Saturday, November 2, 2013
Just let a girl leave my place. Disappointed, but the date went well for the most part.
Here's our texting - I want to include it here because I feel it's a good example. I definitely learned from it.
me last Saturday 1632: Hey LaidBackGirl, always nice to meet a new friend
.
her 1727: Most definitely! Great to meet you as well! Glad you were able to enjoy the beautiful day!
-next day
me 2007: Hey LaidBackGirl, how was you weekend? Restful and relaxing, or even more tired than when you started? (Usually I don't send out texts this long anymore; I'll send a very short question and see if the girl bites. But her previous response was great, so I allowed myself to invest a bit more)
-next day
her 618: Haha it was a bit of both really! Very very busy but in a good way! Tiring but only after having fun with friends. It was really great, not so much for my homework though! Haha. How about you?
me 901: Wow LaidBackGirl, what time did you wake up this morning
? (Very long text from her qualifying herself: more investment. I give her a short reply with a very subtle chase frame, teasing her for texting me back so early in the morning.
her 1015: Waaaay too early. I occasionally work for a smoothie company through my school and we had an early morning catering event. It was awful. So tired!
me 1019: Very impressed. So now it's nap time, or off to the next activity? (Felt like I should qualify her for all the investment she's giving before cutting to the chase)
her 1019: I wish! Heading to the gym really quickly and then off to class at 11:45. What's on your plan for the day?
me 1130: I can already tell you'll completely wear me out! I'm at work now. On meeting up again - when's good for you? (Another subtle chase frame)
her 1609: Hmmmmm...I'm not sure this week will work. I'm really busy with Halloween shenanigans and such. But perhaps the weekend?
me 1617: Perhaps
(This response was great; she didn't give me enough investment so I pulled back and gave her a super short reply communicating that I don't really care too much whether or not we see each other again. Helps that I really didn't - I'm starting to feel an abundance mentality, and it's something you can't fake)
her 1921: Haha, which day suits you better? (Wow, it worked. She's chasing me now! Again, it was the abundance mentality that made this happen. I really didn't care all the much about her, so I gave her space. It only took 3 hours for her to change her tune)
me 2107: Not sure yet. (I'm gonna milk her chasing all the way! Also wanted to wait as long as possible before committing so I can pick a time with the best logistics)
her 2114: Just let me know if you're free. How was your day?
me 2120: Great, and yours?
her 2126: Long and busy but pretty good!
Got my midterm back and got a perfect score so i was really pleased.
(So much qualifying)
me 2129: An overachiever huh
? Glad you're pleased. (Qualifying and cold reading)
her 2133: Haha you hit the nail on the head there! I'm a notorious perfectionist/over achiever lol. Where do you work?
me 2149: San Mateo I'll tell you all about it when we see each other, and if our schedules are difficult we'll just have to be patient! (Didn't want to kill the intrigue by answering before we actually met up, and decided this was enough texting for now so I wanted to end the conversation. Also communicated again that maybe we'll see each other soon, maybe not. It's not important to me)
her 2055: Haha sounds good. So far my weekend is somewhat flexible so it's up to you!
(Wow, she went from "not sure if this week will work" to "pick a time, I'm flexible!" This could have gone very differently had I chased.)
-next day
me 2059: Hey LaidBackGirl, made any weekend plans yet?
her 2100: So far just having lunch on Saturday with a friend of mine!
me 2102: Perfect we can meet after. 7 o'clock?
her 2112: Hmmm that should work actually! Any idea on a place to go?
me 2113: Let's meet at Union square
her 2114: Anywhere in specific? Like the actual square in the middle?
me 2115: Yup!
her 2139: Perfect!
I must say I'm quite impressed that you ran after me.
me 2144: Great LaidBackGirl, see you there! (Not qualifying myself by acknowledging her complement)
-Saturday
me 1146: See you tonight LaidBackgirl!
her 1151: Sounds good! So 7 in the middle of union square?
me 1204: Looks like they're doing some construction in the middle so corner of Powell and geary. (Here I made a mistake. Should have just said "yes," but now I'm inviting more conversation)
her 1235: Will do! Any hint as to where you want to go for dinner?
me 1244: I've already got dinner plans actually so don't arrive too hungry
. You and I are just going to get to know each other a bit because really we only met for 5 minutes.
