area. I never admitted to the gf (or will), but I was really self-conscious about not having “a crew”.

Building my future lifestyle:

-Sex improvement: I will have enough money for getting my own place.
-Lifestyle: Money to go back to my old hobbies and make friends there. Also company events can add some fun.

Overview:

Getting a job allows me to cover one of the most important needs in a relationship - a private place for sex with my own place. However, the lifestyle component makes up a smaller fraction of the relationship needs and adds pizazz to my life. I started this journal 1.5 years ago for building a lifestyle, but finally have enough income to get it off the ground.

 

[BarryS1]

Lifestyle Adjustment - Update

I had to update the journal because adjusting to the new job and maintaining my relationship/homelife. Today marks the end of the fourth week of my job, every week has had it’s own challenges. First week was relationship drama, second was difficulty with co-workers, third I broke down from exhaustion and got sick, and fourth I started adjusting and am REALLY enjoying the change.

Lifestyle now:
-I am living with my distant relatives until I can find an apartment.
-The commute to and from work is an hour each.
-Two days a week I workout with the gf plus see her on the weekend.
-I do not have time to sleep greater than 4-6 hrs/night during the week.
-The stress has been intense and almost threw up a few times.

First week - relationship drama

After the first day of work, I went to pick up my gf for the gym, but we ended up staying at her parents place. She came back from a family wedding and I couldn’t make it b/c I was starting a new job. Things got hot and heavy in her room, but I didn’t want to do it b/c she lives in an apartment, PLUS two family members where home. I told her we should go in the car, we went, parked somewhere far, and started having sex. She was tired, but I didn’t want to kill the mood by killing it off. Dropping her off that night, she seemed upset and after pressuring her to tell me what was wrong - she said nothing, so I let it be.

Over the next week, she engaged in passive-aggressive behavior by canceling on the gym twice in a row. I knew something was wrong so I went over to pick up stuff. She was very sad and I did the relationship drama steps 1) calling out the behavior and 2) drawing the line HARD.

It was not the smoothest because I had a mental breakdown during step 2 because of work stress. Long story short, I drew the line about her passive-aggressive behavior in the past as well. I told her to get therapy. She eventually apologized and I stayed most of the night with her. She said I looked like I was about to break up with her, I said yes. She then agreed to get therapy and fix things up.

Second week - coworker challenges

I live in silicon valley, but work in an industrial company - not tech. This company attracts a much different crowd of people (blue collar workers who are promoted to the office and have rougher personalities). Aka they aren’t pussies.

Adjusting to a working environment after 4 months was difficult. 3/4 months I was doing a programming bootcamp, so I was hardly talking to anyone besides my gf and family. Working in a large office campus was a shock. I am talking to 5 people on a regular basis, plus meeting several new ones a day. There were a lot of mistakes - making comments that weren’t productive, not being quick on me feet, ect.

I almost quit my job because my co-workers were joking around with me during a time where I was going through rough shit. I am in a technical programming role, but my co-workers ALL have strong personalities. Remember the neg/affection form of complimenting RSD Julien and Tyler talk about? My co-workers all show the neg form of complimenting - everyone tears each other down for fun. I love playing around with them, but recent events impacted me.

One day during a meeting my boss and co-workers were giving me crap about not eating the pizza b/c I am dairy-free. They said my gf influenced me in the wrong way and that I should dump her. It was all fun and games until I snapped and told my boss, “We should focus on other things instead.” It killed the joyous/joking mood and they never teased me about it again.

Third week - becoming exhausted

The third week I became exhausted was really having trouble with the workload and lack of sleep. I hardly have energy for socializing.

Fourth week - adjusting and having fun

I am starting to get used to socializing on low energy and am being more efficient.

Overview:
I am going to end this on a report note because I am tired. I am sticking to my plans for improvement, but am not reading as much about relationship theory anymore. My plans are moving out and accumulating money for improving my lifestyle.

