The past week or two was extremely difficult. Virtually no measurable progress in most areas.
Today, however, I did finally close a key lucrative near-sinecure that I’ve been aware of since before I started this journal. Chronic stress has seriously sapped my creativity and mental flexibility, or I would have realized how to go about it. Unfortunately I might not be able to start for another few weeks.
On top of that, I had overlooked a potential route to getting my own room. I’m going to try to close that as well.
An old friend just got back from the East Coast, where he had been since September. I want to wing (DGing obviously) with him, since he’s almost the only IRL friend whom I can discuss game with. He’s a year and a half younger, and his philosophy owes more to reddit than GC. Out of routine OPSEC he doesn’t know that I go by Surveyor, but he does know that I have some kind of online involvement with the seduction community.
Apart from familiarity and a common background, his vibe will hopefully complement mine. If and when we go hunting together, I’ll report a bit about our adventures.
Any advice would be appreciated, obviously. I’d just ask that you at least know what my basic situation is, either by being active and knowing me, or by skimming my mad-scientist notes here.
Throughout this tough time, of course I’ve continued inner growth (except for things like sleep
). I’m gonna try to cut phone usage this week, among other initiatives.
Mainly, I want to Always Be Closing with general tasks.
I also want to spend more one-on-one time with dates and friends of both genders.
Strategically, I’ve started to be honest with myself about how much damage has been done, how much growth stunted, by the past several years. It’ll all be fine in the end. But I had wrongly assumed that because of the glorious achievements of the past twelve months, I was on a trajectory towards my goals. In fact, I had been coasting the entire time.
The next few weeks will be critical.
The basic reason for my recent failure to continue forward was both psychological and physical. My will to win has diminished to often pathetic levels. I’m weary of struggling through the mud, no matter how close I am to the other side of the swamp. Under pressure, I barely care anymore.
Obviously this isn’t how a Man should think and act.
There are a few things I’ll be doing to rebound:
-Giving the initiative back to myself by taking a breather over the summer instead of taking classes. This didn’t work very well over the winter, but the circumstances were different then.
-Getting a lot more intense exercise. One of the reasons I could handle stressors better during the fall was that early-morning swim class.
-Moving out. I’ve come to realize that the limiting nature of being at home isn’t just in my psyche. My parents see me as a child. My siblings see me as no better than them. The rest of the world sees me as a man, and respects me for my particular qualities. My family, unlike my friends, don’t engage with my current self in relation to the past; they see Surveyor’s past, present, and future as essentially the same. This might not be traumatic, but it sure as hell IS toxic, and I need to cut myself free of their frame. It’ll take time to wean myself off financially, but the first step is to get my own space.
(I had an intimate tête-à-tête with my mentor this week about the situation. She helped me stay strong and envision the future once I’m free, but only in the days since then have I started to understand what I wrote above.)
I haven’t followed up yet (apart from responding to the text I sent myself on her phone).