(Definitely didn't want a formal dinner - just hang out for a bit then back to my place. I knew when I sent this text that something was off about it, but I still don't know what or how I should have responded)
her 1253: So coffee then?
me 1307: It doesn't really matter what we do. If it's as nice out as it was yesterday we can just sit together at the square. Maybe coffee, although definitely decaf for me!
her 1327: Well what's your time limit? I'm not sure I want to go all the way downtown just to sit in union square sorry. (What is going on with this girl? Did I fuck this up?)
me 1424: OK, coffee then. Meet me at the Starbucks on Powell.
her 1501: Which one? I think there might be a few on Powell. And what time is your dinner at?
me 1715: O'Farrell I think? Ohhh, you're scared I won't have time for you! Hard to read what you're feeling over text. Dinner is earlier, dinner doesn't matter. I'll be there and my night is yours. Any other concerns, or do we have a plan
?
her 1321: Haha you read me very well lol. I was feeling kinda shitty bout the whole think lol. We have a plan.
The lesson I took away from this is that texting is very prone to miscommunication, so BE MINIMAL. Good thing I realized what she was thinking; that last text of mine was great. Framed her as the insecure one who's chasing, and me as the one who is in demand and has to make time for her. But I really am interested, and my night is hers. I'm also a sensitive guy and can read her emotions.
The real question here is how come she was so into me and investing immediately? I've only had one other girl invest so heavily over text before, but I made the mistake of investing back equally and lost my power. Both approaches were very short; girls in a hurry so I got their numbers quickly. Both were girls that didn't spend any time in downtown San Francisco, where I usually meet girls, so maybe that's the reason. Maybe they're not used to being approached. But I've approached plenty of girls in other places and only the 2 invested so heavily over text.
So we met up at Starbucks, ordered drinks and sat at Union Square. I'm getting better at calibrating my interest levels to hers: she leaned back, I leaned back. She leaned forward, I leaned forward. I'm also getting pretty good at cold reading; I even guessed her favorite color. The conversation was easy. She basically just talked and talked and I barely even had to ask questions. I enjoyed listening, though, and would throw in a tease, qualifier, or sex frame every once in a while, often with a light touch.
The vibe wasn't as "on" as I would've liked. Lacking tension.
What do I do if a girl sits down next to me, but not close enough? How do I close the distance without being obvious about it? Later on it became chilly so I told her to warm me up. She hesitated so I had to move fast. Scooted in to her and put my arm around her. She said it was a "smooth move," which is not what I'm going for. Shouldn't be a "move" at all. It should be natural and she should be waiting for it.
Since it was cold she suggested we go to Macy's across the street to the food court. I didn't want a sit down place with her so I said, "ok, we can do some shopping." We looked at the jewellery for a bit then went back out, listened to a saxophone player out front for a bit, then started walking.
She started suggesting places to go, but again I didn't want any of that. I said, "I don't want to eat or drink anything more. We can just chill at my place for a bit then call it night. Sound good?" Didn't think she'd agree since there wasn't a lot of tension, but she did!
So I had her sit on my bed (only piece of furniture I have) and got us water. Sat next to her, again not as close as I would have liked, and more talking. She finally started saying that I need to do more talking, which I did only a little.
I took an unusually long time to escalate because we weren't sitting close enough and she would always either be talking, looking away, or have her cheek leaning on her hand. Eventually I moved closer and went for it. Very easy.
her; I knew you were waiting for it.
me: Maybe I like to tease you. Oh, did you mean that I wanted it, or that I dragged it out?
her: That you wanted it. (I'd been looking at her lips to prepare her)
I shrugged my shoulders and gave her a "idk, whatever" look.
More talking, more kissing, and now we got more into it. Pulled her legs on my lap and put her hand on my body. She kept taking it off though, and I had to put it back. Eventually she finally started to do more touching. Placed her on her back, with me between her legs and my hands all over her, then,
her: I should probably go. This is a bad idea.
me: Yeah, we totally shouldn't do this.
keep going some more
her: Yeah, I should go. I'm going.
Damn it. I got off and she got up and grabbed her coat. Remaining chill, I said, "You don't have to go. We can hang out a bit more." She wanted to go, so we talked a bit more while she was standing in front of me, then she said she'd show herself out. I walked her out. Outside my door:
her: Thanks for having me.
me, taking her hand: I had a good time.
She squeezed my hand and we kissed.
her: We should do it again... soon? (started to descend the stairs
I think I escalate too fast. How do I slow down the process so girls don't freak out?