 

[BarryS1]

Lifestyle Update - Huge Turnaround

It's been a couple months but wanted to give q positive update on the lifestyle changes. I'm talking about how this one change affects my relationship and lifestyle. I found an amazing luxury apartment in the perfect location in my city. It took a couple months to find but it was worth it!

Lifestyle:
-Luxury apartment has pools, huge community of people, events going on all the time, great roommate, and private rooms to host parties.
-I don't have to commute 80miles/day for my job and finally moved out of my parents house. I save 2 hrs each weekday by not commuting that distance.
-Saved my sanity, the stress level was heart attack level from stacking priorities such as relationship, family, work, exercise all while running on 5-6 hrs of sleep from commuting.

Relationships:
I didn't get the support I thought for making a change. After signing the leasing, I got backlash from family, friends, and even my girlfriend a little big…YES my girlfriend too! Some people talk about attainability that if you improve too much, your S/O will think you’ll leave her. In this case, everyone was hating on me saying: it’s too expensive, I can’t believe you have a nicer place than me, anything they can to doubt me. It made them uncomfortable and any chance they got they would try to change my mind.

This video explains it perfectly, I had a change to speak to Arash before over a year ago:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXCu7xPXGG4.

Seriously I agree with him, there’s never a hater better than you. I may be harsh on this, but it's important to recognize when it's happening (even if it's small).

The future/goals:
-I have so many topics about relationships I want to explore such as healthy emotions, improving my operant conditioning, and why drama happens over small things.
-Start going to conferences again so I can start creating a social circle relevant to me.
-Start freelancing on weekends.
-Create the blog about relationships.

Overview:
The end of this month will be my one year relationship anniversary. Before that, I want to post a lot of things I've learned but haven't had the time to post. I really want to start getting involved again on the forum.

 

[Eternity]

Getting a luxury apartment has always been a goal for me so props for getting that accomplished. Is it more Penthouse or is just really nice looking?
It's definitely going to be awesome for u from now on.

 

[BarryS1]

Hey Eternity, thanks its been a lot of fun here.

It's an apartment community in a cluster over several blocks. There no penthouse like a one building apartment with an amazing view, that would be cool. I would prefer a penthouse in a single building if I lived in a dense city or by the ocean. I'm living close to business parks where the city is sprawling, so there's no view around here.

On the plus side of a community, I get access to the facilities of other communities owned by the same company nearby. So you could jump from community to community for things like pools, lounges, tennis, parks, gyms, ect. There's an opportunity to have more socialization in a community compared to a building.

 

[BarryS1]

OR: A Completely Different Night Out

Note about the party:
Saturday night I went to my sister’s birthday party. I met her at my parents’ house and her boyfriend picked us up. The party was at a restaurant then transitioned to several bars. The area was in a shopping center with apartment complexes in the most expensive area of the city. There were 13 people total at dinner, but I knew only two people there besides my sister. I was wearing a suit, button down shirt, and pink/white pocket square that flared out.

The most important topics are me being tempted by another girl and seeing an old fwb. Throughout my social circle journal, I have never been tempted before. In the last couple months, I’ve really gotten my life together and people are starting to take notice. I am not used to feeling desired by multiple people - it’s totally foreign.

Temptation:
One of the last people to come to the party was my sister’s friend who I’ve never seen before, a gorgeous latina girl who had a thin build (above the waist), but had great legs and an angular face. She sat down next to me and introduced herself to me even though I was talking to someone else. At first she asked me things like: how I knew my sister (lol), where I’m from, how old I was, what I do, and where I live. After breaking the ice we talked about jobs and she’s in a similar field and was asking questions about it. A guy came in and joined the convo too, I was polite to both of them and tried to help out. I qualified her about the work she’s done and the big risk she took (related to a job change). I think she was nervous telling me this info, but it looked like she felt better after spilling the beans

main points
-I’ve never seen someone spend so much effort trying to break the ice by TRYING MULTIPLE TIMES
-I never did anything besides cold read, deep dive, and qualified her after. Nothing sexual and NO touching

Conclusion:
The next day I stayed at my parent’s house and my sister said she asked about me. She asked if I broke up with my girlfriend because I didn’t bring her (she was studying for finals that weekend). She also told me that the guy next to her was the bf and that she asked if my sister “saw anything there for long term”. Three things - 1) she is questioning her long-term capability with him, 2) she cares to remember my relationship status (my sister probably told her a long time ago), and 3) she has the balls to ask my sister about my status.

Meeting an Ex:
First time seeing a girl after dating them. She was my sister’s friend and had a rough fall-out a couple years ago. She didn’t like my schedule and got angry over text message for not seeing her enough. We broke things off then went to my sister saying how boys always use her, ummmm crazy!

Conclusion:
I probably talked to her most because I didn’t know anyone else. I didn’t ask her how things were when we left off, but kept it smalltalk about w/e subject ppl were talking about. At the end of the night my sister asked if it was weird and I said no. I didn’t have any feelings for her, just like I did two years ago. We even exchanged snapchat contacts, everything turned out fine!

Final thoughts on temptation:
I haven’t drank heavily in public since I was 16 (now 24), I ordered 3 hard drinks and have a low tolerance. People around me ordered more. I forgot how tempting it can be with alcohol in your system to flirt. I understand what Chase said about logistics being the #1 cause of cheating, AND I BELIEVE IT! It doesn’t matter how much you like your significant other, the alcohol will nudge your urges through the roof. If that girl or my ex-FWB physically came onto me, I wouldn’t have the reaction time to do anything about it.

For future reference, I am not going to get that ****faced in public again. I do not want to be in an easy place to cheat and will do whatever I can to prevent that. Despite being in a relationship, I have urges, I’m only human. W/o alcohol I’d be like “hey she’s pretty hot and hitting on me, but she has a bf and I don’t want to leave my LTR.” W/ alcohol, I’d be too much in the moment and be giving her too many good reactions. Being in a situation of cheat happens BECAUSE YOU PUT YOURSELF THERE.

Overview of the night:
I had an amazing time and got along with everyone. My sister told me that no one knew I was her brother and that I was just a friend (she said that’s a good sign). I’m getting closer w/ my sister’s bf, he’s a good guy. I exchanged phone numbers/snapchats with a few of her friends (excluding the hot girl).

 

[BarryS1]

Social Circle Update

Doing an update on the social circle progress encompassing my relationship, worklife, and family.

Topics:
-Assets I have (apartment, money for my hobbies, my desire for passive income)
-Well being (stress levels, work situation, workout plan)
-Environments I am fitting into (work, wakeboarding lakes, yoga) (also respect there - my dairy free life from bad to good)
-People in my life and responsibilities (new stuff in relationship, no social life, never have time for myself)
-Plans for the future (new job, increasing time with the hobbies, getting into passive income, figuring out a social life)


1. Assets:
-Living situation:
I am living with a roomate in a luxury 2B, 2B apartment. I hardly ever see my roommate b/c the floorspace is huge and we have different schedules. He never says anything when my girlfriend comes over, but I time it so we aren’t making a ton of noise in the family room/kitchen when he comes back. He’s more of a quiet guy. Aka perfect situation.

-Income:
I am working a full-time job. Unfortunately, my company made restructuring changes a couple months after I started - I am doing tasks I was not hired to do. It has been a huge stress on me (even panic attacks), but I kept on because I wanted to get more financially stabilized.

-Extra income:
Over the last two months, I’ve been obsessed about ways to get more income. It has turned into a hobby the last couple months aka get your finances together. New credit cards, new retirement plans, savings plans, everything. I’ll explain more in another post, but me and the GF have a new goal of investing. I’ve been doing it since high school, but trying to become more consistent.

2. Well being:
Stress levels:
My stress levels have been sky-high since the beginning of summer. I have balanced work, family, relationship, applying for new roles, job training, and so many more. I honestly felt the sides of my neck hurting some days. Around mid-July, I started cracking down and began getting snappy with the gf. She’s more on the calm side so it has been a huge source of drama for those couple weeks. Somehow, I am not agitated (maybe chemically I have adjusted) because I am doing more work, but have not flipped out yet. I am also planning on doing a stress management workbook.

Other:
I’ve definitely felt overworked since the beginning of the year, not just the job but other responsibilities. I had my 25th birthday in June and didn’t have time to celebrate. Saw family for dinner, gf came over that night, then packed for travel vacation with gf a couple days later.

3. Environments
Work:
Starting my new role in March, I did not fit in well at all. The personalities of my co-workers was a huge hurdle to adjust to (aka veterans going into tech are interesting).

Here’s my scorecard:
Looks- I grew out my facial hair to fit into the office environment and to change things up. I barely had stubble, but increased to almost a centimeter. My company is 200+ ppl, but looks for mid to experienced people, so the age ranges are early thirties to mid sixties. I’m definitely the youngest one.
Mannerisms- Most of the people I directly work with are ‘bust you’ sort of joking. Like harsh ways of showing affection. To be honest, my first couple weeks there I thought about leaving. Eventually I adapted and it seems normal now. The co-workers I didn’t like the most now are my favorite people because I understand them.
Knowledge-n/a
Reputation- I don’t have any reputation being there almost 8 months. I’m definitely antisocial at work and take care of personal things (like writing this) during lunch. Besides that, I have taken a lot of criticism about my beliefs. Especially being dairy free and working in an environment with food during meetings. It took constant work from me to brainwash them back with reasons for me starting. Now I don’t take any shit about it.

Social Life/hobbies:
The only other social circle I would be in is wakeboarding. I took a couple lessons over the summer, but haven’t formed any relationships yet. Here’s my scorecard:
Looks - Most of the people who wakeboard look very similar to me, but are more tan LOL. I have the right equipment, clothes, and hairstyle though.
Mannerisms - The wakeboaders and boaters I talk to on the lake docks have a surfer-like chillness to them, but are uptight BECAUSE THEY ARE DRIVING $100K BOATS. You need to switch on the fly from chill conversation to serious.
Knowledge- I’ve been wakeboarding since college with family, but never been apart of the community. I’m totally lost with a lot of the terminology, events, and slang they are using.
Reputation- I just started in the community, I only know a couple people.


4. People in my life/responsibilities:
Relationship-Currently in a 16 month relationship with the same girl. I’m really liking how things are turning out and will make a 1 year relationship post soon. I wanted to relay the importance that being in a relationship does help, but requires maintenance. I spend time on our goals (investing, yoga, gym) which takes 5-6 days a week. Right now it has scaled back to 3-4 because she has school.

Family-Family doesn’t take that much responsibility, only 1day for every 1-2 weeks.

Friends-Here’s where it gets bad :/ I have neglected my social circle for a long time. I have not hung out with one of my old friends since April…To be honest, I have no idea where to fit in how to make new friends right now. During the summer I planned on changing the social circle through wakeboarding, but I was not able to dedicate enough time. My super motivated friends from college have moved out of state too and I’ve ignored my old ones from high school.

5. Plans for the future
living situation- I like having a roommate, but want to get a 1BR apartment
income- I would like to start transitioning to full-time freelancing compared to my 9-5 job. I will starting after I finish picking out investments for retirement, savings, ect.
friends- I signed up to attend more programming conferences over the next couple months, so it would be great to meet others and get some projects going.

Overview:
I thought getting an fancy place would mean tons of fun, but I’ve never worked harder in my life lol!! I definitely did have fun, but would like to ‘round off’ the lifestyle to make it more complete.

 

[BarryS1]

1 Year Relationship Update

Hi haven't made a post here in awhile, but I am still in a relationship with the same girl. I just wanted to do an update between the 6 month - 1 year period.

Agenda:
-Areas of management
-sex
-dynamics (time see each other, fights)
-Expectations
-Cost/investments in each other (I spent $5k)
-goals (short term and long term Chase talks about)
-Future progressions

Areas of management:
Looking back after >1.5 years, I can categorize the first year as managing the relationship in response to people external of the relationship. The entire time, I got great value from the relationship, but I did not feel stable. This includes:

-best friend who’s a guy white knighting (I don’t have that and never encountered)
-best girl friends that’s trying to get her to do single activities and lives a risky lifestyle. Putting perspectives and desensitizing her to things that are not conductive to a LTR.
-Orbiter (guy or girl standard)

Sex:
-Two great things happened after getting my own place. 1) I’m feeling more confident in myself and 2) her sex drive went WAYYYY up

1)
At the last month of the 1 year, I got a roommate with a 2B/2B apartment. Before that we were having sex in hotels and in the backseat of my car because I lived at home.

Reason 1 - obtainability
Getting my place really helped my confidence, I felt that if I didn’t get a place to have sex soon, then the relationship was doomed. I felt that I had a good ability of satisfying her needs, but felt that not having my own place was a huge lacking component.

Reason 2 - it could interrupt my flow
Before that, there was resistance to sex and complications that would occur when escalating in my car. People could walk by, the weather could be cold, ect. Many things could happen that could (as Chase puts it) “break the spell”.

2)
Her sex drive rose dramatically after getting my new place. We used to be having sex 1 time a week on average, but that crippled to at least 3. Its much more comfortable and convienient with my own place instead of in public or in a car.

Dynamics:

Expectations:
Long term commitment?:
Being totally honest, we brought up the marriage question while watching the Bachelor one night. Over the next couple weeks, we talked here and there about it and agreed that marriage is for people later in life when ready to have kids. Other than that, there is no need to go through special arrangements and ceremonies right now.

Will she move?
She is uncertain where she will transfer next semester. It could be 300 miles away in SoCal, locally, or anywhere in between. To be honest, a long distance relationship will work for me temporarily because I have a lot of certifications to earn. However, I am uncertain whether it would for her.

Costs/Investment:
No one talks about this, but I kept track of all my expenses related to the relationship. This excludes her expenses. Everything from restaurants, vacations, gifts, ect. - anything involving expenses related to us. $5,000. I never thought we are the type to go out every weekend, but looking back it did cost a lot. We have nowhere near the social life as most of our friends, but it wasn’t until I added it up that I realized the high cost.

Has anyone else recorded their relationship cost?

Goals:
short term -
-Rock climbing: maybe could lead to something long term.
-Traveling: I planned and bought ticket/hotel package for our 1 year celebration in LA.

long term:
-Gym: we are still going to the gym 2x/week. It has been almost 6 months of us doing that.
-Unsure what we could do long term if she goes to school far away, we will see.

Future progressions:
-We have a whole summer to do our goals and travel.
-I’m not sure where she is going to school next quarter, so a lot of mystery up in the air.

Overall:
I think the first year of the relationship was dealing with obtainability b/c of:
1)learning how to manage the relationship to establish healthy boundaries with people external of the relationship: obiters, unhealthy friendships, people’s opinions, ect.
2)insecurities of mine I had to get ahold of such as $, job, and getting my own place.

 

[Lotus]

Barry,

Congrats on making it to the 1 year and getting your own place. That's a huge step and makes all the difference while trying to manage a relationship.

Yeah, long distance is tough. Definitely hard to sustain long term without an end date in mind. Not just for the relationship but for the cost. I haven't personally tallied my costs but they are up there.

1)learning how to manage the relationship to establish healthy boundaries with people external of the relationship: obiters, unhealthy friendships, people’s opinions, ect.

1 year in how much do you guys communicate? I've convinced myself that with long distance I can talk to her at some point each day, but I'm curious on what your doing?

Healthy boundaries.... yesss, everyone and their mother wants to judge long distance relationships. That is something that sets me off every time, because I moved away from her just as we started dating. She wants to move down to SoFlo with me but her family has been influencing her to get large commitments out of me or to have me move back up north since my company is larger.

Glad things are still going well for you Barry!

Taylor

 

[BarryS1]

Hey Lotus, dude totally agree. Its probably the biggest impact out of all the things I’ve done so far!

1 year in how much do you guys communicate? I've convinced myself that with long distance I can talk to her at some point each day, but I'm curious on what your doing?

For talking to each other, back then we would meet up about 3x/week, with two of those times just going to the gym and not seeing each other that long. The other time would be about the whole day. We didn’t call each other unless we couldn’t see each other and were trying to collaborate on something like booking a trip.

I tried to keep texting like everyone recommends here about planning stuff, but after the 1/2 yr mark slowly grew to everyday. After texting everyday it turned to almost every couple hours such as morning, lunch, and nighttime texting. At first I was afraid I would get into a bad precedent like Chase talks about, but I think it helps with planning the week out on the fly if something comes up. It’s strange, but I’ve turned into a fan of texting more frequently now.

I did long distance the first three months with her and we mostly talked online. We would have a webcam chat for a few hours a couple times a week and would text each other during the week to set up a time.

Healthy boundaries.... yesss, everyone and their mother wants to judge long distance relationships. That is something that sets me off every time, because I moved away from her just as we started dating. She wants to move down to SoFlo with me but her family has been influencing her to get large commitments out of me or to have me move back up north since my company is larger.

Glad things are still going well for you Barry!

Snap that happened to me too! I remember my gf’s Mom doing the same thing when I was in a different state for awhile. I think long distance could be amazing if a couple is really into ‘investment’ mode and trying to work hard on themselves for awhile before making the next step. It seems like you're doing that with your job. Definitely keep filling us in on what happens!

 

[BarryS1]

Relation
Period: ship report: 1 year - 1.5 year

We are currently about to celebrate our 2 year, but I wanted to post this interesting story. I am going through the same format as the last entry. I just have to say one thing, I’ve seen my journal entries about the struggles of being single and I’m about to write about relationship problems. Both lifestyles have their advantages in certain philosophy of uses (POU’s).

Agenda:
-Areas of management
-sex
-dynamics (time see each other, fights)
-reason for dynamics
-Expectations
-Cost/investments in each other
-goals (short term and long term Chase talks about)
-Social circles
-Future progressions

Areas of Management:
-No attainability thoughts anymore, I feel way more secure where I am right now.
-The tradeoff to good attainability is dealing with more domestic-related issues.
-Again, a few of her friends are not a good influence. I’ve added that in before.
-Orbiters - 2 types, direct and indirect. the usual stuff.
-Direct: People straight up hitting on her she tells me she rejects them.
-Indirect: She will meet guys (and sometimes girls) who exchange contacts for something, but it bits us in the ass because they will start asking her out over text or calling. From their perspective, its the hardest to understand. Even my sister, who is sharp as hell, has stories every month of this happening to her. Being more socially aware and gaining experience will help solve this.

Sex:
-I have gotten coaching from maleenchancementcoach.com that’s run by Al - great guy. After several months of training, we were able to figure out why I was ejaculating early - my pelvic floor was being overly activated. I am now not ejaculating early anymore.
-We are having sex 3x/week consistently and it is much easier moving out of my parents.
-Less drama because things are more comfortable, there’s a shower in the other room and we can sleep afterwards.

Dynamics:
Much different than before, being within 1 mile of each other and seeing each other 4-5x a week, we are running into domestic issues. The biggest issue is walking on eggshells, I encountered SO many fights that have started for no reason. In fact, I did the girls chase hotline coaching it got so bad. I am going to post some stories on the next thread to show people the reality of what could happen. Currently, I am not encountering that and have a much different perspective and strategy after the coaching.

-Being annoyed
-Walking on eggshells
-Increasing time spent together/almost living with me


Reason for dynamics:
I think the reason for the change in dynamics comes from my background. I do not have experience being around someone that often and requiring so much of me.

-Mostly reclusive throughout my life - used to spending weeks or months alone to complete certain tasks.
-Never been in a relationship before.
-Never hung out frequently.

Expectations:
-Marriage, we agreed to wait until our 30s because tying together our finances and insurance wouldn’t help us right now. Plus, its too much work to plan something like that right now.
-She wants me to get a dog lol! I told her that I’m in an apartment and that a dog would be really upset not having a place to run around.

Cost/Investments in each other:
-Exactly $1k in investment, that doesn’t include our vacation b/c I paid for that during the 0.5-1year window.
-Seeing each other 4-5x/week
-I have a new philosophy about relationship investments: know the right time to get out. There are some trends/actions I believe in that would cause me to exit. Even though I experienced a lot of difficulty, I decided to stay in the relationship because if I didn’t learn how to deal with it - it would happen in the next relationship.

Long term goals:
-My apartment complex has workout studios with already paid classes, we go to yoga weekly.
-The gym, but new type of training style - bodyweight training.
-Opened a stock brokerage account to make some money to pay for our vacations.

Short term goals:
-She goes with my family on our local lake to jets and wakeboard.
-Went to the range once with me and my Dad.
-We have gone out every weekend somewhere during the summer, our lives are fast paced.

Social circles:
-We do not have enough time to be part of social circles. She works part time and I work full time as well as take certifications on the side.
-The last time I hung out with friends in 2016 was in April.
-Disagreement with her friends - she is always telling me her friends (that I do not like) invite us out, but I told her I don’t like going to ratchet dance clubs and gay bars. Eventually, we go out to nice bars and restaurants with just us or her family too.

Future progressions:
-Plan vacations in the winter.
-Working through domestic related issues to create a more comforting home.
-She’s going to school about 40 miles away and commuting 3x/week. We will still be able to see each other the same amount. I am hoping she gets to live on campus and get to meet more people (mostly to get her to see some of her old friends aren’t good for her). I am planning on visiting a lot too. (UPDATE: she didn’t move on campus and is still commuting).

Overview:
Wow, those six months were a very different dynamic! I was not prepared to encounter what I did, but am glad to have learned how to manage it. There were many moments I thought the stress would get to me, but I kept going on. I can see how some people give up, sometimes its worth not learning everything at once about women/relationships. I saw a lot of great relationship videos from Arash Dibazar that opened my eyes to investment in a relationship and that you shouldn’t quit so easily (stated above). I don’t want this post to sound bitter, I wanted to write down how surprised I was.

 

[Mr.Rob]

Hey Barry,

Long time no talk man. Cool you have a relationship you're happy with.

This interested me.

Sex:
-I have gotten coaching from maleenchancementcoach.com that’s run by Al - great guy. After several months of training, we were able to figure out why I was ejaculating early - my pelvic floor was being overly activated. I am now not ejaculating early anymore.

How did you change this? I.e. What did you do to stop overly activating your pelvic floor

-Rob

 

[BarryS1]

What's poppin Rob! Definitely, I miss the google plus talks we all used to have!

The coach recommended avoiding contracting the pelvic floor except for certain periods during penis enhancement workouts or intercourse. Here's how I got stuck with a sore pelvic floor - contracting the pelvic floor while having an erection and after taking a piss. I thought it was unusual to get an erection without flexing the pelvic floor.

After a couple weeks of consciously avoiding to contract it while having an erection, the pain went away!